Is this a means for divorce

[Corkmum1990]

Hi this might be a long one and I'll probably be rambling on but I just feel absolutely worn down. I am a stay at home mum to 3, one teenager with additional needs and two under 5. So I have been with my husband for 15 years married for 4. We have been non stop arguing since November, talking on and off and I just feel very hard done by. It's like I haven't seen clearly for years and now it's making sense more and more. So my husband has a very high paying job in and around 85,000+ per year plus whatever bonus he gets in October. When I had my third son he suggested I stop working because childcare is expensive for our two younger children and my older son needs after-school care with homework and some basic needs. So I went from my own income to just the children's allowance, and I get a once a month payment for my son that has a disability. I started noticing that my husband wasn't very forthcoming with money and he was basically transferring 50 euro here, 100 there. Nothing concrete. Fast forward anyway I kept saying like I need money if I'm going to stay at home, I pay for my own car, family groceries,the boys activities, whatever they need basically and he refused to let me use his bank account he just picked a figure which is 400 per month. Now I eventually picked up a part time job and he refused to watch the boys as he said he was too tired after work so I just quit because I was driving 30 minutes extra to drop them to my parents and 30 minutes to collect them after and he stopped talking to me while I was working. Now fast forward the pay is still 400 per month, he has around 25,000 in savings and we have no washing machine since November, I'm saving for a new one, he said it's up to me to get one because he's saving at moment for us to move to a bigger house. We have no sink or rad in the main bathroom because of a leak he didn't get fixed. Last week I brought the boys to swimming lessons and he gave me his bank card to pay for next term and he text me the pin and said delete this when you're done. Like I don't even know his pin, I have no access to any money, only what he gives me per month. Like I know everyone reading this is going to think what an idiot, it's your own fault and of course I'm well away, I do try, I saved for a year and got the house all new carpets and blinds last year and I started doing odd jobs when the boys are in school like dog walking, one off cleaning jobs, selling on vinted. But I'm completely stuck, we talked about separating after Christmas but he said under no circumstances would he be moving out that it's his house. Like I just feel very alone. Like even last week I got a letter from revenue saying I was due a refund of 300 euro and I said ok perfect il use that towards my son's school trip and the washing machine and I only spotted today the letter said it went to my husbands bank account and he never mentioned it. Fair enough were a married couple but when I text him and asked if he got it he said yes.. You're asking me because?
So I just left it, like I'm 35 I don't get my hair done, my nails, I don't buy myself things, all my money goes on diesel, groceries and the boys. I know I'm not stupid the only solution is get a job and support myself but is this actually a reason to divorce because he says I'm just creating reasons to leave him. Thanks for reading x

Have not read all other posters so sorry if there are duplications.

Contact Womens Aid
https://www.womensaid.ie/

house is to be sold when the children turn 18 and his obligation to me ends then. That I have no access or entitlement to any of his savings, investments , his future pension even.

You are in Ireland.

He is in for a shock or he is being a prick because he knows.

You dont need to be married to be able to ask the Irish Court to provide for you and your children. Co-habitation orders mirror divorce orders. He can try play silly buggers with the Courts.

Its not even 50/50 if there are children.
The ranking of asset split is
● Upkeep for children (note the way children are always included in the "Family" laws)
● fair split of all and any assets (his and yours) taking account of your unpaid contributions in the home.
( Yea to last the Constitution Ref vote)

And the Courts not him (or you ) get to decide what is "fair".

So his pot of money is not his.

Post divorce Maintenance can be ordered for you (unmarried you) and/or the children (dependancy) for as long as the Courts decide.

House
Even if you were not on the house deed he cant sell or borrow on the marital home without your siging too been that way since the 70's
https://www.irishstatutebook.ie/eli/1976/act/27/enacted/en/html
(a) the respective needs and resources of the spouses and of the dependent children (if any) of the family, and
(b) in a case where the spouse whose consent is required is offered alternative accommodation, the suitability of that accommodation having regard to the respective degrees of security of tenure in the family home and in the alternative accommodation.

Mortgage
If you signed for the mortgage as being party to the loan (most likely if were co-habiting) contact your provider.

Have them amend your data such that they must send you a duplicate (your name your address or a family address) of any and all document which is issued and that they set up an online access which is not linked/connected to your soon to be Ex.

Do the same for any lending which you may be linked to directly by you signing or by joint accounts.

With joint accounts you need to stop the possibility of overdraft or other credit.

A data access request may be best.
Its very helpful if you are not sure of what was signed or agreed in the opening docs/contract.

Insurance or life insurance need to updated too.

Child Benefit
Check this. It was a payment which could only be paid to the Mother even if the child lived with the Father but I think the rules changed to pay fathers sometimes?

Divorce
You dont need a "reason" to divorce in Ireland.
You just need to prove that you are not living as a married couple.

The original act link is below
Click the "Revised Act ?" button to see any changes
Eg the timing now 2 of 3 not 4of 5

https://www.irishstatutebook.ie/eli/1996/act/33/enacted/en/html

UPDATED BIT
5.—(1) Subject to the provisions of this Act, where, on application to it in that behalf by either of the spouses concerned, the court is satisfied that—
(a) at the date of the institution of the proceedings, the spouses have lived apart from one another for a period of, or periods amounting to, at least two years during the previous three years,

(b) there is no reasonable prospect of a reconciliation between the spouses, and

(c) such provision as the court considers proper having regard to the circumstances exists or will be made for the spouses and any dependent members of the family,

the court may, in exercise of the jurisdiction conferred by Article 41.3.2° of the Constitution, grant a decree of divorce in respect of the marriage concerned.

For the purposes of this section—
(a) spouses who live in the same dwelling as one another shall be considered as living apart from one another if the court is satisfied that, while so living in the same dwelling, the spouses do not live together as a couple in an intimate and committed relationship, and
(b) a relationship does not cease to be an intimate relationship merely because it is no longer sexual in nature.

NOT a intimate or a committed relationship
You need to prove you are living as a single person who has an Asshole Housemate.

Split your finances (ironic right?)
and move into a bedroom on your own
and let your social circles know so they dont see you as a couple rather split and living in the same house.

You need a personal bank account and debit/credit card if you are using a joint or his account.

Stop using any joint bank accounts for your wages or the child benefit.

Work to getting all joint bank accounts closed or leave them for functional reasons and fund any outward payments from your personal account. Check he cant run up massive overdrafts.

If you are paying bills get them into your name only

If they are in your name already contact the provider and have them remove any of his personal data and access from the account.

If they are in joint names and you cant pay them but need the household /childcare service keep them as the provider will not deal with you of you are not the account holder. Try pay a nominal amount to show you recognise it as a bill you owe a share of.

If you are buying items pay for them using the money from your personal bank account and a reciept in your name.

Same with food shopping (at a minimum pay for your personal bits) and housework he is a housemate you dont was a strangers jocks

Records
You have 2 years to document both cash and time splits.

Get a budget app or excel type product which will allow you to track
what you are paying for
All household bills
All childcare costs

Kill a forest and keep a copy af anything you spend.

No need to be fancy
Date
What you bought
Cost
Cash/Card/StbEx

Start off tracking daily as you will find it hard to keep track of small amounts if you are paying cash.

Same with time calender track your time and his time with the children

Revenue
You can ask the Revenue to change your tax and tax credits to separate assessment.

There was a special Married v Separated v Divorce v Death tax break calculation for the year it happened check if that is still a "thing"

Check credits and your base that may give you a better rebate if he has been claiming them as the high earner.

Plus it stops Revenue disclosing any information on your earnings to him (& his to you)

https://www.revenue.ie/en/life-events-and-personal-circumstances/marital-status/marriage-and-civil-partnerships/separate-assessment.aspx

Check you are claiming all your credits
https://www.revenue.ie/en/personal-tax-credits-reliefs-and-exemptions/health-and-age/home-carer-credit/index.aspx

Check who is listed as liable on the property tax leave it id its not you.

LTB

You are being financially abused.
You can tick the list below from WomensAid.
Economic abuse is when your partner or ex-partner:
• Keeps you financially dependent on them
• Denies you access to the family finances to pay for food, bills and medication
• Denies you access to joint bank accounts and financial information
• Pressures you to give them large sums of money or gets you into debt
• Forbids you to work, or tells you how often you can work, and demands that you handover any earnings
• Refuses to pay child maintenance

https://www.irishstatutebook.ie/eli/2018/act/6/enacted/en/index.html

Legal advice
Every divorce will be different
But you may qualify for
https://www.legalaidboard.ie/our-legal-aid-service/how-we-can-help-you/divorce/

Citizens Advice have offices which can see if you can access social welfare or other services while still living beside him in the same house.
https://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/

There is an Irish ask about money website which may give more up-to-date "local" advice.
🌻

The divorce laws strongly favor the women in Ireland .. you also cannot sign away your rights here. With three kids you would be looking to get 70% of the assets and child maintenance

Yes. This is grounds for divorce. Call citizens advice and ask if they know of a divorce solicitor who offers discounted consultations. Start gathering all your important paperwork and hiding it with your parents. Same for precious ornaments and the like. Please stay smart and safe.

I'm so sorry you're living this awful life that has you doubting yourself thinking you're being selfish. Your husband is a horrible man and you do need to divorce him ASAP.

This is awful. This man is financially and emotionally abusing you. He has complete control of you through withholding money which must be so hard to live with. You shoukd have total access to money. I hope you find the strength to leave because this marriage is full of abuse.

Bloody hell, stunned you are even asking if YABU.

What an evil man - you need to speak to women’s aid - confide in trusted family members in RL.

Also op - you will probably get much better advice on how to separate safely from this man on the Relationships board. Lots of good advice on there.

I would be quietly seeing a solicitor and getting g my ducks in a row without your H’s knowledge.

Get all paperwork together and out of the house somewhere safe - passports, marriage certificate, bank statements etc.

He thinks he’s helping you all to get to a new house but won’t pay for a washing machine? What kind of a life does he think you’re all having? Does he think ye will all be happy ever after in the new house? I’m so sorry op, men think they’re saving everyone by not spending but actually they’re just driving a wedge down the middle of the family.

What a fucking horror of a man. He's abusive and you need to get him out of your life. Do you think he'd want any custody of your DC?

I know it's a very difficult situation for you. Your life will be so much better without him and his dreadful mother in it.

This is insane and clear financial abuse.

At first I thought it may just be that neither of you had calculated income correctly and you may be just very tight on cash.

But reading the way he dribbles cash, has savings, and doesn't even chip in on a washing machine is just not right.

Take care.

I wouldn’t stay another minute with him. Does he have any good points? He can ask you to sign stuff, but you’re legally entitled, and he knows it.

Once he realises you're serious, he might have a 180 degree turnaround and give you more money, treat you more kindly etc. Don't fall for it. He has shown you his true nature and won't change.

I went back to my husband when he did this and then ended up in a worse position than before. As soon as he felt he was in control again, he returned to his old behaviour. He was actually worse, because he felt I was even more able to be manipulated than before. Luckily, I saw it through the second time and have been single ever since. I feel sick for you OP, I've been there and I know how difficult it is. You will be better off without him, believe me.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, pet. Jesus, older Irish mammies and their boys are another species completely; the boys can do no wrong. I speak from first hand experience as a daughter of.

Get legal advice, don't sign anything he gives you, and if it's safe start telling people in passing about stuff like the washing machine, especially people he knows, laugh at him putting his fingers in his ears, etc. If you can, take your power back, shame the fucker. But again, only if that is safe to do.

Sending love.

OP, please seek out Citizens Advice and get counsel. Also, you need to contact revenue going forward to update things to your own bank account. Try to get a bank account (revolut, N2, w/e) on your phone. If you want a bank card, try and use a different address so that he doesn't riffle in your mail.

What a terrible man you live with. Please get back into some part time/full time work, quickly. You need money and he isn't giving you any. Let him sort out child care.

You've been given lots of good advice OP, so I'm not going to add to it. However, while I'm not one to use the 'C' word EVER, I just have to say that the man you married, is a complete and utter CUNT!! (Said with all the venom I can muster). As I said, I never, ever use that word as a rule, which makes it the worst name I could call someone, but your husband has made my blood boil! How a man can treat his wife, and effectively his own children like this, is beyond comprehension to me, and yet I bet everyone that he knows thinks he's wonderful chap, and so generous too? Take the bastard to the cleaners OP, and don't hesitate, or regret doing so for even one minute!

Sending you strength and courage to get through this. You deserve SO MUCH BETTER!

I read only your posts OP.

Firstly, coercive control is now illegal so absolutely you have grounds for divorce.

Secondly, you will need mediation. Do not agree to any separation agreement he gives you and honestly it wouldn't hold up in court if it was unfavourable to you. You stayed home so any separation agreement would need to reflect that. He'll most likely have to pay maintenance. Yes the house would eventually need to be sold unless you buy him out but usually here it wouldn't be until your youngest finishes college or turns 21.

Main thing, do not just accept what he tells you about what you'll get or are entitled to. Get a solicitor asap who can advise you.

Get away from him asap. He is dangerous.

Assuming you’re in Cork because of your username, here’s some information about domestic abuse charities in Cork https://www.womensaid.ie/get-help/support-services/find-support-locally/cork/

I think this is financial/ coercive abuse . I used to argue about money being a sahm but always had access to all money in a joint bank account (just felt weirdly wrong spending it.

He sounds like a controlling prick.

Firstly, coercive control is now illegal so absolutely you have grounds for divorce.

Just to add OP - you don’t need a reason to divorce. Ireland has a “no fault” divorce system now - you could divorce him bc you don’t like the way he eats his dinner if you like - it doesn’t matter!

Also, I would be washing everyone else's clothes except his. We can all be petty arseholes. I'm sorry you're going through this