My partner doesn’t understand my OCD and it’s causing arguments

[Toymice]

I developed OCD as a child, it was very mild and it still is really, it does affect my life slightly but it isn’t debilitating. I go through phases where it’s worse, usually when I’m stressed.

some of the things that I do are turning all of the switches off (apart from the fridge). He assures me that nothing will happen if they are left on and there won’t be a fire because the fuse will blow instead. But I tell him it’s not really about a fire. I just HAVE to do it. I have been stood in a doorway for 10 minutes battling with myself, trying to fight to urge to leave the plug switch alone. But I always end up going back to it and turning it off. He gets annoyed and says what’s the difference between that switch and the one that’s keeping the fridge plugged in?! I told him I know it doesn’t make sense but I genuinely can’t help the urge. I won’t be able to stop thinking about it, I won’t be able to concentrate on anything else, I will have intense feelings of anxiety and not be able to sleep if I don’t do it.

At night, I spend a long time doing a kind of ritual. If I don’t do it, I have a feeling of guilt and failing people and it will cause them to die. Rationally I know you can’t make someone die by not doing random things in your house. But I absolutely have to do it and I can’t explain it. I have a voice in my head that is like “if you don’t do this, that means deep down you want your mum to die and you don’t care about her”. Again, he gets angry with me and tells me to just go to sleep, he can’t wrap his head around how I can be so illogical. I have tried explaining but I don’t have the words because it’s just a feeling and there is no logic behind it.

It takes me quite a long time to leave the house because no matter how much I check something is in place, I will always think something is wrong. I will check all the switches, make sure my cats aren’t stuck somewhere and they have access to things etc. yet I will continually check every room of the house over and over again and not believe my own eyes. I will look at the tap and say out loud “I am looking at the tap. It is not turned on. The plug is out and the tap is off” same with the doors “the door is open, I am looking right at it and can see it’s open” but it’s never enough. I will still re check just in case I accidentally closed it and didn’t realise. I will take pictures of everything for reassurance.

My boyfriend can’t really cope with this anymore, it is driving him crazy. Once I am out of the house it’s fine. I don’t have any need to do anything when I’m out of the house. The problems arise when I need to leave or when I need to sleep. So throughout the day, if I’m just at home or out and about, I’m fine. But it is now causing tension and arguments between us because he gets annoyed and exasperated with me and then I get angry at him for not understanding when I have explained I’m not doing any of it on purpose countless times!

Is there any hope for us really? I love him so much, we have been together 8 years and got engaged last year. But I have been recently diagnosed with a heart condition which has made me very stressed and overwhelmed and my OCD is a little worse than usual lately. I know I must be difficult to live with, I can appreciate that. But I also feel very misunderstood and alone. Although, I can’t expect him to understand something so confusing and illogical. I am 32 by the way and partner is 28.

You are also both dealing with your heart diagnosis and facing your surgery. Your OCD has understandably got worse. His tolerance for it may have decreased as he also faces this not insignificant stressor. Have you discussed your surgery and diagnosis. Do both of you have other support?
I was frequently frustrated with DS1, and he was my son! His rituals alwaya ramped up in times of stress, when I was also least able to cope.
Why would he leave you in the brink of this operation?
The basis of dealing with OCD is to challenge rituals (starting with one you feel is easiest to resist), building an evidence base that nothing bad happens as a result of stopping the ritual. And then moving onto the next hardest ritual and so on
Also learning to have intrusive thoughts without letting them rule your life. And learning to ride anxiety waves.
Doing all this after surgery is not likely to work. Until you feel strong enough to do it.
(There may also be an element of you wanting him to leave to subconsciously 'prove' that the OCD is 'right'.)

@Toymicedo you also suffer with anxiety? I mean unrelated to the ocd? I have both and fluoxetine has helped my anxiety. What do you take for the ocd?

Op, do you know some SSRI medicines can have impact on heart? So please make sure you check with your physiatrist about the medicine you are taking for OCD. Also, please look into ERP therapy.
This level of stress is not ok for you given your heart condition. Please seek support.

It doesn’t sound mild, it sounds debilitating. It must be horrendous.

It’s not surprising that it causes friction between you. I think you need to do whatever you can to try and get this treated as no-one should have to live like this.

@Toymice but you don’t like his behaviour either so the onus is just as much on you to leave which I think you should because you aren’t right for each other.

Dealing with someone who has OCD is tough it really is. It takes every ounce of patience that you have and sometimes it goes. For me it was my DS so I couldn’t walk away and I could get him help and we managed to get it so it is mild and it doesn’t impact as long as minor routines are followed. His mild now is nowhere near your mild

How has he put up with it for so long to be so advanced in a relationship with you?

In my experience these things are more likely to get worse than improve. Such as adding another OCD behaviour.

Up to you to sort yourself out OP. Stop blaming your boyfriend when it’s you who has the weird behaviour.

People only have so much patience for mental illness if there's no end in sight.

He absolutely shouldn't be shouting at you about it; its unkind and counterproductive. But he probably thought when he got together with you that you would do something to tackle it and work on it over time and that's where the misalignment is coming from.

You see this as "mild" (possibly because its your normal so you're used to it). He finds it irritating and debilitating and as time goes on and it appears not to be getting better, and you appear not to be doing much to get better, he is starting to wonder what his breaking point is.

It's harsh but a mental illness or disability doesn't oblige someone to support or take care of you. In his head he sees it as your responsibility to "get over" it. You (understandably) can't just "get over" it. You're not on the same page.

I have to be really honest: I think you should focus on getting better and possibly take some time away from him. He's a distraction as he is (probably not deliberately) putting pressure on you which you don't need. Split up and focus on what you need to do, which is to get better at your own pace.

It can get better OP. Im new to therapy but its helped so much because they map out where the anxiety and compulsion is stemming from so you have a better understanding of your own thought processes.

Whilst I can understand your partner frustration there is no way he should be angry or shouting at you. You are already going through enough with the shitstorm in your head without putting up with that. He should be supporting you and encouraging you to seek help.

he does have two choices here which are of course stay or go. Whatever your problems, its not right for either of you that she should stay and be constantly angry. I agree about you getting help for yourself but I think you also need to have a calm conversation with him.

I'm sorry @Toymice but this is quite an immature response.

Nobody is saying that shouting at you is a good approach to dealing with this, but whilever you're minimising the effect of these behaviours on both of you it's going to be difficult to move forward in a positive way.

He obviously loves you otherwise he would have already walked but some of your reponses are a little petulant - 'he should leave me if it's so bad' and so on.

I can see that you're worried and scared and quite obviously hurting, but people really are trying to help you. Sometimes that help comes in the form of things you might not want to hear.

Take care x

I’m honestly baffled by some of these responses. The OP has almost lifelong OCD which she has sought help for. However a separate serious health condition requiring surgery has caused her stress which has in turn caused a flare up in her OCD. This is understandable. Her partners response to this is to shout at her and slam doors and people are excusing this. He is not supportive and unlike other posters I’m not seeing any evidence that he’s trying to help her. The OP has said he doesn’t try to understand what’s happening. I think his reaction is likely putting more stress on the OP at a hugely difficult time - if it was my partner awaiting surgery and having a mental heath flare up due to the stress I can’t fathom regularly shouting and swearing at them Id be doing everything I could to create a calm environment for them. OP you deserve better from him and also some of the posters on here.

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I thought that people whose partners have OCD were told not to pander to the need to check and recheck etc? Because that proved to the sufferer that there WAS a need to do these rituals, so they were told not to assist in any way?

Has that advice changed? Or is he trying this method but in an unsympathetic way>

This isn't really getting to the crux of the problem, but as someone with certain OCD tendencies (which would often massively delay me in leaving the house, as I'd keep going back in to re-check everything) - a useful coping strategy I developed was to use my phone to record me doing "the checks" the first time. Then, if I had the urge to double, triple or quadruple check, I could just look at the video.

Your choice - your rituals or your partner.

BF is cross because deep
down he hopes you'll get better and that one day you’ll be able to
see your behaviour is irrational and deluded.

You know which way your rituals want you to go. Get treatment before they suck
you in.

My late OH was a bit like this - but nothing like as bad. And even at his level of problem it drove me nuts and I found it very hard to live with because it makes it hard to relax.

At the level of problem that you are experiencing I can absolutely understand that he is finding it hard.

What I felt about my OH's situation - very strongly - was that he had a duty to do all he could to prevent these behaviours impinging on the other members of the family, and the times I got cross were because he seemed not to get this. He would turn it around and say I was too casual and didn't understand the dangers around us. Just because he had an identifiable illness did not mean he could jettison his responsibility to those around him.

It sounds to me as though you have been to a GP and been given medication that has taken some of the edge off things, but it is very clear that it is insufficient to make normal home life possible for both of you. Kindly, I would say that it is your job to go back to the GP to outline how it is impinging on your life and relationships and ask for referral for further help or a change in the dosage or type of medication you are taking. Your symptoms are nowhere near under control to a satisfactory level.

I am very sorry that you have this tedious affliction - it must be awful - and hope that you can make some progress with further treatment for your sake and that of your partner. Realistically there is only so much he can take and the longer he is with you the more it will impinge - I know how this feels!

I honestly think the onus lies with you - which is hard when you are unwell I know - to seek to get your symptoms better under control. Your "normal" is not normal and it is hard for a partner to live like this. He can go two ways - get sucked in and find himself a part of these abnormal emotions/behaviours or try to provide some balance for the sake of his own sanity. Providing that balance in the face of objections is hard and might result in some irritation from him at times. I know I used to get exasperated sometimes when we could not plan a simple trip to town without having everything just so. Sometimes you just want to do things normally!!

You are bound to argue because when he puts the rational view, you resist because your condition means your thoughts about this things are not rational, as I am sure you know.

He will find it easier if he can see that you are truly taking steps to get on top of this.

OP I was also going to suggest these charities. Helpline maybe?

Also some solidarity and I hear you OP. I’ve also stood outside doors saying out loud it’s locked - several times - till it “feels” ok. having to check things multiple times in multiples of 3 (affected my work hugely), taken photos, written notes, driven miles and miles to go back home to check something was off, etc. It’s horrible and exhausting. All because if I didn’t, something bad would happen. Totally illogical. I was lucky as my obsessions and compulsions were not daily, and I truly believe I had it quite mild comparatively, and I have been helped by medication.

Are you getting any help OP have you spoken to your GP at I think if your anxiousness is up it won’t be helping.

it would be helpful to get your DP to speak with a therapist with you about OCD and what it is. Just telling you obviously won’t work,
so I don’t think he really understands and he to understand for both your sakes before getting married.

i also have OCD and sympathise with you as the symptoms are horrible and the struggle and guilt that goes along with them are so difficult to deal with. im finally at a place where my OCD is considered mild and well controlled but it has taken quite a long time of intensive therapy (mainly ERP and CBT) as well as trying various medications to get me to a place where the symptoms don’t interfere in my life as much as they once did. from what you’ve described yours is really causing issues for you. it’s awful and I’ve been there so i know what it’s like. i would really recommend speaking to your GP about potentially accessing therapy or at least discussing options for your medication as what you’re on at the moment doesn’t seem to be enough to help you. it doesn’t have to control your life! 🩷 your partner should not be treating you the way that he is. i understand what PP are saying in terms of finding it difficult to deal with, but it’s far more difficult for you to live with. if he does not like you exhibiting symptoms, he should be encouraging recovery in a constructive and positive way, not adding to your stress and exacerbating them. thinking of you and hope you feel better soon, it’s an awful illness to live with <3

I am sorry about your heart condition. I too am similarly battling and have some scary procedures in the pipeline. I now how hard that is.

I think your boyfriend sounds very cruel and unpleasant. Shouting at you when you want to touch a light switch is truly horrible. I don't actually think your rituals should have any impact on him at all - turning off switches, although illogical, is just a piece of quirky behaviour which a kinder and nicer partner might find endearing. Similarly your getting to sleep rituals. As long as they are in your head and simply mean your settling down and sleeping later then him, why should it bother him so much? Maybe it's because I used to have similar rituals for getting out of my house (all gone now that I'm older and less anxious) and honestly think it is a relatively common kind of behaviour, but I don't see that it should be a problem in a loving relationship. Most of us have to put up with irritating habits in our partners, but we are able to compromise and accept them because we love each other. I'm sorry to say your boyfriend is behaving as though he doesn't love you at all and I think you should seriously consider leaving him. You can do better than this. And please ignore all the unkind posters suggesting you have a terribly serious problem that no one could be expected to live with. If you read lots of MN threads you'll see that many, many people have much worse problems that they and their partners have learned to live with

The mediation isn’t solving the issue though. You need to get some therapy for it too. He probably feels worried that your heart condition could be made worse by the stress of your OCD.

Wouldn't it be easier to at least try therapy, rather than shrug and say accept it or leave? Th\at doesn't sound like you care at all for his feelings.

He is angry because you aren't doing anything to resolve a debilitating condition.

Tell everyone you don't understand OCD...

Hope you feel better for kicking OP when she's down.

You need a frank discussion about what lies ahead but honestly, it doesn’t sound like there is much hope for your relationship.

Here is an exercise I do with people to explain compulsive behaviour. I say "I want you to let out ALL your breath and not breath in." They argue, I say "Trust me". They let out all their breath and a minute later they take a HUGE gasp of air. "Okay," I say, "Why did you take a breath?" "Because I had to", they say. "I couldn't not." "That is what compulsion is" I explain. "You HAVE to do the thing or the consequences are agonising." People usually get that.