AIBU - kids sleeping over at GP’s

[Chiavennasca]

My 2 boys, aged 4 & 8, love staying at their GP’s house (DH’s parents.) They stay over every Friday after school. Me and DH love the child free night and usually pick them up the next day about 1/2pm.

here’s my problem. I know they love being fun grandparents, and I get it but sometimes I do wish they would “adult” a bit more. They don’t put them to bed at all, there is no bed time, they get to lie in bed and watch tv till they fall asleep. This is usually after midnight. But both my boys are early risers so they’re still up at 8am the following morning. This means when I pick them up the rest of Saturday is spent with angry, overtired children. but GPs see it as a fun thing “no bed time at Gran and Papas woohoo!” For note - they are both retired and complete night owls themselves.

my other issue is food. Again, they are coming at the angle of being fun grandparents so every meal seems to be optional. Today, MIL said to me “we offered DC (8) x y and z for breakfast but he didn’t want any of it - so he ended up having a packet of wotsits!” I don’t give my DC a choice for breakfast they eat what’s set down in front of them. I know for a fact if she’d given my DC toast or cereal or whatever without question he’d have eaten it.

after we picked them up today, at 2pm, both DCs were hungry (both only had snacks all day - was told sandwiches were made but not eaten) and overtired and crabby. Honestly the rest of the day was a right off and now they’ve both had to go to bed super early on a Saturday night to catch up on sleep. I’m exhausted. For reference - both kids are genuinely super easy go with the flow kids.

I said to my DH that I think we need a break from sleepovers. They are our only outside childcare so they don’t sleepover anywhere else. Me and DH do love the time alone together on a Friday night / sat morning but honestly I don’t think it’s worth it for how rubbish the rest of our Saturday ends up being.

AIBU?

Without asking the grandparents to see if they will meet you guys in the middle, I think it would be unfair to stop the sleep overs if they like it. It's fab to hear of a couple of children who love to be with them and not dragging their feet. It's also really kind of them to take them so frequently, it really is and I should imagine in a few years they will be getting too old to deal with children and the children will start to want to do their own thing as they grow older too and the sleepovers will naturally come to a stop.

If the grandparents won't meet you in the middle regarding earlier bedtimes etc, then at least you've tried before putting a stop to the sleepovers. You could try with the food too, dropping off the childrens ultimate fav foods when you take the kids over, then it still feels like fun there for them.

Do not stop the sleepovers! Why turn away the gift of a child free night together?
Ask the GPs to make a few tweaks such as the bedtime thing - a compromise eg Tv off by 10pm.

As for the food, supply a box of their favourite cereal or something they’ll definitely eat. Don’t deny them a fun night altogether!

I mean half of my family support is either dead or lives across the Atlantic so yes I agree. You’ve also assumed the support I do have is within reasonable distance.

Whilst I do agree with your statement I do sometimes think culture plays a big part into it coming from a mixed family.

They may well agree to do this but then not enforce switching the telly off.

Id explain that the boys love their sleepovers but that it's ruining every weekend for you as they are too tied. So reluctantly you are going to have to make it every other weekend until the boys learn to sleep in, or to go to bed earlier so that they are not crabby for the rest of the weekend. Ask the gps if they can help them to get to sleep earlier. Then there is an incentive for the gps to get things into a better routine. Explain that you are happy to increase the sleepovers again, once the boys are in a better routine, but it isn't fair for you to have no quality weekend time

You say 'they are our only outside childcare so they don't sleepover anywhere else' seemingly completely unaware of how fortunate you are to have family who will do this for your family every week. Many people don't have this luxury.
But, it's not working for you so stop the frequent sleepovers, maybe cut it down to once or twice a month. If you find that doesn't work for you either because you're used to one night off from parenting each week then accept that the grandparents will do things on their terms. You cannot tell them what to do, unless it's a safety issue. This is the price you pay for free regular childcare.

I think it's going to be very difficult for your parents to change their lack of rules now that your children have learnt that, fe, refusing breakfast = crisps.

Better to cut down sleep overs to a few during the school holidays when it matters less. If they grumble (kids or grandparents) you can explain why.

I actually am a mum, I have two children, and they’re lucky enough to have two very hands-on grandparents. If my parents wanted to have my children one night a week, I genuinely wouldn’t see a problem with it.

I have friends who lived with their parents when their children were small, and now those children stay with their grandparents every Friday because they love it there. It’s not “giving them away”… it’s another home where they feel safe, loved, and wanted.

Families look different. What feels essential to one family doesn’t have to be the same for another. For some parents, support is how they survive exhaustion, work, mental load, and the realities of parenting.

It takes a village to raise children. Having one doesn’t mean you love your kids any less, and choosing a different setup isn’t something other parents need to be brought down for simply because it isn’t how they’d do it.

They aren’t responsible adults. A 4 year old up until midnight? I wouldn’t ever leave my kids in their care.. what other basic care aren’t they providing?

Are your kids really so difficult that you don’t want to see them on a Saturday morning ever? That’s a quarter of the weekend. The 2 days out of the week you get to spend together.

Yeah this is annoying OP. I noted one person said that grandparents are there to spoil children. No - no they’re not! I had to speak to my own parents due to the amount of sweets and chocolate poured into them.

the treats are ok to a point but not so much as it affects the next two days. It also makes your own parenting harder as you become the boring ones and they’re the Disney GPs.

Id reduce it down to 1x per month and ask that they eat proper food and go to bed by Xpm. (Whatever is normal for them - 8?).

Good luck OP and sorry for your loss

It sounds like you are a GP yourself maybe? … I’d very much argue against this… it’s only childcare if it’s essential to the parents and the GPs are mostly doing it to help out but would probably rather another arrangement.

In this case frankly I think the people getting the most out of it are the grandparents - not the kids and not the parents. It’s not childcare and nor is it free considering the trade off!

And frankly under no circumstances should the parents have to accept the GP way of doing things. But certainly not in this one.

They’re doing things their way because it make them feel good … including not wanting to risk falling out with the GK so allowing them to have wotsits for breakfast. As if the kid will ever eat proper breakfast when it knows it can have wotsits??

How is this batshit? My kids get a healthy breakfast that I know they like to eat but they don’t get a say in the matter on a daily basis. Asking them what they want when you’re going to say no to the junk food you know they will ask for is completely batshit.

My own children didn't get to have sleepovers at their grandparents without us, due to distance. I'm now aware how much they missed out, and how much their grandparents did, even though we had lovely family stays with them

I love having my DGDs sleepover. Having them to myself is such a joy. It's a very different relationship when they're not looking to their parents first, and the little rituals they choose to have at Grandma's house, warm my heart. In hindsight I'm so sad that my lovely MIL never got to experience that.

It makes me sad to see so many on this thread jump straight to 'you have to put an end to the sleepovers/make them once a month' without suggesting that OP just ask the GPs to adapt their routine.

And this is why (if they lived closer) we don’t do grandparent sleepovers. Completely undermines parenting

I had the exact same issue with my own parents. In the end, I suggested that they had them once a month instead of each week, as their tiredness was ruining our weekends. They started putting them to bed before then. We also started picking them up before lunch, and then that partly solved the food issue. They still ate crap on the night and in the morning, but I had to pick my battles and they ate healthily the rest of the week and we did appreciate the childcare.

Agree. I just put weetabix in bowls on school days. Done .

Weekend breakfasts are more fun

It sounds like the children love going to their grandparents and as someone who was very close to mine growing up, I cherish those memories now they are no longer here.
So I'd probably change things slightly by collecting the children in the morning and giving them lunch at home. Saturday afternoons can then be chill time, with an early night. You've still got Sunday to do family days out etc.

Sleep/bedtime is my issue, food not so much. Midnight for a 4 and 8 yo is way too late. I would pull up on that that's all, dont stop visits that'a punishing them and not right

You seem a bit uptight over this. You know what GPs do so when you pick DC up have lunch ready for them. Nothing wrong with chilling all Saturday afternoon with TV, or reading to DC. Nothing much wrong with the occasional packet of whotsits for breakfast either. You are being unreasonable when your in-laws are giving you a nice break. Let go a bit.

This.

Your kids are in school all week and likely exhausted, what they most likely need is their parents to pick them up, and have a nice family evening together as well as an early night and a fun activity together on Saturday morning.

Then maybe once a month, they could go to GP’s on Saturday evening and you collect Sunday morning and have a rest day at home. Repeat in the holidays when they are more well rested.

After all this time your DC might actually be wanting a bit more structure at the GPs. Novelty wears off and they may be fed up of feeling rubbish on Saturdays. It’s an easy conversation to have with the GPs: at first it was so nice for them to have a relaxed no boundaried evening and so grateful for the relationship you have with them etc, but in order to continue it being a regular thing it’s best to have a bit more structure as it’s negatively affecting the rest of the weekend. So, ok to film nights but in bed by 9:30pm, and a proper breakfast all together. The breakfast can also be fun: French toast, dippy eggs, nice fruit etc. And then pick them back up at 10:30am so you can get on with the rest of your day (and the day isn’t ruined by a bad lunch and too many snacks).

My dp's had my boys every Sat night. I was a working sp and they loved going.

I would let everything slide EXCEPT the bedtime routine. Ask that they are sleeping no later than 10pm. Compromise - still late, still chilled out but not as late as midnight.

The food is no big deal.

But doesn't matter once a week at gran's. OP should suggest that GP make sure lights are out and TV off by about nine thirty on Friday night and have a late lunch ready when you pick them up in the afternoon.

Do the sleepovers once a month. Once a week is far, far, far too disruptive and it's not good for your kids to be knackered and filled with junk food, week in week out.

As a one off i wouldn't be bothered by the lack of boundaries but on a weekly basis its having a detrimental impact on the kids and you both so I would put a stop on it. Personally I wouldnt let my kids sleep at grandparents one night every weekend
as after a week of school and after school activities weekends are our family time plus it can cause the issues you are describing.

If you still want your kids to stay away overnight maybe get dh to speak to his mum and explain the negative impact on the kids and ask her to stop it. If that doesn't work its maybe time to rethink the kids staying away every Friday night.