90 year old grandma and cousins’ stepchildren

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My grandma is 90 and there will be a massive afternoon party for just two hours in a hotel paid for my mum, aunt and uncle.

All her descendants, their partners plus nieces and nephews without partners and one surviving sibling and two of her surviving cousins, one with husband. The surviving sibling and cousins will have one of their children with them given their advanced age.

Grandma does not want my cousin’s two stepchildren invited , they are teenagers who live almost exclusively with their mother.

Cousin has said her husband doesn’t want her to go with her elder child and their joint child.

Elder child’s dad has stepped in and insists that he will take child himself and sit in bar to wait for him.

My cousin, brother of this cousin is coming home from Japan for this.

My aunt has said she will make sure their joint child will be there as well.

What for you all think about this? Is cousins’ husband unreasonable.

How would it hurt her feelings to have a couple of extended family members there?

Unless she's genuinely quite mean, I'd assume this stand is actually being taken more by the younger generations who don't like their dad. Rightly or wrongly.

Granny can probably see something in the kids she doesn't like. Like their father who is a CF supreme for pushing his kids into someone else's family events.

Sounds like you dont like your cousins husband. Tbf he probanly is a bit of a dick. But its not the teenagers fault.

Not the best idea to impose blending families on your children and the rest of the family. You want to blend perfect strangers because you happen to have romantic relationship with a particular person or have entered a shared household? Sure go ahead, nobody cares but don't force it on others. Arguably cousin should also invite the ex of her partner and his ex in-laws as it's all one big happy family.

This. My grandma is also my step grandma and we are the closest of all of her grandchildren

If it's all about photos you just give the photographer a list of photos you want, he calls the listed people arranges them and takes the photo. It really isn't worth the upset for a photo that can be easily arranged.

A CF, yes. He's probably done it one too many times. That's where the apprehension stems from presumably.

Those who say they have amazing relations with their step gan gan, that's lovely but it's not the case here. These teens have no relationship with their step great grandmother. Because they don't live with their dad. They are strangers to granny.

They have nothing to do with her on a day to say basis. Father probably just wants a free meal for them. And she probably knows that.

He’s a CF.

He's the one who should be excluded then.

Resulting in a complete strangers on the internet to project all their miseries and insecurities on a barely legible post and trolling granny who's gone through 9 decades and just want a relaxed lunch calling her a dick, horrible, spiteful, horrendous, ugly.. oh and the best, granny doesn't deserve a party Happy 90th😆

But that is not the situation here.

Grandma is being unreasonable. There are already people she isn't related to going, the partners of her family. Excluding step-children is very mean-spirited and I imagine the family won't attend (I wouldn't).

Invite family groups, it's the social relationship, not the biological one that matters!

My mum acted like this when my sister & I were organising my Dads wake.. trying to exclude family members & also my hubby’s mum who wanted to pay her respects. In the end we told her she was being incredibly unreasonable & petty & it’s not what Dad would have wanted. She backed down. Unnecessary stress on top of everything else.

Why single out the step children?

I didn't meet my grandmother until I was in my 30s. (Long story). I had two step grandmothers who I regarded as my own. I didn't see them much but they were my family.

Granny is shooting herself in the foot.

So Cousin and child are invited. And he and the step kids are not invited.

Yeah I'd go just to piss off the petty fuckers who keep not inviting his family in full. If his FIL is being a dick in not inviting them then tbh I think he's within his rights to make a point.

Maybe if FIL invited the kids he wouldn't make the same point.

The cousins family is her husband, step kids and kid. It is not just her own child.

I think that what this thread proves is that for some people, and I'm one, step relationships don't necessarily make the step into a family member.
And presumably the children have their own relatives :parents, aunts, uncles, cousins , maybe grandparents. They aren't orphans, but the children of separated /divorced parents.

It does. That's fine if you feel like this, but if you decide this then you also need to deal with the consequences of believing this too.

“What reason would you give to them especially the 11 year old for not taking them to a family party?”

well I suppose they either have to tell the 11 year old the truth that their half / step(?) siblings are not invited and explain we’re not prepared to split the family and treat our children differently. Or they have to make something up spares Grandma from looking like she’s excluded them. If it’s time when the SC would usually be with your cousin and their dad then it wouldn’t feel good to tell the SC we won’t be having you because we’re going to a family party with your step / half siblings and you’re obviously not invited because you’re not blood family.

Clearly the cousin’s husband is taking a stand in light of past perceived slights. It might feel / be disproportionate. But It’s not clear why the rest of the family, particularly the immediate in laws, are so against having anything to do with the SC (they can’t come to routine meals etc) when they’re nice enough and have been the family of your cousin for 6 years. This preoccupation with blood only is a bit weird and is going to cause problems in your cousin’s marriage. She will make choices about how that spend time as a family. Especially if her mother is making proclamations about the shared child and, plus it would look like you’re all in cahoots with her ex…

If I was grandma and really felt that strongly about photos (rather than the feeling of having everyone together), I’d probably change my mind once I saw it was causing issues in the cousin’s marriage and accept it’s the bargain of having the ‘more important’ true blood children there.

she can invite who she likes but sadly for her they don’t all have to come if they feel like they’re being judged as not being a real family unit which is clearly how they are viewing the exclusion of two of their children

I do hope she has a lovely day and the blended family can be accepted a bit more so tensions are lowered. Maybe just a bit of kindness and pragmatism…

My ex-stepdad’s Granny did this to me when I was about 10. My stepdad had been in my life since I was 3, so they’d known me a long time. Big family party for Granny’s birthday that I was not invited to because I wasn’t ’blood’. Was actually my stepdad’s Dad that stuck up for me and told his mother that she was being horrible. He’s the only one I’ve ever missed in that family after my stepdad left!

Costs Granny nothing to include them (literally, as she’s not paying!) but excluding them might do a lot more damage. In my case, it was 20 years ago and I still remember how much it stung to be rejected like that!

All the "poor children" posts as if these teens are going to miss out on something really special to them.😂

I didn't consider my stepmother's siblings to be my aunts or uncles. I already had enough of them who were my late mother's siblings. I liked them and as I said previously was very fond of one. But we weren't relatives. I don't really think I lost anything.I didn't feel excluded if I wasn't invited to a wedding for example, just as I wouldn't feel excluded if the next door neighbour didn't invite me.

It's not the point. The kids might not want to go but they will be feeling the exclusion all the same as it will create tension at home and between their Dad and Stepmum.

That in itself isn't ok. It's just bloody petty.

I think the dad sounds brilliant. He is really looking out for ALL his children (though I do doubt how keen they will be to go!). I see lots of posts on here about mothers being upset when their children from previous relationships are not included in second family events and they are usually fully supported. Im sure it's only different here because he is the dad!