Friends comments about our lifestyle, house and inheritance

[summerSt68xol]

Both DH and I have been working full time since we finished education. We don’t have kids. We rented for 7 years and just bought our first home together, thanks to some savings and an inheritance from my mum who passed away in 2024. We’re doing well after some promotions at work and don’t have to stress about money, but it hasn’t always been this way or easy for us. We’ve never claimed any benefits, not that we’d qualify for them anyway.

A close friend of mine has 4 kids. She separated from their dad last year. She’s always worked part time, to be fair. Her ex hardly ever worked (he had one job a few years back that lasted only 3 months) and he’s always been lazy with no real goals (her words). They’ve mostly relied on benefits. They used to live in a 2 bedroom flat when they had 3 kids, but after having their youngest, they were moved to a more suitable property. I bring this up because people on here often say that circumstances change after having kids, and maybe they could afford it before, but that’s not the case here. In my opinion, they were never in a strong enough financial position to have 4 kids (she’s said this herself to be fair), but they’re here now and very loved, so it’s all good. I just wanted to provide some context before anyone thinks I’m bashing benefits. I’m not, it’s just the reality.

So, as I mentioned earlier, DH and I just bought our first house. We managed to do this through our savings and some inheritance. My mum passed away a couple of years ago and left us a bit of money. Since then, friend has been making comments about how lucky we are to have bought a house, and how fortunate we are to have had some help, plus remarks about our cars and furniture and how we’re lucky to afford them (we bought the cars before the inheritance, so I’m not sure where she’s getting that from. We both drive Fords, not exactly Range Rovers and they are on finance not bought outright). We also have a holiday planned for June (our first in 5 years), and she’s commented on that too! It’s really grating on me now. I find it insensitive for her to keep saying “lucky” since I only received that money because my mum died. We’ve also put in a lot of hard work over the years, climbing the career ladder like many others!

Couldn’t I say she’s lucky to have had 4 kids? A lovely home? A flexible job? Time with her kids? Support from the Government? Why is it a one way thing and only we’re lucky? I know I will get accused of bashing benefits, people can’t discuss the topic here without someone saying it, but I’m just really tired of it and feel like I want to give up on this friendship. AIBU?

Oh good, another benefit’s bashing thread. Working people who claim UC due to the low wages in this country do pay taxes btw.

Im sure it’s a piece of cake for your single mother friend juggling part time work and 4 kids with a completely useless ex who doesn’t work and is unlikely to be paying much CMS.

I feel completely comfortable about saying this as someone who only received inheritance because I lost my mum too soon in horrible circumstances. Just be honest and tell your friend that the word ‘lucky’ is triggering for you, and rightly so, because you would have your mother in a heart beat. But bear in mind that, on most other fronts, you are actually very lucky and that your views on your friend’s circumstances are very harsh.

You are lucky to be in a position not to need to claim benefits which, regardless of what the DM says, most people don’t want to need to claim. Your luck might run out one day and one of you might get ill and become unable to work or you might be made redundant. You might need the safety net we all pay for through taxes. Let’s hope others don’t look down their nose at you because of it.

Maybe the better response would be, "I'd give all of this up for another 10 minutes with my mom. She did help make this possible though."

And then every time she brings it up, "yep, mom did us good. Too bad she had to die for us to get here."

Every time.

This isn’t really fair.

The friend knew her ex had no job and was in the friend’s words ‘lazy and had no goals’. Friend chose, nevertheless, to have four children with him. Good for her for working p/t with 4 kids, but family only ever had one part time wage to support them all.

That wasn’t misfortune, it was a choice. It wasn’t redundancy or a disability caused by accident or illness.

The inheritance is only a part of the OP’s income. The friend, having made her decisions, is carting on about luck being the basis of the OP’s financial comfort. It isn’t luck, it’s (for the most part) different circumstances. Which are 2 f/t incomes (and no children)

And given that the lack of work was not a result of an unexpected job loss etc etc, the friend IS bloody lucky that there is a welfare state to make sure she and her kids have a big enough home and don’t starve!

So how is it ‘benefit bashing’?

Not having sympathy with the envy of a person on benefits is not the same as benefit bashing.

Oh OP, you have dealt with huge loss and grief.
Step back from this utter twit.
She's toxic.

Tell her this. Funny how the harder you work the luckier you become! She can’t afford her family and should be graceful for what she does have.

• grateful

Your lives are chalk and cheese.

Just saying, yeah we are lucky. So are you, just in different ways.

Which is true.

Time for a slow breakup.

I would be quietly dropping the rope on this friendship by gradually becoming less and less available. What are you going to do when your friend begins to ask you to "loan" her money which she will never be in a position to repay?

Laughing emoji is pretty insensitive. I think most people who have lost their mum (if they had a good relationship) would acknowledge that they are fortunate to receive anything, but would trade it in in a heartbeat for their mum still being around.

I came from a truly terribel background and made all the right choices. never had any debt except for mortgage, world hard to get my dream career in academia in a subject I was passionate about, never had any substance issues, never drank to excess and never smoked. then I submitted my PhD and went into psychosis from which ive never recovered nine years later. I have plenty of material things but they mean nothign. my mum left me an inheritance and half a share of a property in Italy but my life is nothign with a mental state like this. I enjoynnothing and my beautiful marriage os horrible now. what makes me most angry is that the wring choices I made were working too hard and not looking after my needs and in fact not spending money when I needed to

"Many people go through all that and don't have an inheritance that allows them to have a very nice house and holidays. You are lucky to have that. Many, many don't, and still have the same heartache."

One reason for not receiving an inheritance is because the parents were elderly and had to pay to live in a nursing home so they had very little money left. But most people don't lose their mother when they are young. It is tragic and incredibly sad that her Mom passed away at 51. It is a huge loss to OP and I am sure she does not feel very lucky.

This! 😂

Tell her the harder you work the luckier you get. Your friend is jealous and insensitive. Its not your fault she chose a deadleg husband and had kids she couldn't afford. She has plenty of things to be grateful for. Tell her what you've posted. If she's a true friend she'll understand why you're upset.

On the inheritance thing, Dh and I aren’t likely to be getting much in the way of inheritance and thats absolutely fine. But DD is, I’m going to die either way and I do happen to think she’s lucky we’ll have something to leave her, she’s done nothing to earn it but she just happened to have parents who are able to do that. That is the luck of the draw.

I do think though a lot of stuff people do is within their control. Life isn’t fair but people do sometimes make choices that make their own lives harder (having 4 kids with someone who is useless is one of those choices, it’s fine if your kids are worth it to you but do it consciously and own it). Done stupid things myself so I’m not judging, it is what it is.

This. I'd give up my inheritance 10 times over of I get my lovely Mum back.

She is lucky to have 4 kids, and she is lucky she lives in a country where taxpayers are happy to fund the bill for raising them.

Be honest with her that you’re finding her comments upsetting. If she’s a good friend she’ll stop.

While you can’t separate the inheritance from losing your mum, she’s likely seeing it as two separate things. Of course losing a parent especially so young isn’t lucky but inheritance is. Everyone will lose their parents but not everyone will get inheritance. For me they are linked but can sit side by side rather than being intertwined.

You can’t have the person back so are left with what’s left - physically (money, possessions, admin, debt) and emotionally (love, memories, trauma, grief) - the good and the bad, and have to make your way forward from there.

Of course your mum would rather be here with you but for when she couldn’t be she planned for you to have this money to hopefully give you a helping hand in life. It sounds like you’ve used the money really well to do that. And with that and your own hard work you’re making a good life for yourself.

Whenever I go, I hope whatever I can leave my kids will make their lives a little easier or bring them some joy. It won’t take away the loss but I can hopefully help them in some way.

Do you not understand that someone had to die for them to get that inheritance. Fine if they are in their nineties but someone dying at 51 is not lucky.

Honestly, to me, you sound like you’ve got a guilty conscience for working hard and your mum dying and having everything you’ve got.
If you’re looking for permission to sass back to your friend? Have at it.
Say well, she might be more well off if she hadn’t had FOUR CHILDREN. Say maybe she’d be be more well off if she hadn’t chosen to procreate with THAT loser.
Say anything you want - she sure has.
I don’t need to tell you what to say the next time she calls you “lucky,” do I.
She’s gotten so comfortable with your friendship that she feels as though she can say any ol’ thing to you - manners be damned. So say something hurtful in return next time, and then then call her on it: hurts, doesn’t it. You never think before you speak.”

Bring the truth to her attention and maybe she’ll stop.
Maybe she doesn’t realise she’s hurting your feelings, so maybe you should tell her.
Done and done. ❤️

Jimmy Carr has a great analogy. Being successful is like winning the lottery, not everyone who works hard is successful. But to win you do need to pay & hardwork is the price so the harder you work the more likely you are to win. I know your mom passed and of course you’d much prefer her to be around. You are lucky though, you have a house, 2 cars, a partner and good jobs. Acknowledging your luck doesn’t diminish your hardwork.

as for your friend, she’s chose her path. 4 kids with a deadbeat dad isn’t your guilt to hold. You are not responsible for her choices. take away the stick she uses to beat you with & own it, I would say yes I feel lucky but I’d rather have my mom here, yes I’m lucky that all our hardwork paid off. For some it doesn’t. Id say we all make choices in life I’m grateful that mine are paying off. I wouldn’t apologise for being in a better financial place than her and I wouldn’t be made to feel bad about it either.

Why does she sound unhappy? She’s right. Having one baby after another with a deadbeat unemployed partner and when you only have a part time job yourself is waster behaviour. The welfare bill is going through the roof due to people like this,

Are tax payers happy though? It’s unsustainable.

"Four kids are an expensive life choice Jenny"

Agreed, I think this is what she is prepping OP for.