90 year old grandma and cousins’ stepchildren

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My grandma is 90 and there will be a massive afternoon party for just two hours in a hotel paid for my mum, aunt and uncle.

All her descendants, their partners plus nieces and nephews without partners and one surviving sibling and two of her surviving cousins, one with husband. The surviving sibling and cousins will have one of their children with them given their advanced age.

Grandma does not want my cousin’s two stepchildren invited , they are teenagers who live almost exclusively with their mother.

Cousin has said her husband doesn’t want her to go with her elder child and their joint child.

Elder child’s dad has stepped in and insists that he will take child himself and sit in bar to wait for him.

My cousin, brother of this cousin is coming home from Japan for this.

My aunt has said she will make sure their joint child will be there as well.

What for you all think about this? Is cousins’ husband unreasonable.

It all sounds very petty and pathetic to me, I certainly wouldn't be getting involved.

The children apparently spend most of the time with their mother. I did ask about this but didn't get any response, but wondered if the children would not normally be with father on the day. If they are virtually unknown to granny I can understand why she doesn't want to invite them.
And I am a step daughter and didn't expect constant invites from stepmother's extended family. Because they weren't my relatives. Although I was very fond of stepmother's brother in law, who was a right character.

There was an option for grandma is being unreasonable so I haven't voted.
But I think grandma is being very unreasonable. Coming from someone with step and half siblings and half and step nephews and nieces I can't understand her attitude. At family events like the one you describe the whole family is invited and that included step and half relations

Are these step relatives likely to invite the whole step family to their graduation, or wedding?

I am a stepdaughter - my dad has been with my stepmother for about 34 years, married for about half that time. She has no children of her own. I have never met one single member of her family. It’s never occurred to me until now that this might be unusual? I was late teens when they got together, perhaps that’s why. Reading some of the threads on here makes me pretty glad to be honest. Anyway, I’m team Granny. When you’re 90 you can do whatever the fuck you like. 😂😂

Sorry I don't think grandma is behaving like a nice person.at all. It doesn't matter that she is 90. I don't understand her attitude.
My mother was a step grandma and would never have behaved that way
She had a party for her 80th and all the step grandchildren, step children including my siblings stepchild from his ex wife were in the photos along with her biological children and grandchildren. There was no distribution between us. We were all her family.

If it helps, I can give you my dad's example from his 80th. He was, at that point, very much living his life in a "I've fulfilled my duties to all the people I owe a duty to, I'm proud of my children and grandchildren, I am satisfied with the life I've lived, now is a moment for me to enjoy my life's work". For him, his life's work - notwithstanding his incredible career - was his children and his grandchildren.

His step-grandchildren are not part of his life's work. He had no input into their childhood or upbringing. He didn't know them when they were babies, he wasn't there when they got home from hospital, he didn't go to their nativity plays or their violin recitals, he didn't fret over their lifelong chronic diseases, they didn't learn to read sitting on the couch next to him, he didn't help them with their times tables etc etc etc. Their own grandparents did that. He's very fond of their mother, his DIL, because she's been the best thing to happen to my DB. She's an amazing woman and everyone knows it and makes it known that they know. But those (now adult, and parents in their own right - my dad is actually a step-great-grandfather now) step-grandchildren are not members of my dad's family. Nobody is upset about this, everyone has their own family. I think if those children, when they were younger, had no other family of their own (through death, for example) things might have been different but we'll never know.

At his 80th birthday, when he felt like he didn't have much time left, he wanted to be surrounded by his family, not even his friends. That's who mattered to him and for the sake of 4 hours, everyone was happy to oblige.

He's still alive and well btw, so lots of sentimentality for nowt!

I'd be amazed if any of these teenagers care. I wouldn't want to go to a birthday lunch for some person that I don't know well.

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting a nice lunch with people you know well and have relationships with especially when it's likely to be your last milestone birthday.

What a nasty post take a look in the mirror

I wouldn't attend a family party where some of my children were excluded. And the non-excluded child wouldn't be going either.

But they are family. Very weird of grandma to think photos are ruined with the addition of step children of the family. Everyone participating in this photo is showing that they agree step children aren’t family.

What a strange hill to die on. Inviting all cousins and partners and extended or married family (the partners aren’t “blood” are they!) but excluding only the two step children. Gross behaviour.

Or even their birthday?

Of course granny wouldn’t get an invitation!

You think the behaviour is acceptable? What a world we live in.

How long have they been in cousin's life?

Totally. The insistence that they're essentially her grandchildren and must not be treated differently is really odd, she's just the grandma of their dad's new partner who they don't live with to them. If they lived with them and were round family all the time that would be different, but that's clearly not the set up here. I think there's some projection of personal sensitivities around blended families going on.

The dad cares. It's his way or the high way. That kinda guy.
And because of his controlling and pushy behaviour there is a nasty thread about someone's 90th birthday calling the birthday person nasty names.

@Abara32 there are many more threads on here where it is the stepdad's family not recognising the step kids and not inviting them to weddings etc, and the mother being upset and wanting her way and all her children being recognised, so I don't think it is a man thing at all

Granny is being a bit weird about it. If she’s inviting all her descendants plus a gang of spouses then it’s just petty to exclude 2 kids from a family with 4 kids. 2 extra teens isn’t going to break the bank and the photographer can be prepped to get the required photos. Most people have hosted parties where they have had to invite people they would rather not be there - friends husbands, unfortunate relatives, naughty kids etc. it’s just part of life. Idk why it’s so vital for granny to have a photo without these kids on or why it’s so hard to organise. They are teenagers who live mostly with the other parent - can’t their stepmum or another adult or the actual photographer just organise some group photos they aren’t in. It’s not like they don’t know that their dad is on his second family,

I couldn't really follow the complicated OP, but what self-respecting teenager wants to go to a birthday party for a 90 year old, for goodness sake?

I am afraid that I am another who thinks granny is in the wrong, especially as she is not paying for the party, and that the photo issue is a silly red herring. If there is a professional photographer they can be instructed to take whatever specific photos are desired. That's literally their job. If, afterwards, there are some photos granny doesn't want she doesn't have to see them, does she? I presume she isn't paying the photographer either?

My stepdaughter has invited my parents to her wedding, although she has not met them a great many times. I did bring her up though (but my parents don't live in the country where I live and where she grew up). Unless the party or event is very tight on numbers/budget, surely you invite all the people in the family who want to come, including stepchildren? (I agree though that these kids are quite likely to make excuses not to come).

If your cousin and her DH have a shared child, then these two unrelated children will be (should be) in each others' lives forever. So not entirely disconnected. Seems mean to exclude them.

If someone is on hand to make sure "dear" Granny gets the photos she wants - i.e. she has a list and clear instructions on who she wants in each, I don't know how your cousin's DH can override it? If you can't do it, could someone organise this and act as some kind of enforcer - clip board style? Not hard to do and probably a lot less awkward and divisive than excluding kids altogether.

Doubt a couple of teens would be fussed about being in formal pictures anyway, but it would be sad to miss a party.

Promoting that difference between siblings sounds unpleasant..the 'crimes' you relate don't sound heavy...

Way to put a taint on a celebration IMO

Step families are complex. I suspect that even with logical arguments for the children not being there, the only person who's getting it in the neck is your cousin.
She's getting grief at home for not taking them and grief from the family for trying to take them. Neither her her ex or her husband sound like nice people. There is a chance she feels to pushed and won't be there, then sadly how will your grandmother feel? You do need to be realistic about where this is going and try to see what does matter.

My family have a lot of step grandchildren. I can’t imagine any situation where all children wouldn’t be welcome in photos together. It would never be questioned.

It just feels a bit sad. If she’s such a lovely woman then why does she wasn’t to exclude children on this basis. Is this choice with her maybe if it’s explained to her this way she will want them there. Maybe there’s enough love and acceptance to go around!

My Grandpa is actually my Grandma’s second husband and no blood relation. He had no children or grandchildren of his own but is a wonderful grandfather and now great grandfather.

Families are made up in all sorts of ways. And I can see why the cousin’s husband is standing up for his family especially given the past exclusions you mention.

Your grandma can exclude them. But then others won’t come and there will be upset. Its a difficult choice for her to make if she’s adamant she doesn’t.