Am I being controlling?

[Limmies]

I’m 31. Recently married my slightly older partner (47).

I absolutely despise the way he dresses. He wears scrubs for work so that’s fine. But he sees himself as a bit of a rocker. Was in a band back in the day. So wears a lot of band tees, leather jackets (ugly ones), boots, plaid t shirts etc.

I just hate it. It honestly looks a bit silly and man childesque. I make an effort with my appearance.

I have bought dh so many clothes and do give him suggestions on nights out. His older his sister came to stay and really put me in my place. Telling me to “leave him alone”. I don’t mind the tees at home but when he’s out I think I’d like him to take a bit of inspiration from the likes of David Beckham which is what I prefer the look of. Some nice knitwear and some smart-casual trousers.

When I say he looks like a man child I’m not joking. I’m genuinely trying to help.

Or am I being a controlling wife?

You sound like a horrible person. Yes you're being controlling. You met and married him knowing he dressed like this.

Yeah, I think suggesting something already in their arsenal or buying a new grey sweater because theirs has a hole is different.

Like my dh has
sweats and free t-shirts
jeans and free t-shirts
jeans and paid for t-shirt or polo
jeans with nice sweater
suit

So I sometimes ask him to go up a category and I also ask him what kind of thing I should wear to an event.

Literally every comment before yours tells the OP she is controlling or at best unreasonable, so it looks like MN isn’t what you think it is?!

Are you lost?

“Am I being controlling “ ….. YES

As this is his identity, and you despise it, I don’t understand why you got together with him. 🤔

You're 100% being controlling. Reverse the roles: if he did this to you, you'd absolutely hate it. It's his style, learn to live with it. Embrace all of who he is. You're doing the classic 'I'll change him' routine. It usually backfires, as it will build resentment.

"Slightly older" would be dating a 35 year old. This man is almost old enough to be your father.

They can and it's fine. I'm male and a similar age to your partner. My jacket of choice is a leather biker jacket, but I'm happy to flex my style according to the occasion. My more fashion conscious younger partner buys me clothes - some I wear, some not. When I buy clothes or when we go out, I always ask their opinion on what I'm wearing. All these things are fine.

However, it does sound like like you're pushing this further than might be reasonable. I'll take my partners opinion into consideration occasionally when we visit friends or go out for a meal, but not every time we leave the house. if this was the case, I'd stop listening.

Is he faithful?
is he good and kind to you?
Does he help around the house?
Is he attentive?

There’s about a hundred of those questions I could ask you.
When you’re my age (hitting 70 soon 😱) you’ll realize that how your husband dressed was the small stuff.

Don’t sweat the small stuff ❤️

My mum would say the same. They had the same age gap coincidentally. She frequently (few times a week) would make comments about my dad's clothes, buy him things he didn't like but that she approved of. She'd also tell him he was fat, that he was disgusting, that he looks "so old". All in front of me and my sibling. I watched him defend himself as she doubled down, and he'd walk away looking so small. He was a shell of himself by the time he finally let the relationship, and 20yrs later he's still struggling with the impact. She was a complete bully, and none of us were ever good enough for her. She treated me the same way, calling me fat, ugly, fretting over my acne and hair, and always phrased as "I'm not putting you down, I'm just trying to help." Shocker, it didn't help at all.

I think you thought you'd joined the club of wives fixing their husbands and we'd all agree he needs this, but you've discovered that the idea you'd built up is actually wrong, as so many people have called you out on it. Instead of doubling down you might want to rethink your behaviour and assess the damage you're causing to someone you claim to care about.

Every time you comment you send the message he's not good enough. If he wanted to change his style he would have. He hasn't, so you've got your answer. He's happy with how he looks even if you aren't. No means no.

When she's your age she will be a carer or he will be in a nursing home or no longer 🤷‍♀️😂
Them's the breaks when you marry your dad.

Super controlling as everyone else has said, why is this only an issue now you are married??

I’m 10 years old than your husband. I wear band T-shirts. I literally live in Adidas trainers. I wear similar casual wear to my daughters and my smarter clothes are almost all from Oliver Bonas.

I am very, very contentedly single and will remain that way, especially if I meet a man who tries to tell me what to wear 🫠

This would be seen as coercive control if the boot was on the other foot. You are allowed to hate the way he dresses but you can’t force him to change.

People express themselves through their clothes.
Telling a person you don't like their style is the same as telling them you need them to be different.
My ex did his best to control everything I wore so I would project the image of the kind of women he wanted to be seen with. Please don't do that to someone you love.

Sorry but you can’t tell a grown man what to wear because YOU don’t like what he’s wearing.

im assuming he wore these clothes before you married him.

How would you feel if he told you what to wear, how to have your hair, what make up to wear.

We are not 'acting like' anything. Why would women have a say in what their men wear? When any woman posts on here saying that her husband tells her what to wear and what not to wear, posters rightly point out that he's controlling and she should tell him to piss off and wear what she likes. I don't see why it would be any different the other way around. You got together with him knowing what his preferred clothing style was. You don't get to change it.

As for taking David Beckham as a model - urgh no.

You are being very unreasonable. If you like DB’s look so much why don’t you dress like him and if that was so important to you then why did you marry someone who you don’t like the look of.
Imagine if your husband started buying you clothes that you would never normally wear and said he’d prefer it if you dressed like Katie Price/Hopkins/ Middleton - whoever. How would you like it?
Edited to say he is not ‘slightly’ older.

God, I don’t often feel old on here but occasionally I read a post where the callowness of the OP makes me wince. You come off as super shallow and immature, @Limmies. You married who you married so no, you don’t get to pressure your adult husband into changing his personal style into something more appealing to you. He’s not your child. He’s been knocking about for almost half a century so hopefully has figured out what he is comfortable in. YBVU here.

It really isn’t!

I think I know the trope you mean, and I don’t know where it comes from, it sounds a bit 70s sitcom-ish. But it really isn’t typical behaviour and it’s not loving.

You don’t sound as if you have a lot of respect for him to be honest. You say you were being nice and positive but if his sister picked up on it and told you to leave him alone, you were clearly being overbearing. Honestly, don’t do that whole “I’m going to control you for your own good” thing that some people try to frame as being caring, it isn’t fair.

I hope this isn't real. Poor bloke.

Of all the women he could have met, who shared his likes, and cherished him for who he is, he had to meet you.
Poor bloke.
You come over as a nasty unpleasant controlling individual

Yes it’s controlling.

marrying someone and then trying to change who they are.

Yes you are being controlling. The fact his sister pulled you up means that you are outwardly voicing these feelings either via passive aggressive barbs or speaking out directly. Either is very unpleasant.

Controlling and annoying. You don't get a say in what he wears and vice versa. Leave the man alone. If you want something to dress as you wish, get a doll.