To start thinking about splitting over this

[Playdoughy]

My husband has become incredibly rude towards other people. This was a gradual change over the past few years.
While I was trying to understand his reactions in the beginning, as he would be right about the things that annoyed him - this has now escalated into him expecting that everyone shares the same manners and values and what not, or else...

To put things into perspective, I couldn't wait for us to move home because he managed to get into arguments with pretty much all the neighbours in our building and we ended up not speaking to people that I met on daily basis.
Yes - A was occasionally slamming the doors, but was it worth reporting him to his landlord, shouting at him and having 3 separate arguments over this. And so on... But at least those relationships deteriorated over a number of years.
At the new place it took him 3 weeks for the entire building to stop talking to us (yes me too, because people assume you are the one and the same). He lost it over abandoned post in the common area and a disagreement around a fence (that is not even remotely relevant for our garden).
I am an introvert and it's not like I depend on having people around for a smalltalk but tomorrow he will be like this with parents in our DC's class or teachers... He already has parents he 'hates' in the nursery and wants me to refuse playdates that DS gets invited to 'because B's dad is just full of it'.
We literally have noone left to socialise with. All the friend groups I had mingled with in past - he drove away by showing clear lack of interest for anything they talked about, refusing any couples activities together, refusing to visit them...

I just don't think I am comfortable with this being the new normal both for me and the kids in future. He is dispising anyone who wants to communicate with us or spend time with us.
At the same time he reaches out to somewhat incompatible people (e.g. a couple in their sixties both early retirement spending time between ski and geach holidays and thinking about extending an already impressive house - at the same time our little family crammed in a flat and buried in 9-5 jobs and a mortgage). Than he gets disappointed they don't reciprocate back with an invite from their side...
I grew up with my parents surrounded by extended family, friends all in similar circumstances- plenty of kids around too. He had similar upbringing but he just changed after covid and lost any interest in maintaining contacts...
I tried talking about this but he just says he doesn't care and that people are idiots or just annoy him...

I would advise a trip to his GP to rule out any organic changes to the brain that could have caused this change in personality

This, as some frontal-lobe conditions (dementia, tumours) can cause problems with aggression, personality change, stronger moods etc.

Covid might also have played a part (biologically I mean).

Either way, it's not liveable. You can't be on eggshells around him all your life and your children must feel very out of control, hearing him rant and call everyone stupid and just being unpleasant in daily life.

I mean- even your family coming around isn't to his liking, so says he'd rather have peace.

He doesn't want your home to be welcoming, he doesn't want your children to have friends with certain people at school and you don't have any friends left due to his behaviour.

OP, it doesn't matter whether he's a dick, whether he's undiagnosed, whether its Covid or the start of something sinister, he's isolating you and your children and I think you have to stop that, step out, and he can put them in his diary (that's if they don't grow up to have opinions or annoy him, which teens do).

This will also worsen when they are not little kids and not at all obedient/live their lives how he doesn't like.

Re: autism and spectrum conditions

I have lots of friends on the autism spectrum, including some older men. They don't behave like OP's husband. Sure, some of them prefer their own company sometimes, or are socially awkward, but they really, REALLY care about other people, and would be horrified to upset someone else. If they mess up, and they sometimes do, they instinctively want to make it right.

Autistic people do not want to be lumped in with people who are simply selfish, mean and boorish.

Maybe OP's husband struggles with a spectrum condition, and maybe he doesn't. It's not the reason he's behaving this badly. He's a capable adult who has capacity, awareness of right and wrong, and the ability to change. He's just not using any of it - because he's allowed to get away with it to the extent that he's comfortable with.

That kind of confirms that it was Covid that changed him. Not that it damaged his mental health, but that he found isolation suited him, got used to it, and now can’t cope with reality again. Makes total sense.

was actually wondering this only yesterday…. why have I changed since Covid? What made preparing for work the night before, getting everything together and going to the office everyday doable before Covid, but now it feels impossible even years after it all ended. I genuinely don’t know.

I think some people need to stop blaming covid and sen for their behaviour.
Its not an excuse to act like a twat.
As I said above you will end up lonely yourself.

My ex was like this and I had no one in the end, but he blamed his anxiety for it.
After 3 year I was done with the bullshit.
And them that avoid me started to talk again.
I saw it from the outside how isolated I was.

I have high anxiety and a list of other things but I never use it as an excuse to be a cow to people.

It was bearable because it was a given - non negotiable. If you wanted to work you need to go to work - simple.
With Covid the companies became more flexible with expectations and many learned (does not apply to all professions) that they can do a perfectly good job remotely.
So now, companies asking you to come in is suddenly an inconvenience and an unnecessary favour you are doing for them (technically they are not paying you for your commute, your time spent during commute, the shoes and clothes you use up with daily use, the lunch/coffee etc...). So yes it is natural for this whole ordeal to feel like an inconvenience because it is unnecessary.

And yes - this is a conversation I had with my DH numerous times, because commuting to work is one of the many things that drives him mad.

I agree. If he doesn't want to go to the GP as he doesn't think anything is wrong with him, could you write a letter to his GP explaining how he's changed and the timeframe? The GP might call him in for a "check up".

If he hadn’t always been like this I’d think something was wrong either with his brain function, tumor/dementia/something else, or he was developing an MH issue. It sounds quite abnormal. Get him to the Dr.

if it’s nothing and he’s just being nasty twit. Move on.

In part, yes. Though in my case it’s strange because I never even liked working from home and I did still go in during Covid sometimes! But that still doesn’t explain why I find it so hard to do simple things like showering on the same routine I used to. I couldn’t leave the house without washing my hair before, now I’ll go to work having not washed it for 3 days! I used to prepared overnight oats for my breakfast and now I can’t even face buying the ingredients let alone prepping them each night. It’s more than just “oh we managed wfh during covid sometimes why should I go in now?” I actually LIKE being in the office with my colleagues once I’m there! My commute is never more than ten minutes in the car. So it doesn’t make sense why I find it so incredibly hard to manage.

Back to your DP though, I do think that sounds like that it’s impacted him, but it’s not fair for him to essentially take that out on you.

Is this something people do? Genuine question - as in report other people's issues?
I don't mean it in a bad way, I actually like the idea but would never think this is welcomed by GPs/appropriate?

I'm genuinely interested in the answer to this too, OP. It only ever seems to be a reality over here on MN.

Personally, the idea that my husband could write to my G.P. telling them that I'd gone a bit moody and could they please invent a reason to call me in for a sneaky check-up... well, it makes me uncomfortable to say the least.

I'm sure that this is something that happens from time to time, and I'm equally sure that the doctor (or receptionist) immediately bins the request, because there are so many ethical red flags. If there was indeed a policy for GPs to follow up on such requests, they would be inundated with timewasters, trolls, and gaslighters (e.g., the abusive man who says "Please check up on my wife doctor, she claims I'm emotionally controlling her but I never did anything of the sort, I think she's not right in the head"). Then the person who wrote the letter would be phoning up demanding to know what the diagnosis was.

Also, GPs have enough trouble trying to see the patients who do want to be treated, without calling people in on false pretences ("Well, Mr. Playdoughy, your blood pressure is fine, but while I was taking it I couldn't help noticing that you seem to be a bit of an arsehole").

Wow. I hope you are ok now.

I really dont think this is a "thing"

Yes . The man next door to where I used to live started drinking heavily I noticed, so if that sort of thing was being repeated everywhere, I suppose i can understand why it had such a bad effect.

Yeah. Hope you are feeling more ' back to normal' now.

Yes Joystir59....like the other poster said, it was different for different people. I can see clearly from what people say that it was terrible for some people, and I do have sympathy. But as I pointed out, I am.older and potter about a lot and my life wasnt that different during covid, so personally I didnt notice much difference and I simply wondered what circumstances led to some people having a terrible time. Of course i knew about loved ones dying and that was awful, but I didnt know about some of the other things like feeling trapped and stuff like that. But it makes sense.

Could you suggest a trial separation? That might force him to have a word with himself.

I'm sorry you had to go through that.

No see my reply to the other poster.

Op the thing that struck me reading this is that I was expecting you to be describing someone much older (as clearly some people do get more intolerant as they get older). I would say it is much more unusual in someone in their thirties or forties

Yes he is around 40.

OP, people end marriages for lots of reasons and this is a good one.
You are entitled to want more from life than the stresss he brings to it.
I would hate what the future looks like for your children, because it will impact them having a father like that.
Quietly look at organising yourself and get out.
You could have 40 years more of this and inevitably men like this get worse as they age.

This is such a sad situation, for him as well as you and your children. The thing is, people are annoying! Neighbours annoy with music, dogs, parking, bonfires.... Work is annoying: useless management, infuriating colleagues and clients...and families, aaargh! So I have sympathy for him. But it’s a question of balance, isn't it? If he takes everything as his sole responsibility to deal with, his precious time, his life, will be eaten up by rage, and his family will be destroyed in the process. We could all easily spend our whole lives arguing, complaining, taking action, protesting..... He has to take very, very seriously the idea of choosing his battles. I think it may be ultimatum time, because you cannot live like this and you cannot allow your children's lives to be constrained by his dislike of other parents etc. He may be autistic, he may have very black and white thinking because of childhood trauma, he may be emotionally immature and unable to see other people's perspectives, which would lessen his rage....it's his mission to find out, alone or with help, but otherwise you're walking. Maybe he needs that threat to motivate him.

Any other symptoms? It sounds like a pretty sudden change. A wild card here… could it be a brain tumor?

Not sure the GP works go so far as coming up with a reason to call him in for an appointment, but it could be noted so they could check on it next time he’s in for something else.