I'm the problem aren't I? Please be honest.

[feelingutterlyhopeless]

I'm a single mum of 3 (currently seperated from my second husband as I asked him to leave).
im NC with my mum as I believe she is a narcissist - due to this my father who I had a high opinion of hates me and doesn't speak to me (will walk past me and my children in public and ignore us).
I have 5 siblings - no relationship with 2 - a as and when I see them with 2 which is rare. And one younger sibling who I thought I was close to but yesterday learned how they really feel about me and how I'm always involving them in my trauma and I'm overly sensitive and they have to tiptoe around me etc which came as a huge shock.
my siblings and parents are avoidant and I guess I'm the only one who has the anxious attachment style who needs to talk things out. I was reminded yesterday that it's not my sisters fault no one in the family wants to have a relationship with me, when I ask her sometimes why my niece doesn't talk to me. Despite my efforts to fix and repair. I know that in most cases the common denominator is the problem. But in reflection other than dealing with my own traumatic childhood and marriages Im a good person. I'm empathetic, I'm a people pleaser, I don't hold grudges, I apologise to keep the peace. I'm a kind person. I think.
I have a good group of friends. Who now I worry might think I'm also trauma dumping on them if my sibling feels that?
I recently asked my husband to leave due to his drinking so I guess I just asked my sister if she was free on weekends more so have spent more time with her , some weekends at her request. But she told me yesterday she's noticed I'm using her more since my separation. I'm hurt by this because I just wanted someone familiar around at some lonely times. I've been really unlucky with my first marriage where I had to go through a lot which I dnt think i healed from yet (I am in counselling now) so I talk about it at times, maybe more than i should with my sister.
she said i forget she's younger than me and i always involve her in my drama. I'm heartbroken at the realisation she doesn't like me as much as i thought she did. My elder sister cut off from me a few years ago citing I was going through too much and she couldn't handle my trauma.
I just need to honesty know what do I do?

Hi op anyone can feel lonely even with others around them I would just concentrate on your healing and your dc who need you more than anyone. Op things will get better there are plenty of people on here married with dc who also feel lonely you are not alone you just need to find how to cope now.

I'd say don't ask mumsnet about this particular problem. You're getting bad advice here.

At the end of your life people will remember you by how you made them feel, not by how much you earned or your status or the size of the house you lived in.

Do people feel better after spending time with you? Or worse?

jesus

Why do you think you’ll get hate for admitting to talking to chatGPT? I’ve found it to be a million times better than any therapist (cos it actually gives you constructive advice rather than silently nodding and charging you a fortune for the privilege!) Also got great careers advice from it compared to a human job centre careers advisor I spoke to years ago, who said “just be yourself in the interview”. Errr no, figure out what they want to hear and say that

I don't really know what the OP's thread has descended into, I was doing some housework came back and she's been told that she's a narcissist? OP I honestly hope you step away from this thread.

Most sensible post so far.

So, I am not a counsellor (in training or otherwise) but this sounds like dissociation, not loneliness.

@IsawwhatIsaw but some people unfortunately have really crap lives. They experience one bad thing after another and life is relentless for them. They never get a moment of happiness or just to breathe. It's at no fault of their own just purely down to bad luck, so what are they meant to do about it? Never vent, complain, off load? Keep it repressed because they should inconvenience others though they never asked for these things to happen to themselves? The whole oh go get therapy is such a write off, most people on an average salary can't afford weekly or monthly appointments. Private counselling is mostly a luxury to be honest. So if people can't find any other means what are they meant to do?

What I really think is that people have very little tolerance for others pain, doesn't matter what the relationship is to them or how much they are meant to love/care for them and that is the ugly truth of us humans. What we want is for people to just repress and get on with it and this is why mental health is so isolating and lonely.

Just because pp may have suffered a hard-work, self-centred, drama-seeker at some point in their lives, it doesn't mean that the OP is just like their bad experience. A lot of these posts seem to respond to traits in the OP that remind them of someone they found difficult, and decide, reading between the lines, that OP is that person.

I don't know the OP and neither does anyone on here and that is the nature of this forum. I just wouldn't like the OP to come away from this with the unnecessary burden of representing so many people's nightmare past relationships and taking on all that negativity.

Please listen to what your sister told you!!! That's the problem, your trauma dumping on people, I.can only speak fot myself, but honestly, I hate it, and quickly spend less time with these people! Life's hard enough, sometimes you need friends that smile.

@Misosoup2
I agree some people have very difficult lives . But if they decide to constantly monologue about endless issues and grievances every time they meet up with someone, they will eventually lose friends. That is the reality. Because most people have their own issues and don’t want to become unpaid counsellors to others.

I know someone who has had many difficulties in her life. When we meet, we might talk briefly about them, then we move on. Despite everything she is positive and I enjoy seeing her.
the other friend is draining and selfish. She is also manipulative in her demands. Which is why she’s now an ex friend .

It seems you are paying a counsellor to listen to your trauma - why do you then rehash it all for your family? Not everyone likes reliving trauma.

Drama is exhausting, I used to be a line manager and one person used to hoover up all my time, I had 14 people to manage and she would monopolise 80% of my time with one drama after another, tears, pretending to be sick, vague hospital appointments. It was exhausting and it made me leave the job and move on.

I understand the environmental impact ChatGPT has. A lot of people have strong views of people using it. I don’t think I’d get hate for my reasoning for using it but that I was!
I guess I’m getting used to mumsnet bashing and was preparing myself 😂

If you are female and aged over 25 have you considered screening for neurodiversity?

Not everyone has a neurodiversity but women are severely under diagnosed - a lot of women who have struggles, particularly with interpersonal relationships, turn out to be somewhere on the spectrum. It's like they're trying to play out the 'role' they believe they are in but due to neurological differences they don't quite hit the mark and people find them intense or 'needy'.

Just throwing it out there as a few female friends have made great leaps in their lives since finding out they are neurodiverse.

Yes!! I have realised that I have a parent like this. It’s taken me years to figure it out. If I ever say anything about the behaviour, it’s always “you hate me” or “you don’t like me” or “let’s cut contact” It’s exhausting. I can’t ever be honest if the person upsets me as they never take responsibility. It’s just straight to them being the victim and I’m the one who hates them.

This is too much for Mumsnet. You likely have complex mental health problems due to childhood trauma and or addictions. I would suggest EMDR as a first step.

You need to be pragmatic about this. You now have two sisters who don’t want be around you anymore and have explained already how your behaviour is problematic.

Take action, do less navel gazing. Proactive steps I would recommend are:

1. Stop the therapy talk. It’s really off-putting and signals that you are about to launch into a pop-psychology powered self-analysis exercise. That’s not what passes for normal conversation and will have your audience rolling their internal eyeballs.
2. Recognise that a very important purpose of your interactions with friends and family is - largely - to provide interest and entertainment, and to improve the listener’s day. It is everyone’s job to bring fun and interesting conversation to their relationships.
3. With that in mind, schedule time with friends where you focus on the fun. Go to the cinema or a live show, play sport and games, go to a comedy club. Have a shared experience which leaves everyone uplifted and feeling better. It will help you too and will probably be more effective in raising your mood than endless moaning and “therapy” bullshit.
4. The more casual times you spend with your family and friends should contain more fun chat than misery chat. Before you speak to them, think about funny stories and nice things (eg what your kids have done that are silly or you are proud of) you can pass on. Widen your interests - books, films, courses - so that you have new subjects to discuss with them than just banging on about how upset you are. This is how people usually interact. They don’t have to have intense interactions and to overshare everything which is burdening them in order not to feel lonely.
5. When you do want to talk about yourself, recognise when you are getting repetitive and taking up too much time with it. Really tried to read the other’s level of tolerance and body language - you say that you are empathetic but honestly you can’t be that good at it if you are alienating those around you.
6. Overall, stop thinking that friendship is about empathy. That’s obviously important but there is a limit to what you can reasonably expect others to give. Make yourself a more interesting, less selfish, conversational partner and you will find that your family and friends will want to spend more time with you, and that you will yourself benefit from a change in pace. Endless complaining is likely to be as depressing for you as it is for those around you. You may think it is what you need, but that is a mindset you can and should change.

Your siblings have the same parents so your trauma can be partucularly hard for them as it is also possibly their trauma.

Yes, when our cup is empty, we can take too much from others. Even when we are good and empathetic people. So there could be an element of that going on too but ..

I was trying to think how to put it and, I watched this film lately called 'the goldfinch' where an art gallery is blown up and the boy characters mum is killed and the girl character is injured in a way that her brain won't let her play or listen to the music she loves anymore. And when they grow up they realise they love eachother - but she says they can't be together because 'if one of us falls (because of that day) they'll take the other one with them'.

You have friends who love you. And you sound like a very introspective person (that's a key sign of a good soul imo).

Well done on sticking up for your boundaries and removing the alcoholic ex. You sound like a well developed person. A lotus flower that has bloomed in muddy waters.

So
Be kind to yourself and just carry on your journey. Just...remeberr some people can't be all things for you. Your sister...isn't a shoulder. That doesn't mean necessarily that she can't remain in your life. But you have to adjust the relationship. It sounds like she's an acquaintance with sgared traumas. Not your bestie. And that's OK.

It sounds like you can be a bit hard work with all your problems. Could you keep off the trauma problems as much as possible. Why have you stopped talking to your mum, surely you could at least be civil with each other and unfortunately your dad has picked his wife's side, not surprisingly. You do seem to talk a bit in psycho babble, narcissist, anxious attachment style, avoidants, this would drive me nuts being diagnosed and labelled by my daughter, sister or other relative. I assume you have no qualifications in that field.

I think you are a contributing factor in these issues. You need to get a therapist and work through your trauma.

@feelingutterlyhopeless , I just want to say well done for being so honest and humble on this thread. You are open-minded, genuinely willing to learn, not going on the defensive, and taking it all on board.

It’s not fair or accurate to say you shouldn’t be a counsellor. Counsellors don’t have to have perfect mental health - and your struggles will eventually give you added insight. You are in the early stages of training, so it’s far too soon to decide whether it’s not for you. But even if you ultimately decide to give it up, it seems like the training is helping a lot with your own self awareness plus your understanding of others, so it’s still been beneficial.

In answer to your original question, yes it’s probably you. Even though your suffering is real, not many people can deal with frequent moaning, complaining and “breaking down”. It comes across as if you are self-absorbed. Your friends and family are not your therapists! Please spare them.

It’s ok for people to sometimes share their woes, if they are occasional or solvable, but the relationship has to be balanced with levity, and allowing the other person space to share their own news, interests and concerns. It sounds like you have gained a reputation for trauma dumping, and have used up your whole quota of moaning.

To regain these relationships, you need to focus on fun, levity, and most importantly, the other person. It has been mentioned on this thread before but you seem very inwardly-focused and self-absorbed, so you need to stop thinking about yourself and your feelings so much, and focus on other people and the rest of the world.

A chronic sense of loneliness is associated with emotionally unstable personality disorder, so it may be worth seeking out support groups for this. Good luck with everything, you deserve a good outcome and for your kindness and empathy to shine through.

This was my experience too. Only going NC and complete detachment from toxic family dynamics cured the devastating loneliness and dissociation. It was a long process, however - took me 15 years.

When/ if you do become a councillor I image you to be exactly like the one I saw years ago. After I had explained my issues she never stopped talking about her own 🤷‍♀️ o

OP, do your family tell you in the moment when they feel you’re trauma dumping that you’re doing it? Or, as it seems from your post that your sister’s opinion has come as a surprise, do they listen and go with it and then build up resentment which comes to you later? Because it may be that you are doing this but it’s also up to the other side to have boundaries and express them to you. So for example ‘I love you but I’m not in this headspace to talk about this today, do you mind if we head out somewhere nice and chat about light things?’ To which you can the respond in a way that is also within your space so ‘oh of course sure no problem!’ Or ‘I don’t feel like doing that today’. And I’m sure you’re just as accommodating if they want to speak to you too about stuff they’re going through? It’s a two way street. You’re not an emotional sponge - our families and friends are meant to be there for us, as we are supposed to be for them.

It doesn’t sound from what you say as though this is a two-way street. That you’re a people pleaser will have manifested from your nervous system ie something from your childhood - and that your father ignores you rather than trying to understand why you’ve cut contact with your mum, is quite telling.

It is very isolating and you’ve been through a lot - definitely a good therapist so you have a space to offload. But also, it could well be that they’re the problem in that they just don’t communicate emotions well. If that’s the case, you don’t need to people please them by absorbing all of their stuff and not getting the same in return. That’s what a good therapist will give you the tools to be able to deal with.

Look after yourself, do some nice things for you where you can and keep believing in yourself while doing the work. Best wishes