Opinions on sleepovers , can we just stop it .

[Flowerpowersss]

Growing up in the 90s and early 2000s i had amazing fun at sleepovers as a child but looking back on them the stuff me and my friends got up too as young teens ( internet on computers, webcams) and the storys ive had from friends at other sleepovers i decided that my children wont go to another persons home at stay over especially now with smart phones and social media .

From the ages of 6-12 my children have been invited to multiple sleep over bday parties and ive said no to every one because i dont know the parents , i allowed my child to attend a sleep over party but i collected her just as they were going to bed .

Id like to add that ive allowed my child to have 2 friends stay at mine as i know im a safe person .

My child is now in secondary school and shes been invited to a sleepover party and i said she can go but cant sleep there so i will collect her before bedtime , the parents insisted it is a sleepover so my child has now been univited and her friend is asking someone else .
I did say when shes older i might reconsider sleepovers but because i dont know these people i cant allow her to spend the night .

Can we just stop birthday sleepovers !

This dilemma has come up for me recently but my DC is year 5, and I assumed it was quite common to say no.
I have now realised I've allowed my own life experiences to make me too cautious of allowing my child their own experiences and navigating their own opinions and friendships.
That's not to say I'm just going to let them sleepover anywhere with anyone, but that I'll make a conscious effort to put the correct steps in place to get my DC ready for that step in the next few months ready for the next invite that might come along. That means open but age appropriate conversations, trusting my child to be honest and open with me, to ensure I make an effort with their friends/parents so I do know them/their family dynamics a little.

I had always planned by high school to allow sleepovers though. I've just moved my own internal goal post forward.

The stance of 'I KNOW I'm not a predator, so thats ok' is strange surely 99% of all other parents are no risk to child so you should practice what you preach, no sleepovers

You start off saying you fear they will get up to silly things on the internet. Then it turns into it’s because you don’t know the parents. These are two different things.

If it’s the first, then it’s odd that you allow sleepovers at yours because silly things on the internet can just as easily happen after lights out at yours. What you need to do is educate her about internet safety to protect her not just at sleepovers but the rest of the time too.

If it’s the second - then you’re expecting other parents to allow a sleepover to your home when they don’t know you, even though you won’t allow your child to go to theirs?

You seem a bit hypocritical OP.

Why don’t you get to know the parents? Ring them up and say “i know im being silly but I I just don’t like DC to go to houses I didn’t know, could we have a coffee together?”

Or you could just chill a bit. She could be leaving home in a few years, don’t you want her to be at all prepared?

I feel so sorry for her being whipped out of parties just as they start getting fun. She must be so embarrassed,

I did not have a single sleepover in my life. Had an amazing time at uni and have remained friends with the lovely people I met at uni 10 years after graduation.

OP, people have strong views on the sleepover issue. I was not allowed them and know the things my friends did on those sleepovers. My sons will also not be allowed them. I think they’ll be more than fine.
Your child will understand in the future.

I would not host sleepovers though. You’re either in or out.

I feel sorry for your children. They will be missing out and will live with the stigma of having 'weird' parents.
If you are worried, just make sure they know what is acceptable or not. Don't shott change them just because you behaved badly with your friends.

I voted that YABU largely because of your hypocrisy in hosting a sleepover for your DC because you know that you are a safe person.

I expect that the parents of every DC who had invited your DC to a sleepover knows that they are safe people too.

If you don't want to allow your DC to attend sleepovers, fine, your rules. But you can't expect everybody else to not host them if they and their DC are happy to either.

Just to point out that knowing the parents means nothing. One of my friends was sexually abused for years by one of her parents' best friends. She could never bring herself to tell them, or to prosecute him, and the bastard was actually invited to her wedding. I made sure to say to my children, close enough and loud enough for him to hear, to stay away from him, and if he spoke to them, to run to me. Then I turned and gave him a look of utter disgust. He went absolutely white and shocked looking, and sat quiet as a mouse all the wedding, and left early. I still think she should have gone to the police, but at least he knew that someone else knew what a monster he was.

I’m on a group for parents of uni students. Some parents are very involved and anxious. There’s often posts about yp struggling to cope in halls and dropping out. One I remember a boy was shaking with fear when someone knocked on his door. If you’ve been taught from a young age that other people are to be feared and stopped doing things all your friends have then there’s a real risk you end up struggling as a young adult imo.

Yes children will do stupid things
other families will be strange
its part of growing up - you have to let them make their own choices and mistakes and to learn from that / that includes learning who to trust

Yes. I also did lots of other things that involved risk, like hitch hiking and travelling alone for four years in Africa and South America. Bad stuff happens. I’d rather live my life and take the good with the bad than lock myself up in a safe little boring hole

Also my parents were best friends with the friends parents and so what does that say to your theory

Your neurotic parenting choices are your own business. Other people have different standards to you.

What exactly are they at risk of in the early hours of the morning that couldn’t possibly happen before midnight or whenever you’re proposing to pick up?

Honestly id have hated it and really resented my mum if she was like this. Your daughter will end up isolated with no friends.

This. You host because you are a 'safe person' and you expect the other parenfs to go along with this.. Your child can't go anywhere else because you have decided that they can't possibly be safe people. Your arrogance is spectacular

Its not true that children who don't have sleepovers have no friends. Its actually quite a common stance... religion, medical issues, the child not being ready, not just parental anxiety.

DDs best friend doesn't like sleepovers. So she's picked up at 11pm. Its no trouble.

ETA... they are 14yo.

It's always so interesting because whenever someone pops up on Mumsnet to say they hate sleepovers for safety reasons they almost always follow it up with 'I do host some however because I know they're safe at mine'.

YABU - I loved sleepovers as a kid and if your reasoning to me was 'I don't know the parents' I would be so annoyed because it doesn't sound like you've tried to get to know any of your children's friends parents to at least allow a couple of pre-approved sleepovers. You also mention unsupervised activities and as others have said, they absence of sleepovers won't get rid of those completely.

You also can't dictate nobody should allow sleepovers at all just because you have such rigid rules around them.

Yabu. Mine never done sleepovers when young, they love their own fluffy beds, secondary school is different, if you don’t let go of the control your DD will rebel, these are the years for compromising.

Happy for you that you view the world in a positive way. In my view, you’re the perfect example of why sleepovers are dangerous. Not sure how to say that without it coming across rude. Sorry

You’ll create more issues acting like this- she will go completely feral once she get a sniff of freedom 😂

op if you want to do best for your children then remember they will be adults one day - living in an adult world. Without you.

in the adults world there are many risks. The best we can do is teach our children to be sensible about risk and what to do if something happens and how to manage the bad things in life. If you avoid all risk you teach your child to avoid all risk…. They will never leave the house as adults…

they need experiences .

also I’m avoiding one risk you are exposing your child to another one - loneliness … which is very damaging..

My oldest have sleepovers at trusted friends houses.

My oldest daughter had a sleepover party for her birthday, where they come set up the sleeping tents and then do a facial and cinema experience all in the home. I knew most of the parents as they were a mix of old primary and secondary school friends. But I did inform the parents that the girls would all be sleeping in the same room together and no one else would be downstairs with them except me (and not for all of the evening either).

My others kids and husband stayed upstairs and they’re younger. We asked the girls to come ready in their PJ’s so no issue of them having to change in the house either. All the girls accepted and they had a great time.

Where would the danger have been? No one could come into the room and hurt one of them without the others waking up and knowing. There was also 8 of them so strength in numbers. They stayed up quite late watching films but nothing dodgy. As for social media they share all that in school. There was no getting dressed/undressed either in the house. I tried to preempt some of the concerns I would have had in the same situation. All the girls had their phones on them so parents could keep in touch should they have needed to. I wouldn’t agree to a sleepover in different rooms but all together yes I would.

All these ridiculous comments. I and quite a few people I know didn’t have sleepovers. No one went feral.
People have different personalities.

Shock horror my DD had sleep overs when at primary school with a boy as he was a best friend. Didn't think anything of it. No one else did. It was 20 years ago though. What has changed so much. Why do parents think things are so much more dangerous for their children than it was before.

It’s fine for you not to want to send your child to sleepovers, but completely unreasonable to suggest that all sleepovers should be stopped! Especially unreasonable as you have hosted a sleepover yourself! One rule for you and another for everyone else? The other parents hosting the sleepovers you refuse to let your child attend probably think it’s fine because they are a ‘safe person’ just as you thought it was fine when you hosted.

You get to decide what you’re comfortable allowing your child to do but you cannot expect the world to revolve around your choices and plenty of families feel perfectly comfortable with sleepovers so you can’t expect a ban anytime soon and can’t be upset that your child is uninvited when you decline the activity.