Ex doesn’t want our child more than every other weekend!

[SassyCrab]

Me and my ex broke up 3 months ago and he has said he can only have our child every other weekend which is usually a 7pm pick up Friday and late drop off Sunday. But I’m just find it overwhelming at the minute doing everything by myself accept 4 times in a month, when I try to have an adult conversation about it he will just say “this is what you wanted so you will have to suck it up” and that “he still needs a life” it’s not fair that our child only sees his dad every 2 weeks for a short space of time. I understand he works 5 days a week and his hours are long but something needs to be done as I’m doing absolutely everything why he basically lives his life as he wants. If I took this further with court, I’m not asking 50:50 I just want more than 4 times in a month! Would they honour more time or take it as he still doing something?

I honestly think if many women were more honest and financially stable they wouldn’t want kids more than 50/50 either.

single parenting is hard work and if they could trust their exes they would happily take the 50/50

there is much more shame attached to women who do eow than men who do eow

How useful was he when you were together with your child?

The less overnights he has, the more child support he has to pay. I know that's not the point of your post, but unfortunately, this situation is not unusual with dads.

My friend is fostering a child who was taken away from mum by SS. The dad is around and sees child once a month, but won’t have him full time. No charges being brought to either parent. Mum has since had another child.

I could have written a lot of this, although my kids are younger

You'll need to use some of the child support for babysitting, so you get a break yourself.

This is too simplistic.

what were the circumstances of pregnancy did they raise objections. Did they use failed protection. Did they know about the pregnancy. Were they cheating/ONS/relationship

did they encourage them thenabscond - this is the only scenario which could really incur penalty as it implies informed consent to pregnancy. Rather than a byproduct

adding criminal liability is it realistic sorry. As then adds legal burdens to women upon pregnancy. If a man incurs legal liability upon birth then he should have the option to absolve legal responsibility prior to birth as well as a legal responsibility on pregnant women to notify within the abortion window.

as well as legal responsibility for BC from both parties.

fwb or sex outside of a relationship would imply automatic nonconsent to parenthood and thus auto-opt out of parental responsibility etc etc. it’s a minefield

OP has said the child does 3 full days a week at nursery but hasn't said whether she works.

Frankly when my ExH had our children EOW he mentally abused them and they took a lot of settling down in the interim 12 days in order to feel secure. It was in practical terms easier when he moved away and only wpuld see them 2-3 times a year. It ruined my career which had required long hours and foreign travel, and has had permanent and serious financial impact.

Roll on many years and my young adult children see him and care for him but they don’t trust him. They never rely on him for anything. They and I however are very close. I did all the parenting, it was not my choice, but it was worth it. His loss.

Pretty sure upthread she said she works three days a week, presumably on the days her child is in nursery.

She works 3 days

OP should not think herself “lucky” because her ex is a grade 6 shitbag whilst your ex is a grade 10 shitbag.

Yes, she said that she worked.

It is really hard. Gruelling is a good description. I’m 5 years solo parenting now and have two children, a dog, a full time job and a business. There is no down time. You just have to keep going. But we do. Ww create warm, loving, stable and calm homes for out children. We give them everything they need and that’s all we can do. Surround them in love and role model to them what being a loving parent looks like. It’s hard but not impossible

There is only a legal duty if the parent takes that on. If the parent gave the child up to the care system that would be that.

This isn't what family court is for.

I am a social worker and I provide that 'significant pressure' fairly regularly- not because the mother has died but usually when the relationship has broken down irretrievably and the mother can't cope or refuses to have the child back. I assure you if they politely decline to parent their child they can't and won't be forced to. Powers of persuasion only go so far. If a parent already doesn't really give a shit about their child then the only leverage you might have, their love and care for their child, is missing. How do you think you persuade a man who's never bothered with their kid to start bothering?

You would end up doing it because the alternative would be what? Refusing to pick your kid up from school and leaving them there? That's just not how life works is it? You do it because the alternative is the child suffers. I don't know how you think a scenario where both parents 'refuse' to care for their child works. Authorities wouldn't get involved unless you hit the threshold for significant harm or criminal neglect. You would just have to work it out between you. Last one to blink I guess.

Well no, because most people don't want their kids in care 🙄
I assure you when both parents refuse to parent their children they do end up in care. It's not common by any means but it happens.

This goes for both sides though.
Both mothers and fathers/primary carers and the one who is only allowed them every second weekend.
No one thinks of the kids and focus more on the unfairness to them, the ADULT PARENTS regardless which side they are.

Could his extended family (grandparents, other relatives) have him once a month even if Dad is only twice a month?
He sounds really mean and it does seem unfair but it's also why some people stay in relationships they are not happy with due to childcare and finances...
At least you are no longer in a relationship with him!

Thankfully @Empthy you don’t have children.

I say this - because your approach seems to be - well as long as it’s not wilful neglect, the kid will be fine under the care of a parent that has been open they have fuck all desire to care for their child and is ONLY doing it to avoids legal punishment.

It’s crap but he will lose out in the long run. Stop playing it to your ex like I need help. Start presenting as confident and happy with the situation and if it gets raised say it’s surprising you don’t want more time with your son but never mind. Don’t ask him for help /support in any way.
If he realises he’s not making you miserable he may step up more but if not you haven’t lost anything. Your dc will get easier as they get older and you will reap the benefits of a close relationship with your child.

I have no idea re the mother and what charges she faces. I believe she is in a residential mental health facility.

Even if people get charged, it doesn’t mean they aren’t doing it. Nobody can stop a parent from giving up on parenting. Another child my friend fostered previously was handed over to an aunt and uncle because parents couldn’t cope. Then aunt and uncle involved SS because they couldn’t cope/were splitting up.

You seem intent to insist that carry everyone who leaves the lions' share of the care of their kids to someone else is an inevitable criminal and nothing can be done. I can't stop you.

It's not the reality, most people are affected by deterrents, when they exist. But when people face no consequences - supported by you society - many people are happy to let other people pick up the slack for them.

Just because there are few consequences now, doesn't mean there shouldn't be. Raise your standards.

I'll leave you to it.