Gentle parenting?

[Parentingconfusing]

I don’t even know whether this is gentle parenting. So ignore that phrase if it’s not.

But basically I am getting super confused. I have a preschooler and I would say about 75% of the parents around me have and do continue to parent like the parent in this Instagram video.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DTosvyLgma4

Now don’t get me wrong this instaguy is obviously really thoughful. He seems really kind. He’s doing his best so I am not meaning a judgement directly on him - who am I to judge anyway! But this is a perfect example of the type of parenting I see around me all the time. Which is useful as it’s difficult to describe.

And I just dont know. This is supposed to be making great well adjusted adults. But in honesty all I am seeing is parents having near heart attacks all the time in anxiety and panic whilst pretending to be super chill about it - but you can hear in their voice they really aren’t. Their children running off round corners and nearly running into roads - I did actually see one fall into a road last week after running round the corner not waiting or listening.

Constant negotiations and centering and walking on eggshells either because they are or it’s an expectation that they are on the verge of a meltdown - in a very mundane and normal situation.

So this post isn’t really about this insta video. It’s about the ethos it embodies. Which on the surface looks lovely and as a one off that’s potentially a really nice bonding resolution moment - but in reality that’s probably 10 times a day of conflict - (yes an assumption because I barely see these kids and everyone I know who does this parenting is having this atleast once on the school run or 3-4 times in a play date). And not to make it about this insta guy - but if you look on his timeline you literally have one filmed an hour later where he’s walking on eggshells trying to get this kid in a car. It’s not a one off. This is all the time!

And maybe that’s the point - I see this video or these instances occurring in RL and I see that as a conflict. Yet they are purposefully framing this as not a conflict - it’s character building, boundary bending, emotional regulation learning.

I don’t know. I am confused. 🫤

I am certainly no perfect parent. Far from it. But I am not walking on eggshells every two minutes and ‘being calm and trusting’ watching my kid run off and into roads 50m away or trying to convince them to get into a car.

Wiser people who have good well adjusted kids older than 30… What parenting should we really be aiming for?! This ‘gentle parenting’ stuff is crazy isn’t it?

Yep

I just watched that video and thought it was a parody account.

That cannot be real.

I think parents need a greater understanding of child development really. Some behaviour is developmental and the child will grow out of it as their brain develops. No amount of punishment or cosy chats can force it. That doesn't mean let them do what they want, far from it, but understanding what needs correcting and what you just have to ride out would really help parents I think.

And when that child doesn't want to do something at school... what happens?

That child in the video is learning that her feelings and impulses are more important than anything else and that is simply not true.

How did the dad catch up with the child? One minute she’s running away and then he’s speaking to her by being next to her? What’s in between?

I also think that’s supposed to be a tantrum but it’s not really. It’s a child not doing what she’s asked and would you want that behaviour by a busy road? You absolutely would not.

Gentle parenting allows far too much negotiation. The child negotiating often does not fully understand the situation or have the words to express their feelings. It’s therefore down to the adult to decide. Giving too many options is really slow and when there’s time pressure, it’s not possible. So we have to have some control. Discussion has its place.

It's definitely not perfect. There is no one perfect solution for all children in all circumstances. It's not bad though, it's a good try.

It's definitely the case that brain development will naturally lead to better regulation. You very rarely see NT adults having a tantrum regardless of how they were parented. There is an awful lot of stuff that we worry about with a child's development that will sort itself out as they mature and tantrums are one of these things.

That said, they do of course need to be parented as well! What he taught her in that clip is that she could have just said 'I don't want the zip done up' at the beginning and that the tantrum was unnecessary. Children learn through experience better than through explanation. He didn't need to come down to her level and explain at length what she could have done differently. She'll figure it out based on this experience. Her need was met when she told him calmly what the problem was - that's a lesson learnt.

Wow thankyou! Great point!

Do you know the answer 😅

I'm very much in the FAFO camp for issues of zips, coats and gloves on or off etc.

I've realised aged 44 that I never learned to regulate. Just repress to make other people's lives easier. So I'm trying to do better with my DC.

Can everyone please google gentle parenting and then permissive parenting. They are two very different things. I don’t understand how this isn’t understood.

Parents following gentle parenting do not let their kids do whatever they like. There are strict rules and boundaries, but there is also no shouting or undermining of feelings and emotions.

E.g. If a child wants sweets before dinner, a gentle parent would say no. But may also say ‘i understand that it’s disappointing to not get what you want, but you can’t have sweets before dinner as you won’t be hungry for your meal that has all of the vitamins in that you need to grow.’ If the child has a meltdown then that’s fine. You just reiterate the reason why they can’t have the sweets, and redirect them onto something else that will distract them.

It’s quite simple.

I find the talk of regulating slightly annoying, but hey, it's today's language and if it stops him yelling/ losing his temper etc then I suppose it's useful.

What I did think was that there was entirely too much trying to talk to her early on in the video. She clearly wasn't in a place to listen. And there didn't seem to be any effort afterwards to follow up her obligation to do some regulation of herself i.e. by not running away, but by communicating her needs. Sure, she won't be perfect at this age, but that's why you're trying to develop the behaviour.

Nor was there talk about how you don't run away and hide because it's Dad's job to know where you are and keep you safe.

So it felt mostly like a lot of pandering to entirely normal childhood bad behaviour. If you don't address that she'll be acting the same way at ten .

On a Thread a few days ago. A child was running away from it's mother in a car park. It took her several minutes to get the child into her car. I thought:
If I had behaved like that when I was 7 I would have had a slap across the back of my legs.
If it were my child at seven I would have grabbed her by the shoulder and stuffed her into the car.
I would not try to debate or negotiate with a seven year old. Fuck that! There are not enough hours in the day.
Nor did I meet them out of school with chocolate snacks or ice cream. FFS.

The part of gentle parenting that I did like was the trying to understand your child's age and development and having realistic expectations for their moods and behaviour. I'm happy to keep that bit whilst discarding stuff like the long wanky speeches about emotions.

Can someone explain what they see as the difference between gentle, authoritative and permissive parenting. Preferably someone who considers themselves a gentle parent?

Because I keep seeing descriptions of gentle parenting that just sound like authoritative, sensible parenting to me from the 'that's permissive' crowd.

I would see gentle as over focusing on your child's feelings. I have watched some videos that go way past the chap in the OP's post's deep breath. It looks emotionally exhausting for the parent and I can't help but worry the child will grow up thinking they are the centre of the universe. Whereas in real life it's a mix of 'here's your fun time at Peppa Pig world' and 'No, you do need to wait quietly for a few minutes while mummy talks to her friend'. etc

I will be honest I only browsed a few videos so it might be. But I don’t think it is. This is what I see all the time.

And my kid sees it too. He’s probably thinking why do I have to walk with my parent but this child is allowed to run off. And if he then tries it and I shout stop! Then it’s just a nightmare for obvious reasons.

I agree that this looks more like permissive parenting, but that's also a lot of parents interpretation of gentle parenting.

I don't do either, I just do my best 😅

I would be curious to see what led to the situation where the child run off in the first place as well. If the issue was simply about zipping the jacket, then she seems quite old to be running away in a tantrum instead of simply verbalising that she wants to keep her jacket open.

Given the tone of the video, I'm wondering if he isn't constantly patronising his child trying to over explain why and how she needs to do things.

Wow thankyou! These are my thoughts coherently communicated!

It's so true, most of us heard a firm "pack it in" at least once or twice a day! Obviously not condoning when this was accompanied by shouting and smacking.

There's many ways to deliver the same message. I think a firm but kindly said "that's enough now" is needed sometimes. God knows I've seen some parents who just gawp helplessly, or worse, not even being aware whilst they're glued to their phones as their kids are running riot or not being able to regulate themselves then crying that they are ND. Oops unpopular opinion alert.

This looks like permissive parenting.

It doesn’t feel like he’s very in control

What’s wrong with scooping her up ‘gosh that was really frustrating for you. Feeling frustrated is hard. We don’t shout or run off. Running off is dangerous. My job is to keep you safe’

Stops discussion at that point and straight back to car etc.

No need for shouting but you can’t just let them shout and scream and have long negotiations that’s crazy!

Gentle parenting is the hardest parenting method. It's easy to shout and rage and snack them into compliance; it's easy to take away devices etc so they're externally motivated to behave, and it's easy to be permissive so they just rule the roost and you don't feel like a "mean" parent.

Setting boundaries and holding them firmly while acknowledging and validating feelings, setting good habits from the start and laying the groundwork for them to become emotionally literate and to understand why their choices and behaviour matters (not just "because mummy said so" or "because daddy will shout at me if I don't") is really hard work, and many people get it wrong and end up permissive.

We have gentle parented DD throughout her childhood (now 11) and I mess up sometimes. Sometimes I reflect on a situation and realise I was too harsh, sometimes I reflect and realise I should have set a firmer boundary, but gentle parenting is the framework I aim to follow (Sarah Ockwell Smith's work etc).

In the situation in the video, I wouldn't have let DD out of my sight (too close to a car park, too much open space to risk running off completely), but I would have stayed close (and held her if she was still trying to run), and we'd have done that deep breath stage together and asked her to tell me how she was feeling. Then I'd have handled it like him; listening to her and evaluating whether it's a battle that needs to be had (if she's happy with her zip open and she's otherwise well wrapped up, why fight it? There's a difference between an open coat on an otherwise warm child and allowing a child out in a t shirt in winter; one of those needs a firm boundary and the other does not).

It's worked for us. DD is very good at describing her emotions and regulating them; she communicates clearly and listens to us the first time. She knows there are situations where you obey first and ask "why?" later, and she knows that we'll always explain the reason behind a choice or instruction - we don't do "because I said so", because that's lazy. That doesn't happen overnight and isn't just luck of the draw; it's a result of the hard work we've put in over the years to learn and understand and implement gentle parenting.

His other videos are interesting actually. He thinks setting a boundary is telling repeatedly to his daughter (4.5) that "we need to go now", "I told you when mummy arrives we had to go", "ok two more minutes and we have to go".
It takes bloody ages, at no point did he acknowledge that it's more fun for his kids to watch the diggers than to go in the car, and at no point did he explain to his daughter why/where they had to go/why it's important.

Just, "we have to go now". He's full of 💩...

I don’t think you sound smug and think it is an interesting topic for discussion.

I kinda think we are in a cultural time, where we mostly experienced authoritarian parenting and lack of respect for our emotions or inner world as children (broadly - of course our parents generally cared but kids emotional development was not a priority). And this caused various problems and so many parents swing the other way, do a lot of reading and learning about children’s emotions and child development in this regard, and it so easily lends itself to a permissive approach and the child being in charge. Which ultimately makes children feel unsafe and they use increasingly loud tactics to try and control, or experience anxiety.

I think the pendulum has swung one way that’s too harsh and now another that is too soft. What most of us want and I think should aim for is a kind and wise emotionally focused approach, but with a healthy dose of I am the adult and I will lay down the boundaries that you will adhere to. With the recognition that this IS emotionally healthy for kids.

A 3 year old won’t understand words and feelings like “frustrated” and “disappointed”. These are terms adults use when they talk about dc to other adults. Few dc really engage with this immediately after a tantrum. I agree with the poster who didn’t agree with the long wanky chat. It’s utterly pointless on many occasions. For some dc, it would be 50 times a day! Dc are also allowed to have all these feelings but adults don’t have to talk about them! Be clear, concise and loving. Most dc are fine with this.

Gentle parenting has nothing at all to do with a lack of boundaries or being an ineffective parent.

Parenting with a focus on understanding a child's neurological development doesn't mean letting them do anything. It doesn't mean being afraid to actively parent. It does mean paying close attention to supporting emotional regulation, understanding that young dc can't always control impulsivity so need the adult to manage certain situations for them, and focusing on the child understanding rather than just obeying.

Frankly, I'm the strict parent who insists on kindness, contributing to the family via chores and doing homework. I just don't use traditional punishments to achieve this.

I can't comment on other children and their personalities but my child if I left her behind a building and faced the other direction, I'd turn around again and she'd be gone- most likely running off into a road with cars. This technique wouldn't work at all.

My technique is distract, provide a time frame (counting to 3) and then if all else fails, pick her up and put her in a safe place to calm down. If that means leaving due to misbehaving then so be it.

Only quite easy going, generally compliant children benefit from gentle parenting. I have a confident, independent child who needs rules and consequences so I parent her according to her personality.

Letting her be out of sight was unsafe. You can a give a child space to calm down and still have them in sight and be aware of everything they are doing.( Parent of child now adult with severe autism).