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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my Grammar School DD 2 with an IQ of 119 should be aiming for at least Grade 7's in all her GCSE subjects.

307 replies

redange · 30/01/2026 23:55

My DD'2 is currently in the process of choosing her GCSE options for next year year 10 and at a Girls Grammar School in Essex. However, I am seriously upset with her attitude at the moment regarding what she thinks grades she should be achieving at the end of year 11. The, schools expectations are grade 7 and above for all subjects . The, other problem is because DD is in year 9 she obviously did not do her SATS at 11 so I have no predicted pathway to convince her. DD'2 has convinced herself, she will only be capable of at best 'all' grade 5's at end of year 11 despite having a decent IQ of 119. For, the record DD 1 IQ is 122 and she is expected to get between 6- 8 GCSE's at 9 and the others at 7/8.
Am I reasonable to think she is just being lazy, or is she suffering from a little bit of confidence, due to 'impostor' syndrome and her sisters likely results. I have looked at various sources online, which suggest that with a good study ethos her grades should not be hugely dissimilar to DD 1's. There, are also a couple of 'rebels' who are friends of hers playing up at school currently, for which the school believe is year 9 blues..

OP posts:
Whataninterestinglookingpotato · 31/01/2026 05:20

IIQ doesn’t necessarily translate into being good at school. I have a high IQ, much higher than either of your dds but really did not do well at school at all. I was just not made to thrive academically in that environment.

in my own time I went back to education and as an adult gained a first class degree, but I really struggled to apply myself as a teen. Constant unhelpful pressure and judgement from my mother went a long way to put me further off eduction rather than making me able to knuckle down.

tripleginandtonic · 31/01/2026 05:21

My dc rarely did homework or did it in class after they'd finished their other tasks. All achieved better results thsn those needed for your sixth form OP and that was at a comp.So as long as she pays attention in class she should be fine.

Tolkienista · 31/01/2026 05:57

weefella · 31/01/2026 00:06

"The, other problem is because DD is in year 9 she obviously did not do her SATS at 11 so I have no predicted pathway to convince her".

Why did she "obviously" not do her SATs? The current Yr9 would have done them.

Hhmmm that's my thoughts too. Primary school teacher here, can't think of anything that would have stopped her doing SATs just a few years ago.
I've encountered many parents like the OP, who get obsessed by numbers around exam results.
Build up their confidence, lay off predicting grades and remember she's entering her teens and will change in the coming years as she gets closer to taking her exams.

itsgettingweird · 31/01/2026 06:22

Yes you are being UR in “expecting” those results.

My ds has a high IQ but poor language and academic skills and they don’t translate.

YANBU to be concerned about a poor work ethic though.

Fuzzypinetree · 31/01/2026 06:29

I'm confused.
Homework is done when it's done, surely. Are you sitting there with a timer?

DS has an IQ of 122 (according to his psychologist..it might be a bit higher, but they couldn't do all of the test with him...see where this is going?). He's currently repeating second grade (we are abroad) and he is now luckily plodding along happily in school. He's firmly mid-range of his class, which is a bog standard state primary. I'm expecting him to struggle at secondary. He might not, which would be amazing, and just continue to happily plod on at the bog standard comprehensive he'll be attending. If he does suddenly turn into a completely different child, I might consider sending him to our local grammar school. An IQ test is not a predictor of academic success.
(For reference, mine is at 132 and I didn't get outstanding A-levels, either. I was quite average.)

Let your DD get started with her GCSEs first and then talk about what she's aiming for once she's settled.

2021x · 31/01/2026 06:33

Having spent 7 years at a girls grammar school in Essex (with an IQ of 124), my experience is unless your daughter has an IQ of 140+ and can get them in the paper, or is in danger of bringing down the average grades she will not get any support.

I was in the middle group- all Bs at GCSE and Cs at A-level. It was only after I left school that I found out all the non-genius people getting A's had extra tution to get the grades to get into university.

High test scores only really get you to the next level of education. The truth is after you leave university not one person asks you what you got in your degree or even what your degree was in. As for the networking part- in only works if you already have connections.

The best skill your daughter can work on is building up her self-confidence outside of her school grades. Send her to acting classes to build up the ability to be charming in interviews and then she will go very far regardless of her grades.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 31/01/2026 06:36

Sounds like she is having a confidence crisis so talk to her and see where it’s coming from.

on homework is she completing it all, presumably she has a set amount of work to get through not a set amount time she should be spending.

I think the main thing at this age is to keep her motivated and confidence but also stay realistic

101trees · 31/01/2026 06:40

If you're question is - why is she only aiming for Grade 5s instead of Grade 7s?

Instead of - based on the following metrics what should she be capable of?

It seems like the answer basically is you've put her under too much pressure and she's fed up with it, so she's told you she only wants to try for Grade 5s to stop you going on about how much work is required to get the grades you want her to get to go to 6th form.

It's pretty obvious she's likely to get greater than Grade 5s if she's at a Grammar with higher expectations and you're making her do loads of homework. So the problem obviously isn't one you can fix by giving the right performance metrics.

You're not asking the right question - the question is - why would she say that to you? She's either said it because someone has made it seem too hard to get Grade 7s so she thinks she can't do it, in which case it's a confidence issue. Or because you've put too much pressure on her and she's said it to shut you down and make you back off.

She clearly knows what your expectations of her are, she's at a grammar with high expectations, so I doubt the problem here is low expectations. It's much more likely to be related to being sick of everyone having high expectations and wanting them to back off, or feeling low self confidence if everyone has reiterated how much work they'll need to do to get the expected grades.

It's not actually that hard to get Grade 7s even in a bog standard state school.

It's Year 9, there's a huge transition between year 9 and year 11. You'd do well to back off a bit now and stop talking about expected performance and just tell her she can only do the best she can do - because that's true. Be supportive of who she feels she is - I want you to sit down and do your homework every evening and try your best, that might mean you get Grade 5s, but you might surprise yourself and do better.

hollytheheroic · 31/01/2026 06:40

IQ tests are pretty meaningless. Mine was measured at 145 as a kid, I can tell you it's definitely not that.

2021x · 31/01/2026 06:43

hollytheheroic · 31/01/2026 06:40

IQ tests are pretty meaningless. Mine was measured at 145 as a kid, I can tell you it's definitely not that.

I agree... I think they are like BMI only really good for individual results at the extreme ends, but otherwise they are more of a population level.. i.e. below average, average, above average, high.

My mum was measured in the 130's and she definately isn't above average.

TeenToTwenties · 31/01/2026 06:43

My guess is that because she us at a selective school she has a skewed idea of ability range and what is needed for certain grades.
If they set and she is in lower sets, or if they don't set and she sees herself as being not as clever as many, she may just believe she is a grade 5 type child.
She just may have no idea what a broad range of ability there us below her.

So don't fuss at her. Encourage her she is bright enough to do well, and if she works steadily during y10&y11 she should do fine.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 31/01/2026 06:43

redange · 31/01/2026 01:07

For the record the IQ means nothing to me but if I don't give any figures about the academic competency of my DD'2 how can anyone tell me what is normal for a girl of her decent capabilities.

I think you need to be focusing on what your DD wants out of her life. Because it is her life.

Does she want to go to the 6th form attached to her school or is there a different route she would prefer? Is she happier doing things rather than writing?

Grammar school, A Levels and uni aren't the only route into a good life. Not everyone, no matter how bright, is suited to the academic route or enjoys it.

Even to this day I have people telling me that I am good at certain things I can't stand, and because I'm good at it I should pursue it. Just because you can do something doesn't mean you have to do it if it makes you miserable.

Have a conversation about what she wants. Make sure she understands that her GCSEs will give her options but ultimately support her in what she wants from life rather than telling her she should be doing something just because she's able to.

Notalotanota2026 · 31/01/2026 06:45

She clearly gets it from her father's side..

2021mumma · 31/01/2026 06:52

How and where did you measure your children’s IQ?

TheNightingalesStarling · 31/01/2026 06:56

If you have dyslexia and autism... I presume you have had had her tested? If she's intelligent, she may have masked so far, but now is starting to feel the strain?

OttersMayHaveShifted · 31/01/2026 06:57

An IQ score is not really useful and it will not help anyone tell you what your daughter is capable of achieving at GCSE, because it's not something most people are tested for, it's notoriously unreliable, and it's not something schools use as a measure at all.

I teach in a girls' grammar school. Most of our students do get grades 7-9. Quite a few get a couple of lower grades in specific subjects they struggle with. We do have a few every year who get 5s or lower across the board, but this is usually due to either SEND (though most of our students with SEND do really well), poor absence (due to health or home issues) or persistent behaviour problems (rare).

The other reason can be that the student was heavily tutored to pass the 11+ and can't actually cope at grammar school. This often isn't fully apparent until Y9 or 10 when the work starts to get harder.

Your dd may well be theoretically capable of at least a 7 in dome subjects, but it doesn't sound as though that is a priority for her! Does she have any ide of jobs she'd like to do? That can be motivating.

WrappingPresents · 31/01/2026 06:58

Zanatdy · 31/01/2026 04:48

My DD got 12 x grade 9’s and is predicted 4 x A star for her A levels this summer. Never crossed my mind to test her intelligence formally. Not sure what purpose is. I mean the grades speak for themselves. Also I think some of it with my DD is hard work and determination over natural ability, as she worked incredibly hard in GCSE years. She isn’t one of those kids who does no work and gets a grade 9.

My daughter's Einstein. It never would have crossed my mind to get her IQ tested in a million years.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 31/01/2026 06:58

TeenToTwenties · 31/01/2026 06:43

My guess is that because she us at a selective school she has a skewed idea of ability range and what is needed for certain grades.
If they set and she is in lower sets, or if they don't set and she sees herself as being not as clever as many, she may just believe she is a grade 5 type child.
She just may have no idea what a broad range of ability there us below her.

So don't fuss at her. Encourage her she is bright enough to do well, and if she works steadily during y10&y11 she should do fine.

I came on to say exactly this. It's so easy to feel stupid if you're not at the top of the class.

curious79 · 31/01/2026 07:02

She hasn’t even started GCSEs. Why are you even talking about this now? You’re sounding very pushy and perhaps she is already trying to manage the pressure you are heaping on her

Psychologically, promoting results requires encouraging best effort along the way, not outcomes

I say back away tiger mum and stop worrying about GCSE grades when she’s not even started yr 10

Barrellturn · 31/01/2026 07:02

I'm a psychometrician (I design "iq" tests among others). I wouldn't be trusting the IQ scores or using them to guage educational attainment.

It sounds like she's trying to get you off her back. Maybe try easing off a bit and she might just take control of her own life a bit.

LottieMary · 31/01/2026 07:07

As a GS teacher I’d generalise and say students who say they’re ‘happy’ with 5s are either genuinely some of the happiest, comfortable with themselves, willing to work and see what happens but resilient to expectations. They often do better because they will work (and 1hr20 in y9 would be an absolutely brilliant work ethic - I’d say that’s probably too much considering hashes probably commuting a fair way)
or, they’re severely lacking in confidence because they feel like they’re ’at the bottom’ and have a distorted perception of themselves on a national scale. If she’s in this category shes probably had a few tests lower than your expectations and she’s struggling in a couple of subjects, which has a knock on (maths to sciences, English to humanities etc) and is starting to manage expectations of herself and those around her as a result of lacking confidence.

which do you think she is?

CrowMate · 31/01/2026 07:10

I think focussing on work ethic might be helpful. Being. Bright only gets you so far. Hard work is what will ensure success.

icallshade · 31/01/2026 07:15

I think you need to chill out, take the pressure off.
From your posts you give pushy parent vibes and your daughter is probably struggling with that.

Spacedsunshine1 · 31/01/2026 07:21

unluckystar · 31/01/2026 01:11

Can you not just encourage her to do her best and tell her you are proud whatever the results?

This, and more of This

Dolphinnoises · 31/01/2026 07:25

I’m confused as to why any of this matters? Presumably she’s choosing her best subjects as her options, and then she has another eighteen months or so before we get to predicted grades?

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