Opinions on sleepovers , can we just stop it .

[Flowerpowersss]

Growing up in the 90s and early 2000s i had amazing fun at sleepovers as a child but looking back on them the stuff me and my friends got up too as young teens ( internet on computers, webcams) and the storys ive had from friends at other sleepovers i decided that my children wont go to another persons home at stay over especially now with smart phones and social media .

From the ages of 6-12 my children have been invited to multiple sleep over bday parties and ive said no to every one because i dont know the parents , i allowed my child to attend a sleep over party but i collected her just as they were going to bed .

Id like to add that ive allowed my child to have 2 friends stay at mine as i know im a safe person .

My child is now in secondary school and shes been invited to a sleepover party and i said she can go but cant sleep there so i will collect her before bedtime , the parents insisted it is a sleepover so my child has now been univited and her friend is asking someone else .
I did say when shes older i might reconsider sleepovers but because i dont know these people i cant allow her to spend the night .

Can we just stop birthday sleepovers !

I sent one of mine to one aged 11 years. They stayed up late, were tired all the next day. It didn't seem better than a daytime gathering.

So I have decided no for this. We join in everything else, they campout with cubs and scouts, but no home sleepovers, I have refused all since and would never host one either.

I do think you are a bit hypercritical though if you have had 2 of your child's friends over, that is a sleepover.

That's a bit of a difficult one. Whilst I can understand the idea of removing phones, it's also removing your child's ability to contact you without having to ask somebody for their phone. The somebody who has their phone might well be their abuser. If your child has their phone with them, they may be able to call for help if needed. They can't if they haven't got it.

Sleepovers for children have had their time, and deserve to be consigned to history. OP, consider yourself ahead of the curve as I predict more and more parents will stop them.

Just because you know more than 6 males unfortunately doesn’t mean they’re safe around kids, I work at a high secure psychiatric hospital with adolescent girls, most of which are there due to SA in early life so a huge part of my training was on this, so yes I can confirm the stats are a true reflection of men. This is based on online searches of this material, not of men who act on their urges, as many don’t, but why anyone would take the risk, I do not know. The issue is out of control just speak to any police officer in child protection to gain some insight. Yeh it’s rubbish for kids to miss out on anything, but far worse to have their childhood ruined by some monster, who walk amongst us I’m afraid.

The OP hosts sleepovers though. She just doesn’t want other people to.

That’s a shame for your children. I’m sure you must have known some of the parents, especially in primary school. My children love going to sleepovers and having friends over.

But OP is still hosting sleepovers! She just doesn't want other people to!

OP hosted sleepovers herself.

Not sure what is likely to happen on a sleepover that couldn't happen at another point of the day. So really, you need to ban your child going round to anyone else's house.

DD invited a friend to a party once and was told that the friend couldn't come because her mother didn't know our family. The friend was 18. I am imagining OP to be like this friend's mother.

Yes and the post would have been better coming from a “how do I not let what happened to me affect how I parent my child”.

although the parent who stopped the child from being picked up and rescinded the invite is a bit off. It’s not op’s child’s fault.

Yep, without being too brutal…that’s the most relevant piece of information available and given it wasn’t in the OP I’m inclined to not believe it.

How far should this not “making silly mistakes” go though? Sure, sleepovers are just a small part of childhood , and not the end of the world if a kid misses out on that. But what about school trips and residentials? Clubs? Sports? Playdates? Going to the park/shops /out by themselves ?Having a male tutor? Being around male relatives? Being around males full stop? How small should a child’s life be in the name of keeping them safe?

I feel exactly the same.

You are going to give your children anxiety problems.

Best thing to do to try and strike that balance is to be involved in your child’s life. Meet those parents (yes even at secondary), meet the friends, talk to them, talk to your kid about them(their interests, the things they watch and do etc) ,check the phone and then decide on a case by case basis. It’s obviously not failproof , but it helps.

They will have to navigate the world soon enough....sleepovers are a start. You educate them as to how to deal....

Let your child have a life. They will be bullied and left out otherwise. Talk to your child about what’s normal and what isn’t and maybe ensure they can keep in touch with you?

Hardly a superiority complex. As she stated, she knows that her home is a safe supervised environment. She cannot know that about anyone else.
The parents who allowed their kids to stay at Tiredof LDNs house have no idea how "safe" that is, but they chose to take the risk and allow it. As is their right.

Tiredof LDN has assessed the risk and decided not to allow it. As is her right.
Doesnt make her a hypocrite.

Why haven't you tried?

While I understand fears and anxiety for you as a parent, and don’t doubt your feelings come from a place of wanting to protect them, I feel sad for your children and know you’re creating different kinds of issues over fears that very likely would never materialize.

Your children will have anxiety, lack social interaction, build poorer friendships and lack of trust in others. Worse, they will resent you for it.

It would be so much better to work on this, find networks where you can let your children have more freedom. This is an opportunity to show your children you trust them and they can trust you.

But you carried on having sleepovers. Also massively hypocritical to say you got up to stuff as a teenager but are denying your own kids this experience which no doubt you enjoyed and didn’t do you any lasting harm?

yeah I’d be the same, what’s your point? She knows she’s a safe adult, if other parents want to trust her that’s their problem but she’s not going to trust others.

She never said she was trying to prevent all mistakes/ risks with her children did she? School trips for example, will have teachers and staff who are dbs checked, of course there are always bad eggs but risks are lower than sleepovers where you don’t know the parents and the child is in a private home shut away from other adults, there’s a lack of transparency and no second or third pairs of eyes like their would be on a school trip. Going to the shop by themselves, a risk in itself depending on age but nowadays we have location sharing, plus other people around to help/ witness if something were to happen. A sleepover is in someone’s home, behind closed doors is a whole complex situation, if a child were uncomfortable they are unlikely to be able to get up and leave in the middle of the night on their own, they may feel uncomfortable and not know how to voice it, they may get their phones taken from them from other parents, how would they contact you then?

Mayhe re read the OP! She is asking everyone to stop birthday sleepovers.... but she won't... so why should others? Surely everyone feels they are a safe person which is why they (and she!) are carrying on.

Perfectly fine if she doesn't want to allow her child to attend, but you can't stop other people having them.

We don’t know , do we? Plenty of people do. That’s why I was asking. How far would you go?

BTW , all those mitigations? Guess what? Been there , got the tshirt .

And you can have similar mitigations for sleepovers if you’re that way inclined . It doesn’t make you silly or an irresponsible parent, anymore than letting your child go on residential is.

DD always had a way to contact me and she knew I’d always go get her no matter what. In fact , that happened Saturday night when she was at a sleepover and the situation wasn’t quite right (lack of supervision, rather than abuse) , she messaged me, I agreed and went to get her.

When younger , she only slept over in houses where she felt comfortable and confident in, with the kid, with the parents, able to speak up. I checked she could have her phone. I did a couple of check ins through the evening/night. I knew the parents, their set up and their parenting style well. For birthday parties 5/6/10 girls all together in a room, there can be safety in numbers.

By her age (14) I had already been assaulted 3 times so I’m more aware of dangers than most, but I don’t let it rule my life or hers.