I'm the problem aren't I? Please be honest.

[feelingutterlyhopeless]

I'm a single mum of 3 (currently seperated from my second husband as I asked him to leave).
im NC with my mum as I believe she is a narcissist - due to this my father who I had a high opinion of hates me and doesn't speak to me (will walk past me and my children in public and ignore us).
I have 5 siblings - no relationship with 2 - a as and when I see them with 2 which is rare. And one younger sibling who I thought I was close to but yesterday learned how they really feel about me and how I'm always involving them in my trauma and I'm overly sensitive and they have to tiptoe around me etc which came as a huge shock.
my siblings and parents are avoidant and I guess I'm the only one who has the anxious attachment style who needs to talk things out. I was reminded yesterday that it's not my sisters fault no one in the family wants to have a relationship with me, when I ask her sometimes why my niece doesn't talk to me. Despite my efforts to fix and repair. I know that in most cases the common denominator is the problem. But in reflection other than dealing with my own traumatic childhood and marriages Im a good person. I'm empathetic, I'm a people pleaser, I don't hold grudges, I apologise to keep the peace. I'm a kind person. I think.
I have a good group of friends. Who now I worry might think I'm also trauma dumping on them if my sibling feels that?
I recently asked my husband to leave due to his drinking so I guess I just asked my sister if she was free on weekends more so have spent more time with her , some weekends at her request. But she told me yesterday she's noticed I'm using her more since my separation. I'm hurt by this because I just wanted someone familiar around at some lonely times. I've been really unlucky with my first marriage where I had to go through a lot which I dnt think i healed from yet (I am in counselling now) so I talk about it at times, maybe more than i should with my sister.
she said i forget she's younger than me and i always involve her in my drama. I'm heartbroken at the realisation she doesn't like me as much as i thought she did. My elder sister cut off from me a few years ago citing I was going through too much and she couldn't handle my trauma.
I just need to honesty know what do I do?

So, you have a good group of friends, a job, hobbies, kids, a life.

And yet: But I'm so very lonely. Always.

Why?

Based on your updates... with regret....it's you.

But if I get asked if I'm ok and I'm not I can't keep it in.

Not normal.
"How are you?" Is just a formulaic greeting
The only response is "I'm fine how are you?"
It could be any old nonsense. its just a greeting not a sincere enquiry into your mental state.

But I'm so very lonely. Always.

Again..not normal.
Most people don't feel like rhis constantly..it.speaks to a general emptiness in you that this is a permanent not transient state.

I hope you find peace and happiness. Like others not sure counselling is necessarily for you...

It's been hard to read all the responses but I do value everyone's opinions and views.

i have reached out to my sister and apologised for leaning on her and I have thanked her for letting me know, even though it was hard to hear.

I don't know how I feel about counselling right now and I do agree to an extent therapy is difficult when I need to work through my past. I didn't realise I come across so ego centred. I will take that on board.

I do feel better for the responses on this thread and have actually started reconsidering if I am a people pleaser.

genuinely speaking I wrote this thread for some harsh truths because I need redirection on how to be better and I guess I have a lot of food for thought.

I don't know? I'm surrounded by people most days but feel lonely.

I genuinely appreciate this.

I am a counsellor who also trains counsellors and I didn't come to that conclusion
Counsellors are people.
The previous poster wasn't counselling someone at the time of posting. They were giving their opinion on an anonymous forum.

What is loneliness to you? Can you describe it?

That is very common for people raised by narcissistic people @feelingutterlyhopeless it is down to having a poor sense of self.

@feelingutterlyhopeless I really think you need to separate the wisdom from the people who overreach with a lack of understanding about your situation. You do have an absolute tonne of work to do but anyone suggesting this is down to you really does not understand the damage that narcissistic parents do to their children.

Your understanding made me tear up.

I just feel like I'm outside looking in on most situations and that im not fully present.

Remember there is a difference between alone and lonely. Alone is about physically being with others and lonely is a feeling. You can feel lonely even when with people every day. You can never feel lonely but be alone your whole life.

I think counselling might help you to get to the bottom of all of this.

I think the post about your kids losing grandparents, aunts, dad, step dad is really harsh. My blood family are abusive narcissits. They werent on the scene when i became a parent. Unfortunately due to negative attachment i had children with a man who mirrored the traits of my family.... those traits were familiar to me and i didnt question them....until if wasnt safe to stay. So dont feel bad about NC with abusive people jusf because they are family. If they are abusive there is no place for them at you/your childrens table.

I read your hesitance about therapy. I was similar. I took the plunge. Its been life changing for me.

This sounds so familiar. My children do not know my family bar my sister and my brothers wife. Who they love.
my ex husband ended up having similar traits to those I went NC for. I can see why fingers can point to me. I have a part to play in all this. But my children are happy and protected from this.

When the level of abuse came out in my family my sister the absolute avoidant of avoidants but not a narcissistic bone spoke of how empty and lonely she felt growing up and throughout adulthood.

My brother an avoidant turned narcissist spoke about how lonely he felt growing up.

And me if I had to guess more anxious than avoidant felt that unbelievable loneliness in childhood and adulthood too.

I don’t feel that any longer. Once I stopped trying to cover for my family’s ills and became a very separate independent person who stepped away from the abuse and enabling and from participating in the family dynamics, that loneliness left.

There is a very high cost of course to losing the only family you know but there is an extremely high cost to that loneliness as well.

Perhaps it's best not to confide too much in others. Not everyone can cope with that. Just be friendly and enjoy the time you have with someone without talking about your problems.

If you need to vent find somebody completely neutral.

Please be careful with using co pilot or any other AI tools to replace a professional counselling service. AI does not help unpick anything. It works on an algorithm that looks to confirm your existing views and thoughts. It learns from our answers. Don’t use it as your only resource.

Gosh, threads like this are astonishing to me. You are told and taught that if you are struggling or have mental health problems, not to struggle alone. To reach out and not suffer in silence but this thread has made it clear to me what I already suspected, no one actually wants to hear it.

Even your supposed loved ones who are meant to care only have so much tolerance for it.

But if someone was to commit suic!de then it would be an influx of people saying "oh I wish they leaned on me more, I wish they talked to me more about how they are feeling ect" it's all so fake. For a world that tries to advocate about mental health awareness and has a mental health day, truth is, no one really gives a shite!

Remember it doesn't have to be all or nothing - two things can be true at the same time. There can be justifiable issues with certain family members, but you can also be bringing your own problems or making things worst with some people. Your sisters comment doesn't sound like she doesn't like you as much as you like her - it sounds like she's just stating facts - you are using her more since your separation and you are telling her a lot which to her feels like you are involving her in your issues a lot. Speaking as a counsellor, where I get paid to listen to other peoples issues, it can be draining. You can like someone and care about them, but not have the mental space to deal with everything that is happening in their lives on top of your own things. You are in counsellor, which is great, weekly sessions I hope. I would keep those things for counselling sessions, touch on them briefly with family, but try to avoid dumping your trauma on them all of the time.

There is a limit to how much support unqualified friends and family and people who have their own shit going on can actually give though. That is a tough realisation when a person is going through difficult times but it is the truth.

Ultimately you do need to buy in support to deal with significant emotional and psychological issues which clearly the OP has experienced for it to be sustainable.

"it's the ones with trauma that make the best counsellors"
Only if they have come out the other side otherwise not.

Sorry, but it would appear the epicentre of all the drama is you. It might be you don't start it, but it seems to revolve around your interactions with people

When the reaching out as you put it, is relentless, when the other person will talk non stop every time you meet them about their issues, when there is zero reciprocity or interest in the other person?
I’d say most people are sympathetic but it becomes intolerable trying to cope with this level of demand and need.
i know someone exactly like this. I’ve supported her for far too long. Enough now, I’m done.

Yes, stop believing that shite about mental health awareness. In the real world, most people have their limits.

It is really difficult to know without actually knowing you whether you are a problem here (I'm not saying the problem as I don't believe one person exclusively is ever the problem). What I will say is that I currently have an issue with a close friend who I have come to feel only really contacts me to talk to me about her problems these days. I have been there for her through thick and thin and listened to it at length, however it feels like in the good times she is not there, she is then off doing everything else but spend time with me and then after months comes to me again with long tales of her issues. Funnily enough she is also empathetic and a people pleaser (and very in touch with therapy concepts also) yet doesn't seem to have any awareness that perhaps not seeing/speaking to people for months and then turning up to offload isn't really ok or very two-way. I am actually going through a very hard time myself and really need a friend, but it feels like I only have one when she needs me these days.

Whether you are like that I can't really say, but it's worth asking yourself if you are really there for others too, I suppose? And in the good times, not just the bad? Could you potentially ask a friend about this, whether they think you have a tendency to do this?

If anyone should put up with “trauma dumping” (hate that phrase when often it just means talking through problems with someone who’s supposed to care about you) it should be your sibling. Not permanently obviously, but if you’re going through a tough time you should be able to rely on your family to support you and vice versa. Do you/have you been supportive of her when she’s had tough times? She’s being unreasonable to say you’re “using her”, it’s normal to want to spend time with family/close friends after breaking up with a partner. You may not be the problem, it’s perfectly reasonable to assume that all the specific people who’ve cut you out are just not empathetic people who are a bit selfish, especially if they come from the same family and grew up with your narcissistic mother

I think you are really brave to have cut contact with a narcissistic parent. If your siblings don’t recognise that it’s probably because of how your mother manipulates them. She will be portraying herself as the victim. So you will seem like the one that’s the problem when in actual fact you are simply the one that is standing up for yourself.

As for trauma dumping. I get how hard it can be to not share with your closest family and friends. But I also get how hard it is on the other side. I had to distance myself from my friend for a while as it was causing my own depression and anxiety to heighten.

I have found talking to ChatGPT (I know the hate I will probably get) really helpful at times. I actually got some decent advice back and tools to help. Counselling probably will help some but you need a proper trauma therapist.