90 year old grandma and cousins’ stepchildren

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My grandma is 90 and there will be a massive afternoon party for just two hours in a hotel paid for my mum, aunt and uncle.

All her descendants, their partners plus nieces and nephews without partners and one surviving sibling and two of her surviving cousins, one with husband. The surviving sibling and cousins will have one of their children with them given their advanced age.

Grandma does not want my cousin’s two stepchildren invited , they are teenagers who live almost exclusively with their mother.

Cousin has said her husband doesn’t want her to go with her elder child and their joint child.

Elder child’s dad has stepped in and insists that he will take child himself and sit in bar to wait for him.

My cousin, brother of this cousin is coming home from Japan for this.

My aunt has said she will make sure their joint child will be there as well.

What for you all think about this? Is cousins’ husband unreasonable.

At age 90 I also don't think it would unreasonable to want to keep numbers to a certain limit and make a cut off somewhere.

Because she doesn't have a relationship with them, they don't live with her granddaughter, they are the children of her granddaughter's husband who live with their own mother - she doesn't spend time with them. That isn't the same as the step grandma you are close to, it's a completely different situation.

Why can’t dickhead (thank you pp) pay for his step children and you or whoever is paying for the photographer, brief them in advance - a strong assertive one will be able to deal with this without fuss. Who cares if they appear in a couple of pictures but granny gets the photos she wants? Then everyone is happy 🤷🏼‍♀️. If he doesn’t want to pay the. That’s rather simple.

I feel sorry for the Biological children in these cases... they can't even have a relationship with their grandmother etc without having to prioritise the step sibling... who is allowed to have a relationship with their own grandparents etc without an extra.

Yes, dead serious.
They are a blended family, you don’t include one child from a sibling group and exclude the other two. Needlessly cruel and as you can see, has caused fractures within the family and hurt feelings.
it’s ugly behaviour, but atleast they won’t have to put up with it for much longer!!!! Every cloud. 🤭

What terribly sad grim ‘family’ you all are. How painful that you are all so brittle on this occasion. I suggest that the cousins husband knows how cold, judgmental and exclusionary you all are and is just winding you up.

What free bar and buffet did the 8 year olds avail themselves of so much to offend or deprive you that you are still bleating on about it 6 years later?

That really is a horrible comment.

The invitations should be issued by the people who are paying for the event. Granny isn't paying.

So clearly these children spend time with the cousin and her husband as a family unit. They are her stepchildren and her other childrens (half/step) siblings.

When you say he takes them uninvited to family events, presumably he thinks the whole family is invited - as they should be. If it’s the dad’s weekend and there is an invite to visit PIL that means all of them! Or it should!

How close is her relationship with her granddaughter's husband and presumably the partners of other grandchildren? It's a family thing and they are considered family and so should step children. Vile to invite a sibling and excuse their other siblings. If it's about the photo that is easily solved.

And I'll ask again. Does that mean that granny has no say in who attends and the people paying could just invite their own friends? It's granny's party for crying out loud.

But Grandma isn’t paying. Just setting the guest list…?

If, because they’re paying, your mum, aunt and uncle are actually setting the guest list and don’t want to / can’t pay for everyone then they can just ask for a contribution from their children. That’s just the routine splitting of a bill for a meal.. no need for huge drama

it sounds more that the cousin’s parents (and some extended family) just don’t get on with her husband… he might be a dick, he might not, but the cousin now comes as a package with her husband and step children. Are they using Grandma’s strict photo requirements and wheeling out the cousin’s ex, to show him he’s disliked? And is he pushing back by saying they come as a family so no one comes? Maybe they can all find a way to rub along nicely for two hours for the sake of Grandma - invite the SC they’re nice kids and might not even come.

Laughing emoji? Nice.

i don’t think this is right. The ex-husband of OP’s cousin, who is the father of the cousin’s oldest child, has offered to take their shared child to the party. He will sit in the bar to wait.

OP’s aunt (mot(er of OP cousin) has offered to get the younger great-grandchild (the cousin’s shared child with her new husband) to the party.

OP’s cousin’s new husband is the one wanting to block the two blood great-grandchildren from attending the party, unless his own teenage children are also invited. One is not his child, so he has no right at all to stop them going. One is his shared child with OP cousin. His own children live with their mother, so presumably do not know OP’s family well and I imagine have barely met OP’s grandmother.

I can see why the great-grandmother does not want to invite two unknown and unrelated teenagers to her special party.

Doesn't sound particularly lovely to be so determined to dislike the children that she doesn't want their faces in a bloody photo.

To be honest the teens would probably just sit on their phones or something. It's hardly worth excluding them really as it's such a big gathering and they will hardly be noticed. That being said, it's not any of the children's fault so it does seem a shame that the biologically related children are being told they can't go when it is their family get together.

Granny sounds a real delight.

A photo of significance? Pushing his children forward.

If I were one of the teens I'd be glad to be spared her party anyway..

A photo “perfect” in Granny’s eyes

vs

innocent teenagers being shown they are not family

Granny is not being that nice, she can think what she wants about cousins husband but let the stepkids go

Perhaps ask if the step grandchildren can come, but not be in these photos? Ask the cousin to agree to this in advance. Then seat the step grandchildren as far away from her as possible. She won’t have to interact with them hardly at all and the photos will be as she wants them.

I don’t think this thread is going how OP anticipated 🤣🤣

She doesn’t sound like a lovely woman. She sounds very controlling and I would avoid the whole thing. It is not fair at all.

The Grandma barely knows the teenagers. They probably won't give a shit if they don't go - they live with their mother and would most likely rather be hanging out with their mates than going for a sit down meal with a room full of people they hardly know to celebrate an old lady's 90th birthday.

To say it would affect their mental health is a woefully ridiculous thing to say 🙄

Yes of course, why not? Fuck me, either throw a party properly or don’t bother throwing one at all.

But why would she want them in a family photo? They are nothing to her, they aren't her great-grandchildren. They live with their mother, she hardly knows them.

Just because her granddaughter has got together with their father doesn't make them her family. They've presumably got their own extended family, grandparents and great grandparents.

They're as someone else put it imposter descendants