To he upset he still went out when I’m in a flare?

[JuniorJester]

Hi this is my first post so sorry if i do it wrong.

I’m chronically ill and currently in a flare. Like one of the bad ones where even standing up feels like too much. I’ve been like this all week but today has just tipped me over. I’m exhausted and in pain and just really worn down.

We’ve got several kids and they’re all home today. No family nearby and we’re pretty skint so it’s just me most of the time. Partner knew I was bad today, I said it this morning and again around lunch when i couldnt even eat properly.

He had plans to go out this afternoon. Not work just seeing friends. I sort of assumed he’d cancel or at least ask how i was managing but he didnt. He got ready and left like normal. I didnt say dont go because i didnt want to be controlling but honestly i felt awful when the door shut.

Since then i’ve been trying to keep everything together and its just been one thing after another. I know this might sound silly written down but this is how my day has gone so far and i dont want to forget anything:

kids arguing
missed meds because i was distracted
couldnt stand long enough to cook properly
washing piling up
one kid crying over nothing
pain getting worse
house a mess and making me feel worse

I know he’s allowed a life and i dont want him trapped at home because of me. But at the same time I feel really hurt that he saw how bad i was and still went out anyway. It feels like I dont matter in that moment or that I’m expected to just cope no matter what.

Now I’m sat here wondering if I’m being unreasonable and overreacting because technically he didnt do anything wrong. It just feels like he chose himself when I was struggling.

So AIBU to feel upset about this or is this just part of being ill and having to get on with it?

Just seen your update. Your 12 and 9 year old should me more than capable of making sandwiches for lunch as well as washing up. They can also tidy up too, make you drinks. You need to put your illness on their radar so that they can step up. I have two sons who have done this for years.

Agree with having a chat with him, but at a good time for you both. In the meantime, chill with a film with your kids, washing up etc can all wait till tomorrow and he can help then. Look after yourself and remember you can’t pour from an empty jug xx

Why didn't you just talk to him? I'd just ask my husband to not go. Don't be a martyr.

So he really didn’t notice how ill you are? What a twat.

If you have a chronic illness with regular flares you need to get your kids on board with helping around the home- even if you don’t have illness tbh
At 12 and 9 they are more than capable of making a sandwich and washing a few dishes

On a pain management course I was advised to come up with a ‘Flare Plan’.

One the things that’s highly recommended to be in the plan is ‘Ask for help’. You can be very specific about what that looks like. So for example, it could be to line up your meds, make sandwiches and a couple of flasks of soup, and lay out some plates, bowls and spoons before going out.

And/or you both agree with the 12 year old that they can do the sandwiches.

Good luck with it, OP. You’ve got a lot to deal with.

How long was he gone for? It sounds like just an afternoon so surely no nearly long enough for washing piling up to be a worry.

I think at those ages yabu. It's really important that he gets a break. Next time work as a team more to prep food etc if needed, or get a takeaway etc.

I don’t think he’s BU, especially if your flares are every few weeks. I can imagine it’s hard to have a spouse with a chronic illness.

Is this a recent illness? Maybe he’s struggling to adjust or if it’s not recent, maybe he’s just fed up.

At the end of the day, you managed, and that’s the main thing.

A flare of what?

You need to ask for help if you need it, not expect him to read your mind then get upset when he gets it wrong.

He had plans to go out this afternoon. Not work just seeing friends. I sort of assumed he’d cancel or at least ask how i was managing but he didnt. He got ready and left like normal. I didnt say dont go because i didnt want to be controlling but honestly i felt awful when the door shut.

that's your problem, right there.

He is not a mind reader. Tell him when you need him to be around.

I can't see many women buggering off and leaving their ill husband with no food and childcare. Why do men always have to have the bleeding obvious spelt out for them? "Not being a mind reader" isn't much of an excuse is it.

Women need to stop thinking they’re being controlling for having basic standards in a relationship.

You’re very ill, you have joint children. There is absolutely nothing wrong with calling a partner out in this situation and asking why they think it’s acceptable to go out and leave you whilst you’re really ill to look after the kids by yourself.

On the contrary, I did it (as I said earlier in the thread) because burnout is a real issue for carers. Going out once a month is hardly abandoning his children, especially as one is 12 and old enough to make the others beans on toast.

They had food? And if the OP gets flare ups twice a month then that's a pretty standard event. He only goes out once a month or so anyway, and it sounds like it was for a few hours not for days.

I’m sending you a big hug and lots of comfort. He should have stayed, you’re not always in a flare, a flare is temporary and awful. Awful for you. He’s been so selfish. Sending you a hug and he should have thought twice and supported you.

So clear from responses that lots of people (fortunately) don’t know what a flare is like. There’s nothing martyrish about finding it hard to say don’t go out, look at me and judge for yourself.

Love your username 😂❤️

Im really sorry. When he is home, maybe a chat about openly discussing pain and needs. He seems to have missed the memo today. Maybe each morning grade either the flare or level of help needed in. I know its really hard when in the flare up, you dont want to give it any more attention than you need and can get upset discussing it/discussing help needed but if there isnt open chat about it, he will miss things and you are left. Most people would see your pain and think no way would i leave her even on her own, never mind with four kids, three under ten. For today it would be a game of doctors and nurses. Pampering mummy (turns if need be) and games like who can pick up the stuff off the floor the quickest, who can tidy their room.... who can stand on one leg longest. Can the eldest play grown up and do bath or shower time. Can twp eldest earn a couple of quid doing jobs. They can play up when their leader is out of action. Its horribly hard. Also reading to mum. (Kills various birds with one stone). Sorry for rambling.... thinking of stuff i had to get mine to do when i was bed bound. Hope the flare eases soon.

This. You have not mentioned any SEN, regarding the older children, so it is a good idea to start getting them to be able to make simple meals, going forward.

On reading this I wondered if he needed a break? Of this is a common thing. Your chronic pain will be an issue for him too.

If you're completely honest with yourself, do these flare ups tend to coincide with him leaving the house or planning to leave the house?

You said you don't want to be controlling but felt awful when the door shut, is there a chance he's started to see your illness as something that's weaponised to guilt him into staying in or to make him pander to your moods?

My husband has a chronic illness. Sometimes his flare is he is tired and less focused, but he could defo make the kids some fish fingers and then have a movie night. Sometime his flare results in a visit to a&e. Unless he verbalises which end of the flare spectrum he is on, I don’t know (obvs a&e I do but you get my point). So unless he said I need you to stay in because I won’t be able to deal with the kids I would go out!! If I stayed in every time he was in a flare I wouldn’t never been able to move! And as I say sometimes his flare is tiredness

I do understand the wanting him to just realise and stay and do what you need. It feels like he cares more. But he isn't living your life and able to actually know when things are really bad and you can't cope and when things are bad and you can cope. Given it's a chronic condition that flares frequently, he probably plans to get on with his life unless you tell him you need help - because otherwise he's always second guessing himself and you, and your condition dominates his life too. Given he's normally helpful and hasn't refused to look after his kids when you've told him you need him to, him not checking with you doesn't mean he doesn't care about you, it sounds more like he's just trying to balance his life.

They had food, and children of those ages don't really need childcare. The oldest can keep an eye on the youngest for a few hours - it's not like she was left with a newborn and two toddlers!