Ex doesn’t want our child more than every other weekend!

[SassyCrab]

Me and my ex broke up 3 months ago and he has said he can only have our child every other weekend which is usually a 7pm pick up Friday and late drop off Sunday. But I’m just find it overwhelming at the minute doing everything by myself accept 4 times in a month, when I try to have an adult conversation about it he will just say “this is what you wanted so you will have to suck it up” and that “he still needs a life” it’s not fair that our child only sees his dad every 2 weeks for a short space of time. I understand he works 5 days a week and his hours are long but something needs to be done as I’m doing absolutely everything why he basically lives his life as he wants. If I took this further with court, I’m not asking 50:50 I just want more than 4 times in a month! Would they honour more time or take it as he still doing something?

Thanks for confirming that you're just making stuff up based on nothing.

Honestly @kn just ignore @Empthy . Genuinely seems to struggle

@SassyCrab

stop trying to convince yourself he’s a good dad

he is refusing to see his child just to SPITE you.

Trust me I have more hatred for the man than anyone, I wouldn’t be saying he’s a good dad if he genuinely wasn’t! But people saying “why would you want him around your child at all” because I can trust he looks after my child when he has him, if I didn’t trust me he wouldn’t see him anymore!

Again

He’s prioritising SPITING you over seeing his son.

On no planet would this be regarded as a GOOD father.

There is a spectrum of parenting quality. I would file the dad here under “not great but adequate”

He CBA to arrange his work around his childcare, but he does perfectly fine when
actually with the kid. He has that in common with plenty of still-partnered dads we hear about on MN who have to be pushed and cajoled into taking turns at the weekends or into doing a day WFH to cover just one nursery run when the mum does the other four.

Should still-partnered MNers accept that from their co parents and stop trying to push them
for a roughly equal amount of time to themselves?

He meets his child’s physical needs

but when push comes to shove - he prioritise spiting his ex over his child, and that speaks volumes about his fathering

I think this would be a normal amount of time for most dads. Mums normally would get the majority of time, which is great. Be grateful he doesn’t want equal and you lose your child for half the time. The same amount of every other weekend, was agreed in court for my divorce. People saying what about the mothers needing time alone - don’t have children then. I’ve been full time mum for months when he worked abroad, embrace it! Yes stressful at times but it gets easier.

I feel for you OP especially as you have a little one. Unfortunately these men do it because they know most mothers pick up the slack despite the toll on themselves. He is using it as a way to punish you for splitting up. Obviously don't know your reasons but it's power and control that men use. Unfortunately as others have said you can't force him to do more, the "system" just looks at are they making a financial contribution and even then it's ridiculously flawed in their favour.
However not all women do pick up the slack. Some don't feel that biological and nuturing pull to prioritise the kids. In this situation the result is the father HAS to step up if they are truly a good parent. If not the child suffers, social care may be involved, worst case child taken into care.
I also hate to add that when/if your ex gets a new partner the situation may get even worse. Some women are AWFUL at being understanding about previous kids, wanting to pretend they don't exist, begrudge any financial support etc.
I'm not saying any of this is right OP and I understand you feeling exhausted and overwhelmed but it's not unusual unfortunately. It's definitely not fair though.

OP states that he plays with him as well as feeding and clothing etc. So sounds like he is doing a fair job when with the child.

But (and sorry if I am speaking out of turn, OP) - OP also doesn’t want to have her son as much as she has to do so. I am sure she sets this aside as much as she can when she is with him. But - emotionally - that seems to me quite similar to the dad. I have certainly counted down the hours with a toddler from time to time and thrust him into Dad’s hands the second Dad was home.

It's just that society/patriarchy allows men (NAMALT) to put that care on the mother after separation, far more than it does vice versa. The dad here KNOWS the mum won’t do what he is doing, so he gets carte blanche.

Nothing, absolutely nothing, will make me think a man who chooses not to see his son just to spite his ex is a Good Dad (or in fact a good person).

Nothing

Adequate, not good.

But we aren’t going to agree. So I won’t address you again on this.

Maybe would’ve phrased slightly differently, it’s more I’m finding the toddler stage very challenging/overwhelming and since his dads left I find he misbehaves a lot more for me & being completely honest I’m struggling to find that bond that we once had when he was 1 and younger. I do need support, but you find that you don’t want to reach out due to scare of SS etc. That aside, I just feel like with that extra support from his dad I would be less stressed etc and a better parent than I feel like I am right now. I see someone on the thread said I don’t see him 8/14 days because I work, I don’t think that counts at all. I still have to wake up at 6am rush to get us both ready, drop him off, drive 1.5 hours to work do a whole day, drive home, get him from nursery, meet all his needs etc. It’s not like I’m saying I want to go 50/50, it’s just an extra day in the week that he doesn’t seem him at all

OP - if I came across as at all judgey of you, I did not mean to. I think you are doing very well. I am judging your ex so hard for not stepping up to the plate, though!

ETA and of course your DC being at nursery whilst you are working is not a “break”!

Perhaps choose a job that allowed him to parent, as mothers are forced to?

There was another thread recently with a mum complaining that her ex wouldn't take their DC at short notice to accommodate her shift work, and she was unanimously told to get another job.

I couldn't agree more.

This thread is a great example of how women are socialised into always being the ones who pick up the slack, allowing men to get away with it.

The peer pressure and guilt tripping is immense. "WHAT KIND OF MOTHER ARE YOU IF YOU TRY AND FORCE YOUR CHILDRENS' FATHER TO ACTUALLY PARENT?! YOU MIGHT HARM YOUR PRECIOUS BABIES AND NO LOVING MUM WOULD DO THAT!"

I will openly admit that I'm a worse parent because my ex hasn't stepped up. He has them EOW but he does zero parenting, and leaves the youngest staring at a tablet all weekend. Feeds them junk, doesn't impose bedtimes- the Mondays after his weekends the youngest is often dropping off in class and frequently hasn't had breakfast. Absolutely none of the routine parenting shit- extracurricular, new shoes, dentists etc etc etc.

Consequently I am overwhelmed, snappy and resentful due to having to parent twice as hard to make up for him and- due to the disruption of working around school pickups, extracurriculars etc- poor.

I would love to simply relax and have fun with my DC, but feeding them, cleaning, doing their basic admin, all the other parenting tasks usually get in the way and I'm usually nothing but a naggy drudge.

It’s all very well talking about what ex should do, but he’s not going to. It’s not going to help OP.

You need a plan going forward how to manage without him taking on more. I absolutely wouldn’t tell him you need him to take DS because you need a break, it’s just playing into his hands. Don’t tell him anything unless it’s positive.

I have friends who’ve split up with someone, expected them to have a personality change and be involved dads who want to take them all the time. My friends ex wanted to do all his contact in her house, basically just watching her tv.

Agree@crackofdoom - and because he is taking all the easy options of junk food and screen time, they are less open to you if you want an 'easy' day once in a while, because you care about the overall balance for your kids.

It’s all very well talking about what ex should do, but he’s not going to. It’s not going to help OP.

Personally, I think it does help OP to have posters say 'it's shit and it's outrageous and he's a crap bag and society sucks in that men barely get censured for this sort of behaviour'

This is me!

It really must be horrendously hard to just be left literally holding the baby and having to take full responsibility for housing, and everything else that comes with raising a child, knowing you are completely at the mercy of your ex, who can choose to do the absolute bare minimum.

I saw it up close with a friend 30 years ago.
She was a professional woman who decided to keep the baby when her partner of 4 years decided that he didn't want to be a father.

Her parents were appalled at her keeping the baby and withdrew all support.

I saw how hard, lonely and back breaking it was to do it alone.

She never had another relationship and did a great job raising her son.

But privately, she 100% regretted her decision to give up her young life to raise a child alone.

I certainly wouldn't want it for my daughters that's for sure.
Just too hard.

I'm so sorry OP that he is such a nasty loser.
I wish our governments could provide practical support for single parents like the OP.
Bottom line is a supported parent is a better parent, which ultimately creates a healthier child.

I can’t say I was posting to get a response from you @SheilaFentiman !

EOW is surely pretty common? If what’s my ex and I have (and I’m very happy with!), and then more over holidays. The fact children with me 80% is reflected in what he pays me

Really, all this does is show how off-base you are. If the child was removed from the home, I'm certain the dad has not just said no thanks I don't want to look after them and that was all fine and dandy. Removal is complex and serious and there are real safeguarding concerns to have placed them in foster care.

As I've explained repeatedly that is not the case with most fathers, this is not the case with most separations and it's not the case with OP - her OH is taking care of the child EOW, presumably without homicidal intent, he just doesn't want to do any more. Most men don't want to parent more because they can't be bothered, because they want to be free of responsibility and because they know they don't have to - because there are no consequences to their laziness and women almost always take it on because they DO have to.

But what doesn't happen is that lazy, self-involved but otherwise capable and law-abiding men can just ring up their local children's centre and say I don't want to parent on my days, please arrange foster care for my kids thank you so much.

You can carry on inventing bizarrely specific and extreme scenarios, or claim a social worker you know spends week in week out obligingly rehoming children who have been abandoned by their perfectly competent fathers who just don't fancy it and nobody has asked any questions - but I won't be reading any of it. Your absurdity is over for me.