AIBU to want my wife to do more of the child-related tasks as she wants a large family?

[dadtosomekids]

I know this is mostly a women’s space, but that’s kind of why I’m here: I’d really like some female perspectives. For context I’m a man, married to a woman I love. She’s genuinely a great mum and a wonderful person that I’m proud of being married to. We’ve got 2 kids, one is 4 and the other is 1.

From the very start she was clear she wanted a big family, 3-4 kids. I’ve always been more of a one-kid person. If I’m being totally honest, 2 already feels like a lot to me. Parenting is hard, and I don’t find it fulfilling in the way she does, I mostly find it exhausting, although I love my children.

That said, I love her and I wanted / want to be with her. I knew that lots of kids were basically part of the deal, so I went along with it. I don’t regret my children, I love spending time with them (but struggle when it’s full days or long stretches of solo parenting) but I also can’t pretend this was ever my dream.

I’m usually out of the house from around 8am until about 6pm for work, 5 days per week. I very rarely get time that feels properly “off”, especially at weekends because we tend to spend the weekends as a family.

My wife is a SAHM, which was always what she wanted. Her day-to-day expenses (things like clothes, coffees, dentist, general spending) are covered by her or family money or inheritance, so money isn’t really a stressor for her in the long term. The house is paid for 50/50 by us. Everything else (bills, children’s clothes, nursery, meals out as a family, holidays) are covered by me.

The thing we keep clashing over is expectations around childcare. She wants everything to be very 50/50: nights, weekends, early mornings, all of it. She also still wants a third child, possibly a fourth, whereas I really don’t. And this is where I get stuck. From her side, it’s “this is my purpose in life, I want a big family”. I get that, and I respect it. But from my side, this already feels like more than I can comfortably handle. It feels like I’m being asked to sign up for something I never really wanted, and then expected to put in exactly the same level of energy and enthusiasm as someone who does. I guess, bluntly, my thinking is this: if having 3-4 kids is something she wants far more than I do, is it unreasonable to think she should be doing more of the work that comes with that choice? Because at the moment it feels like “I want more kids, let’s do this together, but you still have to carry half, or more, of the load”.

I love my wife, I love my kids, and I want to stay with her. I’m not trying to opt out of being a parent. Im
happy to occasionally wake up with the baby or to help get everyone ready in the morning for the day. I just don’t want to pretend that this is equally my dream when it isn’t. I can’t wake up every other morning at 6am because our toddler does, or spend large chunks of the day firefighting tantrums and overtired behaviour.

So am I being unfair here? Would it be unreasonable to say that if you want another 1-2 children be prepared for your load to go up disproportionately to mine?

Would really appreciate honest thoughts

You evolve through marriage. Nobody can decide what they want 10,20 or 30 years time particularly as regards children and before experiencing what they’re actually like as regards finances, mental load and impact on life.

So commitment should be avoided and a lot of people are concluding that.

"I have always made it clear that I want 1 child, 2 is my absolute limit."

I missed that.

What a mess, the relationship was always going to be a catastrophe, upfront they knew they were incompatible. 😬

And had he maintained that position all would have been well. That would have been “pretty clear”.

He did not. Realising he may lose her he instead decided to pull a bait and switch by agreeing to lots of children. So no, he has not been “pretty clear” at all.

If you’re not mature enough to evolve and listen to your future partner making it clear they only wanted 1 or 2 then probably not. That’s on her though.

She told herself nothing. He told her that. He makes it quite clear in OP.

Had he said “look more than two kids is never going to happen” and she stayed it would all be on her.

But you could say the same for her side. He was clear he only wanted 1-2 kids but she loved him so went along with it.

He did not make that clear! He said he decided to go along with what she wanted. Had he refused to do that then his position would have been crystal clear and she could have acted accordingly.

”Going along with” something just to keep a relationship is a monumentally stupid thing to do.

And it seems like he still has not learned that lesson.

Well we can’t say the same for her side as we can read the OP.

And if she'd have taken that on board at the start, instead of thinking "she'll get her own way", then she could have made her choices.

You cannot think its a good idea to being 2 children into a relationship where they arent wanted by both parents surely, just to keep a promise that never even really existed?

Yes we can.

"I have always made it clear that I want 1 child, 2 is my absolute limit."

Both are quite easy to do badly. Both are very hard to do well. I'm not quite on 6 figures but not far off (and perform better than quite a few people i work with who are) and being a good parent is far harder than being a good employee.

This is ridiculous. Children are not a commodity. They are human beings in their own right. Not bargaining chips.

Any arrangement they come to will have to be a bargain. "I want more children and you will need to step up" is also a bargain.

It sounds like you need a long discussion. I’d tell your wife that you’re done at 2 and won’t be having any more dc. She’d be pretty selfish if she then decided to leave you.

It also sounds as if some separate time would be really healthy at weekends. If your wife doesn’t want time to herself, that’s her choice. There’s nothing to stop you having gym time or football time or whatever. Her being passive aggressive about it is not healthy.

Just because someone loves their kids and wants to be a sahm doesn’t mean she should be happy to do everything 24/7. Why doesn’t she deserve time to herself if you do?

I’m sure he’d love to not be the only one commuting and working so probably best to share it all.

Do not have any more children. They will know that you didn’t want them, it will drive a wedge between you and your wife, and your marriage will be over. If she can’t accept stopping at 2, and the marriage is over, at least there are not more children in the mix.

Her only financial contribution seems to be to the mortgage and her personal expenses

What of the childcare and housekeeping she provides for her husband to allow him to work full time? Does that have no financial worth?

Of course they have worth. But that wasn’t how the comment I responded to was worded. We don’t know how the household chores are divided or what support there is. And as we understand it, the financial burden of further DC would be OP’s alone

I understand that you’re desperately trying to find a compromise to what she wants, but it’s not fair on either of you.
You should only bring more children into your family if you both want them and are prepared to put the work in. You’ve been honest about where you stand and it’s for her to decide if she can live with that.
Having more children while not wanting the added responsibility for life will not end up in a happy family / marriage / sustainable life together.

Do not have more children you’re not willing to parent. You need to explain how you feel to your wife. If you go ahead resentment will build and it could destroy your marriage.

You have a combined responsibility to provide for your kids financially and emotionally and with washing/cooking/hometime etc. If you do more of the job work and she does more of the family/house work the. That’s fair. Main thing is that you both have the same amount of downtime - sofa/chilling time in the house, plus me-time however you prefer it so alone time/going out time etc.

Completely. I have four kids, 2 of whom are severely autistic. My wife and I both work and spend 100% (not 50%) of our non working time dealing with the kids and the house.

i often wonder what parents who have simpler circumstances complain about.

I am a father but I’m confident I have more of mental load and do more for my kids than most mothers who bleat about being hard done to and who moan about their lazy husbands. That said, I am also confident my wife does more than I do.

all of my comments were done without a need for a strike through/tm/etc. or mockery.

The number of children should be something both parents really want.
You should never have agreed to this, knowing she wanted at least 2 more kids than you do

I may be in the minority here, but I would say, yes, if she's the one who wants more kids she should do more of the child related stuff.

Having said that, she will only end up being resentful that you don't do more and the marriage won't be a happy one.

Perhaps you need to revisit the number of kids... just because you agreed to this before, doesn't mean it's set in stone.

The reality of having the kids and the amount of work is different.

If you continue growing the family, you will be resentful about the kid related work and the fact that your life as a couple takes a backseat with each child.

I'm speaking from the perspective of a Therapist who sees individuals and couples with these issues... and it doesn't go well. One or both are miserable and feel trapped in the marriage.