90 year old grandma and cousins’ stepchildren

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My grandma is 90 and there will be a massive afternoon party for just two hours in a hotel paid for my mum, aunt and uncle.

All her descendants, their partners plus nieces and nephews without partners and one surviving sibling and two of her surviving cousins, one with husband. The surviving sibling and cousins will have one of their children with them given their advanced age.

Grandma does not want my cousin’s two stepchildren invited , they are teenagers who live almost exclusively with their mother.

Cousin has said her husband doesn’t want her to go with her elder child and their joint child.

Elder child’s dad has stepped in and insists that he will take child himself and sit in bar to wait for him.

My cousin, brother of this cousin is coming home from Japan for this.

My aunt has said she will make sure their joint child will be there as well.

What for you all think about this? Is cousins’ husband unreasonable.

It never ceases to amaze me the amount of posts I read questioning whether step children should be included in family functions even if they live together as a family unit.

In this scenario OP, of course it's not appropriate to leave them out.

Only because their dad and stepmum haven't sorted this out between them and presented a united front. Difficult situations arise all the time, in step- and non-step families. You can't go around blaming the world for your own inability to handle difficult situations, especially when it's a circumstance of your own doing (the cousin's dad shouldn't have married into a family that didn't see his children as members of their family).

RedToothBrush

So you think it’s acceptable for someone to pick up the bill for your kids or you would be happy to have at least £50 added to your bill to pay for your grandchild’s half siblings?

Well if they are usually forced upon the family by their dad that's surely the problem.

It shouldn't cause tension imo as the adults should help them deal with it & accept it.

They are handling it together though. By saying if one is invited they all are or they all don't go.

It's the extended family who aren't grasping this.

Agreed! My Step Grandma was wonderful at never excluding me. I was closer to her than my biological grandma

I think if you invite The Family you don't go 'you but not you'. Maybe it would make you make different arrangements that's all. Or Dad might not try and get FIL to pay because he'd be more willing to pay himself. Trying to get the FIL to pay is probably because FIL was being a dick in the first place.

Honestly if you aren't a dick people tend not to be a dick in return.

you would be happy to have at least £50 added to your bill to pay for your grandchild’s half siblings?

yes; yes I would.

grandma is completely unreasonable.

If she's your cousin, isn't this up to her parents to pick this up with her and not you?

Oh, the cousin and her DH aren't aligned, and they're not saying that they all go or none go. The husband is telling his wife that she's not allowed to go to her grandmother's 90th birthday meal if his children by another woman aren't invited. The cousin herself is quite happy to go with her own two children (one of whom is her husband's).

Does this mean your family regularly invites just two out of four children from one family to events? I will never understand this mindset.

He shouldn't expect FIL to pay for anyone, but if he's paying for the entire meal it would be rude not to include stepchildren in this.

It's not like they are the children of a fling, it's a long term relationship with a shared child. They should be treated as family at this point.

And yeah I probably would too. If it's such a big event for the family then it's £50 to keep the peace and not create a drama before it even starts.

Tell gran to invite them and pay the photographer to edit them out digitally afterwards. If cousin wants photos, he can take his own, or if you want to be nice you can send him the pre-digital altered versions.

You’re framing this in a strange way. They’re the daughter’s (or niece’s, or whatever) stepchildren.

Two of my stepsiblings have stepchildren. My dad and stepmum wouldn't dream of not paying for them when they treat us all. They are just treated as grandchildren.

Cousin’s husband is the dick. Why should he insist on the two teenage children who don’t live with him attending the 90th birthday party of a woman they aren’t related to?

Betcha the cousin’s eldest doesn’t go to the stepbrother’s other grandparents birthdays.

Then the CF will have to accept the consequences. No one goes and he doesn't get a free meal.

And that the family should pay for them!

But why? They live with their mum, not with their dad and stepmum. Why would they expect to go to the 90th birthday of a woman they aren’t related to? It’s not like they all live together, or they are small children being left with a babysitter.

Look no one is disputing this guy is a probably a total dick and a CF looking for a free bar

Granny has 2 choices and needs to decide what's important.
The WHOLE family and the GC she wants OR
holding the line and excluding the step cousins / having a missing GC or 2
(Its convoluted so I am not sure on numbers)

If its she wants everyone there ....
Invite dickhead and the kids and brief the photographer properly they are experienced.

They will take pics non relatives and out.
Do diff sets and groupings and manage him.
You then only have to look at the photos ypu want

I had this at my wedding i suspected db and sil would divorce so didnt want her in everything and there was mandatory invite who was an arsehole. Photographer did a superb job and it was as if neither were at the wedding!!!

Id try and schedule it so its not on the cousins husband contact day to be extra annoying,!!!!

I am a foster carer and am glad to say that whenever we are invited to a significant event any current foster children are included in that invitation - whether they have been with us for a day or 15 years. Very grateful that any extended family never leave a foster child out.

Teenagers she barely knows and who barely knows her not children

Its none of your business is it if cousin chooses to stand by her husband then that's her choice ,if your granma don't want sc there at the expense of her bio ones that's her choice .

This woman sounds petty and horrible OP.

I've no idea why you think she's nice.

It's just a bloody birthday party, not a royal wedding.

That’s the thing - you were close.
It doesn’t sound like the case here. She just wants a 90th birthday with her family.

Even wives/husbands are not invited - he’s just forcing things.