My partner doesn’t understand my OCD and it’s causing arguments

[Toymice]

I developed OCD as a child, it was very mild and it still is really, it does affect my life slightly but it isn’t debilitating. I go through phases where it’s worse, usually when I’m stressed.

some of the things that I do are turning all of the switches off (apart from the fridge). He assures me that nothing will happen if they are left on and there won’t be a fire because the fuse will blow instead. But I tell him it’s not really about a fire. I just HAVE to do it. I have been stood in a doorway for 10 minutes battling with myself, trying to fight to urge to leave the plug switch alone. But I always end up going back to it and turning it off. He gets annoyed and says what’s the difference between that switch and the one that’s keeping the fridge plugged in?! I told him I know it doesn’t make sense but I genuinely can’t help the urge. I won’t be able to stop thinking about it, I won’t be able to concentrate on anything else, I will have intense feelings of anxiety and not be able to sleep if I don’t do it.

At night, I spend a long time doing a kind of ritual. If I don’t do it, I have a feeling of guilt and failing people and it will cause them to die. Rationally I know you can’t make someone die by not doing random things in your house. But I absolutely have to do it and I can’t explain it. I have a voice in my head that is like “if you don’t do this, that means deep down you want your mum to die and you don’t care about her”. Again, he gets angry with me and tells me to just go to sleep, he can’t wrap his head around how I can be so illogical. I have tried explaining but I don’t have the words because it’s just a feeling and there is no logic behind it.

It takes me quite a long time to leave the house because no matter how much I check something is in place, I will always think something is wrong. I will check all the switches, make sure my cats aren’t stuck somewhere and they have access to things etc. yet I will continually check every room of the house over and over again and not believe my own eyes. I will look at the tap and say out loud “I am looking at the tap. It is not turned on. The plug is out and the tap is off” same with the doors “the door is open, I am looking right at it and can see it’s open” but it’s never enough. I will still re check just in case I accidentally closed it and didn’t realise. I will take pictures of everything for reassurance.

My boyfriend can’t really cope with this anymore, it is driving him crazy. Once I am out of the house it’s fine. I don’t have any need to do anything when I’m out of the house. The problems arise when I need to leave or when I need to sleep. So throughout the day, if I’m just at home or out and about, I’m fine. But it is now causing tension and arguments between us because he gets annoyed and exasperated with me and then I get angry at him for not understanding when I have explained I’m not doing any of it on purpose countless times!

Is there any hope for us really? I love him so much, we have been together 8 years and got engaged last year. But I have been recently diagnosed with a heart condition which has made me very stressed and overwhelmed and my OCD is a little worse than usual lately. I know I must be difficult to live with, I can appreciate that. But I also feel very misunderstood and alone. Although, I can’t expect him to understand something so confusing and illogical. I am 32 by the way and partner is 28.

@Toymice the most important thing you can do is accept that your ocd is not mild. This will help you and your relationship. In fact it’s very far from mild and it strongly impacts your behaviour and therefore your partner.

I think we should cut this man some slack. He is having to live in an atmosphere of tension in his own home where he should be able to relax. He can love the OP dearly but still find it hard not to get exasperated now and again. When the person you live with is continuously insisting on something irrational there are only so many times that you can go along with it without wanting to explode! - I have been there ...

I am sure the OP can understand this. She is with a fellow human being - not a saint!

Op I am EXACTLY the same and I mean the exact same behaviours including only at bedtime and when leaving and allowing the fridge to stay on. It’s absolutely madness and I see that like you do too.

mine came on from severe childhood trauma. I don’t know what’s caused yours but that’s the root that needs to be treated with therapy.

things that I do that I do that help

1. keep my house completely clutter free
2. everything has its own place
3. keep my house tidy

These three reduce my anxiety and allow me to check things super quick.

4. photos don’t work for me I still don’t believe my eyes but a video works. Quick run around the house with my video on and done
5. go into everyone room and shout “done or off” once I’ve checked

these two give me the reassurance I need

6. always be ready to leave well before I need to go so I have plenty of time to do the above
7. put things away, wash a plate, get the laundry from upstairs anything like that before go out so I have an excuse to go into each room which makes sure it doesn’t affect my DH because he doesn’t even need to know I’m doing it as I’m literally doing the chores before going

these two save both our sanity

op this is hard and it’s shit but you can overcome this

Yes you're not supposed to feed the checking.

But that doesn't mean shouting at her when she's checking.

Understanding a problem that someone has, believing it's not their "fault", doesn't make it ok or tolerable.
Sometimes love isn't enough. x

Jeez, I can't believe how unsympathetic most responses have been. I think he sounds like a jerk. He was mean about your OCD when you first got started living together, is mean about it now that the medication isn't helping as much, is mean when you are clearly stressed about this new heath condition. He doesn't sound like he has your back, OP. Imagine if you had kids with this man and had post-natal depression--what if he just told you to 'snap the fuck out of it'? Or if you sustained physical birth injuries? I'm not saying you shouldn't seek further help for your OCD, but for your own benefit, not his.

He’s being abusive. It’s like shouting at someone with Tourette’s! Shouting is only going to ramp your anxiety which is going to make the OCD worse. It’s fine for him to talk to you calmly about it and define what he can accept (you seeking additional helps maybe) and not accept. But being verbally abusive isn’t fucking on. It’s not as if you will be able to stop if he just shows enough aggression. Maybe some couples counselling together so the therapist can explain it to him? You’re obviously in no position to leave if you’re about to have open heart surgery so I’d just try to make things as bearable as possible for now.

He shouldn’t be enabling you by going along and accepting your rituals. That’s the wrong thing to do, but he can be supportive of you trying to get better. But I should imagine he’s frustrated because up to now, you haven’t been willing to help yourself.

If you love him, seek the therapy then decide. You might find he’s a lot more supportive then.

You do need to resist the compulsions, perhaps by rewarding yourself for small baby steps. If you give in then it just gives your brain permissionacceptance that it’s ok, and it gradually gets worse. Other people shouldn’t enable this either.

As much as this must feel really unsupportive, OCD is one of the hardest MH difficulties for other people to get their heads round as it seems so illogical to other people but so real and powerful to the experiencing it.
As others have said, this doesn't sound mild at all, it sounds like this is definitely in the moderate range and while medication can reduce the associated anxiety the treatment is CBT/ERP and involves you stopping carrying out the compulsions in order to break the cycle. Medication on its own will not get rid of OCD symptoms.
Please ask your GP to refer you to psychology. Without understanding your OCD and changing your behaviour this will continue to have a huge impact on your life (although it seems normal to you this will be difficult for people around you).

Important to note that part of treatment also involves stopping those around you from supporting/helping with compulsions as this actually makes things worse.

Good luck OP. OCD is a horrible thing but it doesn't need to be lifelong, it is treatable but takes a lot of determination.

I do not think the OP's partner is telling her to snap out of it. He is faced with the horrible irrationality of an anxiety condition in his own home - he cannot go along with it, as that would help neither of them. If he tries to represent the rational point of view the OP's illness stops her taking that in. It is almost impossible for this not to cause friction. He is only human.

I do think that if this situation were to be reversed and the OP was describing her partner's OCD illness and the behaviours that go with it and saying that it makes her angry sometimes we would be understanding of this and trying to help her with that.

*timeofthatday in *her post above clearly is unfortunate enough to have the same problem, but is taking steps to try and make sure this does not impinge on her OH as best she can for the sake of "our sanity."

We should not underestimate how hard this is for a partner - as I outlined in an earlier post, I have lived with this situation myself. At no point did I not feel very sorry for him and sympathetic, but I did get irritated sometimes, as I am a mere mortal and craved some normality.

are you in England?

no need to go back to the GP if so, google your area nhs talking therapies and you can self refer directly through the online form.

medication can help a bit but it won’t sort OCD on its own, you need CBT for that.

I think op says she thinks her ocd is mild and doesn’t affect her life or partner. So in this context, ie her insisting she doesn’t have a mental health problem, I’m not at all sure he’s to blame in finding the ocd behaviours annoying since she’s telling him they are valid and not illness related

I feel so much compassion for you, OP.
I’m so sorry you’re in the grip of these compulsions and that it’s causing strife in your relationship.

Ultimately it’s about trying to control something that will never be brought to heel. It’s in charge of you, not the other way round.
Please go seek help
Sending you good wishes x

OP I'm with the many PPs who suggest you obtain some form of therapy to help YOU with your OCD.

I'm going out on a limb here - do you think he's frustrated and shouting because he's terrified about your upcoming surgery? Yes it's you having the surgery and you are stressed, anxious and probably terrified about it but he'll be worried too. He'll have the 'what if the surgery doesn't work', 'what if Toymice has horrendous side effects', 'what if Toymice dies'? He's probably holding those fears inside as he doesn't want to add additional stress but when you are 'obsessed' with turning off switches he's probably thinking 'what the funky does the switch matter when she has massive surgery coming up?'.

I hope you are able to get additional help with your OCD, that your surgery goes well and your relationship can get back to a place of happiness and understanding.

I have had OCD since I was a child as well and I’m now 47 and for me at least it has become easier to ignore the compulsions to check and recheck with age..although maybe I’m just a lot more tired now! I have very similar symptoms to you OP, I hate to think how many hours I’ve spent pulling out plugs and staring at taps. I’m lucky that my partner will check something for me as a ‘second opinion’ when I’m really struggling to let go of but probably what helps me the most is allowing a lot of time to perform my checks or rituals if I want to..this space seems to take the pressure off and I often won’t need to or I check a lot less. If I’m in a hurry or feel pressured to leave the hours it flairs up 100 fold. It’s incredibly difficult to explain to someone who hasn’t lived with this and the awareness that it’s not rational or logical doesn’t change it or make it better as we know. Sending best wishes to you OP

I think most people get that - but it does not make it any easier to live with as a partner day in and day out. This is why the OP needs to seek further help. The medication she has been given is not enough to bring the symptoms sufficiently under control for their relationship not to suffer.

Why are people acting like him shouting at her is not as bad as her compulsions Or is a natural response? Why can he not help his reactions/behaviours but she, who has the actual MH condition, is expected to control her behaviours?

Could he also be worried and stressed about your operation? Sounds quite major so perhaps emotions are just high for both of you?

I must admit it does sound pretty debilitating at those periods of day, if it had been the same every day for 8 years i could imagine it being quite grating, but you said it has improved and just got worse due to the operation?

Perhaps you both just need to have a conversation about how the situation is making you feel, and if there is anything both of you could do to improve, especially if only short-term.

I think I could cope if I could see things were going to get slightly better, is he going to be anymore accepting in 5,10,20 years?

im sorry about your newly diagnosed heart condition. that must be her stressful for you. And i have to add for him too as he loves you and you are facing an operation. stress for both of you.

however you need to acknowledge that you need support. your way isn’t working. you need more counselling or whatever talking therapy could lessen some of the stress, or a stronger medication. getting stressed won’t be good for you.

if you seek help i imagine your partner will be more supportive. it must be annoying for him that you have to do the things you do.

when something affects someone else negatively and you love that person you should do what you can to be considerate of their needs snd vice versa. whether it’s bipolar or ocd or alcoholism.

tell him youre going to seek help and im the meantime if he could bear either way you that would be helpful. you don’t need to split up if you just get some support. youll need him during your recovery. ❤️‍🩹

Well that’s not the same thing at all is it?

I do this, but also find the act of taking the video means I don’t need to look at it.

Same.

That's not mild. Reading your post took me right back to my childhood OCD that I lived with for 5 years. It's horrible and ruins your life.

I think you are putting up with it and are expecting him to put up with it too. You need help to beat it and your focus should be on finding help.

Honestly, try therapy, someone who specialises in OCD.
Your partner may just stop shouting at you because he can see you trying to get help. Nobody can complain about that can they? For the record, she shouldn't shout or get angry with you anyway.

My late MIL did similar to you with the switches around the whole house, she would also check the front door was locked about 8 times every night. Just trying the handle, then double/8 time checking. Strangely she only checked the other 2 back doors once. It was a little ritual every evening. She would stand at the bottom of the stairs once done and it looked like she was willing herself to leave it alone and go to bed. Nobody shouted at her though, or got frustrated. Instead left her to it. I should imagine shouting at you will make it worse.

There is hope! CBT is very good and I’d thoroughly recommend it. Myself and my child have OCD which manifests in totally different ways. My son’s manifests like yours. He has made great progress from having CBT. I too have had it and made about 50% progress. Unfortunately, there is only so much therapy on the NHS, but one day I hope to pay for further help. I will say though, even having it myself, it’s hard not to become internally frustrated when we are delayed leaving the house due to my son’s OCD. I have no doubt it’s tough on my husband and on your partner too. He’s been with you a long time, but it’s bound to be wearing over the years. CBT could really help you and your relationship. I hope you look into it and it helps you.