to be fed up of crap fathers being excused from basic parenting?

[HazelMember]

I keep seeing posts (and hearing it in real life) where fathers somehow get a free pass for things mothers are simply expected to do without question.

Fathers who can’t cope with more than one child at a time.

Fathers who don’t wake up when the baby cries at night because they “didn’t hear it”.

Fathers who are “no good with babies” so the mum just has to deal with it.
Why is this still acceptable?

Mothers don’t get a choice. They have to hear the baby. They have to cope. They have to function even when exhausted. Yet men sleeping through the night is treated like an unfortunate quirk rather than a problem that needs fixing.

Do not even get me started on when a mum goes away for a few days and feels obliged to prepare food, clean the house, label things, and generally make life easier for the father when this is almost never done in reverse.

If a father is “crap” at parenting, the solution isn’t for the mother to carry more of the load. It’s for him to get better fast. That’s what parenting is. You don’t opt out because it’s hard or unfamiliar.

What makes it worse is that sometimes even mothers make excuses for it calling men “good dads” for the bare minimum or explaining away genuinely poor parenting as if it’s just how men are.

Before anyone jumps in: yes, obviously not all men are like this. Plenty of fathers are brilliant, hands-on and competent. This isn’t about them.

AIBU for thinking we need to stop normalising this and start expecting the same basic standards from fathers that we do from mothers?

Men and women are genetically different. Why do people think they can change that?

Yeah, cos it is always a woman's fault isn't it ? Ffs...

“Boys will be boys” eh?

The genetic differences don’t render men incapable of basic life skills. Plenty of men live alone, there are even some single fathers <gasp> and they all manage to get shit done without a mummy-wife to organise their lives for them. Stop with the gender stereotype bullshit, this is why men have got away with this for so long.

I got one of those 😕 she told me I deserved to be raped and it was my fault it happened! I was 8 years old! 🙁

I added that because women inevitably come rushing in to say how amazing their DHs are and how well they did to choose them.

I don’t get why the mum doesn’t give the dad a shove to wake him up. Then he’ll hear it.

I find that everything men can do, women can do with one hand. Shouldn’t have to, but like you say, it all has to be done anyway. So, we just get on with it. There’s only one thing they can do one-handed… I would say most women crack on, rather than argue. It’s sad, but true. But, really, not uncommon.

Sometimes they do, but the dad is being so slow and the child is getting more and more distressed so the mums get up themselves.

Exactly. DH is in bed now, was at the footie last night, off to a gig tonight. All of this news to me, not planned. Bank holiday weekend, here. Easier for me to get on with it than be lumbered with a great big sulking man-baby. So, I’m enabling it.

That's a perception, not necessarily a reality. I have lots of friends who are parents and no experience of unequal praise for mothers and fathers (good or bad).

Sure it will happen where there is bias towards males or females but not amonst generally fair minded people.

The worst of it is that lovely women stay with useless men rather than leave them, because leaving them would mean the kids having to spend time with the useless dad without her. Which she knows might result in their harm - dads who can't be arsed to get off the phone while child is picking a finger in an electric socket which dad can't be arsed to buy a safety cover for, dads who forget to close stairgates so kids climb upstairs because he's asleep on the sofa, dads who shout at kids when they're whining through boredom rather than get off their arses and take them for a walk etc etc etc.

I am sorry you have to deal with this.

Yes, and those of us who do leave the useless men are forever told it’s our fault for having kids with him in the first place, and we should have seen the non existent signs that things would have turned out this way.

Its not a perception. It happened, repeatedly. My competent dad friends would be quite insulted by it. Its anecdata sure and not statistically provable but please dont tell me i didnt see or hear what I did.

just take the post a few pages back, when poster said their husband is a great dad (no beef with this poster, and I am in no way saying her husband isn't a gread dad).
But the examples provided - nobody has ever said that someone is a great mum because she gives her DC breakfast and sometimes even stays home with sick kids, when her higher earning husband cannot. Nobody would think this is anything even worth mentioning, that's bare minimum for mothers.

Yes I would prefer he says no to kids so women leave him and find a better person instead of giving lazy excuses for why they are settling for trash.

But the bad for “bad father” is quite a bit higher than the bar for “bad mother”.

They do. There are two thread recently - one with a dad who can only be arsed to see his kid once a fortnight and one a dad saying he only wants to do 30% of childcare.

And there are posters defending them. Let’s not pretend a mother who did either of these things would be praised for being a good mother

Nonsense.

Absolute.

Nonsense.

This “genetic wiring” is always used to get men out of performing domestic labour.

A guy in my office with was bragging about this to another (male) colleague. They were behind me in the queue for coffee.

He said, and I quote: “yeah he was crying and I just pretended to be asleep. <laughs>. She wanted a baby she can get up with it”. Then they both laughed.

The oft quoted trope to excuse useless men.

Unfortunately I don't think it's that straightforward. This issue is so multifaceted...I know so many strong and incredible women who are really good judges of character, that have taken time to study and understand the partner they then procreate with. Some have even had relationship counselling prior to having children with them but this didn't stop the relationship breaking down when children came into the equation. Either due to the partner not doing the fair share, becoming disinterested/withdrawing, duping and love bombing them into thinking they will be a great parent or that a child will be the solution to the relationship issues...
Then we have some women who will tolerate poor treatment because they don't want to be alone. This includes having a child with that person meaning the child also suffers.
The child welfare infrastructure in this country also doesn't help. Child maintenance laws are more stringent in our countries. Societal pressures also still somewhat pedals the myth that a happy and complete home should have both parents no matter the cost...it's really sad...much work still needs to be done to change the narrative.

I agree. My partner does everything I do and I think that's normal parenting which should be expected from all men. I read stories on here and hear them in real life about men not doing anything and I just cant understand how women put up with it or have multiple children with them.

Nail on the head.

I literally said it might happen at times but it is complete perception to assume everyone or the vast majority of people behave that way.

Whether you've experienced that behaviour is irrelevant to that.