Am I being controlling?

[Limmies]

I’m 31. Recently married my slightly older partner (47).

I absolutely despise the way he dresses. He wears scrubs for work so that’s fine. But he sees himself as a bit of a rocker. Was in a band back in the day. So wears a lot of band tees, leather jackets (ugly ones), boots, plaid t shirts etc.

I just hate it. It honestly looks a bit silly and man childesque. I make an effort with my appearance.

I have bought dh so many clothes and do give him suggestions on nights out. His older his sister came to stay and really put me in my place. Telling me to “leave him alone”. I don’t mind the tees at home but when he’s out I think I’d like him to take a bit of inspiration from the likes of David Beckham which is what I prefer the look of. Some nice knitwear and some smart-casual trousers.

When I say he looks like a man child I’m not joking. I’m genuinely trying to help.

Or am I being a controlling wife?

Yes, you are being very controlling.

You should stop putting him down and shut up about it. If appearances are that important to you, you probably shouldn’t have married someone 16 years older.

You’re weird! He’s always dressed as he does and it didn’t bother you, now you’re married you want to change him! I’m guessing you married him for the lifestyle he can offer as by the sounds of it he’s probably a doctor at consultant level!

This reminds me of the old joke:

Describe how a marriage goes
Aisle
Altar
Hymn

If his sister is telling you to leave him alone then it must be obvious to outsiders what you’re doing.

It’s fine to buy some clothes for him but it’s up to him what to wear.

His style sounds cool. He's a rocker...nowt wrong with that.

We don't have a say in what our husbands wear. I never tell him what to wear just as he never would tell me.

You sound awful

I do understand your view point, but it doesn’t sound like his style changed, he’d always been like this. And that I think makes you unreasonable.

my husband is crap at dressing and I buy a lot of his clothes, but I show him and suggest, and if he doesn’t like it he says no, and yes he dresses like your images when out and likes his appearance.

hes married a much younger woman and suspect he’s trying to look younger or in his head he’s the same age as you.

so I think you’re unreasonable as he wishes to dress like this, you’ve made your suggestions, he’s rejected it, he thinks he looks good, so it’s time to accept it.

I'm more interested as to why you would say he is 'slightly' older

This.

'Slightly older'. You are kidding yourself. He's old enough to be your father.

Why are you pretending that it's normal to marry someone and instantly try to change them? How bizarre.

Women only have a say in what their husband wears if he is fine with that. That has absolutely always been the case. Yours doesn't want your interference, as is his right.

Maybe don't model your marital expectations on 1970s sitcoms.

I have sympathy OP. Ive been with my husband for 30 years and he still wears the same style of clothes he did when he was a teenager. Not particularly because he likes that style but because he doesn't know what else to wear and doesn't care enough about how he looks to bother thinking about it. I do gently encourage him to try other things and he now has a few respectable going out outfits. I do think about how this would be if it was reversed and he was telling me what to wear but it does feel different because he doesn't care whereas I take time over my appearance and clothes. He also does like the other clothes, I'm not just fitting him into my ideas.

“He’s not slightly older, he’s a different generation.”
Perfectly put 👍

OP, you’d better get used to it now… it ain’t gonna get better.
(my ‘D’H is only 9yrs older! ☺️)

He isn't "slightly" older. He's significantly older, though not as old as my 85 yo father, who wears the sort of stuff you've posted.

You sound awful though. I hope he starts firing into you about your appearance all the time too.

His style is his personality, you can't and shouldn't change that! And a 16 year age gap is significant, not "slightly older ". I worry you'll have issue with that too eventually, as the gap visibly widens quite quickly.

Would rather see someone dressing with a bit of personality than looking like all the football lads/latest trend in river island wherever. Those style inspiration photos show the most boring bland outfits ever. Let him dress how he feels comfortable. As long as he's not wearing dirty clothes, who cares if he's not looking trendy and smart, that's not his style.

Surely he dressed like this when you met him.
If he has suddenly gone from looking great to dressing like a slob I can understand that but not if he has always dressed like he does.
I also think there is a huge age gap here.
Things will only get worse.

My ex married the man she was planning to turn me into. To be fair, he was quite a catch. Didn't work out terribly well though.

I do agree his style is very old to be fair.
Reminds me of the hairy bikers who are I think were mid 60s. I could be wrong. It’s a look of a mid/late 60s man though.

What’s that saying
men get married hoping their wife stays the same
women get married and try to change the man

honestly why did you marry someone 16 years older than you
your embarrassed by him which is never a good thing

but to be fair I buy most of my other half’s clothes
t-shirts jeans boots coats I think over the years I’ve pretty much bought all of his wardrobe 😂
luckily he likes my taste in clothes and what I buy him looks really good on him

Of course you are being controlling. You come across as very immature. Leave the poor man alone.

He married a woman 16 years younger and dresses like it's 20+ years ago...

Clearly you can't change him and clearly it is obvious enough that someone's noticed and told you to stop.

I agree this is a significant age difference op, not a slight one. And there is going to come a point where you realise that fully, in fact I think you’re starting to realise it now, and that’s the root of this, the honey moon period is over and your realising this is a much older man who looks like he’s trying to come across much younger.

i think you’re fine with his age as long as he dresses and looks like a sexy elegant older man, what you don’t want is a ageing man child trying to pretend he’s 30. Fine with his age right now. In two decades It could be very different indeed,

This 100%.

Unless someone asks you for an opinion on their appearance, you don’t critique it or try to change it.

And IMHO band tees and leather jackets are better than what David Beckham wears, though obvs depends on how people wear stuff.

DP has terrible dress sense. Jeans that are saggy round the bum but tight fighting round the ankle. Awful shape. Horrible boots that look like they belong to a clown. Some very questionable shirts and T-shirts. And flip flops. With aforementioned awful weird saggy tight jeans! But he wore all that stuff when we got together. It’s his style and his choice. He doesn’t care that much about clothes. Over the years I have bought him a few shirts which are similar to the ones he had before but nicer. He really loves them and wears them all the time. Whilst they’re not necessarily what I would pick out for a man given a free rein, I bought them because they were in his style but a bit more updated that his old ones. I wouldn’t have bought him things in a completely different style to his own as (a) that’s very controlling and (b) he wouldn’t wear them! I wouldn’t take kindly to a man (my spouse even!) telling me my style was dreadful and childish and trying to get me to dress like a celebrity they liked the style of! I’d be running for the hills!!!

Yes you’re being horribly controlling. You may think you only nicely suggested a nice outfit for a restaurant in front of his sister, but clearly it was misjudged, hence her comment.

Leave the man be, unless he asks for your advice.