AIBU to want my wife to do more of the child-related tasks as she wants a large family?

[dadtosomekids]

I know this is mostly a women’s space, but that’s kind of why I’m here: I’d really like some female perspectives. For context I’m a man, married to a woman I love. She’s genuinely a great mum and a wonderful person that I’m proud of being married to. We’ve got 2 kids, one is 4 and the other is 1.

From the very start she was clear she wanted a big family, 3-4 kids. I’ve always been more of a one-kid person. If I’m being totally honest, 2 already feels like a lot to me. Parenting is hard, and I don’t find it fulfilling in the way she does, I mostly find it exhausting, although I love my children.

That said, I love her and I wanted / want to be with her. I knew that lots of kids were basically part of the deal, so I went along with it. I don’t regret my children, I love spending time with them (but struggle when it’s full days or long stretches of solo parenting) but I also can’t pretend this was ever my dream.

I’m usually out of the house from around 8am until about 6pm for work, 5 days per week. I very rarely get time that feels properly “off”, especially at weekends because we tend to spend the weekends as a family.

My wife is a SAHM, which was always what she wanted. Her day-to-day expenses (things like clothes, coffees, dentist, general spending) are covered by her or family money or inheritance, so money isn’t really a stressor for her in the long term. The house is paid for 50/50 by us. Everything else (bills, children’s clothes, nursery, meals out as a family, holidays) are covered by me.

The thing we keep clashing over is expectations around childcare. She wants everything to be very 50/50: nights, weekends, early mornings, all of it. She also still wants a third child, possibly a fourth, whereas I really don’t. And this is where I get stuck. From her side, it’s “this is my purpose in life, I want a big family”. I get that, and I respect it. But from my side, this already feels like more than I can comfortably handle. It feels like I’m being asked to sign up for something I never really wanted, and then expected to put in exactly the same level of energy and enthusiasm as someone who does. I guess, bluntly, my thinking is this: if having 3-4 kids is something she wants far more than I do, is it unreasonable to think she should be doing more of the work that comes with that choice? Because at the moment it feels like “I want more kids, let’s do this together, but you still have to carry half, or more, of the load”.

I love my wife, I love my kids, and I want to stay with her. I’m not trying to opt out of being a parent. Im
happy to occasionally wake up with the baby or to help get everyone ready in the morning for the day. I just don’t want to pretend that this is equally my dream when it isn’t. I can’t wake up every other morning at 6am because our toddler does, or spend large chunks of the day firefighting tantrums and overtired behaviour.

So am I being unfair here? Would it be unreasonable to say that if you want another 1-2 children be prepared for your load to go up disproportionately to mine?

Would really appreciate honest thoughts

So how can two people commit if there is scope for them to change their minds about the most significant things?

It’s called adapting to circumstances.

It’s not that demanding, I did it for 10 years.

If different couples make different choices to you that may come from a place of strength and independence.

Oh dear. We need to talk about tea and consent…

So a woman marries a man who says he wants two kids. The day after the wedding he decides he doesn't want the domestic life and he's going to collect cars instead? And she has to adapt to a life without a family? She'd be miserable. Likely he would too.

Nah. Far better for everyone to outline the life they want up front and stick to it unless you both willingly agree. (The big things, ovs, not the detail.)

But if we're gonna say the OP has the right to change his mind then yes, of course he can put any conditions on it he wants, including doing much less of the work involved.

They are your children. Any question of ‘who wanted them more’ lost its potency when you consented to the sexual intercourse that conceived them. Of course parenting should be 50/50! You cannot expect to dip in and out of doing the shitwork, pulling out the “well you wanted lots of kids” card whenever you feel tired or jaded or bored.

If you don’t want any more kids, find your backbone and tell her you’re not having any more kids - this will mean you being 100% responsible for contraception (and accepting that if a contraception failure happens, you’re still 50% responsible for that child because you chose to take the risk). Or stop sleeping with her and let her make her own decision on whether or not to stay with you. The children you already have are 50% your responsibility, and that includes all the bits that don’t spark joy.

Take a look at the marriage vows and relate that to consent!

Promising stuff when you get married is inherent to the idea.

In fact, by that logic he can stump up the extra 2 kids and then randomly say "OK, I'm not doing any more child related work." and if she grumbles then "Tea and Consent"....

Your wife sounds awful tbh and I personally would be considering whether I could stay with someone who clearly cares so little for me that she would break up a family for kids that don't and may never exist. If she leaves you of you say no to more children she may not find someone else to have more kids with and she then ruined her currents children's life for what!

I agree with others you need a vasectomy asap if you know you want no more or it highly likely she will 'accidentally' get pregnant.

Also i thought this was her dream she wants you to do the 100% work sode if things while she does 0%. How is she contributing financially to this family?

Tbh I'm not sure why either of you got married if she was upfront that she wanted 3-4 kids and you only wanted 1. That's a fundamental incompatibility and you should have both at that point realised a happy future wasn't possible. She could have went on and found a man who also wanted a big family and you could have found a nice woman who either wanted no kids or 1 at the most

Providing finances should be 50/50 too. It is the responsibility of both in today’s world. OP could cut his hours and share work 50/50. That is all I’d sign up to if the stamping of feet for another child continued.

Kids she has no intention of ever contributing to financially!

She is contributing financially. If you wanted her contribution to be more clearly in £££ then perhaps the OP could pay her for his "share" of the childcare/housework/life admin she does (50%) and she could pay that directly into the kitty but the reality is the same if he just puts it into the kitty directly.

No she pays for things for herself
and half the house by inheritance which will eventually run out unless she’s a millionaire which case she can hire a nanny and cleaner. Everything else so food, bills, cars, clothes, things the children need are paid for by him.

So if she wants 50/50 I’d be saying that goes for all the bills and work stress too. I’ll cut my hours, you get a job and we’ll split everything 50/50.

Everyone can change their mind about anything. The sticking point is whether the other person can accept that (and in some circumstances, people would be committing a crime if they didnt)

However it does sound like the op was pretty clear he wasn't keen from the start. So the DW disappointment is on her.

Well it’s not adapting to circumstances. It’s a bait and switch.

Except he wasn’t pretty clear. He admitted he decided to go along with her as he did not want her to leave.

Being clear would have been maintaining his position so she was clear what that meant and could decide accordingly.

She is contributing financially.

I don't think anyone can make promises on numbers of children. I know several people that have changed their own minds on what they thought they wanted after one child. I think at best you can both agree on being willing to try for kids or not but you've no idea how you'll take to parenthood until you start.

Well I’m sure she could trial getting a job and going 50/50 on all the finances, chores and child caring after a commute and 8-6 day out of the house to make an informed decision re a third child. Something tells me she might not be so keen when she experiences the reality of what her husband is experiencing.

What does that have to do with him pulling a bait and switch? Point is this is not “adapting to circumstances”.

This is a bait and switch.

I am fine with him saying all of that to her but he seems not to want to because he does not wANt hEr tO lEAvE him which is rather a cowardly way of acting.

But nobody has changed their mind here. That’s the issue. This marriage never should have happened.

It sounds like she told herself what she wanted to believe and now she's telling herself what she wants to believe in terms of her husband stepping up and coping. At least the OP is making his decisions based on reality.

What do you mean a bait and switch? You evolve through marriage. Nobody can decide what they want 10,20 or 30 years time particularly as regards children and before experiencing what they’re actually like as regards finances, mental load and impact on life.

Well there’s nothing in the marriage vows about 4 kids, not mine at least.

If you vow to drink 4 cups of tea you’re allowed to say - actually 2 is enough.

"I have always made it clear that I want 1 child, 2 is my absolute limit." - the op.

Even if he did promise to have 4 kids, hes changed his mind after 2. That is absolutely ok, we're talking about human beings, not someone deciding they fancy a chippy when they agreed to have a curry.

People who dont want children, for any reason, have no business actively conceiving them and im pretty shocked people are suggesting he should just because "he promised" even tho he didnt

He has not evolved his view - have you not read OP?

That said, I love her and I wanted / want to be with her. I knew that lots of kids were basically part of the deal, so I went along with it.

He knew he only wanted 1-2 but went along with what she wanted because he did not want to lose her.

That’s a bait and switch.

Had he genuinely wanted lots of children but through experiencing parenthood realised actually this is not for him - those would be evolving circumstances.