Friends comments about our lifestyle, house and inheritance

[summerSt68xol]

Both DH and I have been working full time since we finished education. We don’t have kids. We rented for 7 years and just bought our first home together, thanks to some savings and an inheritance from my mum who passed away in 2024. We’re doing well after some promotions at work and don’t have to stress about money, but it hasn’t always been this way or easy for us. We’ve never claimed any benefits, not that we’d qualify for them anyway.

A close friend of mine has 4 kids. She separated from their dad last year. She’s always worked part time, to be fair. Her ex hardly ever worked (he had one job a few years back that lasted only 3 months) and he’s always been lazy with no real goals (her words). They’ve mostly relied on benefits. They used to live in a 2 bedroom flat when they had 3 kids, but after having their youngest, they were moved to a more suitable property. I bring this up because people on here often say that circumstances change after having kids, and maybe they could afford it before, but that’s not the case here. In my opinion, they were never in a strong enough financial position to have 4 kids (she’s said this herself to be fair), but they’re here now and very loved, so it’s all good. I just wanted to provide some context before anyone thinks I’m bashing benefits. I’m not, it’s just the reality.

So, as I mentioned earlier, DH and I just bought our first house. We managed to do this through our savings and some inheritance. My mum passed away a couple of years ago and left us a bit of money. Since then, friend has been making comments about how lucky we are to have bought a house, and how fortunate we are to have had some help, plus remarks about our cars and furniture and how we’re lucky to afford them (we bought the cars before the inheritance, so I’m not sure where she’s getting that from. We both drive Fords, not exactly Range Rovers and they are on finance not bought outright). We also have a holiday planned for June (our first in 5 years), and she’s commented on that too! It’s really grating on me now. I find it insensitive for her to keep saying “lucky” since I only received that money because my mum died. We’ve also put in a lot of hard work over the years, climbing the career ladder like many others!

Couldn’t I say she’s lucky to have had 4 kids? A lovely home? A flexible job? Time with her kids? Support from the Government? Why is it a one way thing and only we’re lucky? I know I will get accused of bashing benefits, people can’t discuss the topic here without someone saying it, but I’m just really tired of it and feel like I want to give up on this friendship. AIBU?

That’s awful. I’m so sorry. Do you still speak to that person?

I would tell her what you think! Shes being a knobhead

Thank you so much, that’s incredibly kind of you to say xx

Tell her how you feel. Maybe she is clumsy with words and not sure how to say that she is happy that you have achieved what you have or that she feels like it's impossible for her to achieve the same. Sometimes people do say things wrong and come off insensitive. You've probably done it yourself at some point. It isn't worth losing a friend over, especially without giving her the opportunity to change it by telling her how you feel.

another vote for this.

When you get to a particular age OP, the consequences of your choices (and plain old chance!) come to fruition. You’re probably at the start of that period and it will only intensify over the next ten or so years.

Friends you had when you’re young will be in. vastly different position to you. It’s just the way life works. Your friend clearly feels a bit short changed somehow or maybe has a bit of a chip on her shoulder. It is what it is and it will pass.

She's hinting OP...

When someone says to my bf he is lucky to have been able to have a house so young. He always says that losing a mum when you're 20 really is a blessing. That usually ends the conversation.

I would be asking her if she knows what contraception is
You make your bed and you lie in it, was one of my mothers pearls of wisdom

Choices you’ve made…..choices she’s made….

I would interrogate her 😂.

Next time she says you are lucky about something say "Why do you think I am lucky?"
Why do you think that?

Why do you think it's luck that I have the job that |I have?
etc

EAch time just wait for her to give some shit answer. So you say yes but why do you think that?

Hopefully she will realise what rubbish she is talking.

I think Id respond to say 'It's not luck. Me and DH have worked hard to maximise our earnings, we're not supporting the cost of kids and I lost my mum so the inheritance has also contributed more recently'. Then you're not slagging off her choices but making clear its not about luck, but just about facts. The use of 'luck' is annoying. Maybe saying stuff like this could help her to understand her framing of it is quite insulting?

Depending on how many hours she's working, she'll be paying taxes too. 🙄

@summerSt68xol I'm sorry for the loss of your mum. 💐 I'm sure you'd rather have your mum than any amount of inheritance.

“Oooh a lovely holiday. Aren’t you lucky!”

”well, not really. DP and I both work __like stink, barely see each other and have very very stressful jobs. Plus I’ve lost my mum. So, no. Not lucky, really, At All”.

Fix with gimlet stare. And very much put the insensitive jealous mare on the back burner.

Was it Winston Churchill who said something along the lines of 'funny how the harder I work, the luckier I seem to get, isn't it?'

I'm very sorry for your loss. No amount of money can ever be worth losing my parents.

A few years ago we came into a lot of money, fortunately not due to inheritance and we managed to pay off our mortgage, buy a bigger house etc. It's been quite painful to see a couple of friends and family members change their attitudes towards us and throw the odd snide comment. We get it, but it's just sad that a change of lifestyle, circumstances and indeed, envy cause friendships to drift. I wish it didn't.

I’ve found the word “inheritance” brings out the worst in certain people x

From experience you only have to say once, sharply “I’d give it all back for my mum being alive” and they’ll knock it off.

Oooohhjj look at youuu!!!!

I’d say yeah I’m really lucky my mum is dead

I read a saying that has always stuck with me:

The harder I work, the luckier I get!

That would piss me off too. I have had similar comments made because I am in a better financial position than some friends and colleagues. I keep it quiet and don't go on about money ever so I feel it's unfair to make jibes at me. I think you need to somehow tell her to keep her comments to herself.

Its also probably because you don't have kids. I have 3 kids and a close friend who is child free with her partner. Every time I'm around them I feel a bit jealous, I have to bite myself sometimes to not pass a comment. Of course someone who doesn't have children is wealthier, it's so obvious it doesn't need stating. Its also the hobbies they have time for, the holidays, the lazy weekends and social lives. We probably have the same income households but they live a charmed life by comparison. of course i love my kids and these are my life choices, but it would be wrong to say no one ever goes through life with no moments of jealousy or stabs of regret. I feel on MN there is low empathy for this, everything comes with a price tag and it's ok to have moments where the grass is greener. It would be unnatural not to. There may be moments when you feel envious of her large family and that's ok too. The difference is you keep it yourself and don't make friends feel bad about themselves.

Enjoy your new home and your holiday op!
People are strange and love to put others down. Your mum wanted you to have this money and you also work hard. You’d rather have your mum around, but that’s life sadly.
Your friend sounds horrible to keep on at you.
I hope she realizes she is being silly and wises up a bit.

"Mostly relied on benefits" the op stated 🙄