Friends comments about our lifestyle, house and inheritance

[summerSt68xol]

Both DH and I have been working full time since we finished education. We don’t have kids. We rented for 7 years and just bought our first home together, thanks to some savings and an inheritance from my mum who passed away in 2024. We’re doing well after some promotions at work and don’t have to stress about money, but it hasn’t always been this way or easy for us. We’ve never claimed any benefits, not that we’d qualify for them anyway.

A close friend of mine has 4 kids. She separated from their dad last year. She’s always worked part time, to be fair. Her ex hardly ever worked (he had one job a few years back that lasted only 3 months) and he’s always been lazy with no real goals (her words). They’ve mostly relied on benefits. They used to live in a 2 bedroom flat when they had 3 kids, but after having their youngest, they were moved to a more suitable property. I bring this up because people on here often say that circumstances change after having kids, and maybe they could afford it before, but that’s not the case here. In my opinion, they were never in a strong enough financial position to have 4 kids (she’s said this herself to be fair), but they’re here now and very loved, so it’s all good. I just wanted to provide some context before anyone thinks I’m bashing benefits. I’m not, it’s just the reality.

So, as I mentioned earlier, DH and I just bought our first house. We managed to do this through our savings and some inheritance. My mum passed away a couple of years ago and left us a bit of money. Since then, friend has been making comments about how lucky we are to have bought a house, and how fortunate we are to have had some help, plus remarks about our cars and furniture and how we’re lucky to afford them (we bought the cars before the inheritance, so I’m not sure where she’s getting that from. We both drive Fords, not exactly Range Rovers and they are on finance not bought outright). We also have a holiday planned for June (our first in 5 years), and she’s commented on that too! It’s really grating on me now. I find it insensitive for her to keep saying “lucky” since I only received that money because my mum died. We’ve also put in a lot of hard work over the years, climbing the career ladder like many others!

Couldn’t I say she’s lucky to have had 4 kids? A lovely home? A flexible job? Time with her kids? Support from the Government? Why is it a one way thing and only we’re lucky? I know I will get accused of bashing benefits, people can’t discuss the topic here without someone saying it, but I’m just really tired of it and feel like I want to give up on this friendship. AIBU?

Your friend was insensitive to call you ‘lucky’ for inheriting from your mum, leaving you bereaved with no family. But maybe she was simply thoughtless.

She’s lucky to have four (healthy?) children. But it must be so hard for her being a lone parent having left a partner who hasn’t adequately supported them. Like most of us, she likely chose to have her DC. But, that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t expect empathy for how hard it is.

Instead of comparing lives and luck, true friends don’t judge each other and instead have empathy for, and support, each other. They want the best for each other. As you go through life, good, long-standing friends are so precious. I hope you can have an honest talk, so you can have more empathy for each other.

Without family, if you ever have children, your friend will likely be a huge support.

I disagree that she's jealous/ugly traits.

You are lucky OP. Not that losing a parent is anything other than awful and my sincere condolences for your loss. However. Many people go through all that and don't have an inheritance that allows them to have a very nice house and holidays. You are lucky to have that. Many, many don't, and still have the same heartache.

Keep reminding her she made the choice to have 4 DC, which is a huge luxury you could never afford.

Some people get left a massive inheritance some get nothing, that’s life. But your friend chose to have 4 children - kids are expensive, and if you opt to work part-time that also costs you money. I know because I have been there - I only have 2 kids but worked part-time for 5 or so years when they were little but when back to full time when they went to school. But that 5 years cost me in pension contributions. We all make our choices and we have to live with them, but we don’t have control over whether we get an inheritance or not. I wouldn’t begrudge a friend in your circumstances - I think there’s jealousy at play here.

I thought the exact same thing about that comment. Hate the phrase popping out babies.

More generally, I also don’t understand why people see the friend through the worst possible light.

Saying ‘oh You’re lucky to have a nice car’ doesn’t make you an evil jealous cow, it’s a comment said without any thought or meaning. Is this really how people interact all throughout the day, assuming the worst of everyone and lashing out? Op and this woman as supposed to be longtime friends.

Sorry OP, I don’t think she is s a friend.

I read her behaviour as angling for you to offer her money as a loan or gift (originally I mistyped that a ‘grift’!).

Have the talk about the insensitive inheritance comments and tell her you don’t want to discuss money or anything related (lifestyle, car, clothes, holidays etc) again.

She will either realise she is being an idiot and apologise or you will suddenly see a lot less of her.

Just point out that she’s lucky that your taxes put food on her table and say “but it’s ok, you don’t need to thank me every time we meet”

Yes - say this to her.
On a more serious note, I would end this friendship.
She sounds like a begrudger, and she's likely to try and take advantage of you / emotionally blackmail you to subsidise her at some point.

I’m sorry for the loss of your mum.

In my experience people who say this are just jealous. It’s human nature to want what other people have but that doesn’t mean you have to express it. Lots of people told me I was lucky to inherit the family home. The fact that I lived there as their carer, had financially contributed to it and paid rent since I was 18 was overlooked. I’m jealous that they weren’t having to take old people to the toilet, feed them and sit with them in A&E on a Friday night when they were in their 20s but here we are. Funnily enough none of them wanted to inherit the debt that came with the estate…

I’d rather have my parents, you would rather have your mum. I’m sure if your friend was faced with that choice it would make her think differently.

What about 'well I'd rather have my mum' and then silence. People are jealous of everything. Everything. So just drop it right back to her and leave it hanging. How she responds will tell you everything you need to know.

What a strange statement. You sound very unhappy.

Your "friend" is not really a friend and she's jealous of your living circumstances vs her. I agree with the poster above that she's trying to soften you up for asking you for money, although kind of negging you and being so insensitive about your mom's death is a poor way to go about that.

She's trying to make you feel guilty about what you have.

Probably so you'll give her some money.

To her, it doesn't matter that you guys worked hard, saved and had an awful life experience. She chose to have 4 kids with a loser but she feels entitled.

I'd cool down that "friendship" and grey rock the hell out of her.

Tell her to shut the fuck up and if you want her opinion you will ask for it - fucking arsehole.

I would say what you have said here. She is lucky to be supported to have four kids when she can’t afford it. I would have loved to do that but I made the mistake of going to uni, saving for a deposit, and waiting till I was financially secure. And here I am at 41 with a three month old and no time for anymore!

I can understand why her comments are getting to you.

Comparison is the thief of all joy.

She is lucky to have 4 children - some would do anything for just 1 child.

She is lucky to work part time and get help from the government - some single parents are working 3 jobs and get no help.

I could go on and on and on.

You have obviously worked hard for what you have. I think inheritance is one of them things… it’s not lucky per say but some people lose their parents and have to foot the bill for funerals etc and their parents didn’t have anything to pass down. Me and DH are “lucky” I say in “” because we will inherit from both sides. Grief is horrendous and you’re not lucky you’ve lost a parent - but it sure does help and some people could only imagine what it would be like to be left a large sum.

Just say “Look, it’s not ‘luck’, it’s different circumstances. We have 2 f/t incomes and no kids to support. You have 4 lovely kids. Different lives. And it certainly isn’t lucky to have lost my Mum. So can we just accept all that? I don’t want it to affect our friendship “

My partner has been left a house by his late dad.. My partner's parents are now gone. His sister he lost when she was just a kid in her 20's. He doesn't feel 'lucky'. It hurts, a heck of a lot and he has no immediate family left.

Am sorry OP, your friend is jealous. A true friend may reflect on your different life choices, but they'd not keep on about it. A true friend is happy for you if you're happy.

Im sorry youve lost your Mum, thats horrible. Your friend is probably stuck in a bad place and feels sorry for herself and then isnt really thinking about what she says. I think you shoild just tell her.

Then also enjoy your holiday x

I’d just say you find the comment that you’re lucky a little insensitive given you only bought the house as your mum died. I don’t think some people realise they are being offensive.

That said, I do agree that we all lose our parents, but we don’t all get left money. So we are fortunate if we are left money. My two close friends lost their mum’s in the last 2yrs, one was left with no inheritance and has had to chip in to ensure her step dad can remain in the house they owned as they had an interest free mortgage and he is struggling to pay it on his own. The other inherited over 400k. Both lost their mum and of course the friend with 400k would rather her mum back, but her life will be easier going forward for herself and her own DC, but not so for other friend.

Whether that’s luck, or hard work / better financial decisions and / or investments on part of one set of parents I don’t know. But it is rude to make such comments. Hopefully once pointed out, she will stop making comments. Maybe point out some of the luck she has. Lucky to have state help even with 4DC.

If you want to keep the friendship, and if she continues to make these comments on how lucky you are, I think I would have to just be honest with her. I wouldn't draw any comparisons between the two of you, because that wouldn't go over well, but I would point out that you've worked hard for what you have and that you find it difficult to be told that you are lucky when the 'luck' came as a result of losing someone you love. She might not like to hear it, but maybe it would give her some food for thought.

I also wouldn't feel guilty if I found I needed to distance myself slightly from this friend Maintaining friendships can be a challenge when you have such different lifestyles and circumstances.

Totally unacceptable of her. Be blunt- ‘do you mean lucky my mum died?’ ‘Well you know what they say the harder you work the luckier you become!’ Have a few planned responses. She has made her life choices and you made yours (and had something devastated thrust upon you).

I prefer the word 'fortunate' to 'lucky'.

I would simply say that you would much rather your mother was here than you having the inheritance, and that your husband and you have chosen career moves rather than having children, which she chose to do, so luck has nothing to do with it, the life you and your friend lead is the result of life choices and nothing to do with luck

then I would finish with please stop talking about this now, my mother had to die for me to get an inheritance

This, exactly. Four children and social housing, benefits = lucky, actually. In a totally different way to you!

"but I also think inheritance is lucky. Everybody dies, not everyone leaves an inheritance"

This. OP is lucky to have had an inheritance even if she was unlucky that her mother died. She's also lucky to have been able to climb up the career ladder. Many people can't and it's not necessarily about how hard they work.