AIBU to want my wife to do more of the child-related tasks as she wants a large family?

[dadtosomekids]

I know this is mostly a women’s space, but that’s kind of why I’m here: I’d really like some female perspectives. For context I’m a man, married to a woman I love. She’s genuinely a great mum and a wonderful person that I’m proud of being married to. We’ve got 2 kids, one is 4 and the other is 1.

From the very start she was clear she wanted a big family, 3-4 kids. I’ve always been more of a one-kid person. If I’m being totally honest, 2 already feels like a lot to me. Parenting is hard, and I don’t find it fulfilling in the way she does, I mostly find it exhausting, although I love my children.

That said, I love her and I wanted / want to be with her. I knew that lots of kids were basically part of the deal, so I went along with it. I don’t regret my children, I love spending time with them (but struggle when it’s full days or long stretches of solo parenting) but I also can’t pretend this was ever my dream.

I’m usually out of the house from around 8am until about 6pm for work, 5 days per week. I very rarely get time that feels properly “off”, especially at weekends because we tend to spend the weekends as a family.

My wife is a SAHM, which was always what she wanted. Her day-to-day expenses (things like clothes, coffees, dentist, general spending) are covered by her or family money or inheritance, so money isn’t really a stressor for her in the long term. The house is paid for 50/50 by us. Everything else (bills, children’s clothes, nursery, meals out as a family, holidays) are covered by me.

The thing we keep clashing over is expectations around childcare. She wants everything to be very 50/50: nights, weekends, early mornings, all of it. She also still wants a third child, possibly a fourth, whereas I really don’t. And this is where I get stuck. From her side, it’s “this is my purpose in life, I want a big family”. I get that, and I respect it. But from my side, this already feels like more than I can comfortably handle. It feels like I’m being asked to sign up for something I never really wanted, and then expected to put in exactly the same level of energy and enthusiasm as someone who does. I guess, bluntly, my thinking is this: if having 3-4 kids is something she wants far more than I do, is it unreasonable to think she should be doing more of the work that comes with that choice? Because at the moment it feels like “I want more kids, let’s do this together, but you still have to carry half, or more, of the load”.

I love my wife, I love my kids, and I want to stay with her. I’m not trying to opt out of being a parent. Im
happy to occasionally wake up with the baby or to help get everyone ready in the morning for the day. I just don’t want to pretend that this is equally my dream when it isn’t. I can’t wake up every other morning at 6am because our toddler does, or spend large chunks of the day firefighting tantrums and overtired behaviour.

So am I being unfair here? Would it be unreasonable to say that if you want another 1-2 children be prepared for your load to go up disproportionately to mine?

Would really appreciate honest thoughts

Not voting as it's a split. You are not unreasonable for not wanting more children and you need to both work through that together but you are unreasonable if you don't parent your existing children 50/50. The SAHM parent is also up at 6am and all day and doing night wake up and the rest. There isn't ample opportunity or time for rest. You should have a good weekend system that allows you both to have a lay in. And shared bedtimes too.

Some unnecessarily horrid replies on this thread, I think many PPs are projecting their own frustration with a lazy husband. OP's wife sounds like a spoilt little madam used to getting her own way.

Ooh, a passive aggressive "sweetie". How very original 🤣🤣🤣

Has she any idea how expensive having a large family becomes as they grow older, not to mention once they start at University then one, two or all of them come back to live with you.
The only people I’m aware of that have more than 2 children these days are either exceptionally wealthy or are on benefits.

You’re spot on OP.

There’s no reason to burn your kids on sleep deprivation. It’s not that hard to mind kids on little sleep, you just need to be awake. And mothers can nap during the day when their kids nap.

Whereas in the workplace - fine-tuned intellectual work that needs to be wholly accurate - that is harder on less sleep ime. And if something went wrong at home she’s not going to get fired, whereas you may - and then her mealticket expires and she may need to get a job.

If she finds SAHparenting so hard - she either needs to find a childminder or she’s not cut out for it and further kids is a bad idea.

How about the wife gets a job first and then they both do 50/50 after.

I never understand this ‘SAHM is on duty 24/7 while WOTHD works 8am-6pm five days a week and does very little else’ notion. You both work full time 8-6 on weekdays, one at home, one elsewhere. Decent people split the evenings and weekends fairly, each have time off and have family time together.

Hardly any FT jobs are going to sack someone for being a bit tired. Hard to be a surgeon or operate heavy machinery perhaps. Most workplaces are very tolerant of tired parents of young children. Which is good, given most parents of young children work.

OP knows what hard work looking after small children is - that’s why he doesn’t want to do it. There is no question that his wife is working hard at home while he works elsewhere.

Think about the kids. Like someone else said you should consider that your wife could die before they are all fully adult (more like 25 than 18 these days) and then they would need all the love, care, affection and parenting from you. This happens more than you might think.

Wife has a job. She looks after kids same hours he does his job. Or do you think her job should be 24/7 because it's unpaid??

For reference I've been on mat leave looking after a baby full time and I've been a 6 figure earner in a senior role. The latter is 10x easier than the former.

OP look, at this age the running around is well contained. When they get older and start doing sports, play dates and sleepovers you turn into a logistical manager/taxi driver. You and your wife need to look to the long term on this too. It’s not just a now issue. But there is no way you should have more kids if you don’t want them. You definitely should be doing 50/50 when you aren’t working but also carve out time for both of you as individuals. Get yourselves to counselling.

4 year old and 1 year olds will have a lot of downtime when said wife can relax. I have 3 children so have fulfilled the SAHP role( alongside working). Anybody who thinks being out of the house 8-6 in a stressful job with commute is the same as pottering around at home with 2 children, 1 of which will be in pre school is deluded hence I suspect the reason why said wife is keen to hold on to the lifestyle and extend it with more children.

Run op. Said wife will then have to get a job and start sorting her pension. Never having a job is not sustainable or good for anybody.

I’d only be doing 50/50 if I could cut the hours out of the house and stress of said job otherwise you’re being taken for a mug.

He’s not just talking about evenings and weekends though but early mornings (when he needs to get to work and she does not), and nights (when she doesn’t have to get up and earn money and can nap in the day if necessary.)

There’s really no point to SAHP if you’re not going to pick up the slack at home. She may as well get a job and share the financial burden as well as the night wakings.

Exactly this. 2 x less stressful jobs is the way to go but the wife doesn’t want this because she knows she’s got it good- for now! Good luck with her finding somebody else keen to put up with somebody else’s children plus more of his own whilst said wife does nothing to contribute to the family finances. Only when she’s reaching retirement age or even when her children are leaving home will said wife realise the life of never working comes with a big big cost.

I agree. I’ve worked all my life, but took 10 years out when the kids were small as I had a business that could contribute to the household.

It’s not as hard as his wife is making out.

It’s not though, is it? Every woman throughout history has been able to look after a baby ( except rare cases of those with substantial impairments), whereas only a minority of women could do a six figure job.

You may have found a baby boring and tiring. It may have been new and you needed to adjust and develop some basic skills and strategies. But it’s not difficult.

I amend my original line to include the implied content too: Decent people split the time outside office hours fairly and equally.

Decent dads do nights and early mornings too.

SAHMs are doing a demanding job 8-6 every weekday. One that would otherwise have to be paid for. They do not become domestic slaves, or mothers to the whole household - grown-up men included - except when manipulated into that role by weak, selfish men and the women who abet them.

How exactly couples negotiate their hours of childcare, domestic activity and time off varies of course; people play to their strengths as larks or owls, they discuss, agree. Decent people who become parents pull their weight - they don’t lose their decency in parenthood.

You said your partner is a SAHM who expects you to do the childcare 50/50 whilst you also work full time, and she wants more childrens in the future

It sounds like you are going to burn out with the current arrangement you have with your misses so I suggest that you communicate your feelings with her, sooner rather than later but do it in a way that is none defensive, talk, explain it is getting too much and suggest she take on some more of the childcare tasks you are doing because after a full day at work you just need to unwind.

She needs to pull her weight and deal with more of the childcare responsibility, suggest to her that having more kids may be possible in the future but right now you are burning out and you need her to understand.

Also your kids are young right now so in the future when they are both less dependant then more kids may be possible. Bear in mind that if you just say no to more kids right now this may lead to tension in your r/ship so it will give you some breathing space and still give her hope for more babies, which is what she wants in the future. Emphasise this, its important to her.

This way, you and your misses meet each other in the middle and create harmony and balance in your relationship as you care for your growing family.

Then your job was a particularly easy one relative to the generous salary or perhaps your baby was an exceptionally poor sleeper.
I have 4 DC and it would have been much easier to be a SAHM than combine work and family life. I always did the night wakings when on mat leave as I was breast feeding and DH was at work. Once I returned to work, we shared them. It's definitely easier to be sleep deprived when you don't need to focus and make multiple decisions with potential repercussions in a professional role.

I agree with that assesment.

I also think the OP has a better grasp on how they would both cope with a big family. It suits some but in my experience unless you can outsource it's very labour intensive, potentially chaotic and leaves you without much down time. It's not for everyone and it's sensible to recognise when you're at capacity.

I totally agree (as someone with 4 DC). It does sound as if the OP has grand parental support, which we did not, but it's still hard work even with some support.

From the very start she was clear she wanted a big family, 3-4 kids

If you promised 3 kids at the start you have to stump up 3 kids. You don't get to put conditions on or move the goalposts after its too late for her to find a guy who wants 4 kids.

If you hadn't promised then yeah, she has to have extra kids on terms you both agree to, which is she gets the bulk of the "benefit" so she does the bulk of the work.

😱You don’t have a child on the basis of a previous thought you have one based on logistics and reality as regards finances, circumstances and mental capacity to manage one.

Children aren’t a right, their needs and what is best for them trump somebody who decides they want one just because.

Imagine treating having children like youve promised someone a dessert then changed your mind 😂😂