Opinions on sleepovers , can we just stop it .

[Flowerpowersss]

Growing up in the 90s and early 2000s i had amazing fun at sleepovers as a child but looking back on them the stuff me and my friends got up too as young teens ( internet on computers, webcams) and the storys ive had from friends at other sleepovers i decided that my children wont go to another persons home at stay over especially now with smart phones and social media .

From the ages of 6-12 my children have been invited to multiple sleep over bday parties and ive said no to every one because i dont know the parents , i allowed my child to attend a sleep over party but i collected her just as they were going to bed .

Id like to add that ive allowed my child to have 2 friends stay at mine as i know im a safe person .

My child is now in secondary school and shes been invited to a sleepover party and i said she can go but cant sleep there so i will collect her before bedtime , the parents insisted it is a sleepover so my child has now been univited and her friend is asking someone else .
I did say when shes older i might reconsider sleepovers but because i dont know these people i cant allow her to spend the night .

Can we just stop birthday sleepovers !

@Flowerpowersss Sorry, a child at secondary school age attending a "sleepover party"?

If I had done that, the people in my year at school would have ripped the piss out of me.

You agree 100% that everyone should stop sleepovers because some people don’t like their children having them?

This 100%

Yep. My DS had a couple of sleepovers in primary, but not in Secondary. Still got involved with weed and other nefarious deeds in secondary.

Once a child leaves the house with a smartphone in their hand, you have given them the keys to the universe and, OP, you are right to be concerned about the negative opportunities that this technology offers, but sleepovers could be the least of your worries.

I agree with OPs concern and yes I do also think risks of sleepovers can be huge, and my preference would be for alternative types of party.

And that’s fine, you can have whatever sort of party you want for your child! No one has said you must have sleepovers.

Do some people really think that their children's love for them is dependent on the kids getting everything they want?

My kids have never had PlayStations or xboxes, either. Or been bought a horse.

@Ginor

It's different to what you would do. It's rude and arrogant to assume that her doing some different to you is automatically worse. It's just different. Let parents decide their own boundaries.

It's not at all "rude and arrogant" to expect society to be bound by an effective degree of shared morality, and furthermore, in a secular humanist society, to expect that morality to be rationally defensible and not some random load of nonsense.

This is especially true in regard to the upbringing of children, where society rightly imposes many crucial constraints on the behaviour of parents and guardians.

There are many, many contexts where we don't "let parents decide their own boundaries". And as threads like this attest, we expect, when we make ethical decisions regarding our own kids, that we will be able to defend these decisions in the context of a common, rationally consistent morality. The amoral "leave everything up to the parents" scenario that you apparently favour is, fortunately, not something that the great majority of people really support.

OP, I get the nervousness about sleepovers. I used to work in a job with survivors of childhood sexual abuse, and the stories I heard about sleepovers have stayed with me ever since. I also agree with others that simply knowing the parents does not remove the risks. It's really tough, because reducing some risks (e.g., risk of abuse at a sleepover, by banning sleepovers) also increases others (friendship issues, possibly issues in your relationship with your kids, etc etc). Tough balance to strike - especially for you, since you were assaulted as a child (I'm so sorry about this), and so will naturally be very vigilant about these things.

Your anxiety and control is going to end very badly for your DD. Shes at secondary now, her friendships will suffer jf you don’t allow this. Surely a more constructive solution is to get to know the parents. If your DD has a smart phone, thst is far more dangerous than a sleep over

One in six? Do you have any evidence for this? I have more than six males in my family, so did my husband, so did my close friends and none of us experienced abuse.

I'm not saying it happens, of course it does but I question whether such a high percentage of males really have sexual interest in children.

You think they advertise it?

It's one of the more common paraphilias. In some societies it is the norm.

I think at secondary school age (maybe 12yrs+ or age 11 at a push) id be allowing sleepovers especially if my child had their own phone and was easily able to contact me themselves if they needed too. Better to start giving them that bit of independence now and like others have said it may cause friendship issues for them. I understand the no sleepovers up to that point though.

My 13 yo DD has a friend with a mum like you. It’s causing problems already and really upsets my DD. The rest of the group tries so hard to make sure she’s included but it’s very difficult when the mum is so obstructive.

In the nicest possible way, you say you were a naughty kid who pushed boundaries on sleepovers either phones etc but nothing happened to you and you’re now stopping your dc living their lives. I had so much fun in sleepovers, they were great for developing friendships and independence and you’re doing your dc a disservice by preventing them from experiencing this. But your dc, your choice.

So you are happy to have kids stay because ‘I know I’m safe’ but not let your kid sleepover elsewhere

The great majority of parents are safe, your kid could be abused at school! Have you stopped her going? A family member could be an abuser, have you stopped your family from seeing her? A friend you know well could be an abuser, have you stopped her having contact with your friends? All possible but highly unlikely , as would something happening on a sleepover,

Your poor daughter, shes going to miss out on something nice with her friends because of your hang ups, will no doubt be mocked at school because kids can be horrible and may lose friends

and will remember this in the future and it may well become a big bone of contention

You'd ban sleepovers for everyone?

At what age do you think it might be ok for your DC to spend a night away from home?

YABVU to expect everyone to stop sleepover parties just because you don't want your child to go to them, that is a crazy level of control.

It's such a fun part of childhood. My kids have loved sleepovers with their friends and I still remember how much I loved them as a child.
Yours must feel awful when you pick them up and everyone else gets to stay.

https://www.instagram.com/consentparenting?igsh=MXZvNXdwdjMzYjY1cQ==

posted link above as this insta account covers a lot about sleepovers and consent etc, she all goes through rules you should have if your child sleeps over somewhere.

I won’t be allowing my child at a sleep over and play dates will be limited to people I know and like/ trust but tbh I will never 100% trust anyone, even close friends and family. Most sex offenders go after children and teens known to them. I work in child mental health and know a lot about the area.

Husband prosecutes sex abuse (current and historic).

His stance on sleepovers is a categorical NO. Your child is so so vulnerable at sleepovers for so many reasons. Do your research on this. So yes, I agree, can people just stop with this. People who are blasé about this are ignorant.

There’s being careful and then there’s being over the top paranoid and you fall into the latter. You’re going to make your children nervous wrecks, not to mention being teased about their mum picking them up when all the others are getting ready to settle down. You can be a great parent without being so paranoid, what a miserable childhood for your children. I’m a worrier but always let my son go, he had a fantastic time and would have hated me picking him up like a toddler.

But a miserable childhood isn't one where you don't sleep at other people's houses. It's one where you are sexually abused because your parents were careless.

OP you won’t get people agreeing with you here, although there seems to be many savvy, wise women on here unfortunately there a lot of naive women of older generation or who have lived very sheltered lives, just look at the naivety on here about sex, porn, technology being scammed online etc, let others make silly mistakes, keep your children safe.

My kids are 9 and 12 and there are no sleep overs.

I tell them that they can have as many sleepovers as they like once they've left home!

I could see your point until I got to the part where you said you host sleepovers. One rule for thee and not for me is not great.