AIBU - kids sleeping over at GP’s

[Chiavennasca]

My 2 boys, aged 4 & 8, love staying at their GP’s house (DH’s parents.) They stay over every Friday after school. Me and DH love the child free night and usually pick them up the next day about 1/2pm.

here’s my problem. I know they love being fun grandparents, and I get it but sometimes I do wish they would “adult” a bit more. They don’t put them to bed at all, there is no bed time, they get to lie in bed and watch tv till they fall asleep. This is usually after midnight. But both my boys are early risers so they’re still up at 8am the following morning. This means when I pick them up the rest of Saturday is spent with angry, overtired children. but GPs see it as a fun thing “no bed time at Gran and Papas woohoo!” For note - they are both retired and complete night owls themselves.

my other issue is food. Again, they are coming at the angle of being fun grandparents so every meal seems to be optional. Today, MIL said to me “we offered DC (8) x y and z for breakfast but he didn’t want any of it - so he ended up having a packet of wotsits!” I don’t give my DC a choice for breakfast they eat what’s set down in front of them. I know for a fact if she’d given my DC toast or cereal or whatever without question he’d have eaten it.

after we picked them up today, at 2pm, both DCs were hungry (both only had snacks all day - was told sandwiches were made but not eaten) and overtired and crabby. Honestly the rest of the day was a right off and now they’ve both had to go to bed super early on a Saturday night to catch up on sleep. I’m exhausted. For reference - both kids are genuinely super easy go with the flow kids.

I said to my DH that I think we need a break from sleepovers. They are our only outside childcare so they don’t sleepover anywhere else. Me and DH do love the time alone together on a Friday night / sat morning but honestly I don’t think it’s worth it for how rubbish the rest of our Saturday ends up being.

AIBU?

I was going to say if op lets the kids stay untill
later on a Saturday then she hardly sees her kids. However if this longer period was cut to once a month then yes . The grandparents can see the after effect.

Maybe do a trial run , pretend you have something on this Saturday and collect them late afternoon. See how it’s went then maybe you can have the talk with the grandparents then. @Chiavennasca

I agree with this

Your DH has a chat to his parents. Lay down 3 (or however many) rules. Explain why

If nothing changes then you stop the sleepovers. Instead the children can see GPs from 9 30 to 6 on a Saturday or Sunday

Well if the alternative is no more sleepovers which are you going with?…..

And as PP says.....what happens if, as a trial, you collect the children at 6pm on a Saturday

Would the children "play up" for the GPs on a Saturday afternoon?

You’re being way too generous about them OP.

If they didn’t want to do this they wouldn’t, they’re doing it for themselves not for you… it’s just wrapped up in being a favour for you. I doubt your late mum has come into their mind at all when it comes to being the fun GPs. I’m sorry to say that and sorry that what started off as being helpful has gone too far.

Unfortunately they’ve got wrapped up in the idea that they are the best GPs since sliced bread and clearly outperform all their other friends at grandparenting - because it does become performative.

to be these amazing GPs they have to go to quite extreme lengths around food, tv, bedtimes…, ones which any parent would be rightly judged for.

While it’s nice for you and DP to have a night together, why aren’t your kids seeing friends and doing hobbies on a Saturday? It’s also stopping them from joining a football club, art club, play date… whatever … which are normal parts of childhood that they can’t have under this scenario.

Kids should be around family but not to the extent that it stops them being kids.

If I were you I’d be signing them up to some Saturday activities, arranging to see some friends and knocking these on the head except in school holidays. It sounds lovely for you all on paper but doesn’t add up at all.

you can also use this to explain it - Hi GP, kids need to do some stuff out of school and we are having to turn down invitations to see friends as they can’t manage after a sleepover. So afraid we will have to limit them to the holidays when they have less on and it would be lovely. Thanks for your understanding, but it’s not possible to do both.

As a GP myself, they are (probably accidentally) sabotaging you.

I agree with this. I don't think it's fair on the children to have such inconsistencies in their routines. They must be manic with tiredness the next day if they're going to sleep at midnight and waking at their usual time in the morning. You can be fun AND responsible as grandparents. They seem to be quite self centered if they can't keep to a decent bedtime, eg 9pm instead of 7.30pm for instance as children must be tired after a day at school on a Friday.

It’s weird you won’t talk to them in case you’re “overstepping “. You are their parent and responsible for their wellbeing.

Also, what’s with the only being fun as grandparents. It’s vey slightly immature. I agree it works if it’s only occasionally, but not regularly.

thats why I suggested every other weekend instead of every weekend - that way op gets a nice weekend with dc and the following weekend - she doesn't get to see as much of her dc but then Saturday afternoons aren't nice anyway so she gets a nice Sunday with them.

Hopefully the grandparents reap the benefits of their lax ideals on Saturday afternoon

Yes. I found this odd too

I wonder if OP wants to keep her free Friday nights without having to step up and "piss off" the GPs in case she loses her free Friday nights

You and your husband are the parents, @Chiavennasca. You can't let this continue, even if you DO lose your free Fridays

Personally I’d do the opposite and pick them up at dinner time - let your in-laws see what this leads to the next day. But taking two kids food shopping on a Saturday was always going to be tricky! Can’t you go food shopping in the morning before you get them?

I think 99% of parents have never had a day off a week so lots of us are frankly just jealous. My husband and I have had two nights off in 13 years and our relationship has suffered for it. So I would think carefully about what you want in your relationship with your husband as well as your kids. Can you have sleepovers once or twice a month so you have time as a family as well?

Your children have fun at their grandparents house. That's what grandparents are for, to indulge & spoil & kick back the routines they have at home. As for 8am being classed as "early risers" i would consider yourself blessed. My 3 never slept in beyond 6am regardless of what time they went to bed.
If it genuinely bothers you, the solution is to stop the sleepovers, but you will forfeit your night off and your children won't be happy about it.

I fear my earlier post was too long. Kids should be being kids with other kids on the weekend. Clubs, sports, hobbies, play dates, art, music, bike rides - whatever they like.

If all you do with them is take them food shopping after seeing their GP I do feel a bit sorry for them (and why not do the food shop online?). I think that’s another angle you should consider.

The kids themselves are missing out, the thread so far seems to forget this.

I think there's a wide gap between parents being be all and end all and spending school day end Friday to early afternoon Saturday with someone else.

Reduce the sleepovers or pay the price for your child free night.

Yeah, I feel you're being overly controlling with your kids, especially the older one.

Can you not talk to them about making good food choices; point out that he feels crap now (Sat afternoon) because he hasn't fuelled his body properly?

I don't think the falling asleep over a film/video is that much of an issue if they are waking as late as 8am.

I think it would be really mean to stop the sleepovers. Having a good relationship with GPs is so important.

Wotsits for breakfast every Saturday? No, that's just lazy lax childcare from GPs who don't care enough to set boundaries

Are you sure the boys aren't falling asleep until after midnight? Not many 4 year olds or even 8 year olds can stay awake until that time. And are you sure that your 'difficult' Saturdays are due to having stayed with GPs the night before, or are you perhaps just ascribing any behaviour as being a consequence, a kind of confirmation bias? Our DD would have been able to cope with late nights and wotsits for breakfast without showing any adverse symptoms the next day, but I suppose all kids are different.

DD is 10 and still definitely wouldn’t be able to.

It's not Wotsits every Saturday. It happened once, yesterday.

Lot of people don’t have family support because as in my case they live 3+ hours drive away or have passed. It’s not a “cultural thing”

It’s nice that they get on so well with the grandparents and get to spend regular time with them. I wish my DD got to hers as regularly.

However this is how hers do behave which is ok for once in a while, but weekly is too much. I have a child who doesn’t recognise when she’s tired, hungry or thirsty. She can become really disregulated with lack of sleep or missed meals.

I’d gently explain the impact whilst saying you’d love for sleepovers to carry on. Also state that if they can’t pop the kids to bed at a normal time and feed them meals, that you’ll need to cut back which you really don’t want too

Surely there can be some middle ground?

Can the kids not have a late night without it being extreme? Like stay up till 10pm or something. So still fun and not the normal rules but also not excessive.

Also food, fun out of the ordinary breakfast food which they don’t have during the week like pancakes, cooked breakfast, waffles etc without it resorting to junk?

My children too got up at the same time despite what time they went to bed and it awful having tired, crabby kids. They are missing out too on a Saturday having fun with their parents.

@Chiavennasca it's not overstepping to say to your in-laws "we're finding the boys quite hard work after their sleepovers. They love their 'no rules' later bedtime, but the lack of sleep is showing. I'm going to have to tell them that 10pm is the latest they have to be in bed. If you could remind them, we'd really appreciate it. The upside is that you'll get more sleep too. Oh, and I've told Jack no more Wotsits for breakfast!"

Your partner needs to have an honest conversation with his parents.

“Mum and Dad, as much as we love your relationship with the boys and how much you enjoy hosting them every week we’re really struggling with their behaviour when they come home. If you could please start putting a bedtime in place and feeding them proper meals it would really help.”