Friends comments about our lifestyle, house and inheritance

[summerSt68xol]

Both DH and I have been working full time since we finished education. We don’t have kids. We rented for 7 years and just bought our first home together, thanks to some savings and an inheritance from my mum who passed away in 2024. We’re doing well after some promotions at work and don’t have to stress about money, but it hasn’t always been this way or easy for us. We’ve never claimed any benefits, not that we’d qualify for them anyway.

A close friend of mine has 4 kids. She separated from their dad last year. She’s always worked part time, to be fair. Her ex hardly ever worked (he had one job a few years back that lasted only 3 months) and he’s always been lazy with no real goals (her words). They’ve mostly relied on benefits. They used to live in a 2 bedroom flat when they had 3 kids, but after having their youngest, they were moved to a more suitable property. I bring this up because people on here often say that circumstances change after having kids, and maybe they could afford it before, but that’s not the case here. In my opinion, they were never in a strong enough financial position to have 4 kids (she’s said this herself to be fair), but they’re here now and very loved, so it’s all good. I just wanted to provide some context before anyone thinks I’m bashing benefits. I’m not, it’s just the reality.

So, as I mentioned earlier, DH and I just bought our first house. We managed to do this through our savings and some inheritance. My mum passed away a couple of years ago and left us a bit of money. Since then, friend has been making comments about how lucky we are to have bought a house, and how fortunate we are to have had some help, plus remarks about our cars and furniture and how we’re lucky to afford them (we bought the cars before the inheritance, so I’m not sure where she’s getting that from. We both drive Fords, not exactly Range Rovers and they are on finance not bought outright). We also have a holiday planned for June (our first in 5 years), and she’s commented on that too! It’s really grating on me now. I find it insensitive for her to keep saying “lucky” since I only received that money because my mum died. We’ve also put in a lot of hard work over the years, climbing the career ladder like many others!

Couldn’t I say she’s lucky to have had 4 kids? A lovely home? A flexible job? Time with her kids? Support from the Government? Why is it a one way thing and only we’re lucky? I know I will get accused of bashing benefits, people can’t discuss the topic here without someone saying it, but I’m just really tired of it and feel like I want to give up on this friendship. AIBU?

Next time she does it, just say I’d rather have my mum, so please don’t say that as I find it upsetting.

she’s not thinking, and she’s jealous, we are in our fifties and have close friends behaving similarly, they retired early, at 50, with about 500k in savings, but low pensions, they have spent nearly all of their savings on the last 6 years.

They went from living very frugal lifestyles and saving till retirement, they had fairly average jobs, then retired and went nuts, major house renovation and extension , which cost about 250 grand, and for rhe life of me I can’t see how it was required, it’s a big house and only two of them live there, all new windows, then they bought new cars and went on a lot of very expensive holidays, they also spend their savings to just live ie all their socialising.

now they keep saying they are nearly skint, how they aren’t in our bracket, how lucky we are, but at the same age, we still work. We don’t spend like they do. Can’t imagine ever doing so. They don’t want to downsize and move, and don’t wish to work again, but the comments are pissing us both off, like your friend their lifestyle is a choice, you don’t get to make it then look around enviously and declare everyone else lucky.

Bitch?

Look, I get her perspective, because she's looking at life always being hard. But shouldn't comment as it's her problem, not yours, from her choices.

From the reverse perspective, when we were both 18 my friend inherited 50k from a fund set up after her DF died when she was a child. She literally waved the cheque in my face and bragged about it and was horrible. This was 30 years ago & at the time, you could have bought a home outright for that. I said I wasn't jealous, I still have my father... Shut her up immediately and never heard another peep about it!! It was the last straw for me though. Horrible.

Agree. She’s a bit thick isn’t she. What do you have in common op, what do you talk about when she’s not telling you how lucky you are? Do you have fun?

I read somewhere that when people are horrible or made snide remarks it gives them a dopamine hit ie a little rush of pleasure and that’s why they do it. So reframe it like that , it’s not about you.

are you an over thinker/people pleaser , the amount of detail you’ve put in your post and the over explaining gives that impression. If so that maybe why you are giving it so much headspace rather than just saying something back as you don’t want to upset her. But it’s ok for her to upset you.

She made her choices- a large family, part time work. She sounds entitled and resentful of you.

Better that you stick to the OP's thread rather than shower me with compliments.

Thanks all the same anyway. 🙄🤦‍♂️

I think its fine to acknowledge that an inheritance has given you a financial advantage.
Shes probably a bit envious of your financial security and lifestyle but as you point out she has lots to be thankful for too.
I think you just have to be honest with her, acknowledge the inheritance has helped you financially but say how much you miss and grieve for your mum.
Tell her the cars are on finance. Say how hard you worked for promotion etc.
Sounds like she made bad relationship choices.
But Id try and remind her of her blessings to hopefully
move her mindset in from being envious to being grateful for everything she has, so tell her how great her kids are, that it must be lovely to work flexibly etc (although with 4 DC she probably isnt getting much downtime!) If she still has her mum (and a good relationship with her) remind her of this too.

YANBU at all OP and should probably distance yourself. It will only get worse as the kids become teens and things become more expensive for her, and you’ve had more promotions.

Some people don’t want to take responsibility for their choices so talk crap about being ‘left behind’ etc and take their resentment out on others.

Everyone knows kids are expensive, that’s why even many high earners only have two kids. Four kids (unless they are quads) is just plain irresponsible, doubly so when you’re in a financially precarious position. Don’t stick around and be her deflection punchbag.

Sorry I upset you 🤣🤣

OP if not having children wasn’t your choice then it would be quite in order to tell her she is lucky to have her children.

There is a difference in outlook.

Many people have lots of kids and cheerfully live a competent thrifty life , working hard at making it work. An intentional lifestyle where they have chosen a family over material wealth, understand their choices and decisions and are content, and not envious.

Others have lots of kids and somehow expect ‘ luck’ to fall into their laps, neither working all hours and juggling childcare (like most working parents) nor accepting without envy a reduced standard of material comforts.

I am sure your friend has lovely characteristics that make her a friend but her fatal flaw seems to be her mindset.

I had a couple of people like this too when I lost both parents fairly young. Of course it is “lucky” to be given money, but it doesn’t dampen the grief. Inheritance can also sometimes come along with guilt. In my experience, people who say a bereft person is lucky to their face have often never faced deep grief, which I think is luckier than getting an inheritance

I totally understand this. My brother is like this and claims I am ‘lucky’ because I have a high paying job. I’m not lucky, I worked my socks off climbing the career ladder and it came at a huge cost to my mental health but I pushed through.

On a similar note - I also get pissed off when people say I am lucky I am slim (size 8-10) and it’s ‘easy for me’. Nope not luck at all, calorie counting and exercising oh and hard work to keep fit… but yeah, let’s just call it ‘luck’ 🤣

Calmly - You’ve mentioned before how lucky I am to have this house. Did I not mention I bought it with the money from my mother’s estate?

long pause

When life hasn’t turned out the way you want some people feel entitled to take their disappointment and frustrations at themselves and project them on to friends. Happens all the time. So everyone she says something reframe it in your head and her saying I wish I was lucky. I wish I had it all. This has nothing to do with you.

Is her mum still alive? If yes, I would genuinely say that I hope she is as “lucky” one day when her mum dies too and see if that clicks OP. And also, it might be time to drop this friendship-you seem to be feeling the need to overanalyse and over explain yourself to her and that’s not healthy. Your money is none of her business.

Why on earth should the OP have to explain herself to such a degree? She doesn’t have to acknowledge anything of the sort.

We get comments, live in a nice house, nice cars, I only work part time. However, to get all of that, DH lost both of his parents, his mum in his 20’s, his Dad 20 years later. Our lifestyle is great, but there’s a PIL shaped hole that can never be filled.

Tbh I’d give her a wide berth and concentrate on my lovely new house, a holiday to look forward to and time with my dh. I’d try and distance myself from the friendship. Sounds like she’s waking round with a chip on her shoulder myself.

i lost my mum at 16, I’m now in my 50s. I was left a small inheritance that like you, I did very sensible and practical things with. And for a long time a lot of people have assumed that the money has lasted forever and taken me far in life. It’s far from the truth. I’ve worked bloody hard, as has my dh to get where we are in life. I’ve taken every 15 minutes overtime where a lot of my colleagues couldn’t be bothered, I’ve taken every after school club (I’m a retired teacher) that I could get my hands on to get the money in, whilst my own kids were at home…..exactly where I wanted to be too. We’ve left our cars parked down the street because we couldn’t quite make it home on the petrol. My mil even used to buy us a bit of food every week back in the day. And do you know what, I would have lived on the street to have my mum back and at probably a crucial era of my life. Even now at my age now, I’d give my right arm to have some more time back with her.

dont put up with this “friend “. I mean, sure don’t keep telling her your news and business, dont share the details of your life, sadly not everyone in life is happy for us, but I’d definitely look to distance myself from this. Whilst you’re in the process of dropping her, every time she calls you lucky, just reply aren’t you lucky to still have your mum.

She is jealous, I just had this issue with a friend, constantly making shady comments that I felt I had to justify myself like saying I brought things on credit.

I cut her off do not keep jealous people around you and it’s always the ones who are lazy and don’t want to work. You want nice things you work simple as

I think I’d be telling this “friend” to fuck off to be honest. Insensitive and jealous.
If this is what she’s saying to your face, what is she saying to other people?

Hi op sorry for your loss I think your friend is so envious that’s she’s not even hearing herself. Op if she says it again or something similar I think you need to remind her a loss of a parent at such a young age is far from lucky and if she thinks this then she she very much mistaken and if anyone is lucky it’s her. Op just remind her she basically has had everything handed to her on a plate and if you were to have four children you definitely would not be entitled to so much help financially so in your eyes you think she’s the lucky one. If your roof caved in you would have to pay for the repairs if her roof caved in she would be rehoused and it all paid for by someone else.

Ask her where she thinks she gets her benefits from. From people like you who have worked hard and paid taxes.
Frankly I wouldn't bother seeing her. You don't enjoy the friendship.

You're in a better financial position than her. No matter how you got it it's true. Lots of people lose parents, it doesn't equal housing stability. Give her a break.

I suggest you don't explain or justify yourself. Keep away from her physically and block all messages. Have enough respect for yourself and rid people like this.