Friends comments about our lifestyle, house and inheritance

[summerSt68xol]

Both DH and I have been working full time since we finished education. We don’t have kids. We rented for 7 years and just bought our first home together, thanks to some savings and an inheritance from my mum who passed away in 2024. We’re doing well after some promotions at work and don’t have to stress about money, but it hasn’t always been this way or easy for us. We’ve never claimed any benefits, not that we’d qualify for them anyway.

A close friend of mine has 4 kids. She separated from their dad last year. She’s always worked part time, to be fair. Her ex hardly ever worked (he had one job a few years back that lasted only 3 months) and he’s always been lazy with no real goals (her words). They’ve mostly relied on benefits. They used to live in a 2 bedroom flat when they had 3 kids, but after having their youngest, they were moved to a more suitable property. I bring this up because people on here often say that circumstances change after having kids, and maybe they could afford it before, but that’s not the case here. In my opinion, they were never in a strong enough financial position to have 4 kids (she’s said this herself to be fair), but they’re here now and very loved, so it’s all good. I just wanted to provide some context before anyone thinks I’m bashing benefits. I’m not, it’s just the reality.

So, as I mentioned earlier, DH and I just bought our first house. We managed to do this through our savings and some inheritance. My mum passed away a couple of years ago and left us a bit of money. Since then, friend has been making comments about how lucky we are to have bought a house, and how fortunate we are to have had some help, plus remarks about our cars and furniture and how we’re lucky to afford them (we bought the cars before the inheritance, so I’m not sure where she’s getting that from. We both drive Fords, not exactly Range Rovers and they are on finance not bought outright). We also have a holiday planned for June (our first in 5 years), and she’s commented on that too! It’s really grating on me now. I find it insensitive for her to keep saying “lucky” since I only received that money because my mum died. We’ve also put in a lot of hard work over the years, climbing the career ladder like many others!

Couldn’t I say she’s lucky to have had 4 kids? A lovely home? A flexible job? Time with her kids? Support from the Government? Why is it a one way thing and only we’re lucky? I know I will get accused of bashing benefits, people can’t discuss the topic here without someone saying it, but I’m just really tired of it and feel like I want to give up on this friendship. AIBU?

I really feel for you as each time she mentions the inheritance and your "luck" it must feel as if she is twisting the knife in and sucking out all the joy of buying your first house.

I understand how the "lucky" comments can be so triggering as I was able to buy a house earlier than my peers as I could not have children. I would have preferred to have a family but I tried to make the best out of the luck I was given.

In my experience, telling her that she is the lucky one (if she still has a parent) or because she is a mother of four children won't make any difference as she jealous and is triggered every time she visits or sees you by the different paths you are on.

If it helps you, try and reframe her comments as yes you are the lucky one to have had such a lovely mum who passed on her common sense and fortitude to you as well as an inheritance.

All the lucky comments I received about being an early homebuyer helped frame my attitude to life. See if it helps to reframe and to think how lucky you are to have had a great mum and how lucky you are to have a friend whose comments reminds you of your mum and what your mum passed on to you; her character and strength.

One of the biggest surprises for me growing up was realizing that a huge proportion (I'd argue the vast majority) of adults struggle with envy, and will always be a little bit bitter about what they don't have.

You see it on these threads daily, anyone on over 50k gets told they've nothing in life to complain about. It's a constant race to the bottom.

My own friends do it to each other, anyone that buys a bigger house or car or anything else significant gets a few comments behind their back (NOT from me) about how lucky they are, "god I wish I had that sort of money must be nice" etc. It's exhausting.

Tell her how you feel and keep it minimal. This is healthier than slow fading. Don’t spend energy wondering why she keeps saying it.

I agree it’s very annoying. My friend always said “The harder I work the luckier I get”

She sounds tedious. Maybe just ask her to tell you how your much loved mum dying of cancer when she was so young, can be construed as lucky, quite aside from all the hard work and saving you've done over the years.

She is jealous of what you have but not of what it took to get there.

Sorry I accidentally hit YABU but I meant YANBU!
you obviously would rather have your mum.

Jealousy is an ugly trait and this doesn’t sound like a true friend xx

It's not about the benefits, it's about her jealousy and barbed comments. Completely insensitive of her to even mention finances given that you've lost your mum.

This "friend" sounds lazy (only worked part time even when husband wasn't working 🙄), entitled and jealous and quite frankly I'd end the so called friendship.

I earn considerably less than all of my friends (literally 2/3/4 times less) but would never comment on their lifestyle or finances except positive conments eg "love the new kitchen" etc

As someone who relatively recently lost my mum at 61 to cancer I totally understand all of your feelings. I haven't got my inheritance yet, and it makes me so sad that the majority of it is from a pension my mum didnt live long enough to receive. After reading this context I'd 100% drop this "friend". Major life changing events show who your real friends are! PS Mcmillan referred me for bereavement counselling at a local hospice which I found helpful so perhaps this is something you may wish to explore

You can change it to YANBU by simply clicking YANBU instead. I tried it when I made the same mistake -glad I could fix it.

Why do they sound unhappy??

Just drop her as a friend now. It is is t going to work out. You are increasingly moving in different circles and it’s only going to get more pronounced as time moves on as you get more more successful and build wealth and her situation stays the same, leading to ever increasing envy.

She chose to have 4 kids ffs. What does she expect? Plus you lost your mum.. aren’t you lucky! I’d snap if she kept on!

Except that working hard at a career and being financially responsible isn't due to luck at all.

Lucky is being born into a society that supports those members who are so under productive, through no physical or mental disabilities, that they require the taxation of others to ensure they are provided for.

Quite frankly, "luck" is often used to mask the jealousy of others.

They are as that is what they have repeatedly voted for. The alternative is less support for single parents meaning many will be forced to stay in unhappy marriages.

I would never dream of talking to a friend like this. I would tell her exactly what you've told us on here. If she doesn't reign it in then I'd be absolutely dropping the friendship. But to be honest it's clear what she thinks of you / she is jealous and a bit bitter, especially to keep bringing it up. So I'd be distancing myself regardless.
So sorry about your mum OP.

It can be. But I’ve also seen many times people disregarding their completely unearned fortune of birth - health, parents, wealth, country of birth etc. and putting their success purely down to hard work.

People like to point out the luck of people accessing benefits but not the luck of just happening to be born into a good family at the right place and time. Acknowledging these facts doesn’t take away from their hard work it just shows that the person is realistic and self-aware.

Once you can acknowledge your own advantages in life you’re more likely to have empathy for others who haven’t had such a lucky hand in life.

I’m probably twice your age and would give back my inheritance no question to have my mum back. I am so sorry for your loss, mine was a couple of years ago for me too and I miss her constantly. I bet you do too.

She’s crass. Dump her. As you do better she’ll only get worse: my sister makes comments like this to me snd has done so for 20 years - she’s angry that I’m happily married you see which makes her a snippy snidey bitch.

Your friend is not your sister so you don’t have to put up with that.

‘Well, if I’d chosen to have four children with a lazy, workshy loser….’

That’s what I’d feel like saying to her! But in reality…

I agree. You may not want to cause a drama but mix more with other friends who have similar lifestyle and values. You dont want to have to make excuses for the fact you work and save and are therefore able to buy a home and have holidats

This ^

I’m really sorry OP. Having a friend say you’re “lucky” for your inheritance is just brutal. Was she sympathetic and a good friend when you’re mum died?

I think this is your friend lashing out, kidding herself she’s just unlucky rather than admitting it’s her own decisions that have led her to the difficult situation she’s in.

It sounds like these comparison digs started after her partner left. Whilst you can be sympathetic and understand why she’s making these remarks, in my experience once someone starts with the “must be nice” comments it doesn’t get any better. They have to keep doing it to feel better about themselves / kid themselves that you didn’t earn it and that they just were dealt a bad hand. Grating when your situation is the result of hard graft and bereavement.

The next time it starts, have a few responses ready - the galling thing is just politely absorbing these comments. “I’m lucky for losing my mum?” “I’d trade my inheritance for my mum any day.” “Bereavement and years of hard graft isn’t luck”.

I think the money feels different as well. We're inherited a lot when I lost both my parents and although they wanted me to have the money, I just can't think about it without feeling devastated that they're gobe.

One of my close relatives commented that I was lucky to have money too and I didn't say anything but I did think I feel anything but. I haven't even spent any even though our house needs work and our car is on its way out.

Sorry for your loss op, I never talk to anyone about finances for that reason , people get weird about money. Your friend can't be that dense that she doesn't recognise you've lost both parents and have no siblings to rely on for emotional support. I'd have a word once and explain her calling you lucky is horrible and if she carried on I would spend less and less time with her.

I would keep things close to your chest and stop telling her anything.

You sound like a normal couple. I would snap back exactly what you said to us ‘It’s a Ford Focus Sarah, not a Roller, we’re just a normal couple.’

Very lucky that your mum has died,is essentially what she's saying 😡She's awful. Why are you still friends with her? 😦😞