To start thinking about splitting over this

[Playdoughy]

My husband has become incredibly rude towards other people. This was a gradual change over the past few years.
While I was trying to understand his reactions in the beginning, as he would be right about the things that annoyed him - this has now escalated into him expecting that everyone shares the same manners and values and what not, or else...

To put things into perspective, I couldn't wait for us to move home because he managed to get into arguments with pretty much all the neighbours in our building and we ended up not speaking to people that I met on daily basis.
Yes - A was occasionally slamming the doors, but was it worth reporting him to his landlord, shouting at him and having 3 separate arguments over this. And so on... But at least those relationships deteriorated over a number of years.
At the new place it took him 3 weeks for the entire building to stop talking to us (yes me too, because people assume you are the one and the same). He lost it over abandoned post in the common area and a disagreement around a fence (that is not even remotely relevant for our garden).
I am an introvert and it's not like I depend on having people around for a smalltalk but tomorrow he will be like this with parents in our DC's class or teachers... He already has parents he 'hates' in the nursery and wants me to refuse playdates that DS gets invited to 'because B's dad is just full of it'.
We literally have noone left to socialise with. All the friend groups I had mingled with in past - he drove away by showing clear lack of interest for anything they talked about, refusing any couples activities together, refusing to visit them...

I just don't think I am comfortable with this being the new normal both for me and the kids in future. He is dispising anyone who wants to communicate with us or spend time with us.
At the same time he reaches out to somewhat incompatible people (e.g. a couple in their sixties both early retirement spending time between ski and geach holidays and thinking about extending an already impressive house - at the same time our little family crammed in a flat and buried in 9-5 jobs and a mortgage). Than he gets disappointed they don't reciprocate back with an invite from their side...
I grew up with my parents surrounded by extended family, friends all in similar circumstances- plenty of kids around too. He had similar upbringing but he just changed after covid and lost any interest in maintaining contacts...
I tried talking about this but he just says he doesn't care and that people are idiots or just annoy him...

Have you had any really honest conversations with him about this, or are you treading on eggshells? He sounds thoroughly unpleasant and not altogether ironically a bit of an idiot himself. My husband can be quite angry but I’ve told him in no uncertain terms I don’t like it and I don’t like that sort of attitude towards other people so when he’s like that the behaviour is closed down and he has made efforts to change and be more sociable.

"we ended up not speaking to people"

Why on earth did you stop talking to people? You're letting him bring you down with him.

I was like this for a while. It just creeps up on you and gets increasungly worse. It's called dysphoria and is a type of depression. I also used to be very thirsty and drink water and pee a lot (because of the high cortisol levels it caused). What helped me immensely was antidepressants, which I am still on 13 years later. Best of luck to you op.

Reminds me of what my dad was like for years. He didn't have dementia, he was just a nasty git, jealous of anyone who had more than him. Get rid, OP.

You’re not unreasonable to think this is a valid reason to think about leaving, no. It’s negatively affecting every area of your life and your child’s life, and he isn’t willing to address it.

I would steel yourself to have one really clear conversation about it. Say it’s making you so unhappy that you might have to split up - say that really clearly. Ask him if he would be willing to go to a relationship counsellor with you - a neutral space where he can’t run away (and where he can also talk about how he perceives it, if he’s willing to talk). But my experience of a man like this is that they find it really difficult, if not impossible, to change.

My partner is similar. Just very intolerant of everyone & talks badly of them all the time. We have no mutual friends, I can't have people round because he makes it so uncomfortable, we dont visit family/friends. (I visit my own family/friends alone - no longer bother with his) It has made my world so small & I am miserable. I feel on edge whenever DC has friends round for sleepovers etc & in all honesty I avoid it if I can because its not worth the stress. It is a very sad way to live & we deserve better. I also suspect he has autism due to this & other behaviours but we were kids when we met & I didn't fully see these issues until we had a baby & moved in together.

You don't have to live like this, @Dontletthebedbugsbite2 . There are always choices. Your poor kids.

Before you mentioned young children and I realised he was younger, my first thought was dementia too. It’s the sudden change in behaviour for me.

Does not sound good. Perhaps he doesn't realise that he is driving you away. It might be time to stop walking on eggshells and tell him all his dreams are about to come true and he will soon be alone.

I don't think it matters why this has happened, even something medical, the impact on your children must be terrible and I think you would be best focusing on that. They must be under terrible stress and not able to articulate why.

Your DH has what we used to call at school a 'superiority complex', OP. He thinks he's better than everyone else. It's interesting that he tried to latch onto those people he perceives as higher status, but they wanted no truck with him. Have you got somewhere to go? How would your children take a separation?

I couldn’t live like this. 💐

Have you spoken to him about how his negativity is making you feel that you don't want to live with him? Could you tell him you are considering finishing the relationship if he doesn't change his ways? This might give him the kick up the bum to see that his behaviour is bringing you down.

He could benefit from trying antidepressants and seeing if this changes his outlook for the better.

My X H was like this ! Second marriage for me . He fell out with all the neighbours for one reason or another and any friends he made (very few ) he gradually found fault with and eventually stopped speaking to. I'd had a good parenting relationship with the Father of my kids but he didn't like it and it decended into an extremely hostile one which affected the kids massively. I really don't know what the answer is for you but it probably won't change and you will become more and more isolated with this grumpy dissatisfied man . I divorced , am now on good terms with my neighbours and living a happy single life.

It’s possible your DH is ND and he just unmasked during Covid, but it would be a gradual change, think of it like letting go of the side of you you show to others (there’d also likely be other “quirks” that would likely have been present before the change). If he’s stressed all the time it also increases the burden of masking and living in general and he could just be in autistic burnout. If it’s that than regular CBT is not likely to help, he’d need someone who is neuroaffirming and has adapted their approach. But for that he’d need to not only be ND but also admit it to himself (formal diagnosis is not essential at this point) and if he is ND just exploring his identity can help a lot with changing perspective.

The thing is neurodiversity is always there, we might mask it but it doesn’t just spring out of nowhere. If you think your husband’s change of personality was much more sudden I’d be sending him to rule out any neurological disorders. For instance, read up on how Bruce Willis was affected by fronto temporal dementia.

I couldn't live like this and it must be awful for your children too. You need to explain the effect that it's having on you all and thatvyou will have to leave to preserve your sanity and protect your children if things don't change.

First, he needs to see his GP to rule out medical conditions that people have suggested: stroke, diabetes, dementia etc.

Then, if all that checks out ok, he needs to want to change l, try to change and you can pick him up in it when he slides.

If all this fails then I think you need to plan to leave. Sorry, OP.

Let us know how it goes.

My DS is like this. Takes against people for no reason and verbally attacks me when I don't back him up. I used to, and lost friends because of it. But not anymore. I try to avoid talking about it with him and if he persists, I go home (fortunately he no longer lives with me).

I can't imagine how exhausting it must be, maintaining all that hate.

I would stop going along with his rants, tell him you're not interested, to start with. And also tell him he is having a really bad effect on his children.

But yes, it does look as if it will end your marriage, sadly.

So many suggestions here:
ASD, diabetes, stroke, dementia, Covid, depression, etc. etc.
You have no way of knowing unless he seeks a diagnosis.
He abandoned the therapy, so it appears he is not even trying to help himself.

What struck me was him trying to befriend the 'high status' wealthy couple. As @DierdreBarlow says, does he have a superiority complex?
Perhaps he is disappointed with his life, with the things he has achieved and where he has ended up. He feels he deserves better, he should have achieved more, and is angry with the world for not giving him the life he wants.

I would take the view that no matter the reason, you don't have to put up with this. It is affecting the children as well as you.
Give him an ultimatum, and then prepare for divorce (never, ever give an ultimatum that you are not going to follow through on).

I did used to wonder if my nasty Dad was ND, but I decided that even if he were, he was so nasty that it masked anything else he might have had going on. Either way, sounds like you're in a prison sentence, OP. No one has to stay in an unsatisfactory marriage, OP.

If he is not willing to address it then yes I would leave. You must be miserable

I actually thought he may be autistic, but I just don't understand how come this was not apparent to me for years

You got there about 40 years before I did! Some of them mask it really well and it takes a crisis to drop the mask. Yours was Covid lockdowns, mine was started by Covid lockdowns and finished off by a house move. It's quite likely that the very act of moving has made your husband worse, change can be very disturbing for ASD people.

I'm sorry to say that he's likely to get worse as he gets older, not better, and you might need to factor that into your decision. But it sounds like life is pretty miserable right now. I hope you find a way through.

You need to talk to him and tell him you cannot keep living like this and if he isn't able to be more tolerant of other people you won't be able to stay together. My husband is a bit like this, not so much with people within our orbit, that are just passing by (like neighbours, co-workers etc), but family and friends are always difficult, and I've found it easier to be very selective about who I see and when, which chips away at both my own personality and mental health and how I feel about him. If he's forced to spend time with family (his or mine!) or my friends he's constantly bitching to me about them and sulking off somewhere, which ruins it for me. If I could go back 20 years or more and tell myself to either nip it in the bud or call it a day, I would 100% do this.

I was married to a narky, sulky man who used to ruin any occasion with his moods. I divorced him for more things than this, but this was a factor. Honestly, I cannot begin to describe the bliss of being without him. I felt I was walking on air. You get one shot at life, why waste it?

I think you're being a bit harsh on @Daygloboo here. Yes it was incredibly hard for some people. My mum was in hospital on her own having just been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and I couldn't visit her before / after major bowel surgery nor be with her when she got her diagnosis.

However, overall Covid didn't impact me at all mentally and I feel no different now than I did before.

As @Playdoughy says, it was different for everyone and whilst, yes, a lot of people struggled (physically, mentally and emotionally), some people relished being home for months on end with minimal work and social pressure and actually enjoyed the quiet and slower pace of life.

This will get worse over time, I'm afraid. Your world will become a very small place if you enter old age with him.