To he upset he still went out when I’m in a flare?

[JuniorJester]

Hi this is my first post so sorry if i do it wrong.

I’m chronically ill and currently in a flare. Like one of the bad ones where even standing up feels like too much. I’ve been like this all week but today has just tipped me over. I’m exhausted and in pain and just really worn down.

We’ve got several kids and they’re all home today. No family nearby and we’re pretty skint so it’s just me most of the time. Partner knew I was bad today, I said it this morning and again around lunch when i couldnt even eat properly.

He had plans to go out this afternoon. Not work just seeing friends. I sort of assumed he’d cancel or at least ask how i was managing but he didnt. He got ready and left like normal. I didnt say dont go because i didnt want to be controlling but honestly i felt awful when the door shut.

Since then i’ve been trying to keep everything together and its just been one thing after another. I know this might sound silly written down but this is how my day has gone so far and i dont want to forget anything:

kids arguing
missed meds because i was distracted
couldnt stand long enough to cook properly
washing piling up
one kid crying over nothing
pain getting worse
house a mess and making me feel worse

I know he’s allowed a life and i dont want him trapped at home because of me. But at the same time I feel really hurt that he saw how bad i was and still went out anyway. It feels like I dont matter in that moment or that I’m expected to just cope no matter what.

Now I’m sat here wondering if I’m being unreasonable and overreacting because technically he didnt do anything wrong. It just feels like he chose himself when I was struggling.

So AIBU to feel upset about this or is this just part of being ill and having to get on with it?

He should still be able to see his friends, you are being unreasonable about that ,but you need to manage your condition better.

You can't not take your medication, especially if you are feeling rubbish , that's on you. The rest , leave the kids to argue , leave the washing to pile up. Only do what you can manage comfortably. Tomorrow is another day

If he only goes out 1-2x per month based on what you’ve described (chronic relapsing remitting illness) I don’t think he should’ve had to stay.

I would still discuss it so you have a plan for next time - eg would he be expected to cancel?

or

How you will structure the day if all are at home? Eg set expectations and activities, a takeaway or ready to eat/heat up food.

or

If any of the DC would be able to go to friends or family or if someone could come over.

I assumed she was talking about laundry…just because she said she’d been ill all week. Having said that, my mother was a bad asthmatic and we done laundry etc from when we were 12…

What illness is it? Flare ups every few weeks doesn’t sound good, can you speak to your specialist about different drugs to help control? I say this as I have psoriatic arthritis and on my 3rd drug which actually helps limit flare ups now
Also talk to your DH as he may need clear guidance as to how he can help

What are the flares? It was only the afternoon. All the children are primary and secondary school aged so why didn’t they tidy up? You can do the laundry on another day. Why aren’t you setting alarms for your medication if you forget to take them?

It's hard to say. Personally i am poor at reading between the lines (nd) and nothing frustrates me more than the expectation of picking up on hints - if you want or need something from.someone you need to be an adult and communicate that at the time. Watching someone get ready and go out and not asking them.to stay, then being hurt they didnt guess what you needed is irritating imo. I suppose it also depends on how often this happens and impacts his plans. I have an illness that flares up - but in a flare up theres not much anyone can do, unless i am bedridden i wouldnt ask.someine to stay at home but i might ask them to.sort lunch. You need to ask though imo so yabu for not just talking to him.

Why not? Rosacea -arthritis "flare up" 1 more painful than t'other.

What on earth has OP said to justify some of the catty responses on here to a stressed unwell mother?! OP doesn’t sound like someone playing a victim at all. She sounds insightful and well aware that she could have communicated better, but rightfully hurt at how things panned out and stressed at the situation she’s been left in - I would be too. She’s mentioned this flare is worse than usual and today is her worst day. Nothing has been mentioned of her DH constantly missing plans or putting his own life on hold - that’s total projection from posters on here and frankly feels shockingly ableist.

As I said if only these suggestions was so easy to stop a flare. Medication doesn’t always work🙄

But in this case OP hasn’t said she’s lost response to her medication (which is a whole other kettle of fish); she said she was distracted and forgot i.e. she would have taken it if she remembered. OP has also included missing her medication in the list of things that were attributing to making her feel worse therefore it’s a fair assumption that her medication does actually help her since she lumped it into that category.

Also not all medications equal flare prevention either, quite often some is specifically for flare management. For example, one of my conditions is rheumatoid arthritis for which I’m on biologics but even so, my condition will often flare up at this time of year due to the cold weather and I have pain medication to help me manage that. Some days when things are particularly bad, if I don’t take my pain medication correctly then I can end up immobile from the pain and that would be on me and something I could have prevented; if that then resulted in me needing someone else to cancel their plans then I think it’s fair enough that it’s questioned.

Now OP hasn’t given any specifics therefore we have no idea how much of an impact missing her medication had on her (if any) but I don’t think it’s unreasonable for posters to at least ask the question given the lack of information.

Also there’s no need to be flippant or condescending with your eye roll emojis, a lot of us are in the same boat as the OP (ask me why I’m awake at this time) and know damn well that preventing flare ups isn’t “so easy” BUT that doesn’t mean there aren’t things within our power to at least help give us the best shot of being as comfortable as possible - like taking our medications correctly. Yes medications don’t always work (I’ve failed on several) but not taking them at all guarantees their effectiveness is 0%.

Now just to be clear, I have every sympathy for the OP as I think everyone with a chronic illness has been where she is (even from tiredness / brain fog alone if not pain) and I can understand how missing medication can happen but I actually think it’s important to give someone a kick up the backside about it because as women and mothers and partners, we often prioritise everyone else before ourselves and when you have so little energy and not much left in the tank, it’s very easy to give what you have left and neglect yourself; I actually think it’s useful to have someone say oi don’t do that.