To he upset he still went out when I’m in a flare?

[JuniorJester]

Hi this is my first post so sorry if i do it wrong.

I’m chronically ill and currently in a flare. Like one of the bad ones where even standing up feels like too much. I’ve been like this all week but today has just tipped me over. I’m exhausted and in pain and just really worn down.

We’ve got several kids and they’re all home today. No family nearby and we’re pretty skint so it’s just me most of the time. Partner knew I was bad today, I said it this morning and again around lunch when i couldnt even eat properly.

He had plans to go out this afternoon. Not work just seeing friends. I sort of assumed he’d cancel or at least ask how i was managing but he didnt. He got ready and left like normal. I didnt say dont go because i didnt want to be controlling but honestly i felt awful when the door shut.

Since then i’ve been trying to keep everything together and its just been one thing after another. I know this might sound silly written down but this is how my day has gone so far and i dont want to forget anything:

kids arguing
missed meds because i was distracted
couldnt stand long enough to cook properly
washing piling up
one kid crying over nothing
pain getting worse
house a mess and making me feel worse

I know he’s allowed a life and i dont want him trapped at home because of me. But at the same time I feel really hurt that he saw how bad i was and still went out anyway. It feels like I dont matter in that moment or that I’m expected to just cope no matter what.

Now I’m sat here wondering if I’m being unreasonable and overreacting because technically he didnt do anything wrong. It just feels like he chose himself when I was struggling.

So AIBU to feel upset about this or is this just part of being ill and having to get on with it?

I'm not sure I have any suggestions. But I would urge you to ensure your contraception is watertight as the last thing you need is another DC.

Why wouldn't you say anything when he was getting ready?

Like "I know you've planned to see friends, but I really can't cope with the kids alone. Can you stay?" Or whatever.

That's such a weird, irrelevant and unhelpful thing to say.

Did he at least sort out any food for you and the kids before he left? Even sandwiches?

You would hope someone who loves you would know when you need help and would prioritise giving it.

In future, ask for what you need.

If he resents giving that help then you know where you stand.

Why didn’t you speak to him?
never assume your partner knows what is needed - tonight get the kids to bed and take your meds
how old are the kids? Can they help with anything?
eat and rest and chat to your partner tomorrow

Isn’t it just

Yes I would feel hurt too. How many kids do you have and what ages? Can they help you? What’s he normally like when this happens, is he supportive?

He should have checked with you as a normal loving partner would, but you are ill. Why on EARTH would you not say 'i feel awful and I'm not up to looking after the kids. I need you to stay home'

How often do the flare-ups happen? I’m not excusing his behaviour but if it’s quite a common thing then it’s possible he’s just become a bit desensitised to it.

The fact you mentioned how bad you felt twice to him suggests you were hoping he would take the hint, but he obviously didn’t so next time maybe just ask outright if you need him to stay home. Is he generally supportive?

I’m guessing he doesn’t go out often?

Hope you’re feeling better soon

How old are your children?

It depends tbh
if you are too ill to care for your children and keep them safe, then he should have stayed home and you should have demanded he did.
If you are unwell but able to mind the kids, even with washing piling up and a snack dinner then I think he was ok to go.
You need to have things in place like alarms on your phone and meds boxes so you can manage your meds yourself. It’s really important you aren’t reliant on someone else for the basics like that.
I completely understand that it’s shit for you, but carers also need a break especially if they are working too. Your husband’s respite is a bigger priority than the house becoming untidy

How often do you flare?
What proactive steps are you taking when you flare or to prevent a flare?

How old are your children?

On the face of it he doesn't sound great. However if you flare every time he wants to go out and you have teens, yabu.

Sometimes you need to be absolutely explicit about how you're feeling. You can't rely on people noticing how you're feeling.

I get why you might not want to. It's nice to believe that your partner is totally tuned in and will pick up when you need extra support. No one wants to be a a killjoy either, ie. "Please don't go out and have fun woth your friends. I need you to be here to take some of the boring domestic slack."

How old are the children?

How often do you have flare ups?

It depends how often you have flares where he needs to do a bigger share of the caring, how often he usually goes out, how bad you actually are. If he rarely goes out and you were capable of looking after the kids then he should have gone, if he goes out all the time and you rarely have bad days then he should have stayed. And the the in between situations.

If it's chronic illness he may not have realised today was unmanageable as you manage other days when you are unwell. I would have said outright that I can't manage the DC alone today so please stay.

I'd take this as a lesson to advocate for yourself op. You need to be explicit about what you need from your partner, don't assume that he will guess.
Hope tomorrow is a better day.

I often have flares for autoimmune conditions. Unfortunately it’s just something I have to get on with. I’d expect the children to help out where possible.

If you can’t cope then you need to take responsibility for verbalising that and ensuring your partner is aware. You can’t be annoyed with him when you haven’t asked told him this is a particularly bad flare and you can’t cope.

I am sorry you're having a rough time with your health.

How old are the children? What can you delegate to them if anything - mine knew that sometimes they had to "be Mummy's knees today" when I couldn't walk and do stuff like loading the dishwasher or putting washing away while I'd do the sitting down jobs like folding the clothes etc.

How much of being a carer for your DH do and how often does he socialise? I know when I've had a bad patch DH can get ground down looking after stuff and needs to get out sometimes for fun and a bit of headspace - I did the same when he was ill for the better part of a year.

In that situation in future maybe you could agree that he'll make lunches/whatever meal before leaving for you all to eat while he's out. The laundry and clearing up can wait, and set alarms on your phone to remind you of meds.

I hope you're feeling better soon.

If you are chronically ill it’s probably hard for him
to guess when he needs to stay home if you say nothing. Also if it’s very common then he may still have needed some time out. Advocate for yourself OP

Just to answer some of the questions.

I didnt say anything when he was getting ready because i honestly thought he’d look at me and realise. I know that sounds stupid written down. I did say earlier how bad i felt, twice, but yeah i didnt actually say please dont go. I freeze up with that stuff and then feel worse after.

Kids are 5, 7, 9 and 12. The older two do help a bit but they’re still kids and it all gets loud fast which doesnt help when i’m flaring. They were safe, fed (mostly beige) and ok, just chaotic.

He didnt sort food before he left. I did sandwiches and oven stuff later when i could manage. Missed meds was on me, i usually cope better than this.

Flares happen maybe every few weeks but not always this bad. Today was worse than normal. He doesnt go out loads, maybe once or twice a month. When he’s home he is usually helpful, thats why this has thrown me so much.

I get that i should have been clearer and said it outright. I think i just wanted him to choose to stay without me having to ask, which probably isnt realistic. I’ll talk to him later when the kids are asleep.

Not pregnant and not planning to be. That did make me laugh a bit though.

This is about expectations. You expected him not to go but at no stage did you lay out your expectations of what you want to happen when you are having a flare up.

I get these, I don't work because of my health but Dh and I know what is expected. Which would be, food made and available so no meal prep needed that day. Any washing would be dealt with by him when he gets back same for tidying up and dealing with the children. He would make sure I had everything I needed before going out. He would cut it as short as he could to be able to get back home.

Dh works and when I have flare ups the system above is in place so he can earn money and not need to take time off for me. Talk to him and lay out what you would like to happen even if that means you are unable to take care of the children safely and he stays home. There are levels to my flare ups. Some may just mean I need a bit of input, some mean I cannot do a school run so he has to be available to do that.

He might have thought you wanted him to go anyway because you watched him get ready and said nothing. Hopefully you can work on your communication a bit so you can both get what you need in future