Is It Weird to Go for Walks with a School Dad?

[safefmo]

I mostly work from home and often go for a walk after school drop-off. Recently I bumped into a school dad whose daughter is friends with my child. He’s nice enough and we’ll chat when we see each other.

Since then, he’s occasionally texted to ask if I want to go for a walk or grab a coffee. If he were a school mum, I wouldn’t think twice — but because he’s a dad, I’m second-guessing it. I don’t want it to get awkward, and I don’t know if his partner knows.

Am I overthinking this? Is it weird? If you were his partner, would you find it odd?

I think this is slightly different though. Your dp and the other parent would be walking the dog anyway. They are just joining up their route from time to time. This guy is specifically looking to spend more time with the OP principally for the purpose of spending more time with her. Which isn’t necessarily bad, in itself. But it is different.

Many MNers will advise against it though as there seems to be an idea that men and women can’t have platonic friendships

That's because they generally can't.
It always spills over into dating territory very quickly.

I don’t see the issue. Men and women can be friends. A lot of MN can’t understand that mind.

Why would it possibly matter, just as (hopefully) we don't mind if our kids are friends with someone from a different background/religion/race/gender etc? Yes, there is always a slight possibility a random dad could be attracted to a random mum he sees at school pick up, but so could two mums. If a partner is jealous of a friend going for a walk, regardless of gender, there are serious issues.
Obviously if he became inappropriate, that would be a problem, but as long as someone is respectful and honest, their gender shouldn't matter.

Dont be naive. A man only ever wants to spend time alone with a woman he doesn't know well for one reason and one reason only.

No. But I’d go in a group. There is no way I’d meet up with someone’s husband on my own

Me too! Then they split up and she is one of my best ever friends. I hardly see him now our kids have grown.

What does your husband think about it?

This is not true in my experience. Maybe me having a few brothers growing up helped? I love having male friendships as I don't see much of my brothers due to distance.

I bet your brothers were protective towards you with all their friends around!

Id See him in a group or have him and his child over on a play date at the weekend when my partner was around .

But I’d not do one to one coffee dates with him, because I’ve been burned in the past doing things like this. I tell myself all the things that other posters have said on this thread, e.g. why should I treat him any different from another woman, fathers need support as well etc

It always starts off fine, then next thing he’s moaning about his partner and confiding personal details because I’m “ so understanding unlike his DP “ . And I feel uncomfortable but can’t explain exactly what he’s Done Wrong.

Then of course he crosses a line, I end the friendship and he complains that I gave him “mixed signals “ 🙄.

so now I never see male friends one to one, just as part of a group. I’m not saying it can never work in theory , just that it’s never worked out in practice for me .

My sister in law went on walks with my husband.
Now they are living together

This. ^ SO many naive and innocent, wide eyed posters on here. 😆

@safefmo He wants a shag.

You haven't said what your husband thinks of this. No man I know would have his wife having one to one meetups and coffees with another man. And I bet this man's wife won't stand for it. I fucking wouldn't!

I did, we became good mates for a while when our kids played together. It was no different to the dynamic I had/ have with female friends One of those friendships that fizzled out when the kids went to different secondary schools. We still stop and chat if we bump into one another in town occasionally.

So I have many of these friendships and they are just that, friends. But I wouldn't think twice to ask anyone about it as we are just mates. BUT, the fact that you have to ask is what is concerning. Why ask if you think it is fine and not an issue? It seems you have noted something odd about it and now feel something is amiss. That is the issue, not the male/female friendship.

This is my experience too. I’ve only ever had one genuinely platonic male friend, and we’ve known each other since we were young children and physically repulse each other because it feels like sibling territory. All the others have eventually made a very uncomfortable pass (one waited for about ten years before doing so and confessed that he’d been hoping something would happen for the entire friendship).

In every single case, I would have said ‘don’t be ridiculous! Men and women can have platonic friendships!’ if someone had suggested that one of us held a torch for the other. I genuinely had no inkling, and find it genuinely bizarre that they would maintain a close friendship (often with a partner themselves) for very long periods without even so much as a hint of wanting more. Then something would happen that would make them think I could be available (or vulnerable 🤢) like me breaking up with a partner or confiding that I was going through rough time, and they’d try it on.

I’m sure that platonic male/female friendships happen (as I said, I have one myself) but the odds have NOT been in my favour, and a lot of men seem to be willing to play the long game and maintain what seems like a normal friendship for ages, waiting for an opportunity. Or maybe they’re just opportunists and it occurs to them that they might get a shag out of me, and they haven’t actually been considering it beforehand. I just don’t bother with new friendships with men now, as I can’t tell which ones are just genuinely friendly and which ones have ulterior motives.

I agree that there is nothing wrong with male/female friendships, and would say this would be okay if it happened naturally. As in, you’d finished the school run and both were going to go for a walk or get a coffee so thought you may as well just go together. The fact that he has ‘occasionally’ messaged to ask this suggests he’s asked a few times? If that’s the case, and you haven’t taken him up yet, it’s a bit off that he keeps asking.

If I messaged a mum from school suggesting a walk/coffee and they were non committal I would leave it to them to bring it up again and wouldn’t ask again, I’d assume they weren’t that keen.

Have you shown your DH the messages to get his take? I’d do that, as he may also get an impression either way.

I’m usually on the side of thinking men and women should be able to hang out as friends, but something about this doesn’t sound quite right. I think it’s because it doesn’t sound very organic, but like he’s taking a massive step forwards in suggesting planned socialising without children or spouses present, and I think that has a very different vibe when it’s man-woman, and doesn’t often happen that quickly with mum friendships either.

Trust your instincts. There are school dads I’d feel TOTALLY comfortable going for a walk with - they are so obviously not looking for anything, and firmly in the friend zone. Then there are others I would suspect may be thinking of something ‘else’, so wouldn’t walk with them alone for fear of awkwardness and/or gossip.

You know which type he falls into, so use those instincts.

I would. I'd put a stop to it if there were any signs of inappropriate interest on his part, but I am friends with a few school dads and they're like anyone else with limited time and small children, just grabbing a moment to get some fresh air and have a chat with a grown-up.

So? OP has a partner too. Why is it an issue for you that the man has a partner, but not that the woman does.

Exactly.

I’d worry about being spotted by other school mums and the gossip that would come with it 😅

I know of a few afairs that started this way, so personally I think it's a bit off. It would be different if in a group, but one on one, no.

It’s a no from me. Even if perfectly innocent I wouldn’t have liked my DH meeting for walks , coffees with a female on their own.