Friends comments about our lifestyle, house and inheritance

[summerSt68xol]

Both DH and I have been working full time since we finished education. We don’t have kids. We rented for 7 years and just bought our first home together, thanks to some savings and an inheritance from my mum who passed away in 2024. We’re doing well after some promotions at work and don’t have to stress about money, but it hasn’t always been this way or easy for us. We’ve never claimed any benefits, not that we’d qualify for them anyway.

A close friend of mine has 4 kids. She separated from their dad last year. She’s always worked part time, to be fair. Her ex hardly ever worked (he had one job a few years back that lasted only 3 months) and he’s always been lazy with no real goals (her words). They’ve mostly relied on benefits. They used to live in a 2 bedroom flat when they had 3 kids, but after having their youngest, they were moved to a more suitable property. I bring this up because people on here often say that circumstances change after having kids, and maybe they could afford it before, but that’s not the case here. In my opinion, they were never in a strong enough financial position to have 4 kids (she’s said this herself to be fair), but they’re here now and very loved, so it’s all good. I just wanted to provide some context before anyone thinks I’m bashing benefits. I’m not, it’s just the reality.

So, as I mentioned earlier, DH and I just bought our first house. We managed to do this through our savings and some inheritance. My mum passed away a couple of years ago and left us a bit of money. Since then, friend has been making comments about how lucky we are to have bought a house, and how fortunate we are to have had some help, plus remarks about our cars and furniture and how we’re lucky to afford them (we bought the cars before the inheritance, so I’m not sure where she’s getting that from. We both drive Fords, not exactly Range Rovers and they are on finance not bought outright). We also have a holiday planned for June (our first in 5 years), and she’s commented on that too! It’s really grating on me now. I find it insensitive for her to keep saying “lucky” since I only received that money because my mum died. We’ve also put in a lot of hard work over the years, climbing the career ladder like many others!

Couldn’t I say she’s lucky to have had 4 kids? A lovely home? A flexible job? Time with her kids? Support from the Government? Why is it a one way thing and only we’re lucky? I know I will get accused of bashing benefits, people can’t discuss the topic here without someone saying it, but I’m just really tired of it and feel like I want to give up on this friendship. AIBU?

I’d cut her out. She isn’t your friend. Friends don’t try to make other friends feel guilty.

You both have things to be grateful for in life. I don’t really understand why you’ve taken offence to what she’s said, it doesn’t sound like there’s any malice or even jealously involved.

You are lucky to have a career, cars, a house and inheritance. Like someone else said, even when someone dies, some people don’t get a single thing if the deceased has nothing or is young.

Whats the big deal?

She’s looking at her life and feeling a bit hard done by. Perhaps she’s feeling like she should’ve done stuff differently. To make herself feel better about her inadequacies she is labelling you “lucky”. It means she doesn’t have to take responsibility for the fact she might be regretting some life choices.
by labelling you as getting to where you are by “luck” it means she isn’t labelled as not getting there by “poor decisions” or “lazy un cooperative partner”. She where she is by “bad luck”, ie something out of her control and not her own life choices.
she can label you whatever she likes. You need to ignore it. Give yourself your own label (“hard work” “intelligent choices” “planning”) and be proud of it.

If she's a genuine friend when you say "I'm not lucky that my mum died and I'd appreciate it jf you'd stop saying so" then she'll be mortified and never say it again.

If she's not a genuine friend she'll defend her statement and say it again

The moral of the story is that you should not tell anyone about your finances. I don't because there will always be unwelcome comments.

Not unreasonable at all, she's chosen to spend her life on her back popping out babies with a waster, you've worked hard to build a secure life and she's jealous.

I am sure you would much rather still have your mum than the money, you would be "lucky" if you'd won it on a scratch card but to tell someone they are lucky because they have lost a parent is beyond insensitive.

She seems jealous and is feeding you negative energy/resentment. Could you dial back on the friendship?

I think you're spot on with your own suggestion. Absolutely praise and acknowledge the things about her life that are good. The best balm when you're feeling on the backfoot to people who have things you don't is to reminded its a two way street and you have good things in your own life. Phrase it exactly as you have here

Id probably start stepping away. IT doesn’t sound like
you have much in common anyway

It’s internal locus of comtrol vs external locus of control thinking. Yes your inheritance bumped you up but you would have eventually been able to buy a home with the mindset you and your Dh have anyway.

Some people think that life is all about luck and stuff “just happens”. They don’t see that they actively choose stuff. Other people are “lucky” because it’s easier to believe that than to believe you made a series of decisions which have brought you to where you are today. Yes people can suffer from catastrophic bad luck but most people are somewhere in the middle.

Either grey rock it or point out that you made different decisions but expect her to take that really badly.

Sounds like you’ve outgrown her as a friend, I would of told her you would rather have your mum than money but there we go.

Honestly, there's nothing like someone who's made bad life choices for resenting people who've been more careful. When I bought my first flat, a close friend repeatedly told me how lucky I was. It wasn't luck: I had a hefty mortgage and worked a dull 9-5 job while she had a glamorous career and an unreliable husband. Don't let anyone tell you that you don't deserve what you've got.

Thanks so much for all your responses and for being so understanding. Like someone mentioned earlier, I would pick my mum in a heartbeat over all of this stuff. I've never really cared about material things, they're nice to have, but just stuff at the end of the day. My dad passed away when I was 16, and with all my grandparents gone now and no siblings, my mum was really the only family I had left. We were very close, and I miss her so much. Maybe that's why the comments are getting to me. We usually see each other every couple of weeks, but she’s made these comments a few times now. Maybe saying I’d drop her is harsh. I might have jumped the gun on that one. I think she'd be really upset if she knew how I was feeling. And to the person who said not to talk about money, I totally agree. We don’t really discuss it, but we rented for years, and then my mum passed away, and we bought our house a year later, so I guess people just figured it out.

No do not give her a chance. She sounds horrible so she doesn’t deserve any sympathy. She made her 4 kids and made her choices. If she’s bitter about that then you are not her outlet

I wouldn't be explaining myself to anyone. Life's too short. I'd be distancing myself based on what you've said.

Someone said this to me years ago. That we were lucky to have inherited some money from my parents. Yes, so lucky that my parents died within 3 months of each other, leaving me bereft with grief.

I understand where you’re coming from. My mum died when she was 51 (which feels really young to me). She died from cancer but was active and healthy, going for walks every day until she became ill. It's always sad when someone dies, no matter their age, but her passing was so sudden and unexpected, and I'd much prefer having her here instead having of having a nice house or car

You on the other hand, sound a peach...

I don’t get why people always say they’re not lucky for their inheritance because they’d rather have their mum back. Most people lose their mum and are lumped with a funeral bill - of course you’re lucky to have an inheritance 🤣
Friend is rude to point it out though

Defo envy but unlikely to comprehend that it's not luck you worked hard to aim for a good lifestyle and is if losing your dear Mum could ever be construed as lucky you! Xx

Op everyone thinks everyone else has it easier, is luckier etc etc. even when they know that someone’s story isn’t easy they’ll say ‘but you’ or ‘at least’- I have two relatives who came from very little and are now really well off- all stories turned from ‘aren’t they amazing, god they need to take a break’ to ‘they’re so lucky’ with a big full stop. You’re both unlucky and lucky in different ways and hopefully the friendship gets back on an even keel but tbh I don’t think I’d find it easy to keep having to ignore lucky comments especially because of your mum (just my opinion, sorry x)

I guess the big deal is that my mum passed away unexpectedly at a young age, and I would rather have her here instead of money and houses…

I’m really sorry about your mum. That must have been so difficult and no doubt still is. You’ve had to deal with so much loss and from such a young age too. You are doing brilliantly all things considered and all thanks to you and your own efforts. Your mum would be so proud of you.

I’d say ‘amazing how this luck also took a lot of hard work and saving, plus the death of my parents’. Yes you have benefited from an inheritance which not everyone gets, but you made certain choices and so has she. Her ex doesn’t sound very good but she didnt have to have FOUR kids with him.
I also inherited - mainly the life insurance from my DH. He was self made and if anyone suggested I was ‘lucky’ to get this money they would get short shrift from me. Of course I could have received nothing, but what this money has cost me and my very young children is unimaginable.

It’s true though, I would rather have my mum back, as I’m sure most people would in that situation x