To he upset he still went out when I’m in a flare?

[JuniorJester]

Hi this is my first post so sorry if i do it wrong.

I’m chronically ill and currently in a flare. Like one of the bad ones where even standing up feels like too much. I’ve been like this all week but today has just tipped me over. I’m exhausted and in pain and just really worn down.

We’ve got several kids and they’re all home today. No family nearby and we’re pretty skint so it’s just me most of the time. Partner knew I was bad today, I said it this morning and again around lunch when i couldnt even eat properly.

He had plans to go out this afternoon. Not work just seeing friends. I sort of assumed he’d cancel or at least ask how i was managing but he didnt. He got ready and left like normal. I didnt say dont go because i didnt want to be controlling but honestly i felt awful when the door shut.

Since then i’ve been trying to keep everything together and its just been one thing after another. I know this might sound silly written down but this is how my day has gone so far and i dont want to forget anything:

kids arguing
missed meds because i was distracted
couldnt stand long enough to cook properly
washing piling up
one kid crying over nothing
pain getting worse
house a mess and making me feel worse

I know he’s allowed a life and i dont want him trapped at home because of me. But at the same time I feel really hurt that he saw how bad i was and still went out anyway. It feels like I dont matter in that moment or that I’m expected to just cope no matter what.

Now I’m sat here wondering if I’m being unreasonable and overreacting because technically he didnt do anything wrong. It just feels like he chose himself when I was struggling.

So AIBU to feel upset about this or is this just part of being ill and having to get on with it?

It's awful having a flare OP I know. I hope it settles soon. I think you need to verbalise what you need. I know sometimes we want people to intuitively know what we want but it's not always possible. I would definitely come up with a plan for roles and duties for around the house.and not only for when you are having a flare up.

This, for goodness’ sake! He didn’t see because he didn’t want to. He wanted to go out.

Having to cancel social plans because of childcare is a normal part of being a parent. He has four children. His wife is ill and in pain. For a decent man, it would be a no-brainer, and he wouldn’t have to be asked.

Like hell would I skip out to see friends and leave DH in pain with four children to care for. I actually like him, for one thing.

DH has got an ongoing medical condition that frankly is now tiring me as much as it does him. Sometimes I don't want to be the one doing everything yet again. Doesn't mean I don't feel horribly sorry for him and what he's dealing with, or that I don't love him. But there are times when I have nothing left to give... if you're chronically ill, OP, I don't see the harm in him having a break from that.

You might equally say why do women fuss instead of expecting the adults in their life to be adults and communicate when they need plans changing.

As someone who experiences similar flare ups I completely understand. I also understand how it's exhausting to have to ASK for help all the time. I don't have a solution, but just wanted to say I feel for you and hope you feel better soon x

You said he only goes out once or twice a month - when hes home hes usually really good.

YABU - I'm sorry you're feeling crap, but I think he has the right to go out for some respite as a once in a while thing.

Just let the shit go today - do the bare minimum just to keep everyone alive.

He probably needs a break . No offence but if you have a bad week every few weeks then this is his entire life also. 4 kids and a wife to care for . If he only gets out once or twice a month then its probably good for his mental health.

Have you been in this position because it not I don’t think you can know. Women in this position are saying that they would unless told otherwise as they also need to take care of their own mental health.

As you say he is usually very good, I wouldn't make an issue of this OP. You are feeling sorry for yourself, understandably, because you feel unwell.
However, at the end of the day, you have managed. The kids are fine. The washing piling up etc isn't really relevant. He can help tomorrow.

What do you suffer with op.

And for them that say no woman would leave her husband or partner, well @ginasevern i did, stuck 3 years of the following.
I got fed up with it all, it was every time i wanted to go out he had a flare up, everytime i suggested something he had a flare up, to much house work he had a flare up it became a patten.
Funny how he got on with things when id done everything for him as soon as i said im nipping over to so and so AHHHHH im having a flare up again.
I once went out just to see my sister for a few hours and he moaned when i got back because i should have known he was in pain etc, the only thing i said was im not a mind reader and i needed a break.
Hence a long weekend of sulking and how bad he was all day when i went out.
I needed a break a big one so i left for good for my own mental health and sanity.
Strange thing happen he coped pretty well when i left, someone else can deal with him now.

Im not saying this is you by any means op just saying some women have left because of it, its not just men.

What a horrible, unhelpful post.

@JuniorJester id have asked him to make sure kids fed and place kind of tidy before he left.
Then just hunkered down with the kids movie and popcorn day and forgery about housework when unwell.
Also have asked if he was drinking not to have too much as you are having time out tomorrow ( day in your room / bed )

What “distracted” you into missing your medication, op, when you were already feeling ill? Seems like it would be the last thing you’d forget…
I can’t see what would have been so overwhelmingly dreadful about asking your 12 year old to make some sandwiches? And maybe wash the resultant dishes, although how much could really have piled up from one meal is debatable.

How come the kids can't make sandwiches etc because ours from 7 up easily make themselves sandwiches actually our 12 year old is going thru a toastie making phase, loves making them for everyone..I always make sure the bits and bobs they need are in the fridge or tin cupboard as I also have a chronic illness that can flare up at anytime and last days or weeks. And before anyone says why have kids well I got the chronic illness after covid and never recovered. However on the odd occasion when I feel I just need hubby home I say so and he always willingly does no issues.

Being devil’s advocate here, I’ve been the partner of someone with chronic illness and plans outside of the house with friends do become life lines. I’m sorry if that sound harsh, I don’t mean it to be. Your need for him to be home may have been equal to his need to go out and not be home. I hope you feel better soon x

My grandsons eight and 10 can make sandwiches themselves. The youngest makes amazing scrambled eggs. Their mum has taught them.

I never thought to train their dad or uncles. How daft was I.

@JuniorJester time to teach them to be more independent it would help you enormously.

Next time just ask him to stay and see what he says.

My mum has an autoimmune condition and I have seen what has happens to my dad when he doesn't put his metaphorical oxygen mask on first, so I understand this.

I think a short trip out is ok as long as he comes back brighter and ready to get stuck in with some washing and entertaining the younger kids.

Expecting him to be a mind reader and then being cross when he isn't is not fair. He's your partner, speak to him instead of martyring yourself.

Next time you’re unwell to the point of not being able to function, you need to speak up.
“hey DP, I’m really struggling today, so I’m going to take my meds and get back into bed. You’re on child duty”

My ex went to Arsenal the day after I came home from hospital following an open appendix surgery, leaving me to care for a 20 month old and 4yr old. I realised that day how selfish he was. I do have to say though that he did step up for me when I had a major surgery 5yrs later, and visited me in hospital daily for 3wks and helped out for a couple of months when I got home. Even though we had been split for a few years by then.

But I just think many men don’t even realise how selfish they are sometimes. He could have at least asked if you’d be ok. Hope it eases up. You have my sympathy as I know all too well that raising children with a chronic illness that causes a lot of pain is incredibly difficult.

to be fair he did notice, mentioned it to OP twice.

i dont want him trapped at home because of me
It's not because of you - it's because you both decided to have kids together. It's on both of you - don't feel guilty asking him.

I remember a comedian talking about not being able to read minds and the trouble it got him into at home. I was crying with laughter.

Here's a poem @JuniorJester

I slso think we should know what this "flare up" was!!