Friends comments about our lifestyle, house and inheritance

[summerSt68xol]

Both DH and I have been working full time since we finished education. We don’t have kids. We rented for 7 years and just bought our first home together, thanks to some savings and an inheritance from my mum who passed away in 2024. We’re doing well after some promotions at work and don’t have to stress about money, but it hasn’t always been this way or easy for us. We’ve never claimed any benefits, not that we’d qualify for them anyway.

A close friend of mine has 4 kids. She separated from their dad last year. She’s always worked part time, to be fair. Her ex hardly ever worked (he had one job a few years back that lasted only 3 months) and he’s always been lazy with no real goals (her words). They’ve mostly relied on benefits. They used to live in a 2 bedroom flat when they had 3 kids, but after having their youngest, they were moved to a more suitable property. I bring this up because people on here often say that circumstances change after having kids, and maybe they could afford it before, but that’s not the case here. In my opinion, they were never in a strong enough financial position to have 4 kids (she’s said this herself to be fair), but they’re here now and very loved, so it’s all good. I just wanted to provide some context before anyone thinks I’m bashing benefits. I’m not, it’s just the reality.

So, as I mentioned earlier, DH and I just bought our first house. We managed to do this through our savings and some inheritance. My mum passed away a couple of years ago and left us a bit of money. Since then, friend has been making comments about how lucky we are to have bought a house, and how fortunate we are to have had some help, plus remarks about our cars and furniture and how we’re lucky to afford them (we bought the cars before the inheritance, so I’m not sure where she’s getting that from. We both drive Fords, not exactly Range Rovers and they are on finance not bought outright). We also have a holiday planned for June (our first in 5 years), and she’s commented on that too! It’s really grating on me now. I find it insensitive for her to keep saying “lucky” since I only received that money because my mum died. We’ve also put in a lot of hard work over the years, climbing the career ladder like many others!

Couldn’t I say she’s lucky to have had 4 kids? A lovely home? A flexible job? Time with her kids? Support from the Government? Why is it a one way thing and only we’re lucky? I know I will get accused of bashing benefits, people can’t discuss the topic here without someone saying it, but I’m just really tired of it and feel like I want to give up on this friendship. AIBU?

Then I am surprised you are so lacking in empathy. How "lucky" you are not to care a jot about anyone else's feelings.

What a ridiculous statement. If that's what you've taken from my post, we have nothing to say to each other.

Happy people have the knack of looking on the bright side, counting their blessings, finding positives, enjoying silver linings, accepting life’s inevitable imperfection without resentment, rather than dwelling on what is wrong in their lives. Their lives may be no better objectively than the next person’s but they have the knack of a happy mindset, whether by luck or determination.

People who are stuck in unhappiness don’t have this knack. They can’t see past the thing(s) they are unhappy about.

People with the knack want to help them. They try every way they can think of to communicate how the trick works, to share their own good fortune.

Many unhappy people take offence. They feel attacked, as though the happy person is dismissing their very real problem, can’t possibly understand how hard their life is, is being patronising. They want to feel that they are being heard and supported rather than told they are living their life all wrong.

There is a massive gulf between the two mindsets which is very hard to bridge. Even between people who are very close. And perhaps it’s impossible to change a natural mindset inclination.

Nevertheless, I am a happy person and I DO believe that happiness lies in your mindset rather than in the objective facts of your life, even though these can of course knock you back.

I think that's really unreasonable actually.

It's not rude or nasty to point out that it is lucky to have an inheritance. It's not saying, oh you're so lucky your parent passed, is it. Neither is it saying "bet you'd rather keep that money than have the person back" and it's quite shitty to suggest that when we all know perfectly well that's not the case.

Person A and Person B both lose their much loved parent. Grieve. Struggle. Would do anything to have their parents back.

Person A got £500k inheritance and now lives mortgage free, totally changing their every day quality of life and can send their children loan free to university.

Person B got no inheritance. All the shit side of it, and nothing else.

Person A is of course perceived as lucky to Person B.

It does not mean Person B is calling Person A lucky for losing their parent. At all.

Just to point out, nowhere in my post did I say anyone is lucky to lose a parent and receive an inheritance.
I've lost my parents, I know nothing comes close to the sadness and grief that never seems to go away, no matter how long ago it was you lost them.
So for the poster who said I said people were lucky to receive an inheritance, learn to fucking read.

That was to @giraffeeyelashes

It never ceases to amaze me that people seem unable to grasp this.

OP is also in a hard place given that her mum died. Unlike the bitchy friend, her hard place is not of her own creation!

OP is also in a hard place given that her mum died. Unlike the bitchy friend, her hard place is not of her own creation!

It's different if someone says it not knowing the history or says it once perhaps without thinking before speaking but OPs jealous, entitled "friend" is repeatedly saying it.

Yeah I agree with this, lots of people seem to presume an inheritance is a given, when for many it isnt.

OP it sounds like you are both struggling in different ways; her with finances and you with the loss of your mum. If you are genuinely friends why not have an honest chat about things?

It’s not your fault that your mum died and provided something for you after she passed. It’s also not your fault your friend chose to have four kids with a feckless lazy dick who doesn’t do anything to provide for them. Your friend sounds jealous and bitter…. But she’s misdirecting the anger at you when she needs to take responsibility for her own choices and hold her partner accountable. Sadly I don’t see how your friendship can survive this immaturity

Or it may force people to be more careful about how they choose to live if there isn't a safety net when they mess up or even to try harder to make a relationship work rather than adopting the MN nonsense of LTB because he loads the dishwasher in a different, not wrong, way.

But some people lose their parents and also dont get an inheritance. Of course anyone would rather have their parents alive than money but losing a parent and getting an inheritance is better than losing a parent and having nothing

Next time it comes up & she says 'you're lucky' reply 'So I'm lucky I lost my Mum am I' then go on to explain that while you did get a bit of inheritance from your Mum most of what you have is through hard work & savings & that you didn't have the pleasure of benefits to support your life choices. Sounds a bit harsh but she need to understand that everyone has different lives & not to assume things about each others circumstances.

This fact is never acknowledged on mn.

Ever.