Ex doesn’t want our child more than every other weekend!

[SassyCrab]

Me and my ex broke up 3 months ago and he has said he can only have our child every other weekend which is usually a 7pm pick up Friday and late drop off Sunday. But I’m just find it overwhelming at the minute doing everything by myself accept 4 times in a month, when I try to have an adult conversation about it he will just say “this is what you wanted so you will have to suck it up” and that “he still needs a life” it’s not fair that our child only sees his dad every 2 weeks for a short space of time. I understand he works 5 days a week and his hours are long but something needs to be done as I’m doing absolutely everything why he basically lives his life as he wants. If I took this further with court, I’m not asking 50:50 I just want more than 4 times in a month! Would they honour more time or take it as he still doing something?

Agreed. My ex is an EOW dad and frankly I wouldn’t want him to have them more as he veers between low-key neglect (leaving them on devices all day) and weird competitive Disney Dad behaviour (eg if the kids mention I am planning to take them to do a specific activity in a couple of weeks, he will take them to do that activity right away to spite me).

My kids are tweens now and they see him for exactly who he is and have an okay relationship but also somewhat eye-rolly attitude to him as they can clearly see the difference between the level of effort he puts in and the level of effort I do.

I feel nothing but sorry for him these days as I have built a beautiful relationship with my kids and know he is missing out on so much richness. Yes, the early years can be hard at times when they need much more hands-on care, but if you can reframe being the primary parent as a privilege not a burden (so your kids don’t feel your resentment), the rewards down the road are enormous.

To think what? It's pure logic! If you can't understand that that not my problem.

If 2 parents stand in court and say they only each want to have the child 4 days a fortnight, what do you think the outcome would be? Please do share your answer, I'm dying to hear it.

'Cannot' and 'don't want to' are entirely different things.

You cannot simply surrender your children to social services because you can't be arsed. Or people would be dropping off their kids left right and centre.

Actually I’m dying to hear your answer. Can you pease outline the mechanism by which someone will be “forced” to care for their child more than they decide to?

I let him make the choice on what day he wants to do but he said he will just pick a day when he fancies basically, so nothing set in stone, if he feels like seeing him then he will on the weekend that isn’t his. He can’t do during the week as sometimes he doesn’t get home until 8pm and DS is in bed by then, but it’s just unfair he can have his career do what he wants (he’s on holiday right now) and I’m restricted to a weekend which on the Friday he picks him up late! I’m going away in March for “weekend” but I had to do Saturday morning until Sunday as Fridays are unpredictable with him picking him up.

On what do you base that opinion? Because mine is based on what a social worker told me.

I mean what can you do.. if he is that much of a shit, your child is better off without him in their lives! Let go of your own ideals because he is a terrible dad and I don’t think chasing him to step up will bring any benefit to you; and actually I wouldn’t want to show my child that as an example- better to let him sink his own ship with his lack of effort and he is one who loses his relationship with his child!

Think yourself lucky. My sons 7 and his dad is supposed to see him every Saturday for 5-6 hours but he's never managed more than 1-3 hours once or twice a month. Let's the poor kid down all the time.. I've not had a night off for 7 years and my son has adhd. His new gf is now trying to make him see his son every other weekend so they can get every other weekend to themselves because he needs time for him (lol) which means he quite likely won't turn up more than once a month now. Tbf kids are better off without men like that about

Not unusual, he is a selfish pig. I have seen this happen many times before, a lot of times they don’t bother at all or offer maintenance without a court order.
Id like to think my DH would not do this but I have seen men who I thought were good fathers turn into cruel bastards after a breakdown in the relationship.

How are people usually forced to do things they can't be arsed to do? Legal, social and financial consequences.

People are forced to pay tax, drive the speed limit, have insurance etc- nobody WANTS to do those things but lo and behold most people manage to do them given the right incentive.

You're being disingenuous and deliberately obtuse by suggesting that most men will immediately resort to deliberate neglect and harm in order to get out of parenting. It's hyperbole and it's not realistic.

Now then, What's your answer? Do you have one? Are there social workers stationed in every court room to quietly take Jimmy and Jane away as soon as you say, actually I'd rather not?

That they'd take them because you decide you'd rather have lie ins and a child-free life? Of course they did.

Okay, so the mechanism by which people are, for example, forced to pay tax is the unpaid tax is deducted at source from their employer-paid salary or their benefits.

Please explain the mechanism by which a parent will be forced to care for a child they don’t want to care for.

Op do you work? If the child is in childcare 3 full days and he's away at Dad's twice a fortnight that's 8 out of 14 days. I'm not saying you should be fine with that, but simply that if you aren't perhaps you need to speak to your GP or a, health visitor etc. There's no shame in struggling, as long as you get some support so you or the child aren't suffering

But people do exactly that.

Ask anyone who works in that area of SW.

My sister is currently fostering a child whose single mother dropped her off at school and then went abroad on holiday.

So, you agree with me then? - legal, social and financial consequences, just like the one you mentioned. The consequences for not taking care of your responsibilities should be much, much more severe that taking tax through your employer though - and if you don't want to look after your child and are prepared to take those consequences instead, that's your choice. Most people do the thing they don't want to given the right consequences for failing to do it.

But currently there are no consequences for men who do that - because women and society pick up the slack for them, and people like yourself perpetuate the narrative that men shouldn't be made to do anything they don't want to.

You still haven't given an answer I note. Not social workers at every turn, no? I'll go ahead and assume you don't have any more to say.

I would be stunned to know that that mother isn't facing any charges on that count. I'm sure you'll tell me she isn't and is just carrying on her life completely free and easy and that anyone can do the same, but unfortunately I won't believe you.

Again, other than what you are simply imagining, on what are you basing your opinion that reluctant parents would be somehow forced to have their children?

What want up would you want op?

weekdays aren’t possible he’s in work until 8pm. So what should he be in doing?

1. Every weekend?

2. pop over in the morning before work to get your child ready and drop off? But that would be in your house. Would that be an option?

3. could he finish earlier once every week or 2 weeks on maybe a Wednesday to have his child overnight? Or could he come and do bedtime in your house

2 and 3 May be upsetting for for you allowing him in your house and maybe not sustainable. Also don’t know about distance between the homes or the school

Good grief. Off you pop then and take your kid to social services in the morning. Explain you just don't want to look after them. You report back.

I note you haven’t answered my question either, lol, so here goes.

Every consequence you suggest that would “force” a lazy parent to step up would impact the child negatively just as much as the person you are supposedly punishing, without guaranteeing quality care for the child. That is why such measures don’t exist. As long as the child has one parent prepared to step up (as decent parents will do), the outcome is better for the child. If both parents refuse to parent the child, yes, social services get involved.

Please explain exactly how fines (which many people don’t pay anyway) or the threat (or reality) of jail time is going to result in a better outcome for the child? The court system exists to protect the best interests of the child, not to ensure “fair” distribution of parenting hours.

Obviously whatever charges she might potentially face in no way “forced” her to actually take care of her own child though. So how would that be an example of the threat of punishment being a deterrent?

No, a court will not enforce that he does more than he says he will.

They will apportion child maintenance amounts depending on how much or how little time he gives, so if he is only willing to do a small amount they will ask him to pay more maintenance. But it also depends on other things like his income and enforcing that he pays is another matter and notoriously problematic.

How many parents in broken relationships care about the child over caring more about fighting the ex? And parents say they want children

My ex always threw the “well it’s what you wanted” card at me. Yes I left him but he spent years financially and mentally abusing me.

My dc are grown up now but youngest is severely autistic and does still spend a day a week with him…….this hasn’t changed since he moved out. He would never have them more than one day a week, never over night, never for a weekend and rarely any extra days in the school holidays. It’s been really hard work, especially with dd2 being severely autistic and needing 24/7 care. After a while I stopped asking him for more help because he would just say “well you wanted to do it alone, you kicked me out” or he would tell me he couldn’t cope with having dd2 over night or he couldn’t get any time off work.

Sadly there’s nothing you can do to make him see his dc more. All I can say is “one day your dc will see that he didn’t put the effort in, and when they are old enough, they won’t put the effort into see him either”.

Agree. Yes, my ex, for example, should equally share responsibility for the children he freely chose to have but I know that trying to force that on him will only result in stress, resentment and worse care for the children than if they are with me.

At a basic level it is much better for my kids to be with me the majority of the time than with a poorly engaged dad 50/50.

Personally I feel that the intrinsic rewards of a deeper relationship with my kids is far more valuable than the cost to me in extra money, effort and time, but not all parents see it that way.