AIBU to want my wife to do more of the child-related tasks as she wants a large family?

[dadtosomekids]

I know this is mostly a women’s space, but that’s kind of why I’m here: I’d really like some female perspectives. For context I’m a man, married to a woman I love. She’s genuinely a great mum and a wonderful person that I’m proud of being married to. We’ve got 2 kids, one is 4 and the other is 1.

From the very start she was clear she wanted a big family, 3-4 kids. I’ve always been more of a one-kid person. If I’m being totally honest, 2 already feels like a lot to me. Parenting is hard, and I don’t find it fulfilling in the way she does, I mostly find it exhausting, although I love my children.

That said, I love her and I wanted / want to be with her. I knew that lots of kids were basically part of the deal, so I went along with it. I don’t regret my children, I love spending time with them (but struggle when it’s full days or long stretches of solo parenting) but I also can’t pretend this was ever my dream.

I’m usually out of the house from around 8am until about 6pm for work, 5 days per week. I very rarely get time that feels properly “off”, especially at weekends because we tend to spend the weekends as a family.

My wife is a SAHM, which was always what she wanted. Her day-to-day expenses (things like clothes, coffees, dentist, general spending) are covered by her or family money or inheritance, so money isn’t really a stressor for her in the long term. The house is paid for 50/50 by us. Everything else (bills, children’s clothes, nursery, meals out as a family, holidays) are covered by me.

The thing we keep clashing over is expectations around childcare. She wants everything to be very 50/50: nights, weekends, early mornings, all of it. She also still wants a third child, possibly a fourth, whereas I really don’t. And this is where I get stuck. From her side, it’s “this is my purpose in life, I want a big family”. I get that, and I respect it. But from my side, this already feels like more than I can comfortably handle. It feels like I’m being asked to sign up for something I never really wanted, and then expected to put in exactly the same level of energy and enthusiasm as someone who does. I guess, bluntly, my thinking is this: if having 3-4 kids is something she wants far more than I do, is it unreasonable to think she should be doing more of the work that comes with that choice? Because at the moment it feels like “I want more kids, let’s do this together, but you still have to carry half, or more, of the load”.

I love my wife, I love my kids, and I want to stay with her. I’m not trying to opt out of being a parent. Im
happy to occasionally wake up with the baby or to help get everyone ready in the morning for the day. I just don’t want to pretend that this is equally my dream when it isn’t. I can’t wake up every other morning at 6am because our toddler does, or spend large chunks of the day firefighting tantrums and overtired behaviour.

So am I being unfair here? Would it be unreasonable to say that if you want another 1-2 children be prepared for your load to go up disproportionately to mine?

Would really appreciate honest thoughts

Most of us are with you OP.

The issue is how exhausting babies and small children are - most of us don’t go into
it a third time.

Use your finances to see how you can buy in childcare and take it from
there. Don’t have 3 children under 5.

@dadtosomekids you are being unreasonable as you choose to have the 2 kids. So you need to do 50/50.

You are well within your rights to say no more children , You can’t have kids and choose NOT to parent . You are allowed not to be excited , interested in any more.

Gosh, I am a single parent so I have done all the childcare and working fulltime, all the night wakings and all the early mornings. For two DC.
i think the advantage of two parents should be that this is shared. So it would give you both time to work and have time off as well as look after DC. I do agree that your time not at work should be 50/50 but I don’t see why there isn’t leisure time for each of you included.

I think you don’t want more DC so you should not have them. I don’t think you can negotiate time for care based on whether you want them or not. When DC are here, they are your responsibility. Or they should be. But I also don’t think this means both parents are 100% on all the time with no leisure. That’s what you do if you have no support.

I do think your wishes and your wife’s wishes are incompatible in terms of number of DC.

I think your estimates are massively off. It sounds like you already do max 30% and are proposing 10% or less.

I think your plan is absolutely terrible, honestly. If she already wants you to do 50/50 when you're home, and you already find it too much, it's going to be so so much harder if you double the number of children. We have 4 children (all very much wanted) but definitely the more we have had, the more time my husband has needed to put into childcare because one parent can easily manage 2 alone, but with 4 there are times where one or two children have something on, that means one parent takes them and the other two are at home, or the toddler wakes up while I'm breastfeeding the baby so he needs to get involved etc. It would be an absolute disaster if she already wants you to do more than you are willing to do, and then you have more children but think you can do less. You will both resent each other, you because you want more time off and her because she wants more support. She might resent you for not having more children, but it might be better to separate and co parent the 2 children rather than how messy it would be if there are 4 children to manage and the stress of it all could lead you to separate anyway when she wants more support that you aren't ready to provide.

Yes, so when he's out at work she does it on her own - when he's not at work they should be 50-50

I just don’t get men like this. It’s absolutely bonkers.

@dadtosomekids your wife sounds insufferable. They way I see it you need to have buckets of time one for her alone time, one for yours, one as a couple and one as a family. The family one should be most filled as you have young kids but you can’t leave your alone and couple times empty either- otherwise when the kids are teenagers/adults what will be left of your relationship/self worth if you’ve ignored your needs and relationships needs for so long.

I love the way you're complaining about never getting time off.

Also, calling women "females".

How much time off does your wife get?

It's odd that a woman who really wanted a big family ended up with a man who really didn't want that at all. Did you lie to her to get her to marry you?

Your financial setup is also really, really odd.

I was reading it as if he was a bit meh whatever about it.

However I can see now ive reread op posts with a different view that it seemed he wasn't so meh and actually made it pretty clear he didnt want more.

So if hes in the wrong so is the DW for thinking he'd change his mind as she'll "get her own way".

They're as bad as each other over this. But I still think its OK for someone to put their foot down over number of children conceived if parenting hasnt been what they thought. Its the responsible thing to do tbh.

I think we are all baffled as to why they got married if they were both clear (as OP claims) about the number of children they wanted.

Adding another layer of bafflement is why OP hasn’t said “look, Jane, I said before we married that I only wanted one, max two, and I haven’t changed my mind on that. I am happy to go to couples counselling to discuss and to get a vasectomy so that you aren’t responsible for contraception, but that’s how I feel, I’m sorry”

I think a lot of people will have an idea of how many kids they want and then change their minds when they actually start having them. People don't always realise how hard they will find parenting or they'll assume a level of help from extended family that doesn't always match reality. Even if promises are made this isn't one that can always be kept.

God this forum is very anti men at times isn't it? I also think I'm reading a different thread than other people at times.

He told her before they married that his preference was 1 child but that he could manage 2.

She married him anyway believing that he would be so besotted by his own children that he would change his mind, or that she could grind him down. She's trying the grind him down approach now he's found out how hard work children are.

She's clearly indicated to him somehow that she will leave him if he doesn't give her more children. He's trying desperately, including posting on here to face the criticism that he's had, to work out how to keep her happy without driving himself into a breakdown.

And this is his fault somehow? He has lied to her somehow?

I hope he has the sense to get a vasectomy.

All? Errr, no. I'm not baffled.

You're baffled that there are women who scheme and use emotional blackmail to get their own way.

I think maybe you don't meet enough women.

He's tried, "I've said two I meant two, special now I know how hard work they are. Her response has been to intimate that she will leave him and find another sperm donor sugar daddy/brother.

She sounds quite insufferable, and like she needs to get a job/outside interest... but in reading all your posts I honestly don't know why you married her if you had very different ideas of what your future together should look like. This is the inevitable outcome of not being on the same page.

If she wants to be a stay at home mummy, and wants a load of children, she needs to take on the trad-wife role and suck up the bigger share of the responsibilities of having a load of children. IMO. If it's so difficult and tiring for her why does she want more children?

But ultimately I agree with PP who say you should put your foot down if you don't want any more children. Don't bring children who aren't 100% wanted into the world. If your wife would leave you and break up your children's lives then I'd be seriously reconsidering what kind of person she is. Does she really care more about theoretical children, that do not yet exist, than her actual living children?

You're baffled that there are women who scheme and use emotional blackmail to get their own way.

Ahahahahahaha nope.

She was clear, he was clear (apparently) and they married anyway. Either of them could have said “this is an incompatibility and we should split up” just as many couples do if, eg, one wants kids and one doesn’t at all.

He's tried, "I've said two I meant two, special now I know how hard work they are

You mean “especially”

But - has he, in fact, said this to her? Given his OP is about “if she wants another, is it fair to get her to do more of the work”. That doesn’t sound like a definite no, it sounds like
a “yes, if…”

Well thank you so much for correcting my very obvious typo that I didn't spot until the unreasonably short time limit for corrections had expired.

In future I will attempt to satisfy your pedantic need for correct grammar even though you understood perfectly what my swype keyboard had supplied.

🤣😂🤣

OP I have had the same internal debate, as my DH wants a 3rd child and I don’t think he is even doing 50/50 with the 2 we have. I’ve been thinking “if he promises to xyz would I do it?” as I would quite like a 3rd.

The answer has to be no. In the world where you talk it out and she agrees to do 70% of childcare, she gets pregnant then says “ah I feel terrible you’ll have to do 100% now” you have NO COMEBACK. It’s done. It doesn’t matter what each person promises to do.

Your choices here are to put your foot down and say no more kids, risking your marriage.

Or you say you feel over capacity now, but look forward to talking about it when 2 oldest are in nursery and your shared capacity is greater. You can reframe this as wanting to be the best dad for the kids you have, as it’s clear from your post you’re not finding joy in them which is contributing to their behaviour and stress.

Obviously it’s hard with little kids, but please do think about whether as an older adult you will enjoy parenting three teens, or having 3 adult children to help out.

And thank you so much for ignoring the actual points I made. How pointless of you.

Have a wonderful day.

And thank you so much for ignoring the actual points I made. How pointless of you.

Have a wonderful day.

Your points have already been discussed ad nauseam on this thread, I'm not really interested in rehashing those points.

Very sorry if that upsets you.

Fucking ridiculous. Ypu don't solve your marriage problems by "gifting" a child.

You either hold your line on no more kids or you go into it with your eyes wide open and throw yourself in.

In other words, if you concede to be a dad, you become a dad and step up.

You don't get to opt out because you're trying to play the nice guy who only wants to please your wife when really you just want an easy life.

Take some bloody ownership of your life choices.

Sorry to be rude but you've really really pissed me off with your "nice guy" dilemma, which is really just a shiny package for a man who doesn't like parenting and cba but doesn't want to lose his family man status or home comforts.

You knew that lots of kids were part of the deal. You made that deal, chose that life. Now you’re trying to renege on that deal - while retaining the parts of that life that you want. A pick-n-mix marriage.

You've deceived her. Tricked her into believing you’d agreed to the life she wanted - that she was very honest about up-front.

You’ve already decided how much / little effort you’re willing to put in - based I suspect on how little you think you can get away with, without her divorcing you or showing overt resentment towards you every day. How little you can get away with while still expecting to be viewed - by yourself, by people outside your marriage - as a good guy.

You’re here to test the waters with us - ‘how little can I get away with and still have other women think I’m ok?’ So you can throw that back in her face. Shame on you.

Be a good person. Be honest up-front (as she has been). Make agreements and stick to them. If you can’t parent more children don’t have them. Face up to her disappointment and take responsibility for your role in setting her up for that. This will be uncomfortable for you. Face that.

Don’t pretend to be a ‘Good Guy’TM while adopting dishonesty, deception and manipulation to perpetuate your selfishness.

If you want an honest, open conversation with her, have it. No-one really knows how much work children are until they have them. You’ve reached your limit for being a good dad. What can the two of you work out together?

Not upset, sweetie.

You were hardly the first to suggest a vasectomy, if “not rehashing” is so important to you.

Tattie-bye!

I agree with all of this.

It’s ok to want the trad wife role - I may not understand it but some women and men too want to live like that - but then do it properly: SAHM does the nights and early wakings - if it’s too much then get some childcare. But don’t ask the breadwinner to do nights as they’re the one keeping the entire show on the road. If they get sacked from a sleep-deprived mistake - you’re all fucked.

She wants her cake and eat it: to be bank-rolled at the same time as demanding a 50:50 input that would only be valid if she was working FT too.

I also agree that the line must be drawn on children. She may not want more hypothetical children if she actually pulled her weight with the ones she has.