To he upset he still went out when I’m in a flare?

[JuniorJester]

Hi this is my first post so sorry if i do it wrong.

I’m chronically ill and currently in a flare. Like one of the bad ones where even standing up feels like too much. I’ve been like this all week but today has just tipped me over. I’m exhausted and in pain and just really worn down.

We’ve got several kids and they’re all home today. No family nearby and we’re pretty skint so it’s just me most of the time. Partner knew I was bad today, I said it this morning and again around lunch when i couldnt even eat properly.

He had plans to go out this afternoon. Not work just seeing friends. I sort of assumed he’d cancel or at least ask how i was managing but he didnt. He got ready and left like normal. I didnt say dont go because i didnt want to be controlling but honestly i felt awful when the door shut.

Since then i’ve been trying to keep everything together and its just been one thing after another. I know this might sound silly written down but this is how my day has gone so far and i dont want to forget anything:

kids arguing
missed meds because i was distracted
couldnt stand long enough to cook properly
washing piling up
one kid crying over nothing
pain getting worse
house a mess and making me feel worse

I know he’s allowed a life and i dont want him trapped at home because of me. But at the same time I feel really hurt that he saw how bad i was and still went out anyway. It feels like I dont matter in that moment or that I’m expected to just cope no matter what.

Now I’m sat here wondering if I’m being unreasonable and overreacting because technically he didnt do anything wrong. It just feels like he chose himself when I was struggling.

So AIBU to feel upset about this or is this just part of being ill and having to get on with it?

This may not go down well but looking after someone plus a family is hard. Maybe he just needed the time away. I know I do. My time away is going to work. People don’t always think about the care giver but it’s such a hard thing to do sometimes we just need a break even if the person we are caring for is having a really bad day.

Flares of what though? That's very important

This.

You are going to have to be direct with him.

Unless you’re willing to be direct, speak your mind and be willing to listen to his side too, this will continue to be an issue. Sometimes you’ve got to really bite the bullet and have it out.

He only goes out once or twice a month. If the flares are every few weeks and he was to cancel each time , he'd probably never go anywhere.
I probably sound harsh but having seen many family members completely run themselves into the ground, due to a spouse with long term health conditions, I think the impact on others is seriously underestimated. The older children should learn how to cook basic foods/ make sandwiches. Have a movie day, tell them it's the basics only today. Washing and other household chores can wait until tomorrow.

I don't wish to sound harsh, but things like "missed meds because you're distracted" and not eating well are solely your doing.

If you know you have flares, you need to organise things so that it's manageable for you when one occurs - batch cook and freeze etc.

Your DH is allowed a break, especially if he's been put into the role of being your carer, he's at risk of burnout too and what good will he be if you're both ill as a result?

That might work for your kids, it would’ve worked for mine on a good day, but 4 kids all together with a poorly mum could easily go very differently. Most kids have days where they are unmanageable chaos monkeys, siblings fight, 12yos vary vastly in maturity and I would say a 5, 7 and 9yo still need quite a lot of active parenting. YMMV, but I certainly wouldn’t go out for an avoidable social engagement and leave DH to cope with all 4 if I knew he was ill and in pain. He wouldn’t do it to me either.

I think you need to communicate when you aren't coping. To be honest I would imagine those ages of kids would mostly sort themselves out if needed. Like only the 5 year old is maybe too young to make sandwiches or use the microwave. I get that you wouldn't want the older two to care for the younger two a lot, but by the sounds you don't get flare ups loads and hubby doesn't go out loads, so it's not going to be on the older ones to look after the younger ones for hours every week.

Bang a movie on and order takeaway.

To be honest I'm a bit torn on this op.

Going out maybe once or twice in a month to socialise really is not a lot and I agree that communication is important and you cannot assume that your partner knows where you are at. There's a difference between feeling bad and being unable to manage with lowered expectations. And it's hard if he is at a point where he also really needs his cup filling and that happens at the same time as you having a flare up.

I'm a lone parent and I get pretty debilitating migraines sometimes. I keep things prepped for easy food etc if that happens and accept that our day will just have to look different than it normally does so I can rest.

I also agree your kids are old enough to help with certain food prep and tidying.

However, I think it depends on WHY you struggle to communicate your needs to your partner- if this is your own issue or if actually you are worried about their response. If the latter than that's not okay and you should be able to ask them for help and feel safe to do that.

You need to sit down with him (if you feel safe to do so) and discuss this openly without attacking and ask him how he thinks you can navigate these types of situations as a team to help you each say what you need, and how you can prep the kids to help and be more independent.

Oh if only a chronic illness was that easy that you could prevent a flare🙄

If a 10yo and a 12yo can’t step up for a few hours, make some beans on toast for everyone and give their mum a hand, something has gone horribly wrong somewhere.

We’re talking about a few hours here, it’s not like he was gone all day or overnight. A 12yo should be more than capable of stepping up and being “in charge” while dad is gone. It’s not like her DH left her with four small children who aren’t toilet trained or something - they’re all school aged and should be fine for a few hours, and if the house gets a bit messy, well, so what?

Likewise if they argue or get bored, well, that’s life isn’t it? It won’t kill them.

Op could probably have mitigated it a bit by taking her medication…

There definitely needs to be better communication, and we don't know the fully situation, all I would say it is important for carers to get a break at times as well, children are also old enough to be left for a few hours.

So really just a case of pair talking.

So...you didn't say what you needed? Because that's "controlling"? That makes no sense to me. I don't see how you can be angry with him if you don't say what you need. I do hope you are better stat, however

Yes I agree with this, plus how often and what does this look like ? If your partner is your carer, they deserve a break too or you’ll both be sick. Four children would be fairly demanding I would think.

OP, is your partner the father of all your children? How long have you been together?

Obviously you might not want to share more info, and fair enough, but what is the condition and how long have you had it?

How often does he go out without the kids at the weekends? And do you ever get to?

I think having 4 kids is pretty hardcore parenting and that while they're still young you'd expect most weekends to be a joint effort or divide and conquer at least.

With your partner, tell him exactly how you feel as he can’t read minds; there’s a big difference between ‘I’m not feeling great’ and not being well enough to stand. Have you discussed plans for situations like this? You both knew he was going out and you’d been ill all week, so you could’ve arranged play dates for the kids or a friend to come and help out, batch cooked or preordered a takeaway. Hopefully he wasn’t out the whole day/night and checked in on you but he deserves his time too.

With your kids have you sat them down and explained your illness and what you need from them? They should be helping out in general but should know what do in this situation, especially if an emergency were to happen.

OP if this happening every few weeks, you need to be clear on what you need from your whole family so you’re not left feeling like this.

You definitely should have said something, but I understand why you didn’t. It’s not the same but I used to get horrible cramps when I was in my late teens and I often forgoed asking for help because I didn’t want to feel like a burden. He goes out a couple of times a month… that’s quite a lot for a farther of 4, I’m sure missing one wouldn’t kill him.

Your kids are old enough to cook and wash up.

Next question.

You don't go into detail about what the flare up was, but you do say you've been "like this all week" and that it happens every couple of weeks. How is the burden of care split usually when you're in a flare? What did the rest of the week look like? If he normally takes on quite a lot, then maybe he does need to get out of the house a bit, as other posters have said.

You definitely need to start using your words more though. You say it felt too much to even stand - but it seems like you were standing, and had been all week while feeling that way. You can't expect him to know that if you're not telling him. You can't decide to push through and at the same time expect people to see through the brave face. It's not fair on them. Nor is dropping hints when you've got a chronic illness and four kids in the house. If you feel like you can't manage, you need to communicate that clearly to your partner. For everyone's sake. No more mind reading! It's not serving anyone's needs.

Last but not least: I know you're feeling overwhelmed, but you need to start making some accommodations for your illness. What you're describing as "one thing after another" is a standard day for most mums. There's nothing unusual in it really. Take a deep breath and cut yourself some slack. Think about getting a cleaner, if you can afford it. Older kids can start earning pocket money doing chores. They're also old enough to understand that mum isn't feeling well. Substitute a cooked evening meal for a takeaway or some sandwiches, every once in a while. If this happens every couple of weeks it won't kill them. Stop beating yourself up about it, and make the adjustments you need to get through. It's not child neglect to occasionally feed your kids a pizza. Fuck the "beige food" mum guilt. They'll live.

You have may have a genuine medical condition or youcould be a permanent victim who needs constant attention

What are you doing medically to help yourself?

Well as someone who has several autoimmune conditions (two of which require hospitalisation during flares) and a life limiting illness (we’ll leave that aside for now), OP could start by taking her medication correctly; forgetting due to being distracted isn’t exactly helping the cause.

Those poor kids….