My partner doesn’t understand my OCD and it’s causing arguments

[Toymice]

I developed OCD as a child, it was very mild and it still is really, it does affect my life slightly but it isn’t debilitating. I go through phases where it’s worse, usually when I’m stressed.

some of the things that I do are turning all of the switches off (apart from the fridge). He assures me that nothing will happen if they are left on and there won’t be a fire because the fuse will blow instead. But I tell him it’s not really about a fire. I just HAVE to do it. I have been stood in a doorway for 10 minutes battling with myself, trying to fight to urge to leave the plug switch alone. But I always end up going back to it and turning it off. He gets annoyed and says what’s the difference between that switch and the one that’s keeping the fridge plugged in?! I told him I know it doesn’t make sense but I genuinely can’t help the urge. I won’t be able to stop thinking about it, I won’t be able to concentrate on anything else, I will have intense feelings of anxiety and not be able to sleep if I don’t do it.

At night, I spend a long time doing a kind of ritual. If I don’t do it, I have a feeling of guilt and failing people and it will cause them to die. Rationally I know you can’t make someone die by not doing random things in your house. But I absolutely have to do it and I can’t explain it. I have a voice in my head that is like “if you don’t do this, that means deep down you want your mum to die and you don’t care about her”. Again, he gets angry with me and tells me to just go to sleep, he can’t wrap his head around how I can be so illogical. I have tried explaining but I don’t have the words because it’s just a feeling and there is no logic behind it.

It takes me quite a long time to leave the house because no matter how much I check something is in place, I will always think something is wrong. I will check all the switches, make sure my cats aren’t stuck somewhere and they have access to things etc. yet I will continually check every room of the house over and over again and not believe my own eyes. I will look at the tap and say out loud “I am looking at the tap. It is not turned on. The plug is out and the tap is off” same with the doors “the door is open, I am looking right at it and can see it’s open” but it’s never enough. I will still re check just in case I accidentally closed it and didn’t realise. I will take pictures of everything for reassurance.

My boyfriend can’t really cope with this anymore, it is driving him crazy. Once I am out of the house it’s fine. I don’t have any need to do anything when I’m out of the house. The problems arise when I need to leave or when I need to sleep. So throughout the day, if I’m just at home or out and about, I’m fine. But it is now causing tension and arguments between us because he gets annoyed and exasperated with me and then I get angry at him for not understanding when I have explained I’m not doing any of it on purpose countless times!

Is there any hope for us really? I love him so much, we have been together 8 years and got engaged last year. But I have been recently diagnosed with a heart condition which has made me very stressed and overwhelmed and my OCD is a little worse than usual lately. I know I must be difficult to live with, I can appreciate that. But I also feel very misunderstood and alone. Although, I can’t expect him to understand something so confusing and illogical. I am 32 by the way and partner is 28.

I could live with someone like this but it would be dependent on two things (1) the acknowledge how debilitating it actually is - zero miniming and (2) they are doing absolutely everything possible to resolve it - therapy, medication.

You may not like me saying it but being the partner of someone with a mental illness is seriously draining. The man obvious loves you, he's been supportive until now. His delivery might be poor but his concern is real. He's most likely thinking when will this get better and if you do seek help, he's likely to be supportive. You owe it to yourself to seek help so it improves.

I do still think it’s mild tbh, even after reading the comments. But I do understand where you are coming from. I did go to the doctors about it and the mediation has helped a little so I guess I am just hoping that the longer I’m on it, the more it will help. However, there’s a lot of great replies on here about CBT which im going to look into

I wouldn't consider what you described "mild" OCD. Given that you do, I wonder if it has gotten worse recently and maybe that's why this is coming up now after 8 years of dating. Regardless, your medication can be adjusted and you should seek therapy.

I think you need to have a proper talk with him about your future together. You need to be honest and say that this will probably never change and if he can't cope with it( which he clearly can't) then you need to separate.

You also need to think about whether you want to carry on being with someone who is clearly and understandably very irritated by your behaviour. Surely you don't want all this stress in your life? You need to remember that you can't change other people, only yourself. Why should he change? So if you don't want to live with his irritation then you split up. You certainly need treatment and therapy but he's not wrong to find your behaviour exasperating, I certainly would.

So really if you don't like his attitude then the onus is on you to leave.

What is it about what I’ve said that makes you think he is supportive? As soon as he sees my hand go towards a switch he will snap JUST FUCKING LEAVE IT!!! and I say I can’t, I’m sorry I can’t and then he will storm around slamming doors being angry with me. I wouldn’t say he is supportive. It makes me feel worse

Then break up with him.

But what are you doing to try and make your condition easier on him. He deserves a peaceful life too. It's impacting him. Despite him staying, that doesn't mean he will and can accept it forever.

I do still think it’s mild tbh, even after reading the comments.

and that’s fair enough but clearly it’s not ‘mild’ to him. Which is equally fair
He sounds bloody horrible shouting at you though. I may not be able to imagine living with an ocd partner but like f*ck would I put up with being shouted at repeatedly for it!

When you say that it has got 'a little worse' recently, what does that look like? Has he always reacted to your compulsions like this but it's got more frequent recently? Or is his angry reaction itself new?

You say you otherwise really love him - but from the description it sounds like the OCD really dictates your time, and so a lot of this relationship must be spent in conflict. Are you arguing nightly?

If you want 'permission' to break up with him you absolutely can have it. It does not sound at all like you're happy together. But I do think you need to acknowledge how dangerous a situation where you leave him so you can do your rituals unbothered is - the odds that your condition will escalate is considerable. By all means leave him, but make sure you seek help at the same time.

I have this when things are mild and i hate it. Its when the spiral hits that it totally destroys my whole life and i cant even get out of bed. Partner is very understanding but the last spiral has finally resulted in medication and therapy. I can totally understand your partners frustration because this really isn't mild, it just feels mild to you because you've been living with it for so long that you've got used to it.

One thing Ive learned in therapy is that the more we do the compulsion and seek certainty that the tap is off, the door is locked, the switches are off etc, the stronger it gets and the more the OCD branches out into sub themes.

Please please get some help with this. So many people are silently struggling with OCD when there is help out there to keep it at bay. Good luck.

So by wanting him to be supportive do you mean you want him to agree that your ocd beliefs are real? That he has to sit and wait for all your rituals before you leave the house?
how long does it take?
it’s VERY unfair of you to basically say “well I don’t see anything wrong with what I’m doing, you need to go along with me”

How long has be been doing this for? All eight years? Or has something tipped him over the edge more recently?

You don't have to feel and be alone with this. There's a big community out there of people with OCD offering support and help. OCD Action and OCD UK are two great charities, they also have support for partners / families of people with OCD. If you are in England every talking therapy service offers CBT for OCD as a start. Your OCD doesn't sound mild at the moment. Losing time to rituals and checking, taking pictures of things, that sounds like very active OCD that is reducing your quality of life.

We have lived together for the past 3 years. He was like this at the start but then last year I got medication and it really calmed down so he stopped. As I mentioned in my post, I have recently been diagnosed with a heart condition. I am having open heart surgery in march and the stress of it has caused a flare up and he’s not handling it well

This seems mild to you OP because it's your normal. You've known nothing else since you were 8 years old. To anyone else it is extremely difficult to understand because it is so irrational and definitely not something that anyone would consider mild.

He's obviously struggling to cope with it now and the relationship is turning sour. The more stressed he gets the more stressed you are likely to get and the worse the OCD will probably get.

I think you need to leave OP for both your sakes.

You said he tries to reassure you.
You've been together 8 years and you've always had OCD.
To be that sounds like someone whi is supportive or at least trying.

You say he gets exhasberated and annoyed.

You did NOT mention he shouts and slams doors until now.

I'm not excusing his behaviour but I csn understand it.

You seem more focused on his reaction that you getting help. You will still have the same issue whether he stays or goes. I do sympathise but you need to try everything to help yourself.

You also say "he's not handling it well". The truth is neither of you are.

Or, you could say if he doesn’t like my behaviour then the onus is on him to leave???

@Toymice with all due respect, you're saying he's not understanding of your OCD at the moment but are you being understanding of the impact this has on him? Being understanding in a relationship is a two way street and by minimising the nature of these OCD behaviours as 'very mild' you can't be expressing any understanding of how these behaviours impact him.

The likelihood is that the level of stress has significantly exacerbated your symptoms and then you end up in a vicious cycle of more stress = more symptoms = more stress. However, you need to take ownership of that and vocalise that you understand that this is creating more of an issue now than it has done in recent history.

It will be very difficult for a partner to be sympathetic and understanding if you don't respect them enough to be truly honest about how much of an impact this condition is having on both of you.

I'm sure that this man who obviously loves you would be much more understanding if he could see you making every effort to address these behaviours. If that's not the case, then he's not the man for you

But he isn’t doing that! He hasn’t left. He is choosing to stay with me but then having a go at me every day and shouting at me for these things that I can’t control. If he wants to leave, he should do that!

I suspect he is really struggling with his feelings. On the one hand he loves you and wants to be with you. On the other hand he can't cope with your rituals. What have you done to educate him, other than just telling him you can't help it?Have you given him any resources to hep him understand?

You say why doesn't he leave. Because for now he's at a point where his love outweighs his frustration, but the point may tip the other way at some time in the future. I get it that you want him to accept you for how you are but he may not be able to. There are many studies showing that living with a partner with mental health issues is extremely difficult, however much the sufferer can't help it.

You need a very honest conversation with him about where he wants this relationship to go long term and how much he can tolerate. And then you need to think about what you can put in to make your compulsions less onerous, to meet him half way. You can't put it all on him to live with it.

If you want to try and resolve it, try talking to him about it when you are both calm and you aren’t displaying the behaviours. Explain that you understand how frustrating it is for him, but you won’t tolerate being shouted at/slamming doors. Talk about seeking help through therapy. Ask him what he finds so hard about it.

Please do both of you a favour Op and try the CBT, I'm sure your Dr could arrange something or signpost you too other people who can help. Your DPs struggled with your rituals, you got medication and things were a bit better, I expect he was really relieved and thought the worst was behind you, his anger is a mixture of disappointment and hating that things have gone backwards.
I think he would be more supportive if he could see you were doing everything possible to get well. I wish you luck

OP I think he’s shouting at you not because he’s angry but because he loves you and can see what you are like when you’re relaxed. He can see the person behind the OCD and he loves her. That’s why he’s frustrated because he wants her back.

i think to be fair to him as you both get a bit older and he sees this behaviour he might be starting to think about things like how would you manage if you had a family or had to drop them to school etc . Compassion fatigue is also a real thing partially as it's not improving in fact it seems to be getting worse .
I do think that you owe it to him to make a real concerted effort to improve your symptoms. I think if he could see you were really trying it would help.
you're right though, he needs to decide if this is something he can live with instead of snapping at you.

ERP therapy is very effective for OCD.

Thank you for all of the responses. It has helped me to see that I am the problem, and that we should break up. And that if I am ever in a position in the future where I am with someone with depression or an eating disorder or another mental health issue that they can’t control, I shouldn’t try to understand the condition and look into why they do the things they do, and how I can be of help and support to my loved one, but rather, I should get angry with them, shout at them every day, but continue to stay with them when I’m clearly unhappy and just wait for them to decide to leave me.

Thanks all!

But no, thank you to the helpful comments about other things that can be done. I will go back to my doctors and ask about therapy/CBT. I have heard about these things, but as it wasn’t mentioned at my doctors appointment, I thought I would give the meds a go first and see if they help. I wondered if posting here might help me to get the confidence to end things, because sometimes, even though you know something should be done, just hearing/seeing other people say it can give further encouragement and validation. My head is a little screwed at the moment due to my heart problem and feel like I may not be thinking straight and may just be overly emotional, so wanted to see if people here could offer some good advice. I won’t be coming back to this thread because I’ve already got all I can out of it.