To he upset he still went out when I’m in a flare?

[JuniorJester]

Hi this is my first post so sorry if i do it wrong.

I’m chronically ill and currently in a flare. Like one of the bad ones where even standing up feels like too much. I’ve been like this all week but today has just tipped me over. I’m exhausted and in pain and just really worn down.

We’ve got several kids and they’re all home today. No family nearby and we’re pretty skint so it’s just me most of the time. Partner knew I was bad today, I said it this morning and again around lunch when i couldnt even eat properly.

He had plans to go out this afternoon. Not work just seeing friends. I sort of assumed he’d cancel or at least ask how i was managing but he didnt. He got ready and left like normal. I didnt say dont go because i didnt want to be controlling but honestly i felt awful when the door shut.

Since then i’ve been trying to keep everything together and its just been one thing after another. I know this might sound silly written down but this is how my day has gone so far and i dont want to forget anything:

kids arguing
missed meds because i was distracted
couldnt stand long enough to cook properly
washing piling up
one kid crying over nothing
pain getting worse
house a mess and making me feel worse

I know he’s allowed a life and i dont want him trapped at home because of me. But at the same time I feel really hurt that he saw how bad i was and still went out anyway. It feels like I dont matter in that moment or that I’m expected to just cope no matter what.

Now I’m sat here wondering if I’m being unreasonable and overreacting because technically he didnt do anything wrong. It just feels like he chose himself when I was struggling.

So AIBU to feel upset about this or is this just part of being ill and having to get on with it?

OP wasn't left alone with toddlers or a baby - her oldest is 12 and her youngest is 5 - it's not like they need constant supervision or active parenting. Stick a film on, get some toys out and ask the oldest to order a takeaway or chuck something in the oven.

Why? It’s going to be autoimmune / inflammatory or similar.

Living with someone with chronic health problems IS hard.

I know, I have them!

Say what you mean, mean what you say - do not leave people to guess, do not hint, it doesn't make you less of a burden, it makes you fucking annoying, and fucking resentful, neither of which is good for a relationship.

You could have asked him not to go. You could have asked him to prep some cold food you could just put out.

I get that you do not want to endlessly moan on about how awful you feel, but you shouldn't have to do that and have gone too far the other way, in a way that isn't actually constructive to anyone in your family, let alone you.

Communication IS key.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable with your expectations.
If you are ill you can't cook today. But you could do sandwiches. Completely fine.
You can't do the washing. You can't tidy up. But your partner can do all of those things tomorrow and still see his friends today.
And the kids are always going to argue.and cry over nothing.
And missing your meds is completely on you.
It was always going to be a shit day if you were having a flare up. But you got through it . Sometimes your partner has to take what he needs for himself..It doesn't sound like he does this every time.

Maybe you need to plan a bit so he can have a life when you have a flare up?Can you teach the oldest 2 to make a simple pasta? Or batch cook when you are feeling better and freeze? Can you have 1 room to retreat into which is always tidy?

I would imagine that being married to someone who is chronically ill might be quite draining, and that having these bimonthly trips to see his friends might be restorative?

How long have you been together and are you able to communicate directly? I would have just asked for what I needed?

Given how many men are incapable of looking for and finding something in a drawer that’s right under their nose (I call it “having a man look”), I’m honestly amazed at the number of women who expect their husband/partner to read their mind and instinctively know what they want/need.

I love my DH and he’s generally pretty good but can equally be a bit “blind” to certain domestic tasks. However, I know if I need him to do something all I have to do is ask/tell him, clearly and concisely, and it will be done.

Next time, speak to him.

You need backup with 4 kids regardless of the chronic illness! Friends, grandparents, neighbours, anyone who could come round and help if your husband is at work or out.

Why?

yes, is it something you take medication for? For example, something like rheumatoid arthritis or similar? If so, and you are flaring every few weeks and the flares are getting more painful, your rheumatology team may need to look at your treatment as it's obviously not working for you.

This is it…everyone’s too frightened to say it.

If he had gone out first thing this morning and wasn’t going to return until well after dark, then I would get your point. Or if your kids were a few years younger.

But it sounds like he went out for just a few hours. It doesn’t sound like he expects you to do the washing, tidy the house or make a three course meal. The kids are arguing because that’s what kids do - they’d be arguing even if he was home. You say he’s usually good.

Do you both work?

Yabu.

😳😳😳😳

that’s what you took from this???

@mellicauli makes a suggestion of batch cooking, and I know it’s a bit of a MN cliché, but it’s really a good idea.

When I’m feeling well I batch cook meals for the freezer that both OH and I can eat, that are easy to reheat. He really likes my cooking so it’s also a ‘thanks for looking after me’ gesture.

I learned on here you can freeze sandwiches too. I also bought a couple of thermos flasks so that if OH is out, and I’m in a flare, he can leave me hot soup or something.

It’s all part of our ‘flare plan’.

Yeah, this. If you're chronically ill, I would assume that you (like many of us) are bloody brilliant at masking it, and putting on a brave face, mostly so the kids don't have to see you in pain. If this is the case, you may have fooled him enough to make him think you were okay again.

You're an adult. If you need him to stay, ask him to stay. You can't expect him to miraculously know exactly what you need. Talk to each other!

Sounds like you had a shit day OP I'm so sorry to hear it. Regarding you waiting for him to notice then sitting with resentment rather than voicing your needs- this might sound bizarre but there is an evidence- based link between suppressing emotions and autoimmune disorders. I wonder if you learned to suppress your needs and feelings in childhood? Getting assertive with your partner won't be a cure of course- I'm not trying to suggest anything like that- but it might help you cope better with flares if you can insist your needs are met when this happens.

Sometimes when you are ill, it messes with your brain and makes it that much harder to articulate that you need help or to realise that you have to emphasise it. OP says she doesn't want to come across as controling and she was trying to be considerate but at the same time hoping he would realise she needed help.

she did tell him twice that it was bad but often its not something that is visible I guess so he wasn't paying attention or wasn't listening.

Especially if you are trying to get through to the type of person who believes everyone should just soldier on... and you are not spouting blood, but feeling dizzy and unwell.

There was some great advice OP further up the thread about making a plan for these flare ups and presumably people do this because it is really hard as I said before to articulate it, advocate for yourself and think ahead when you are feeling so unwell. But when things have calmed down, explain to him what's required... so if you are having a flare and he wants to go out that's ok if he organises the kids to make sandwiches or whatever and checks in.

I do hope you are feeling better and are not worrying too much about not thinking he is a mind reader etc.... He's been around for a while and should have picked up on your hints. but explaining it again when things are calm might help. I hope you have a relaxing night and feel better tomorrow xxx

At these ages of kids, I think it was fair enough of him to go meet friends in the afternoon as long as he helped out on the morning with them/housework and made lunch before he left.
sorry you’re feeling bad x

He didn't leave them with no food...
2 of the kids are old enough to make sandwiches etc themselves and OP managed to make dinner, albeit somewhat difficult for her.

I would think that because she has "regular flare ups" that he probably didn't realise that this particular one was any worse than any other day. Man or woman aside, if the OP felt she wasn't capable or fit enough to look after the children she should have said.

Take a look at the Karpman Drama Triangle OP. It may sound harsh at first but at the moment it sounds like you're playing the role of the victim (we all take on this role from time to time, some more than others) and your husband, the role of the rescuer. Once you've got your head around it, take a look at The Empowerment Dynamic (TED). It may help you find a way of taking control of your situation in a more positive and productive way.

It's shit @JuniorJester but it's happened now and I think you should take this as a learning experience!

Tell him tomorrow that you had a tough day and probably could have done with him at home. It'll put him on notice.

If this happens again where you are ill and husband has plans (social, work, whatever) maybe you need to come up with a plan: tell him, hey I'm not feeling my best, I know you are heading out but can you a) make sure there is food made I can just heat up for the kids dinner? b) keep an eye on your phone, if it gets too much I'll send you an SOS to come home

Kids argue and cry everyday whether you are ill or not unfortunately.

I think it’s a huge ask of someone to be an unpaid carer. Even if it’s not all the time. You’re essentially asking them to put their life on hold to look after you. Yes it’s awful for the affected person but I think (not necessarily the OP) that many unwell people can completely forget this. Or feel a bit…entitled to it. It’s not to be taken for granted.

My husband goes out about once every three months. I’d literally have to be unable to lift my head before I’d ask him not to go. And he is not my carer.

Seems pretty sensible to me

She wasn't expecting him to care for her. She was expecting him to care for his own kids when their other parent was so unwell she could barely stand.

OP the fact it didn't occur to him is scary, tbh. You're wondering if it's okay is equally so.

I have chronic health conditions too. My husband steps up. And doesn't expect a round of applause for it, either.