AIBU to not have sister and her autistic child (nephew) in my home.

[BetUWanna]

Hi all,

I'll try and give as much detail here with trying to remain anonymous. I've NC for this as this will have outing details in it. I'm here to ask for some genuine advice and opinions on a current situation with my family. I'll try not to drip feed so this may be long.

i (30F) have an older sister aged 33. She is my half sister with us sharing 1 parent.
she has 2 children, 5 and 11, one who is autistic (diagnosed) and the other is NT. I also have a 4 year old myself.
She was young when she had her son who was diagnosed autistic when he was 8. I want to preface that she is a single mum, with both kids having different dads, so I'm not saying for a second that this is easy for her at all. I genuinely love her with my whole heart, but our relationship is suffering hugely due to her son's behaviour. She came to stay for Christmas at my home for 5 days. Some of the instances that happened over Christmas:
We were playing board games in the lounge, my nephew said he was going to watch his iPad. I had a Christmas tree at the top of my stairs, and while we were playing games he picked off each bauble individually and threw each one down stairs and most of them smashed to pieces. There was glass everywhere and there were little children who could have hurt themselves.
he picked up one of the pillows on the bed he was sleeping on, took it to the bathroom and peed on it. Left it there for me to find it. He ate his Christmas dinner with his bare hands, slapping gravy over his face and genuinely making a mess. He picked up a glass, launched it across my kitchen which ultimately chipped my wall and smashed. He refuses to use any sort of cutlery whatsoever. He refuses to brush his teeth, to the point he has black, rotted teeth at the front of his mouth. He's apparently been to the dentist and it's 'fine.' He hits, kicks and pushes my sister and the younger children including his younger sibling. I'm worried about my niece who has to live with this and the effects this is having on her. I have offered countless times for her to sleepover at mine with my DD, but it's declined each time.
He scribbled over my walls and regularly went outside to pee in my garden.

He is incredibly intelligent and my sister says he is high functioning, but i don't know if this is accurate. He is home educated and goes to his dad's house every other weekend. My sisters house is clean, he doesnt wreck things in his house, but if someone comes over his house he will start to lash out and misbehave. He will call us names and tell us he hates us.
I am worried for my sister as he is aged 11 and the same height as me, she cannot control or restrain him at all as he is just too strong. She has had training / classes for this but he is too strong. There is no respite for her. My relationship, and the whole families, is suffering now. We don't want to go to her house because he will lash out, mainly at her. We don't want him at our houses, because he trashes the place and can, at times, cause danger to other family members. What is the answer? My sister works hard home educating her children, and works part time when they are at their dads.

I can see this whole situation is isolating her from the outside world as she lives in fear of her son. I want to offer support, but aside from being a listening ear, I don't know what else I can do. I unfortunately won't allow him in my home now, as I have to keep my DD safe and I will not allow her safe space to be compromised. Which means my sister and niece don't come over, as they are always together.

can anybody please advise me on how / what I can do? Will this ever get better? She won't call out his behaviour as she is too frightened of him, which I understand. But it's straining our relationship hugely.

my relationship with my sister is hanging on by a thread. She has other friends and family members but they all seem to be in the same position as us which is isolating her further and resulting in her losing friendships. I am heartbroken for her. Please can anybody share any words of wisdom or any advice. My parents are in the same situation as me, they cannot cope with his behaviour in their home and their house has also been trashed over the years.

ultimately this is a disabled child who is being gloriously let down by the system.

thank you.

I should imagine my nieces father is aware of the birth certificate existing if he has a solicitor.

Yes, you mentioned he’d been pursuing this for over a year. He should know if there’s no birth cert by now and what he said to you (that his name wasn’t on it) indicates that there probably is.

@BetUWanna Your sister is lucky to have you

No it's your change in behaviour and that's uncomfortable,,,massive change in your motivations op from your original post .
You have done the completely right thing phoning social services ,I'm just not convinced about your motivation for doing so ,,you seem to be revelling in it .
Why hasn't dad phoned ss before you ? He's just as complicit I'm lack of safe guarding ?

She doesn't need to buy a BC. She can just check the indexes for free if she felt the need to check.

The important thing here is that vulnerable children are now on the radar.

Couldn't agree more .
As pp said it's all just been a bit icky since .
Its just really uncomfortable and inappropriate to see a extremely vulnerable family being gossiped about and ripped to shreds on a public forum with the main instigator being a sibling .
Sorry that doesn't sit right with me .
It doesnt matter that it's anonymous and that sister doesn't use social media right she may in future as may her children ,as may children's paternal family or friends or neighbours or even professionals in olved with this case who can put 2 and 2 together .
Relevant services are ensuring the children's best interests now op needs to maintain some dignity around the situation ,instead of courting the pick me's .

It's not unreasonable for the OP to want some support to navigate this situation. And I'm sure she would have preferred it if there was a way for someone else to have raised these concerns, eg if schools were involved and could have done so. Do you really think a child will be reading old Mumsnet threads in ten years time to find this?

I'm so glad you're trying to help your sister and her children @BetUWanna, even if your DSis may not see it as such.

I really feel for that poor little girl, and I hope that they all get all the support they need.

I can't work out for the life of me how you can see behaviour changes in a written dialog. That's a new one for me.
Yes, there are changes to the motivations. I have absolutely no one in real life to speak to about this (hence coming on here) and since having the opinions and advice of hundreds of kind posters, my motivation went from simply not allowing my nephew into my home, to violent assaults, neglect and more and reporting my own family to the services I could. Of course that changes the rhetoric. It has also come to light that my sister has been very disingenuous and dishonest about a whole host of things.

I am not worried that my niece or nephew will read this thread in 10/15/20 years time. My sister doesn't really have anybody in her life to call the social team as she doesn't have anybody friends that come round, the children are not in school and they don't go to a GP about anything at all. I am the only member of our family who has remained in this level of contact with her, everybody else fell back a while ago, for their own reasons, not just the obvious divide in parenting and opinions.

To say I'm 'revelling' in any of this is distasteful and offensive. I started this thread in good faith with absolutely no intention of calling social services at all. I have stated many times that I feel incredibly shit for doing so. You have absolutely no idea what as a family we have been through, with my sister, and contrary to your belief, there are still details I have missed out on this thread for my sister to remain some dignity and anonymity. I have kissed goodbye to a relationship with my sister because of all of this, potentially hardly ever seeing my nephew again, and only seeing my niece through her father. I had potentially lost 3 family members who I care about and love deeply.

So please don't label someone else's pain and experiences as revelling in anything and perhaps look at the bigger picture here before being so offensive and callous.

If me being an 'instigator' means I did my damn best shot to make sure they ALL get the help they need, and to keep 2 extremely vulnerable children safe, then I'll fucking take that seat.

You've obviously been reading something completely different to what i have read.
@BetUWanna has done her best for all concerned here, and definitely hasn't ripped anyone to shreds. I wouldn't label anything she's said "icky" (and can you please find a better adjective than that, such a childish word to use).
Speaking up for vulnerable and neglected children is always going to be the right choice.

There are posters on here who think your sister should come before her kids. They just havent got the guts to say so

You said your family are on the same page as you in regards to being concerned although you haven't confided it was you to make the call as such ,although you have said they too have considered doing the same ,,so surely you must talk about the current situation with them ?
You also state you have nothing left to give to your sister in regards to support emotionally or physically (something that is understandable) as you have your own life child etc yet you go and put yourself in the thick of it with her ex (nieces dad) .
Sorry op ,you started this thread reasonably positive about your sis whilst also expressing concerns for some of her parenting techniques and ideas over the thread you have started to talk about her really disdainfully ,,it dosent sit right with me ,,that's just my opinion ,,and you have plenty on here who get a different vibe from you, I can only tell you mine .
I often mumsnet for a relatble post for something that may happen or be happening in my life so yes I've seen posts myself that date a decade a go that are relevant to me now .
Imagine being a a parent of a disabled child and being concerned that you are not coping so you put in a few key words on Mumsnet for advice and support and this thread pops up ,,some really judgemental horrible comments on this thread .
The kids come first and the legal appropriate services are now involved to ensure that's the case ,no need for you op to carry on your annihilation of your sister's parenting with internet strangers ,,we all agree you did the right thing and your sister needs to engage ,,she will either do that and become the parent her children need or the children will be removed ,do we need to continue this thread ?
You got what you wanted which was on the whole validation that you did the right thing ,,I don't see why the world and it's dog needs to know the ins and outs of your sister's situation even to the point of who's named on neices birth certificate,,it's not your business or your problem to solve it's now down to the services you involved .

I totally agree with you @BetUWanna that your niece and nephew's current welfare come before any potential awareness they are being talked about on here. And you have taken on board advice on here (and not all, but some is contradictory!). Even those of us who say "don't do this, do that" are trying to make a point that you should help them, not leave them be because it's "not your business".

Also op ,I noticed in your reply to me you mention your nephew ,,sorry but you have shown very little concern for him over this entire thread ,,have you contacted his dad to ensure you get to have a relationship with him ? Or just neices ?

I haven't said it wasn't .
Op has my full support advocating for the children to the appropriate services ,,don't see how it's helping the children gossiping on Mumsnet .

It takes a village

Wait no not like that

Oh just go away with this nonsense.

Her priority is her niece who she is close to and who is in danger. That isn't a crime.

People moan that an op has reported child neglect like she did a bad thing.

Regardless of whatever motives op had for doing it she did the right thing.

The niece is the biggest victim here. She’s living a bloody shit live at risk of violence from her sibling with her only rest bite being when her dad is actually allowed her.

So yeah if was op I’d be more concerned for her than the nephew and definitely more for her than the sister.

My rankings would be niece, nephew and then the sister.

Because the sister has herself to blame for all the lack of help and support and for all the damage done to the niece. She’s the reason they are unvaccinated. Shes the reason their teeth are rotten and she’s the reason they don’t go to school. She’s shut out and down everyone that’s tried to help.

The little girl should live with her dad, the little boy should live with his dad and frankly the sister maybe could do with an inpatient stay.

Well ive seen plenty of threads where ppl have posted about their overweight children and they have received advice but ive yet to see dont see how its helping the children gossiping on Mumsnet on those threads after that advice has been posted. Ditto school bullying threads. So why on this particular thread?

Some posters seem to have a real problem when autistic children, particularly autistic boys, aren’t treated like the centre of the universe. It’s very strange.

It takes a village everyone Oops no not like that Didnt you get the memo that the village only means free childcare folks

@BetUWanna

I have no idea where other posters are reading 'bad motives' in your posts. What I've seen was frustration with Nephew at Xmas, astonishment as you began to realize how bad things were, fear of reporting, conviction when you realized you needed to report, and now determination to stay in your niece's life but also sadness in realizing that you must step back from your DSis and Nephew's lives (for now) and let the experts do their work. Honestly, your head must be spinning.

I'm reminded of an old proverb: "The dogs may bark, but the caravan passes on". Let them bark, you're doing just fine.