Friends comments about our lifestyle, house and inheritance

[summerSt68xol]

Both DH and I have been working full time since we finished education. We don’t have kids. We rented for 7 years and just bought our first home together, thanks to some savings and an inheritance from my mum who passed away in 2024. We’re doing well after some promotions at work and don’t have to stress about money, but it hasn’t always been this way or easy for us. We’ve never claimed any benefits, not that we’d qualify for them anyway.

A close friend of mine has 4 kids. She separated from their dad last year. She’s always worked part time, to be fair. Her ex hardly ever worked (he had one job a few years back that lasted only 3 months) and he’s always been lazy with no real goals (her words). They’ve mostly relied on benefits. They used to live in a 2 bedroom flat when they had 3 kids, but after having their youngest, they were moved to a more suitable property. I bring this up because people on here often say that circumstances change after having kids, and maybe they could afford it before, but that’s not the case here. In my opinion, they were never in a strong enough financial position to have 4 kids (she’s said this herself to be fair), but they’re here now and very loved, so it’s all good. I just wanted to provide some context before anyone thinks I’m bashing benefits. I’m not, it’s just the reality.

So, as I mentioned earlier, DH and I just bought our first house. We managed to do this through our savings and some inheritance. My mum passed away a couple of years ago and left us a bit of money. Since then, friend has been making comments about how lucky we are to have bought a house, and how fortunate we are to have had some help, plus remarks about our cars and furniture and how we’re lucky to afford them (we bought the cars before the inheritance, so I’m not sure where she’s getting that from. We both drive Fords, not exactly Range Rovers and they are on finance not bought outright). We also have a holiday planned for June (our first in 5 years), and she’s commented on that too! It’s really grating on me now. I find it insensitive for her to keep saying “lucky” since I only received that money because my mum died. We’ve also put in a lot of hard work over the years, climbing the career ladder like many others!

Couldn’t I say she’s lucky to have had 4 kids? A lovely home? A flexible job? Time with her kids? Support from the Government? Why is it a one way thing and only we’re lucky? I know I will get accused of bashing benefits, people can’t discuss the topic here without someone saying it, but I’m just really tired of it and feel like I want to give up on this friendship. AIBU?

She's BU but she's also in a hard place. So depends how much your friendship means to you. I know I'm constant thinking of money now as a parent when i never did before. Maybe distance is best

I am so sorry OP. I lost my mum in my 20s. No siblings. My lovely mum never got to see me get married, she never got to meet her grandchildren whom she would have absolutely adored and they never got to meet their grandmother. It has been the sadness of my life.

I too had a couple of comments at the time that I was "lucky" for getting a small inheritance. Back then I was so devastated by grief I said nothing.

Now, I'd tell them to fuck off to the other side of fuck and keep going.

I didnt have my mum with me when I gave birth or for any milestone events in my life. If anyone thinks a bit of money makes up for that then they are ignorant, and privileged (privileged for having the luxury of having their parents around).

Your friend is cruel- not every thought in our heads needs to be verbalised out loud and I would return the favour by telling her to go fuck herself and never to contact me ever again.

Ditch the jealous cow, it won't improve.

Imagine telling someone they were lucky to have inherited money through a dearly loved one's death. What a cunty thing to say.

What did you ever have in common ?

She’s not your friend.
how dare she being on benefits commenting that you are lucky given that you both work! Inheritance or not.

If she acknowledges that it isn"t just luck and you might be responsible for your better situation, then she might have to face the fact that she is responsible for some of her bad decisions. No one likes doing that.

Your friend made a big mistake in her choice of partner and sadly has paid the price -four babies later, and struggling on her own with the responsibility.
You could remind her that her future situation now depends on keeping her head down and parenting properly so that her ‘luck’ can really improve as her dc all grow up to secondary school age and become more independent. Maybe she will then have a second chance to work at a career and meet somebody more suitable. That hope exists for her, as does the hope for each of her four children if they are guided to work hard and make the right decisions. That’s a lot of potential if she resolves to concentrate on the future and work hard, uncomplainingly, to make her own luck.

Her comments to you are upsetting but I think she really needs you, as a friend, to point all that out to her.
Tell her that you and your DH had a chance to make your own luck as did she, but of course life takes different turns for each of us.
And yes, of course you must speak up and remind her that your own ‘luck’ as she calls it is still very bitter sweet because your mum, to whom you were very close, her luck finally ran out aged 51 when cancer cruelly took her from you.

You don’t owe her anything of course, especially if you have come to the end of the line with her. You can end the friendship or let it slow fade out.
But you can clearly see her situation whereas she is seemingly missing pertinent bits about yours.
So my advice would be to enlighten her.

So my advice would be to enlighten her.

You are missing one major factor here: the power of cognitive dissonance. As @Dgll points out: If she acknowledges that it isn"t just luck and you might be responsible for your better situation, then she might have to face the fact that she is responsible for some of her bad decisions. No one likes doing that

You can't enlighten people that dont want to see it. Anyone with even half a brain would recognise her comments as insensitive- the fact she doesn't care would indicate to me she wont be "enlightened".

We’re not which is why there are so many threads on here about people having children they expect other people to support.
Of course I don’t want children to be hungry etc but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like men and women to think more carefully about who they has children with and how THEY will support those children. Men are not currently made to pay child support. There should be more sanctions for them like passport control. Money should be taken from their account.

Women need to stop believing in the fairytale crap about needing a man. If we educated women to be more independent then perhaps they wouldn’t settle for and pro create with these complete losers.

I don’t think you should be able to claim any benefits if you’ve never worked and I think they should have a time limit on them when you do.

This

I agree with PP that she’s softening up the ground to start asking you for money/big presents ‘for the kids’ because it’s ’easy for you’ and you ‘don’t need all that money’.

I’m surprised you’ve not been made Godparent for all of the kids tbh.

Absolutely this!

Yes she’s in a hard place - one she put herself in by having 4 kids she can’t afford.

She’s jealous and unhappy, trying to make herself feel better by dragging you down.

Pity her rather than dragging her down in return. You’ve quite rightly avoided lashing out this far. You are happy in your life and don’t need to bring others down.

If you want to support her in feeling better, by all means point out all the stuff she’s got going for her. It may help her. But sometimes people in a bad place resent people who seem to be successful denying that they have a problem. They feel dismissed and ignored, as though you can’t see how awful their life is.

It's not "lucky" to have thse things, unless all are gifted to you. They are the result of hard work, probably starting at school with getting decent qualificatins that allow you to have a career, save for a deposit, and be credit-worthy enough to be granted a loan for a car.
I had a friend like this. She never worked, and her husband had an OK but not very well-paid job. My DH took on extra shifts and I worked part time eveings and weekends to make enough money to move from our HA flat and get our mortgage. Every time I bought ANYTHING - new top, something for the kids, whatever - she told me how lucky I/they were. NOT LUCK! I flamin' well worked for this!!!!

You are missing the point.
From my understanding of OP's post, her friend has been working part-time and claiming benefits to make up the shortfall. Being able to work part-time isn't an option for many as their salary wouldn't cover outgoings.
There are people who choose to work part-time and have more children whilst being supported by the state to make up the shortfall.
There are also people who work full time and whose salary doesn't meet the cost of their outgoings and get topped up by the state also.
It's easy to see how people can perceive the system as being unfair.
No one is exempt from a change in circumstances or exempt from needing financial assistance.
OP has every right to celebrate her achievement and the good fortune of her inheritance, not withstanding the enormity of her mum's death.
At the same time, OP's friend is fortunate to be rehoused to a bigger property ( some people aren't) & being able to work part-time whilst having 4 children.
I was a single parent and always worked full time because I felt it was my responsibility so alot comes down to choice

My mum passed away unexpectedly at a young age. I was 20 and was told by so called friends I was lucky I did not have a mother to question me even though I was verY sensible. I was absolutely heartbroken

Often on these threads where inheritance is mentioned, the majority of posters can't seem to fathom that some of us never received any inheritance when our dearly loved parents passed away. And we know its not a case of being lucky to receive inherited money, but it sure helps make life a bit easier in the grand scheme of things.

Did you lose both of your parents young? I did.

What exactly do you hope to achieve by telling someone grieving they are lucky- like, seriously- what response are you expecting from them that will make you feel better and why on earth are you wanting them to soothe YOUR feelings of jealousy at a time when someone they love has just died? Does that not strike you as monumentally selfish?

It's absolutely fine to think it in your head- we all think things in our head, but to say it out loud and to expect someone to respond to it in the midst of their grief makes you an absolute cunt.

Also, by your rationale where does it end?- anyone with an electronic device reading this website is "luckier" than a huge chunk of the population- should we wheel that out every time someone on here feels sad about something because compared to many, many others in the world they certainly are "lucky" and their life is far easier in the grand scheme of things. Perhaps we should be pointing this out every time someone posts something sad eh?

Absolutely this.
What an awful shade of green she is.
I haven't read all the comments as this one is what I was thinking but I would absolutely say something to her,sooner the better too.

If her DM is still alive if be tempted to say, "how is your mum doing? When did you last speak to her? That's nice."
Or just, "I'd appreciate it if you can remember that the reason why I have this house is because my mum died. I didn't win the lottery, this isn't from luck".
OP I apologise if my words are upsetting. Friends being a dick.

People just don't think and it was worse back then I think (presuming it was 90/00s).
Ignorance.

This.

I lost my mum 7 years ago. She left my sister and me some inheritance. I remember calling my mortgage company to pay off the balance. The woman congratulated me and I burst out crying and told her I'd rather have my mum here. It felt so insensitive.
Your friend sounds jealous. Tell her what you've told us and that her comments are upsetting you.
I'm so sorry for your loss 🙏 x

You're being way way too sensitive!

Nailed in the first message. Do this.

Yes I did.