Am I being controlling?

[Limmies]

I’m 31. Recently married my slightly older partner (47).

I absolutely despise the way he dresses. He wears scrubs for work so that’s fine. But he sees himself as a bit of a rocker. Was in a band back in the day. So wears a lot of band tees, leather jackets (ugly ones), boots, plaid t shirts etc.

I just hate it. It honestly looks a bit silly and man childesque. I make an effort with my appearance.

I have bought dh so many clothes and do give him suggestions on nights out. His older his sister came to stay and really put me in my place. Telling me to “leave him alone”. I don’t mind the tees at home but when he’s out I think I’d like him to take a bit of inspiration from the likes of David Beckham which is what I prefer the look of. Some nice knitwear and some smart-casual trousers.

When I say he looks like a man child I’m not joking. I’m genuinely trying to help.

Or am I being a controlling wife?

Did she try to change him too?

@Limmies The pictures you shared are a particular style, rather than a level of smartness. Not a style I like personally.

I am close to your DH's age and jeans, band t-shirt and checked shirt sounds good to me.

I think there is a difference between pointing out that the place you are going to might not be a T-shirt and trainers place and trying to change his whole style.

He sounds very grown up and put together to me, he has a good job by sounds of it and has obviously cultivated his own style, rather than not thinking or caring what he puts on.

I thinking there is also a difference between couples that get together young and grow up together. Your DH was an independent adult and built a life before you got together.

Hear hear 👏🏻

YABVU

You need to accept him for who he is, the clothes and the tattoos. You are trying to change a man who has always dressed that way and is comfortable with who he is. It is actually an attractive quality to be confident and comfortable with who he is.

If he all of a sudden started to dress differently or stopped washing regularly and wore dirty clothes then you would be more justified to say something as that would be a significant shift

I get why his sister said something as she knows he is happy with himself and it’s actually quite rude of you to suggest he wears something else because you deem it more appropriate no matter how gently you feel you said it, it’s the principle

You actually come across insecure yourself by the fact you’re quick to say how handsome he is but that you hate how dresses, if you’re embarrassed by him that is a you problem to work on and if you wanted a guy that dresses like everyone else you should have married them

Is this a recent dislike of his clothes? It sounds like you don’t like your husband and don’t want to be with him. Is this the case OP?

Think about it OP. If you were reading a post on here from a wife saying that her DH was trying to change what she wore, kept buying clothes she wasn’t comfortable with and telling her he wants her to dress more like Victoria beckham, what would you be thinking?
You presumably married your husband because you love who he is? You are being controlling.

You'd love my husband then OP! Head to toe in Nike and Adidas 😅

Now imagine the backlash if a man behaved the same towards his partner, @Limmies? Just because you're a woman doesn't mean that you can't be an emotionally abusive, coercive controlling partner.

Do him a favour and get divorced because you don't deserve to be in a relationship, you don't have the right personality for it. Get some therapy and CBT to work put why you're so shallow and controlling. Is this learnt behaviour? Maybe your parents/ friends are like this and you thinl it's a normal way to behave.

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/6267c429e90e0716982a3250/ContCoerBehavStatGuid_V3-10-04-22.pdf

Let the poor man wear what he wants, as long as it is clean and in decent repair then it is none of your business. It is not 1960, men don't have to surrender to the M&S beige v neck as soon as they hit 40.

Mr Monkey is in his fifties and as a runner who works for a sports brand, he spends most of his days in shorts and hoodies. As an ex raver his down time dress tends to be trainers, jeans and t shirts.

The only thing I would say (and this applies to women too) as you age it helps if your casual wear is of a better quality and cut. So Mr Monkey's jeans are good quality Japanese demim for example.

A 16 year age gap is not 'slightly older' 🙄

FYI my stepdad dresses the same. He's not much older than your husband, 52. I'm 32.

You lost me at ‘taking inspiration from David Beckham’. I hope you don’t want the full-coverage tattoos, too.

Bloody hell. You remind me of a ‘friend’ I had who was getting her husband tailor made shirts for his 40th, despite his complete lack of interest in clothes ( especially shirts) because ‘ I think he should have them’, whilst trying to ban his friends from buying him something he’d actually really like for his 40th ( really good whisky).

Leave him alone. He’s lived a lot longer than you and knows who he is, what he likes, and, unlike you, is confident enough in himself not to care what others think of what he likes.

And yes you are controlling.

You sound a bit shallow OP. They are just clothes. Clean and weather / occasion appropriate is kind of a general area for concern I suppose.
Your husband wears the clothes he likes and feels confident in. I expect you do the same. Does he comment on your clothes 🤔. I bet you would be offended if he talked about you as you are talking about him.
It absolutely isn't Ok to try and tell other people what to wear just because you are married.
Leave him be and move on to a more interesting thing to think about.

I can't believe you married him if that is how he dresses.

I think DB looks absolutely filthy with those tattoos, genuinely awful looking.

His sister is very cheeky to get involved.

Old men dressing like that is particularly sad and no matter how attractive I certainly couldn't get over his appearance, which he is so attached to.

That biker look screams insecurity but as he is unprepared to change you will just have to suck it up.

That is a huge age gap and I think you should think very very carefully about having children with him.

The biker look 10 years from now, approaching 60 will likely give you the Ick.

He’s a rocker and must’ve dressed like that when you met him - he’s nearly 50, he’s not going to change - it’s his style.
i may have told DH I’m not keen on a pair of trousers or whatever but it’s not his entire style. We def ask each others’ opinions on some purchases, but I think that’s normal.

So is wanting your dh to channel DB also mean taking up his habit for extra marital affairs as well? Be grateful for what you've got.

That poor man. When someone in your life constantly tells you they don’t like something about you - and tries to change it - it will eventually erode your confidence in who you are. When you repeatedly try to change his style, you give him the message that he isn’t good enough and is not living up to your expectation. For his sister to have noticed means it must be really quite overt. Continue like this and you will kill off your marriage - and any confidence your husband had. Hopefully he sees this as the “you problem” it is, and not a flaw in him.

How on earth did you find him attractive if you dont like how he dresses or his tattoos?!

This has baffled me!

You married him, now want to change him? No, im sorry thats just horrible.
There is a real difference between requesting him to put on some smart clothes on a one off occassion for a wedding or really fancy restaurant to wanting to change his whole look.

If he isnt good enough how he is then leave him. You sound so very shallow....what do you like about him apart from his physique under his clothes?! (Which is also bizzare as you say you hate his tattoos 😂)

It sounds like you just love his physique and want to show off what you married by changing his dress sense to accentuate these features.

P.s I dont factor in age here there's 14 years between me and my DP (im the cougar 😂 we don't try and change each other, age isnt a factor here)

Yes you are being a controlling wife. Try reversing this. How would you feel if he didn’t like what you wore, kept making comments about how awful you look, trying to change you. It’s awful controlling and emotionally abusive behaviour. Take a good hard look at yourself.

Why do women marry men and then try to change them? Presumably you liked the way he looked when you married but now you want him to look like David Beckham who wears clothes for money (or did) as part of his 'brand'.
My late DH wore fringed jackets and cowboy hats when I met him. He wore boots with spurs. For a formal do he would wear a frock coat and cravat and wildly patterned waistcoasts with a fob watch and double Albert. He looked wonderful. He also wore suits as he disliked the habit of dressing down.
Your husband likes fun clothes. Let him be. Why not dress up in more interesting things yourself? Give it a whirl.

I can't believe no one has asked which bands are on his tshirts 😆 that would be a dealbreaker for me.

Use to be in a band and dresses like a rocker... isn't what he wears a big part of his personality and how he sees himself? Let him be.

Can you imagine the reverse, a woman who likes to wear jeans & dungarees (not my choice) being told that she must wear cocktail dresses and heels because husband would like someone who dresses like Dita von Teese?

I think we'd all agree that it was very controlling, coercive and abusive.

YABVVU

I can't imagine trying to control what my DH wears. Or vice versa.

Anyone remember Beckham in his sarong days?

What boring clothes.