Gentle parenting?

[Parentingconfusing]

I don’t even know whether this is gentle parenting. So ignore that phrase if it’s not.

But basically I am getting super confused. I have a preschooler and I would say about 75% of the parents around me have and do continue to parent like the parent in this Instagram video.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DTosvyLgma4

Now don’t get me wrong this instaguy is obviously really thoughful. He seems really kind. He’s doing his best so I am not meaning a judgement directly on him - who am I to judge anyway! But this is a perfect example of the type of parenting I see around me all the time. Which is useful as it’s difficult to describe.

And I just dont know. This is supposed to be making great well adjusted adults. But in honesty all I am seeing is parents having near heart attacks all the time in anxiety and panic whilst pretending to be super chill about it - but you can hear in their voice they really aren’t. Their children running off round corners and nearly running into roads - I did actually see one fall into a road last week after running round the corner not waiting or listening.

Constant negotiations and centering and walking on eggshells either because they are or it’s an expectation that they are on the verge of a meltdown - in a very mundane and normal situation.

So this post isn’t really about this insta video. It’s about the ethos it embodies. Which on the surface looks lovely and as a one off that’s potentially a really nice bonding resolution moment - but in reality that’s probably 10 times a day of conflict - (yes an assumption because I barely see these kids and everyone I know who does this parenting is having this atleast once on the school run or 3-4 times in a play date). And not to make it about this insta guy - but if you look on his timeline you literally have one filmed an hour later where he’s walking on eggshells trying to get this kid in a car. It’s not a one off. This is all the time!

And maybe that’s the point - I see this video or these instances occurring in RL and I see that as a conflict. Yet they are purposefully framing this as not a conflict - it’s character building, boundary bending, emotional regulation learning.

I don’t know. I am confused. 🫤

I am certainly no perfect parent. Far from it. But I am not walking on eggshells every two minutes and ‘being calm and trusting’ watching my kid run off and into roads 50m away or trying to convince them to get into a car.

Wiser people who have good well adjusted kids older than 30… What parenting should we really be aiming for?! This ‘gentle parenting’ stuff is crazy isn’t it?

We'll go round in the usual circles of 'this is permissive' and 'natural consequences'.

But more fundamentally I'm not sure if the level or choice, power or discussion about feelings is actually good for small children..

I take my hat off to those with genuine patience for this stuff because I don't have it.

As an example, I watched a woman debate for 25 minutes with a small child about him making the right choice and he just looked bewildered. When he continued to misbehave she took him home as the 'natural consequences'.

My own child misbehaved (nothing major but disregarded an explicit instruction). He got a very firm telling off. We moved on, all enjoyed our day.

The gentle approach just seems to go on forever.

I agree with the time thing. When I just had one at school and had to take the other on the school run they sometimes didn't want to go. All I could do was manhandle them into their shoes and drag them there some days. There simply wasn't the time for me to have a long discussion about their feelings on the matter because the school run had to be done at a set time.

People parent the child they have. There isn't a one size fits all. Parents often have their own limitations with managing their own emotions and patience, the parents abilities are probably much more influential than whatever 'parenting style' they fit in to.
I think people would have said my parenting of my eldest was 'gentle parenting', no shouting or screaming, always trying to understand where the behaviour came from. He is 17 now and the teen years have been a breeze, he is such a kind, patient and respectful young man. He has some lovely friends and is doing well at sixth form. In comparison, I was raised by authoritarian parents and hugely rebelled in my teens, screaming at my parents, truanting from school, walking out of the house when grounded, coming home late. I realised they couldn't actually control what I did, my compliance to that point had been based on fear rather than respect for them.

@JLou08 Your DS might have been like that anyway because he’s easy going. Continually talking to them about their feelings is the bit I’m against. Your DS wasn’t shouted at. I took no time to think about my DDs behaviour. I didn’t shout much - only in extreme circumstances. But my DDs weren’t totally compliant and easy going. They needed clear and precise instructions with reasons. Not long discussions - they get to the same place though! Not that mine are very patient but that’s ok, they don’t need to be.

I think this is why stalwarts of gentle parenting often only have one child!

I am now researching Sarah because she is the gentle parent person apparently and it’s interesting because she says gentle parenting is authoritative parenting.

So gentle parenting IS authorititive parenting.
But most people who ‘gentle parent’ are permissive parenting.

So where has all this permissive parenting come from?! Who started the can’t say no thing?

Well, my kids are in their 40’s, both turned out great. I gave them boundaries, and gentle parenting hadn’t been invented then.

But, judging by the increasing amount of feral kids, I don’t think it’s working too well. 🙄

Do bear in mind that SOS has no qualifications or particular expertise in child development or care.

I am not stating she is inherently wrong, more that her view is just that, it’s her view, to be taken or left.

Playing devils advocate a bit here but the original feral kids were the post war children, were they not, the ones we had borstal and reform schools for.

I remember an absolute cry of outrage about feral youths following James Bulger’s murder in 1993. Then again following the murder of the head teacher Philip Lawrence in 1995.

By the time Blair came to power it was ASBOs and there was a real movement towards criminalising and indeed demonising young people.

So what can we do, blame gentle parenting? I don’t have much time for it myself but it certainly isn’t the cause of the feral youth. That’s always caused by poverty.

No, there is so much misunderstanding about what gentle parenting is.
It is not letting the child do whatever it wants., it isn't permissive or lazy parenting.
It is understanding and acknowledging the child's feelings. It focuses on child development and understanding rather than punitive punishments and shouting and authoritatively control. But it doesn't mean you let your child run into the road, hurt other people, destroy property, be rude etc.

Gentle parenting is non parenting. This is not a democracy, I am not negotiating with a 6 year old terrorist and I will not be dictated to by someone who isn't even old enough to buy deodorant.

Bad behaviour and disrespect results in harsh consequences. Punishment is not a dirty word. If they have a reasonable argument for something, I'll listen and I'll consider it, but I won't have them ruling the roost and I won't be spoken to rudely.

The minute they start shouting, stropping or name calling, they've lost the argument and earned themselves a day stuck in their room with nothing to do but homework and no phone for a week, starting from when they apologise.

Sick of seeing children behave appallingly, disrespecting their parents and the parents literally doing fuck all about it while simpering about how 'lively' they are or pondering whether they're ND because they still throw tantrums at 10 years old.

No, Sharon, they're a little brat because they've never seen discipline in their lives and they're going to end up having a mental breakdown once they leave home and find other people won't put up with their shit. It does them no favours and if they speak to a stranger the way they just spoke to you, there's a fair chance they're going to get punched.

Sorry, will respond to OP first and then look back through comments otherwise I will write a novel.

There's no universal definition for gentle parenting hence it falls prey to a "No true Scotsman" argument any time you call it that.

SOS did not invent Gentle Parenting, she just used the term to publish a series of books. She didn't invent the term, it was in general use on MN and other online forums generally at the time.

I would say that the original ethos of gentle parenting that I followed in ~2010 is completely normal, unremarkable modern/informed parenting today. So I no longer feel the name is in any way useful. It just causes circular arguments about whether or not people are "doing it wrong". I mean seriously who in 2026 is advocating for punishing children for having a tantrum?? Aside from that creepy American pastor who thinks you should literally hit babies. He doesn't count.

I appreciate the video for reference because at least that's something concrete

In the scenario in the video I don't see an issue with what the dad is doing. However it's counterproductive to have the same kind of approach esp if it involves treading on eggshells around getting into a car in a car park, or around a road where DC might impulsively run into the road. And even in the scenario he presents, it might not work or help. The whole framing of it as "This is how to diffuse a tantrum in 3 minutes" is silly because not all tantrums can be magically diffused and there is not some magic perfect one size fits all solution where you're failing if you don't get the same results.

I think modern social media preys very much on anxiety and plays up to fears and in particular there is a fear around causing children "trauma" and the idea that there is a way of parenting which is going to magically protect their mental health and make sure they never experience difficulty here and that is first of all not realistic, but secondly I don't think that is a parent's job. And even if it was it is not achieved by treading on eggshells around them and protecting them from any possibly upsetting experience. We actually develop resilience and emotional skills by experiencing difficult emotions and then moving through them and having the experience of being fine again. Children basically need a mixture of having those experiences where they do the process on their own, and some experiences where they have someone to co-regulate with which might be a parent, friend, pet or whatever. That's what I seem to have understood from my reading about it, anyway.

I think it is a parent's responsibility not to cause major trauma by means of abuse/neglect/abandonment (including emotional abuse and exposure to danger/chaotic situations as far as you can control this) but aside from this, I don't believe it is possible to parent in a way that will cause your child to never sit in a therapist's chair and say "When I was 7, my mother..." This is a literal motivation for some people which I have read online, and I think it's bonkers. You're going to do and say things that your child experiences as hurtful, unfair, or upsetting. That's life because nobody is perfect and because just as often if you're in therapy talking about an experience you have had, it's not even always about whether the other person did something right or wrong, it's about how you experienced and interpreted it based on what else was going on for you at the time.

I think it's a generational thing as well. It is very much millennial and Gen Z parents who operate like this, in my observation. I've had DC born in 2008, 2018, 2021 so I've seen a range. I was out of step in 2008 whereas it's the norm now to the point lots of people take it to an extreme, and people are very scared of doing the wrong thing, of accidentally parenting in a "non gentle way". Gen X are typically much more sensible and measured about the whole thing. My armchair psychologist side thinks this is probably a pattern because millennial/Gen Z parents were the first generation really to experience all the participation trophies and the push towards positive parenting/not so much authoritarian parenting in our own childhoods, and by the time we came towards adulthood, mental health was/is this huge topic that everyone was suddenly talking about, which had been taboo for years. I kept having counselling thrown at me through secondary school (2000s), which I just can't imagine was happening 10 years earlier but for my age cohort it was really pushed as this big thing and self-esteem was the buzzword. At the same time though, our parents' generation were raised to see therapy and mental illness as this big shameful taboo, that it was something wrong and scary and mentally ill people might be dangerous. I think in some ways we are trying very hard to overcorrect from this confusing mixed message we received growing up.

I’m Gen X @BertieBotts , although only just if we go by the Wiki definition! So I’d agree with that.

But you are correct, I feel: there is a real ‘no true Scotsman’ thing with gentle parenting, and also that there’s a lot of overthinking. I think my main issue with GP is the lack of both bribery and consequences - coercion is my go to rather than heavy on the consequences but sometimes you DO nerd s deterrent, even if it’s nothing to do with the crime!

Year 3 child in my class. Parents both use ‘gentle parenting’ techniques and always have. Parents have told us so. They have informed us that they have never told him no. We are experiencing very challenging behaviour from said child and have been since he started school. Sadly his behaviour is becoming more challenging by the year. Parents have now admitted they are really struggling at home with his ‘extremely challenging behaviour.’ I fear for this child and I’m not sure what will become of him as he gets older.

You’re not talking about gentle parenting here. You’re talking about permissive parenting. Please google the difference because you’re coming off as very uninformed.

This is not gentle parenting. Please look it up.

This video IMO is permissive parenting but the problem (again IMO) is that lots of people think this is gentle parenting so this is what gentle parenting is understood as.

Research and evidence suggests that the parenting style that produces the best outcome for emotionally healthy children long term is Authoritative parenting (high expectations but also high empathy). People often confuse Authoritative parenting with Authoritarian parenting (high expectations but low empathy). IME this is how a lot of permissive parents were parented themselves. (I run parenting courses in my job).

Children need to know they are loved and have their feelings validated but at the same time they need adults to be the ones in charge. I think as a society it’s becoming more and more common to never say no to children because parents think this way they are validating their children’s emotions. I think honestly we’re not doing these kids any favours in the long run.

@FourNaanJeremy They also want to be their DCs best friend. They seem scared of having their child upset or temporarily disliking what’s required. I agree with your views on authoritative parenting. It was just parenting when my dc were young.

I'm fully expecting to be shot down in flames here, but here goes...

For context we brought up 3 children in the 1980's without the distraction of mobile phones, internet etc.

My feeling is that children need to know that the adults in their lives are in charge & that they are a safe knowing that whatever happens the adults have their backs.

DH & me never smacked our children, but we made sure that they knew where the boundaries were. We focussed on rewarding good behaviour & picking our battles deciding on what was really important. If one of the DCs stepped out of line, they were firmly brought back in. We used 'time-out', loss of being allowed to watch TV or playing <what was then> video games, not being allowed to go to hobbies/activities, playing outside or, in extremis they were 'grounded' which meant all of the above & they were confined to their bedroom with a book to read. They didn't have TVs in their bedrooms until they became mid to late teens, started working & paid for TVs themselves.

We also had a policy that we would back each other up even if we disagreed with the punishment/consequence, for eg: DH would say 'mum has told you no TV because...' If he thought I was being too harsh we would have a discussion (sometimes heated) after DCs had gone to bed. But, in front of the DCs we had a united front.

Our children have grown to have good careers & are excellent parents with well-balanced, well-mannered & generally lovely children. All of them still with their original partner which is unusual these days.

I agree and I see this often when working with families. I have lost count of how many parents have told me they are best friends with their children. It’s lovely in a way that the relationship is so strong, but in the meantime often they have a child /children who have anxiety, anger issues, refuse to do as they are told, decide if/when they go to school, dictate all mealtimes etc etc. There are often no boundaries at all. This is stressful for children because they’re not emotionally or developmentally ready to be in charge of all of these things. It’s scary when there are no rules at all and the adult who is supposed to look after you is letting you call the shots.

The children don’t need them to be their best friend. They need their parent to be the adult and let them be children.

I wonder if all the discourse on going NC feeds into this. Whilst people obviously have valid reasons for doing so and I'd never judge anyone individually I think there is a real fear for a lot of people currently raising children. Like that it's easy to mess up and cause unforgivable emotional harm to children and I think that's what's behind some of the permissive type gentle parenting. It's not always laziness but fear that if they get it wrong their kids will grow up and hate them.

Ilovepastafortea I also agree that the overwhelming access and use of phones, iPads and other screen devices are making behavioural problems and parenting struggles 1000x worse .

I agree. And also letting the child run towards a car park/road while the parent stands around the corner unable to see what she is doing. I would call this irresponsible parenting and he is risking an accident.
No use in allowing her to regulate her feelings - too late after she has been hit by a car.

@FourNaanJeremy Absolutely. I also think too many people over think how to parent. No one said they were best mates with dc 40 years ago or even 30 years ago. You never heard it. I think we should not give dc too many options. I just got meals ready. My dsis asked her dc to choose from a menu! Decisions always made by dc who said pizza every day. They don’t know best and they need guidance. They didn’t get pizza every day but then had arguments/discussion about why not!

My DS1 & DD have vetoed phones for their children. Unfortunately DGC for both of them have recently gone up to high school & have to have phones because of homework etc. However both parents severely limit access to them. DS2 & wife have allowed their children to have phones from the age of 8, but that's their parenting choice.

I also notice an increasing tendency for young people to talk about how not being allowed things or to do things is potentially injuring their mental health. I remember DGD when, aged 9, asked me to talk to her mum about the necessity for her to have a phone because of her mental health. I asked in what way would not having a phone injure her mental health? She couldn't answer me. I told her that when her mother was her age there were no mobiles &, if there was an issues, the school would call me & that I knew that the same would happen if she had a problem at school. I also told her that both her parents were in close contact with the school & if she had any kind of problem she could talk to her parents or her DGF or me who would talk to her parents. The little minx was trying it on.