Gentle parenting?

[Parentingconfusing]

I don’t even know whether this is gentle parenting. So ignore that phrase if it’s not.

But basically I am getting super confused. I have a preschooler and I would say about 75% of the parents around me have and do continue to parent like the parent in this Instagram video.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DTosvyLgma4

Now don’t get me wrong this instaguy is obviously really thoughful. He seems really kind. He’s doing his best so I am not meaning a judgement directly on him - who am I to judge anyway! But this is a perfect example of the type of parenting I see around me all the time. Which is useful as it’s difficult to describe.

And I just dont know. This is supposed to be making great well adjusted adults. But in honesty all I am seeing is parents having near heart attacks all the time in anxiety and panic whilst pretending to be super chill about it - but you can hear in their voice they really aren’t. Their children running off round corners and nearly running into roads - I did actually see one fall into a road last week after running round the corner not waiting or listening.

Constant negotiations and centering and walking on eggshells either because they are or it’s an expectation that they are on the verge of a meltdown - in a very mundane and normal situation.

So this post isn’t really about this insta video. It’s about the ethos it embodies. Which on the surface looks lovely and as a one off that’s potentially a really nice bonding resolution moment - but in reality that’s probably 10 times a day of conflict - (yes an assumption because I barely see these kids and everyone I know who does this parenting is having this atleast once on the school run or 3-4 times in a play date). And not to make it about this insta guy - but if you look on his timeline you literally have one filmed an hour later where he’s walking on eggshells trying to get this kid in a car. It’s not a one off. This is all the time!

And maybe that’s the point - I see this video or these instances occurring in RL and I see that as a conflict. Yet they are purposefully framing this as not a conflict - it’s character building, boundary bending, emotional regulation learning.

I don’t know. I am confused. 🫤

I am certainly no perfect parent. Far from it. But I am not walking on eggshells every two minutes and ‘being calm and trusting’ watching my kid run off and into roads 50m away or trying to convince them to get into a car.

Wiser people who have good well adjusted kids older than 30… What parenting should we really be aiming for?! This ‘gentle parenting’ stuff is crazy isn’t it?

Gentle parenting ≠ permissive parenting and there have been plenty of threads on this.

IMO the video doesn’t show gentle parenting as the dad is allowing the running away and shouting.

Lets get back to good old fashioned parenting where you do it "because I say so" otherwise you get a slap across the arm or legs. No negotiation, I am the boss. We can negotiate when you are earning and putting some money into the kitty.

Thank you, so this is gentle parenting. This is what I am seeing a lot and as our kids are growing older I am seeing marked difference between the 75% who gentle parent and the other 25% in terms behaviour and ability to listen to instructions and regulate.

I have no idea what permissive parenting is. I will google thankyou. I don’t know how to describe the parent that I do or the other 25%.

And sometimes I feel bad that I am not a ‘gentle parent’. When you see it it’s aww that’s nice. But then it’s over and over and over and frankly I am losing patience for it and am starting to judge it a bit. It’s very subtle. It’s hard to pinpoint what’s actually wrong with it and why I am starting to feel like this.

Oh no sorry you are saying this is permissive parenting?

This is confusing. No wonder I am confused 🫤

There can't be one definition on any parenting as for one there is not one type of child and even of there was the children have not go ro manual

Children are not robots parents can only parent the child/ren they have in front of them

Yeah of course, but at 4 the parents are somewhat responsible for creating the child they have surely? (In NT circumstances of course)

The narration is unbearably smug, but I don't mind the way he dealt with tantrum actually.

What's the alternative? That he chased her, potentially making her run into the road and then dragged her kicking and screaming? That's not ideal either.

Tantrums are normal, age appropriate development. Dealing with them is hard work whichever way you do it. I think you're kidding yourself if you think he'd solve the problem of having a stroppy four year old by shouting at her/physically dragging her away.

I don't think the problem is 'gentle parenting' really. I think it's a lack of knowledge of HOW to parent. So few parents have any experience with children before being sent home from the hospital with one, no knowledge of behaviour management or child psychology or what normal development looks like. Of course there's lots of bad parenting, most people are doing a job they're completely unqualified for.

I do think parenting with a go-pro on and posting your kids lives online like this is despicable. That's the biggest problem with that clip.

Just call a spade a friggin spade.

A four year old doesn't get to decide what to have for dinner. They need to hear the word no, have expectations and consequences, because that's what living in the world means.

I'm the parent. I'm the adult. I know better. You're the child, you haven't had chance to learn, so I'm here to guide you so you don't hurt yourself and you learn how to be a good human.

And no, you're not neuro diverse cos you can't follow the rules. You're still learning how to behave is all.

I agree. As a one off you see this and think great job, really calm and nice.

But if this is the 5th time this week you have had running off and tantrums at 4yo do you really think is what you would continue to be doing?

I have never said anywhere he should shout at her and drag her away. But he’s not even said when she’s calm at the end that she can’t run away like that because that’s not safe etc. That that is not good behaviour.

But yes if this was my child I would have shouted stop. Way before they even got anywhere near a corner and round the back of a building. And if they didn’t stop yes of course I would grab them and pick them up and take them some where safe to go down to their level and be with them while they breathed through the injustice of being picked up while running off. When they had calmed down we could talk through why they were upset, and then I would have said ok, but you cannot run off like that! And explained why you can’t run off like that.

The risk of that is yes the kid gets more stroppy. Worst you have to cancel and leave what you are doing. But I would rather have that (a worse meltdown) if it pays off in the long run, than a quick placating win.

And this was all over a zip - at 4.5!

The kids I am seeing running off aren’t even doing it as part of a tantrum. They just think it’s normal because no one says no properly.

Well done OP, you win the award for being the most perfect parent, and not smug about it at all either. These gentle parenting bashing threads have been done to death. You do you, let others parent how they want.

I am just trying to figure out what’s going on here. If you are one of these parents why are you doing it?

Maybe you know something I don’t hence why I am asking about this. It’s the majority as far as I can see so not sure how you can claim some persecution card

I agree, I know someone who says she gentle parents, she doesn't. It's somewhere between permissive parenting and letting the kid be in charge. She asks him if he wants to do schoolwork, she asks him if he wants to go to bed, she asks him if he wants to brush his teeth and she asks him what he wants to eat which would be fine but if he says chocolate or dominos or ice cream that's what he gets, night after night.

Other poster does have a point...

The YouTube guy is right that there is no need to shout at the kid and force them to zip up the coat. And in the context of that park, running off isn’t too bad.

but there are definitely other contexts that need stricter parenting.

Common assault in other words.

When my dd was in reception there was a child whose parents were very much of the gentle parenting school. Their dd didn’t like having her hair brushed so they didn’t brush it. We now have a class picture with her at the front with what can only be described as a birds nest of hair - she looks deranged - and 18 years later I often wonder what she is like now.

I think children need to know parents are in control and that parents’ decide. I think for teens it’s slightly different as they need real responsibility to prepare and learn to make decisions. I think screens for young children eg under 10 aren’t ok. I think if you give your child an iPad during ‘another activity’ eg restaurant, this is poor parenting and damaging to your child’s long term development. Some negotiation is ok but there are times you simply need to be firm and hold the boundary. Them running into roads etc is clearly one of those times!! I would do whatever was required eg hold hand and restrain them where danger and injury was a risk. I think gentle parenting is a lot of rubbish and I think will lead to people who have no resilience as adults.

There's a difference between gentle parenting and being a lazy shit useless parent.

He is conveniently in an empty park with no other people or cars. Did he provoke her to get his well timed tantrum footage? I would never take advice from someone who films their child having a tantrum for the sake of online views.

I agree OP, I've tried gentle parenting and I have kept some of the bits that worked for us but definitely remember feeling panicky and angry whilst doing the fake positive demeanor. For me it was when I was going over all the times I lost my shit with my kids and realising that most of the time the lead up involved either that fake positive demeanor or some long wordy attempt at negotiation. I think these concepts made me a much worse parent.

Gentle parenting done properly assumes a rather docile child who responds well to conversations about feelings and tends on the calm/chilled out side.

With a spirited, impulsive, stubborn child who tends to rage/anger, it isn't very effective.

I also think some of its key tenets:

• validating all emotions
• tending to the emotional state of the child before addressing the behaviour

Lead to older children/adults who can be rather selfish with unrealistic, self indulgent expectations that everyone around them must put their feelings above all else. I think this has contributed to the mental health crisis we are seeing among younger people.

The reason we don't validate all young children's emotions is to teach them perspective - many of their emotions are excessive and self centred. Its how we socialise children to what is a reasonable level of reaction to minor injustices. We should not be validating that its ok to be devastated about a cutted up pear.

In many instances of adult life we need to "power through" to get jobs done and need to be able to put our feelings aside at times a little to deal with crises, focus on solving a problem. We can't always stop and have a chat about our feelings before dealing with an issue.

Teacher here. Gentle parenting is leading to an an almost impossible situation in the classroom. How do gentle parents think that one teacher can use this method with 30 children? We see more and more children who can't accept a simple no, who argue every decision, who expect to be the exception to the rule.

I am a firm believer in ' what you permit, you encourage' Pupils feel entitled to act out, rather than being regulated. It leads to more dissatisfaction. There is a mental health crisis because of the dissonance between what a child / teen feels life should be (ie centred around them) and the reality of life and especially school life.

I have 2 very lovely respectful teens who are resilient and polite. I didn't use the method in the video. I used distraction, some consequences, eg if they didn't do something, I would count to 3 and if they still didn't, I woul do it. Eg sit them in car seat, at the table, turn off TV. It was Very effective. Holding hands was non negotiable, as was wearing reigns in a busy place. They are both brave, confident, adventurous older teens.

Having said all that, I do understand that the complete and utter break down of school life is a very complex issue which also centres around, children being allowed too much screen time/ phones/ social media. Parents being too stressed, overworked to parent properly, parents own addiction to phones, and the lack of SEND places in specialist schools.

My school is almost unrecognisable to what it was when I started teaching and children are NOT as happy as they were.

Gentle parenting only works on certain kids. My LO needs to be corrected in the moment, these long and wordy conversations do nothing to teach him not to do something again. He gets one warning and then if he does it again he’s removed from the fun or whatever he is doing, probably has a tantrum and when he’s calmed down he can go back.

That's the other thing that made me cynical. I might be willing and able to validate all their emotions and co-regulate them (after doing my own inner child work so I can surpress my own emotions perfectly) but it was obvious to me that other adults like teachers or their peers weren't going to do that.

I feel like teaching them how to manage disappointment and conflict in a way that transitions to real life made more sense.