Ex doesn’t want our child more than every other weekend!

[SassyCrab]

Me and my ex broke up 3 months ago and he has said he can only have our child every other weekend which is usually a 7pm pick up Friday and late drop off Sunday. But I’m just find it overwhelming at the minute doing everything by myself accept 4 times in a month, when I try to have an adult conversation about it he will just say “this is what you wanted so you will have to suck it up” and that “he still needs a life” it’s not fair that our child only sees his dad every 2 weeks for a short space of time. I understand he works 5 days a week and his hours are long but something needs to be done as I’m doing absolutely everything why he basically lives his life as he wants. If I took this further with court, I’m not asking 50:50 I just want more than 4 times in a month! Would they honour more time or take it as he still doing something?

Yep

honestly, I really don’t think you’re the brightest spark

I am a single mother. My ex sees the children EOW. He pays the appropriate CM.

He doesn’t want to have the children more. No way am I forcing anyone to have my children if they don’t want to have them. Why? Because ultimately it my CHILDREN that suffer being with someone who has openly said - nope, don’t want to care more for my child but ONLY because of the threat of legal sanctions - I will have them.

Unfortunately many men want kids but not if they have to parent. What was he like before the split? Did he share parenting equally? Did he actively want the child?

You say he’s not a bad dad but actually he is. He’s a terrible one. He is neglecting his child. That he takes him to the park and plays with him when he sees him does not make him a good parent. I do similar with my nieces and nephews. He would be a good uncle or a good godfather.

He’s not a good dad.

But sadly you cannot force somebody to parent their child. At all. But I get how frustrating this is for you. Even if the courts tried to insist on it it would be unenforceable and likely be to the detriment of the child.

I don’t think men should be allowed to walk away from a child that they chose to bring into the world. I don't know what the answer to that is, but yes; the punitive part of my nature thinks they should be penalised, and why not a cheeky bit of jail time? Might make them think differently about having more children unless they’re serious about it.

But, just like you, I don’t encourage my child to be anywhere that they’re not welcome. So I pick up the slack for my exDP’s shit parenting, and I’m happy to do that, because I love my child and I know that it’s not forever.

Whilst others have referred to 50/50, that’s not what I personally meant. My ex sees our DC for 48 hours a month. I think that’s crap enough to warrant some kind of penalty.

It’s nuanced. I don’t have the answers. I hope that answers your question.

Look at it this way: you put disproportionate hard yards now, you get disproportionate benefit through your whole life.

He will experience the opposite.

Ask for a decent amount of CM that reflects your time as well as material needs.

I get one weekend in six 🙆

If there was a punishment for admitting to not wanting to have anything to do with your child, may men would pretend otherwise.

So the child would be thrust upon them.

who suffers most? The child!!

Can you claim enough CMS to make it work for you to put your son in nursery 4 days a week so you get one day a week guaranteed break?

I wouldn’t send my children to someone who didn’t want them. I think EOW is enough time with this loser.

Why would you think you're correct? Do you think that generally?

If I had kids and I said I didn't want to care for them more than 4 days a week, and their father said the same - you can guarantee that someone would be FORCED to do it.

I agree, and I protect my child from that suffering. Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like to see my ex breaking rocks somewhere. Maybe in ankle chains, picking litter on the side of the road. 😉

There is a legal duty for both parents to care for their children - parental rights come with parental responsibilities. The dad would be more than contacted - there would be significant pressure brought to bear and yes if he absolutely wouldn’t they’d look for a kinship placement. Taking a child into care is an option of last resort, there aren’t placement for kids who need them due to abuse and neglect much less a child who has a capable parent who can’t be arsed.

This is a good post and the way I try to look at things now also.

My ex has never-
played the tooth fairy
been the one ds2 asked school to ring when he had a head injury
remembered their teachers or friends names
received compliments about their behaviour from school and friends
been the one they instinctively reach for

He is a bad person. Society does a horrible job of letting these men get away with barely being parents. The natural response to finding out how little a man sees his children should make acquaintances, friends, and family completely reevaluate their opinion of the man. Yet some still give him credit for being involved at all.

the law also doesn’t reflect the huge economic impact the parenting split has on mothers. These men are free to work without worrying about childcare or school runs. It is harder for the primary parent to earn.

Ok so you don’t think there should be a legal punishment imposed on a parent for admitting they do not wish to have anything to do with their child.

phew!

You don’t have kids
You live in cloud cuckoo land to think this

I have had this set up for 6 years (my child is 9). It is rubbish that all the parenting admin falls to you (my ex does the fun stuff at weekends), but as others have said you do get into your groove and find a way to make it work. I decided to move away from my ex to be closer to family and my parents do a lot which works out well. The advantage of the 'every other weekend' is that your childs main home remains yours, rather than them feeling split between two homes. Personally i love the set up, but my DC is older npw

So are you at work the 3 days he's at nursery?

What are your ex work hours like as you said he works long hours?

Be grateful. I wish I could have my kids more than 50:50.

relish the fact your home will be their primary/only home, your relationship stronger for being together more and not having to share them. You will be their main influence and decision maker.

you can’t make someone else parent

I'd guarantee no such thing because you're simply wrong. If both parents said that they cannot care for their children then neither of them would be legally forced to do so. Instead, the children would be placed in the wider family or taken in to care.

You don't get put in jail for being unwilling/unable to look after your children, only for outright abuse and criminal neglect which has a high bar.

Exactly this. My ex didn’t watch DC in the school play where they had the starring role. Nor did they listen to their conversations on the way home from school, take them on their first holiday, laugh with them at their favourite TV shows. I’m the winner.

Mine did same. Never paid proper maintenance. Built a career with no childcare. Piece of shit.

Did you ask him to have him an extra Sunday or an extra day (any day)? I can see why he said no to an extra Sunday, he’d be having him 3 out of the 4 weekend days in a fortnight and if he works 5 weekdays a week then it’s fair you both have a whole weekend with DC each and then a weekend each by yourselves. What’s not fair is him not seeing his DC at all the rest of the time, could he have DC one weekday night each week for example?

If they are incapable, no. If it's willful neglect, or deliberate harm then yeah, there are laws against that.