To say if DP doesn’t take time off, SC have to come less?

[Balaciette]

DP is a workaholic and has four children, three from his ex-marriage and one by me. We have SC half the holidays and as every holiday approaches, up materialises some Very Important Reason why he can’t take time off work.

It always ends up with him taking the time off (and being grouchy about it), me taking the time off (and being resentful about it), or some other - female - relative being roped in (which is stressful because I WFH therefore am de facto host whilst working).

I’m sick of it. AIBU?

Surely you knew he wasn't interested in his kids before deciding to have yet another one for him to ignore?
This is, presumably, why he is no longer with the other children's mother.

Ugh the ones who want it both ways are the worst. Mr Modern when it comes to a second income and kids with multiple partners, old school traditionalist who fobs them off on the nearest female relative in preference to doing any actual juggling. At least some of the ones who think childcare is only the woman's job think they're supposed to be the provider in return.

And while I appreciate the difficulty of his position, it still doesn't make it ok to expect you to sort it out because he's chosen not to address the issue head on.

Stop letting him fob you off. When he gets into bed talk about it. And remind him - I am not available please sort out a club or childcare. don’t leave it too late. I won’t help and I’d prefer if it wasn’t all based in the home as I am working.

pin him down till you get an answer

We split the holidays for our own kids and take one week off together.
There are more school holidays than work holidays though, this is what holiday clubs, paid childcare and nannies are for. He should pay for the days he can not do for his kids.
For your shared child you split the costs.
I would not be using up my holkday for someone elses kids, even if it was a partner.

Oddly enough, women who post here to say that their husband is having an affair, don't get blamed for it.

It's quite a reach to blame the victim, here. Even if he is being a nob about the kids.

I don’t have sc so I suppose I can’t really relate, but I dint really understand al these issues with sc (similar when people say they have separate finances). DP and are a team and like all teams , the players have their strengths and weaknesses and a success team plays to these strengths.
my DP is really shit with some things (cant retain info, doesn’t forward think etc etc). I’m excellent at that but hate dealing with isa’s, pensions which do is great at.

so I sort the former, he does the latter and it works.

if DP is great in other respects, I’d deal with the kid thing .

and they are your sc, and presumably you knew they exceeded before you got married.

Well this is it, I think he’s hoping to scrape by for another few years and then they’ll be old enough to entertain themselves aka get under my feet all day whilst I work.

I do understand the rationale.

Yanbu. With SD my partner uses his annual leave and the time he has SD that his AL doesn't cover he uses unpaid parental leave. Only exception is usually in the Christmas holidays where his work won't let him take the full week he has SD off (time off during Christmas holidays works on a "wishlist" basis so he will get some days he requests but not all) so there's usually a couple of days where SD is here but he can't get out of work so I don't mind looking after her on those days on my own but he always asks me and never assumes. Tell your partner you aren't willing to care for his kids at the drop of a hat because he can't be asked to deal with them, so his choices are 1. Take the time off, paid or unpaid and without the attitude 2. Find someone else to take them, at their house or 3. He puts them into a holiday club wether they like it or not. He can't have it both ways, he can't say he doesn't want to have the kids less but then say he doesn't want to care for them so you've got to. He wants to have his cake and eat it and you OP need to put a stop to this by sticking to your guns and not being the childcare for his children.

The legal minimum in the UK is 20 days plus 8 bank holidays. 20 days = 4 weeks.
Why do people keep saying it's less? 20 days+8BH is the legal minimum.

Maybe you are finding out why his wife refused to work (cos he didn’t do his share with the kids?).

He sounds like a useless dad, not planning for time off, doesn’t seem to want to spend time with them.

They may as well stay with mum - I wouldn’t be giving my time up with my kids for them to be in holiday clubs when they could be home with me

Yeah, you don’t get it! Everyone’s the hypothetical best stepparent ever, until they are one. Like parenting.

Oh dear. My heart bleeds for the poor man.

Reread what youve written. Why are you with him?!

Could you hire a desk in an office space for the half term / holidays. While I’m with you on not wanting to look after the SC using your AL I think it’s U to expect them to be out of the house. A baby sitter at home seems like a good solution if they are primary school age and able to play at home and hate holiday clubs. I wouldn’t want to be forced to holiday clubs all the time if I were a child. School term is exhausting it’s good to have some downtime. And if you are a family, your home is theirs too. Babysitter is also more cost effective.

Also, controversial opinion here, but primary aged children shouldn't really get much of a say in where they are if parents are working and a holiday club is used.

However in this case, mum.isbt working so if they want to stay at mums is that not an option?!

Id be saying either they are with their mum.or he steps up and has them. Cake. Eating it. Springs to mind

Problem is OP, if you listen to mumsnetters and some of the quite bitter responses on here, you’ll be swiftly divorced and your own DC can be passed from pillar to post.

He should of course take leave when his DCs are here but if his leave has run out and he has to work then I see no issue with you or another relative helping out.

These DCs are your stepchildren, they're your DC’s siblings. Not just some random kids. So is it going to kill you to help look after them?

There’s no guarantee you can take it all off in the school holidays though

Do you see an issue with the husband getting off his arse and booking a holiday club?

OP, if he was this shit at work, he wouldn't have a job to be a workaholic at. So clearly he's doing it deliberately.

if DP is great in other respects, I’d deal with the kid thing

Ffs. Really? 'The kid thing' takes over whole days when the Op is working, you can't compare it to sorting a pension etc which is a finite task.

The kids parents are responsible for them, Op has already done plenty plus her own child is in childcare.

Most working parents I know don’t have jobs that cover half the school holidays. Having a family member (grandparents often) look after them at home is quite usual.
OP was also not happy for this to happen.

Did you even read the OP's posts?

Why?

Honestly, it's not any of OP's concern. She doesn't need to micro manage him or pin him down. They are his children, they need childcare, he can organise it without needing a woman to remind him.

This is a man who appears capable of holding down a job. He's capable of organising childcare.

All OP needs to do is literally nothing. Step back. Let him get on with it and the problem will sort itself out.

He could use unpaid parental leave. All parents are untitled to up to 18 weeks per child in total to be taken before they are 18, to be taken in week long blocks, up to 4 weeks in any one year. That's not something unique to a particular company or employer, every parent in the UK is entitled to request it. Its to be used for things like childcare in school holidays, settling a child into school etc. He could take a couple of weeks of this every summer to spend with his children.

OP how would things look if you didn’t WFH? Have you considered getting an office or shared workspace some where? If only for a year or so to break this habit he’s got into?

A (less costly!) alternative may just be to say “No, have an offsite.” and go off on the days he tries to dump on you at short notice. Then go work at the library/in a cafe if reasonable for your line of work. Or see if any of your family will let you work at theirs for a few days. If he questions the offsite just say you’ve booked to work elsewhere over the holiday to avoid having your time disrupted. And go.

I would ask once more what his plan is.

Then I would plan with a local family member or friend if possible to work from their house for the days he should have the kids that week and plan to be out for the hours your kid is in nursery.

I wouldn't bother telling him as he will use it as a means to argue, just up and leave with the little one in the morning.

He will shout of course he will but it will MAKE him listen to you as he has to deal with the consequences of not doing so. I'd assume you would only need to do this once for him to be forced into having an actual conversation with you that involves him taking responsibility for his children, but I would be prepared to be out for the week this half term and see where that takes you.

I don't think you can out and out say the kids must come less - it is his home too. But i do think you can refuse to be the default babysitter especially whilst you are working too. If you work on the kitchen table I think it is disruptive and therefore you should be the one moving to accommodate the kids but if you work in a spare room with the door shut then I'd do just that in future 'pretend I'm not here' mode. But you need to remove yourself this half term to ensure that he takes this seriously.

"I am not around over half term. I hope you've sorted childcare out as I won't be working from home that week."

Be overt about it, @Balaciette . Right upfront and in his face NOW that you aren't available. And head out to a coffee shop first thing on half term Monday morning for a while.

You know the old chestnut -
Poor planning on his part doesn't constitute an emergency on yours!